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Viewer Discretion vol. 3 issue 4 September 12:00
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 4 vol. 3 September 12/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
WE ALL DROWN IN A RUSSIAN SUBMARINE - SUBMITTED BY GOATBOY
CANADIANS IN HELL - SUBMITTED BY M. MICHAEL S.
HELLO KITTY'S DREAM STORYMAKER - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE
MUSIC THAT'S GONE TO THE DOGS - FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM
BLECCH - FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM
NEW SURVIVAL RESEARCH LABORATORIES VIDEO
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "anti-Mitch" issue. Uh huh. Why? I dunno. Too much Mitch
last issue? Mitch thought so. So in the spirit of "you can't please
everyone, so fuck 'em", here's Mitch's VD Yang to his last issue's Yin...
Burp.
Well, that's about all I had to say so let's move on to what Leo had to
say:
> Morbus wants this disclaimer shite here. Why?
> Ask-A-Morbus...It's kinda like Whack-A-Mole.
It's that swollen ego.
You noticed his house has a larger door than anyone
else? It's to get that big head of his through ;-)
leandro
I know eh, the pig doesn't even answer email anymore - he's too impotent
now that he's whatever it is he is. Uh huh. <g>
Other people wrote in but I can't remember where I put their mail...
Man, I feel like 10lbs of shite in a 5lb bag...
And oh yeah, HUGE FUCKIN' NEWS!!!! Long time VDer Angie won a brand
freakin' new 2000 Harley Davidson in a contest around these parts!!!
Way to go Ang!!! Take me for a ride? I don't mean that the way it
sounds...ah hell, I'm a guy, sure I do... <g> Congrats Ang!!! Hmmm....
If I hadn't already written the above bit about an anti-Mitch issue I
may very well have called this issue the Angie rides a Hog issue...but I
didn't....next time....<g>
Heard or read this little gem somewhere that there is an equal number of
beavers to people in Manitoba. All that beaver and no pussy...but
does it still taste like chicken? <g>
Let's light this bag o'shite on fire and leave it on someone's doorstep.
:: QUOTABLE ::
"In thirty years, Satan'll be running the whale "Ye shepard! Heed mine
words: Thee're Fuckin' A Right Satan'll Smite Thee.""
-Goatboy's sigfile
:: WE ALL DROWN IN A RUSSIAN SUBMARINE - SUBMITTED BY GOATBOY ::
Sang to the theme of "We all live in a Yellow submarine" (found by Jason
on some discussion list)
In the town
Where I was born
Lived a man
With PhD
And he told
Us of his job
Making faulty
Submarines
So we sailed
Up to the north
Till we found
The Barents Sea
And we sank
Beneath the waves
In our Russian
Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
Casualties
Jump by the score
As we hit
The ocean floor
And the air
Begins to fade
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
Radiation
Makes us hot
Hypothermia
Makes us not
Turning blue
And glowing green
In our Russian
Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
We all drown in a Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
A Russian Submarine
....alex
Observe, reason, and experiment.
(If you're too dumb, just pray)
:: CANADIANS IN HELL - SUBMITTED BY M. MICHAEL S. ::
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in
parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil
asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little it,
eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in
parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot
down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from
Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance
to warm up a little bit, eh.""
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing
and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from
Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage
and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you
two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the
weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in
hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads
for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.
NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like
mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If
hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
:: HELLO KITTY'S DREAM STORYMAKER - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE ::
I am having way too much fun with Sanrio mad libs. Here is one I came up
with tonight:
Badtz-Maru was on his way to Iceland when he saw a spider. Waffles, he
said. Suddenly, Pandaba appeared holding a purple blender. Follow me,
said Pandaba, and the two friends ran down the street until they came to
an angry turtle. Oddly, Badtz-Maru ran towards the turtle while Pandaba
mooed and rolled. Down the road came an eggplant. It had 23 bunnies and a
dancing cloud. Pandaba and Badtz looked at each other and cried.
http://www.sanrio.com/main/funzone/gamegallery/story1.html
yay!
