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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 13 Jan. 18:00
__ __
\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 13 vol. 2 Jan. 18/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
DUMBASS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE
RUN LOLA RUN
Y2K ROUND-UP SHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "A-P thinks we're juvenile" issue. Uh huh. He really
does. What a weenie. Us juvenile?!?! Never. Say that to my face there
Captain America and I'll beat you to a pulp. Juvenile? Huh. thpppppth!
Well, OK, maybe a little juvenile *sometimes* but keep in mind that
VD lives by the creed that while you can only grow up once, you can be
immature forever. Of you'd have to have a sense of humour to understand
that A-P. You grumpy old fart you. <g>
Speaking of juvenile and immature - anyone want to buy the "Brain of
Morbus"? (You know Morbus - that honourary Canadian who runs Disobey).
If you interested then check out:
http://shopping.altavista.com/product.sdc?si=SOIMu&p=10915485&q=brain+of
+morbus
Goddamn I hate long URLs. As Morbus would say Ah twell... Or something
like that.
In the reader's write section, which A-P finds juvenile, VD's reader's
had the following to say about the following... About finding a VD
reader to pop AFeXT's cherry, AFeXT had this to say:
MORBUS! I want Morbus to, uh, pop my cherry?
Course it's not like--oh, never mind.
Considering I did do a lot of brain fucking
hard work on Disobey.com once....
Hmmm....I wonder what "brain fucking" is? I think I now see why AFeXT
is still a cherry. Puttin' things in the wrong hole there buddy <g>.
And Angie had this to say about the Jim Morrison thingy 2 issues ago:
shit, i got behind in my VDs. had i known
the second-last one mentioned the Lizard
King, i would have certainly had a word
or two to say.
Consider them said.
Andrew M. had this to say about A-P's "Hogtown censorship" piece last
issue:
Ha! That's funny.
"Blame Canada... with their beady little
eyes and flapping heads full of lies."
-South Park the Movie
It seems as if Andrew is not a real person but perhaps a clever "Chatty
Cathy" type of artificial intelligence in that he can only express
himself through other's quotes....strange, very strange..
He drolled on further...
>But guns don't people and all that. What
>fucking moron would give a 12-year-old a
>shotgun? Unbelievable. Merry fucking
>Christmas. BOOM!!! God, I love hating
>America <g>.
Must be similar to penis envy.
Dude, you really have to learn more about penises and envy <g>.
In other news - Morbus finally got off the PERL pot and released a new
issue of Devil Shat - # Sixty. He even updated the DNN recently. Wow!
I'm impressed Morbus <g>.
And speaking of Morbus and Disobey.com, VD has a special announcement
for y'all - beginning next issue VD will be published by Disobey.com.
I'll still be writing all this crap but Disobey will be distributing it
to you. The from address and subject lines will change as will the
address for subscribing and unsubscribing. Those are as follows:
To subscribe:
SENDTO: majordomo@disobey.com
BODY: subscribe ViewerDiscretion
To unsubscribe:
SENDTO: majordomo@disobey.com
BODY: unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
The address and info will be in each issue. VD will also be archived
at disobey.com/text and a link in the "box" that appears on the main
page of Disobey and the pages of Ghost Sites (lower right). And finally
VD will also be a benefactor of "all the magic of being associated with
Disobey." Which translates into hundreds of thousands of potential
readers - woohoo! Thanks Morbus.
Anyways, let's throw this puppy in the lake and see if she drowns...
:: QUOTABLE ::
"I'm the most half-assed perfectionist you'll ever meet"
-Mary Stasiuk
"I just wanted to warn you. The tree attacked me because the lunchbox
paid him to. I pleaded for help, but the thermos only laughed. The
thermos only laughed. But, someday, when the lunar cycle is sown, THEN
the meteorites will marry the rats!."
-Andrew M.
:: QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. ::
Yes, once again, more quotes from the Quotemiester himself, Mr Miller.
If you want to receive his quotes directly then send a note to:
amiller@teleport.com and tell him VD sent ya.
SOME STUPID QUOTES OF THE LAST MILLENNIUM
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
- President Gerald Ford
"It ain't over till it's over."
-Yogi Berra
"Here lies Captain Ernest Bloomfield. Accidentally shot by his orderly,
March 2nd 1879. Well done, good and faithful servant."
-inscription on British soldier's grave in Northwest Frontier of
modern-day Pakistan.
(stupidest newspaper story of the millennium) "He smiled and let his
gaze fall to hers, so that her cheek began to glow. Ecstatically she
waited until his mouth slowly neared her own. She knew only one thing:
rdoeniadtrgoveniardgoverdgovnrdgog."
-from a story in the 'Badische Presse'
"There is no egg on the bicycle."
-First line of a Christian hymn translated into Igbo by missionaries of
the 1800s.
"TO AVOID BREAKAGE, KEEP BOTTOM ON TOP. TOP MARKED BOTTOM TO AVOID
CONFUSION."
-sign on a carton
"Just remember the words of Patrick Henry: 'Kill me or let me live."
-Bill Peterson, Florida State coach, during a half-time pep talk
"I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?"
-Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota
"I haven't been to Michigan since the last time I was there."
-attributed to former vice president Dan Quayle
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age
25."
-Mary Anne Tebedo, Republican state senator from Colorado Springs
"[God is] like, so cool. Think of the coolest person in your life. He
made that person. And *He's* cooler than *that*."
-actress Justine Bateman, on _Total_TV_
"Who he kills dies."
-Jeffery Archer, British politician and best-selling author of
thrillers, talking about Saddam Hussein
"Nuclear war would certainly set back cable."
-Ted Turner, media giant (not so giant now -Ed)
"When I have stress, I stage a mock pro-wrestling bout with my husband.
My favorite technique is to kick him in the groin. When I get a good
kick in, I really feel happy that I am married."
-Japanese wife, quoted in Japan Times
"The White House has always attracted the mentally ill."
-Secret Serviceman Vincent Charles, explaining why security was
heightened around the White House.
"Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
-Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-model Christie Brinkley
"That is true--but not absolutely true."
-Jean Drapeau, Montreal mayor
"I knew nothing of reality until Mummy died. She'd shielded us from
everything. And then suddenly I was having to deal with the butler,
the two chauffeurs, the cook, and everyone else."
-Charlotte Brown (nee de Rothschild) in the London 'Sunday Times'
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
-former vice president Dan Quayle
"It wasn't a shark attack, but a shark *accident*. More than likely he
ran into [the swimmer's] leg and got it caught in his mouth."
-town spokesman Joe Rubio, explaining away rumours that a woman had been
attacked by a shark while swimming off South Padre Island, Texas.
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
-qtd. by Orrin Hatch as a real-life stupid courtroom question
"What do I think of the Yankees? I'm sorry, I don't follow football."
-actress Anjelica Huston, in 1996, when she was asked her opinion of
the New York Yankees, who were then playing (baseball) in the World
Series.
"This makes me so angry it gets my dandruff up."
-movie mogul Sam Goldwyn
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Okay? What
school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral
-actual testimony from court records
"DRUG STORE BODY. Let's get the Good Shape and have a sexy body just
like a pig."
-slogan on a pair of Japanese overalls.
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission
to Mars.
Judge (to a witness): Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to answer "yes"
or "no," because my reporter does not have "uh-huh" and "unh-uh"
buttons on her machine. . . Plus, the jury needs to hear "yes" and
"no," not "uh-huh's" and "unh-huhs," okay?
Witness: Uh-huh
-actual testimony from court records
"Warning: Do not put head inside towel loop."
-sign on towel dispensers in Pacific Northwest
"I'm Vasectomized"
-Song that reached number three on the Thai charts in the early 1980s.
"This is the earliest I've ever been late."
-Yogi Berra, excusing himself for showing up late at a meeting.
"RARE, OUT-OF-PRINT, AND NON-EXISTENT BOOKS."
-Bookstore sign in Jacksonville, Florida
"Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am
never wrong."
-movie mogul Sam Goldwyn
Translator: Yes.
Lawyer: Yes?
Translator: Da?
Witness: Nyet.
Translator: No.
Lawyer: No?
Translator: Nyet?
Witness: Nyet.
Translator: No.
- Raisa Korenblit, girlfriend of slain Yakov Gluzman, at the trial of
his wife Rita Gluzman, being questioned by defence attorney Lawrence
Hochheiser
Hijacker (jumping out of seat and waving gun at flight attendant): Take
me to Detroit!
Attendant: But we're going to Detroit already.
Hijacker (returning to seat): Oh, good.
-actual situation on a domestic flight.
"God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be
successful."
-Donna Summer, disco singer
"[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the
tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as
their good hospitality."
-Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of
taking foreign visitors hostage.
"OUT OF ODOR"
-sign on a bathroom door in Taipei, Taiwan, nightclub
"Peace: permanent pre-hostility"
-Pentagon definition
"It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what
happens if I'm in a bad mood?"