Ahh the endless possibilities of Hello Kitty's dream storymaker:
Hello Kitty sat dreaming about sleepy bunnies. One day she hoped to be a
Lumberjack. If I think hard I can be whatever I want to be, she thought.
Her parents always hated her. One day, you could be a Burglar, said mama.
Or perhaps a Whore, added papa. I think you should be a Crack Dealer just
like grandpa, said grandma. Hello Kitty picked up her boogers and went
into the attic. Feeling a bit small, she decided to make a big batch of
slug snacks for her family.
http://www.sanrio.com/main/funzone/gamegallery/story3.html
okay, I'll stop now.
bunniee
:: MUSIC THAT'S GONE TO THE DOGS - FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM ::
The Washington Post
Sunday, September 3, 2000
For people, there is Beethoven. For poodles, there is "Pethoven," the
first (as far as we know) full CD of music specifically designed for
pets. Joe Procopio, a musician in Chapel Hill, N.C., dreamed up this
concept nearly a decade ago while noodling around on the high notes of a
piano. His daughter's finches started chirping wildly, and it hit him:
Animals need music, too.
All of "Pethoven's" melodies are recorded twice, once at normal decibels
and then at high frequency. But don't worry. "Great care is taken not to
harm any pet, and none of the frequencies are out of normal human hearing
range," Procopio says on his Web site, pethoven.com. So your little
friend can rock 'n' roll in comfort.
"Pethoven" won't appeal to folks without fur or feathers -- it sounds
like distorted, squeaky merry-go-round music, and grinds along without
mercy -- but it's not really made for us humans. So we tested it on a
member of its intended audience, an adorable dachshund named Max who
seems fond of everything.
Max took in a droopy earful of "Never Be Lonely," the album's lead-off
track, then wagged his tail and started licking this critic's shoe.
Within 30 seconds, he lay down and started to nap.
In short, he seemed entirely indifferent to "Pethoven."
:: BLECCH - FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM ::
Here's a hideous recipe for ground pork and peanut butter cookies. Yes,
you read that correctly. What the hell were they thinking? If this is the
heart of Iowa cooking, I'm staying far away.
If you dare:
* Exported from MasterCook *
GROUND PORK PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES
Recipe By :
Serving Size : 60 Preparation Time :0:00
Categories : Cookies Desserts
Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
1/2 lb Ground pork
1 cup Lard
1 cup Sugar
1 cup Brown sugar
2 Eggs -- well beaten
3 cup Flour
2 ts Soda
1/2 ts Cinnamon
1/2 cup Peanut butter
1/2 cup Nuts
1/2 cup Orange rind -- shredded
Brown ground pork; drain. Cream lard, white sugar, brown sugar and eggs.
Add flour, soda, cinnamon. Blend in peanut butter, nuts and shredded
orange rind. Stir in ground pork. Shape into small balls on greased
cookie sheet.
Press down with fork dipped in sugar. Bake at 350 for 10 min. Makes 5
doz. cookies. Keep refrigerated. FROM THE HEART OF IOWA COOKBOOK, Lisa
Crawley/Cedar Rapids
http://soar.berkeley.edu/recipes/weird/recipe8.rec
bunniee
:: NEW SURVIVAL RESEARCH LABORATORIES VIDEO ::
New SRL Video
Allan Kelley has finished editing video for the Tokyo show "Arbitrary
Calculation of Pathological Amusement". It will be for sale on the SRL
website in a few weeks. Please check http://www.srl.org
Ticket information for the upcoming October 28 2000 Phoenix show will
also be posted on the site.
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate VD and want to send in cheap
ass stupid insults, type 'em up and send it to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: Dylan and The Dead
Diana Krall - various
Sarah Mclachlan - Rarities, B-sides
& Other Stuff
Beck - Odelay
417 subscribers
This issue makes absolutely no sense.
Next issue September 26/00
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__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
Morbus wants this disclaimer shite here. Why? Ask-A-Morbus...It's kinda
like Whack-A-Mole.
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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