-Vanna White, Wheel of Fortune co-star
"What finger do you use when picking your nose? After picking your
nose, how often do you find yourself looking at what you have removed?"
-from a questionnaire sent to 1,200 people by researchers at the
University of Wisconsin-Madison who had embarked on a scientific study
of rhinotillexomania - better known as nose-picking.
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it
rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a
terrible thing for the Padres!"
-Padres radio announcer Jerry Coleman, describing the progress of a fly
ball hit by a member of the opposing team.
:: DUMBASS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE ::
BRUNSWICK, Ga. (AP)--A Florida man who swallowed 55 small glass pipes
used to smoke cocaine was recovering after surgeons removed the
paraphernalia from his stomach, police said.
``At first, I thought it was vials of powder cocaine. Then I realized
it was crack pipes, and when I saw how many there were, I really
couldn't believe it,'' Brunswick police investigator Alison Drawdy said
Friday.
No charges were immediately filed against the 35-year-old Jacksonville
man, who went to an emergency room Tuesday complaining of severe abdominal
cramps, heartburn and indigestion.
He apparently swallowed the pipes while high on crack and did not
realize what he was doing, Ms. Drawdy said. The glass tubes ranged up
to 4 1/2-inches long and a quarter-inch in diameter.
``He said that he had ingested them over a couple months, and that it's
been three months since he ate the last one,'' Ms. Drawdy said.
Information about the man's condition was not released by Southeast
Georgia Regional Medical Centre.
:: RUN LOLA RUN ::
Have any of you out there seen this video? It's a German flick, original
title is LOLA RENNT, with English subtitles. Now before you
all start bitchin' about subtitles, all I can say is put your
prejudices aside and GO RENT THIS MOVIE! It is easily one of the best
movies I've seen in a long time.
The basic premise is Lola's boyfriend Manni has one hundred thousand
marks that belongs to a local crime lord and he loses it 20 minutes
before his scheduled meeting time with said crime lord. The movie then
follows Lola, who has the most incredible freakin' hair ever captured
on film, as she spends the 20 minutes trying to get another one hundred
thousand marks. It is by no means as simple as that but I really don't
want to give any of it away. It's not Hollywood by any stretch though.
Non-standard split screen imaging and long winding single camera shots,
animation, timelines, "and then" sequences all contribute to the story,
making Run Lola Run one extremely fun ride. And what a ride it is. It
starts at about 90 miles per hour and sustains that momentum until the
finish. The film's director Tom Tykwer explains it this way; "I wanted
Run Lola Run to grab the viewers and drag them along, to give them a
roller-coaster ride. I wanted the sheer, unadorned with consequences.
The soundtrack also rocks to the extreme - I even got the soundtrack on CD
now and it holds up on its own. If you rent no other movies this
year - RENT THIS ONE!!! A funky website for the flick, including some
great clips, can be found at:
http://www.spe.sony.com/classics/runlolarun/runlolarun.html
I'm gonna rent this movie again this weekend. Woohoo Run Lola Run!
:: Y2K ROUND-UP SHITE ::
Here's some Y2K shite from a local Toronto newspaper - all reprinted or
quoted without permission of course...
It seems that Mr. Peter de Jager - big Y2K bug guy - had a bidder on
ebay for his domain name www.year2000.com to the tune of $10 million
bucks. Holy shit. Now that things have quietly rolled over into the
year 2000 Peter says "the name has served its purpose well and 'can
undoubtedly be put to better use'". Like how?
One Dennis Olson of Hudson, Wis. "spent $29,000 on food, drinking water,
medical supplies and a generator to pre-pare for Y2K-related chaos". Seems
that he has "400 boxes of Hamburger Helper...175 pounds of pasta, 50 bars
of soap, nine tubes of toothpaste and other supplies... in his
basement". He goes on to say that "they may be
needed yet...this is hardly over...Thank God we got through the tonight
(Dec. 31/99-Jan. 01/00) I did the happy dance. But I don't think we're
out of the woods yet until May or June. What the fuck is the happy
dance? And how does he run his computer and shit in the woods? <g>
And in Morbus' home town of Concord, N.H. "A prison inmate sewed his
eyes and lips shut with needles and dental floss because he feared the new
year, official said. The prisoner was found "covered in baby powder
and clutching a Bible..." Actually he had just read the latest
instalment of Devilshat decided to join the Cult of Morbii who are
"going to Montana soon - gonna be a dental floss tycoon." <g>
Y2Whimper.... And those over obvious <g> thingies are only there to
piss off A-P <g>.
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered
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Next issue February 1/00
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
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Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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