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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 20 April 27:99
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 20 vol. 1 April 27/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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T h e r e a r e 2 4 8 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . .
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY
TOP 10 THINGS TO DO AT HARDEES - BY KIRK KITTELL
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT - SUBMITTED BY BILL C. LEIKAM
TRENCHCOATMAFIA DOMAINS REGISTERED - FROM ZDNET NEWS
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "NO DOUBT IT'S A SPROUT"issue. You know while the
States are out bombing everyone they selectively think need "help",
their own citizens are killing each other at a rate that is unmatched
anywhere else on this planet (probably this universe). But that has
nothing to do with ultra-lax gun control right Mr. Heston? 220 million
guns...15 kids dead every day due to handguns (accidents included)...
But that's OK because as Chuck and company like to spew forth; "an
armed society is a polite society". Uh sorry, an asshole in an armed
society is an asshole with a gun - trenchcoats are optional. No thanks.
Sheesh...morons... I'm all for building that wall along the Canada U.S.
border one of those wacko U.S. senators talked about - but not to keep
Canadians and others out of the U.S. - but rather to keep Americans out
of Canada (Morbus and A-P are excluded from this of course) <g>.
In other news...Goatboy had the following to say about Anti-Press's
satirical idealization of Canada in his Cyber-Gremlins piece last
issue:
"He's never been to Canada. For anyone that comes here to visit, they
will never see a moose, an RCMP officer, REAL maple leaf syrup, NICE
French Quebecers and I have yet to see William Shatner walk proudly
down the streets. Ah, silly Amerikaeins."
The Hardees top 10 list thingy below was lifted from a really good zine
entitled Captain's Weekly Newsletter. It can be found at
http://www.angelfire.com/il/weeklynews - I went there to check out the
latest issue and ended up going back several times to read all the back
issues as well. Highly entertaining and well worth the read. Go there -
you'll be glad you did. And tell 'em VD sent ya.
In even other news...from the exoScience list (http://www.exosci.com/):
There are firm plans to send a sundial to Mars on the next mission,
and then broadcast images of it in real-time on the internet. Kind of
silly, but if it keeps the kids happy...
http://www.msnbc.com/news/261858.asp
-hmmm...ya gotta wonder how much something stupid like that costs and
who's paying for it? Not to mention the questions of do we really care
what time it is on Mars and does it really matter? Hey maybe it does
matter... I just got an idea - let's colonize Mars and send every member
of the NRA there so they can have their "armed but polite" society. I'd
contribute to that endeavor...
:: QUOTABLE ::
"My show is plain stupid"
-Jerry Springer
"As you grow older you do one of two things; grow up or fuck up."
-Joe Tomorrow
:: NO FOOLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY::
Organic Wars
Weapon designation by Rob Galkowski
Although with the departure of Emmet Stiff from his Sunday afternoon
shift, caused by his sudden need to learn tap dancing, the no frill's
Warfare Division has not been put on hold. Nevertheless (what a strange
word) I think it is still important to describe the various weapons and
armours used during the no frillian Organic Wars. no frill historians
will probably understand the value of this information, being an
important milestone in the evolutionary understanding of the "clerk".
Here is a brief description of some of the weapons used by the clerk.
Cee Cee (Case Cutter)
Emergency Gatling Granade (EGG)
TorpedO Matter-Antimatter Temporal Organic Emitter (TOMATOE)
Secret High AutoVolume Ionized Neutralizing Gun (SHAVING Cream)
Bomb Small Personal Rapid Output Unguided Trajectory (Brussel SPROUT)
Persona Interception Emissions (PIE)
Generally Rotten Organic Smelly Substance (GROSS)
Object Removal And Napalm Group Eliminator (ORANGE)
Anti Vessel Or Craft Armed Detonator Ommitor (AVOCADO)
Laser Emitting Mini Open-air Nailgun (LEMON)
Self Emitting Non Seen Object foR Tracking Army Groups (SENSORTAG)
Carbon Oxidated Liquid Attack (COLA)
Chemical Holding Emitter Self Timed Neutralizing Under Threat (CHESTNUT)
While the combat training is usually done between the Grocery and the
Produce department, both sections have been known of deep military
espionage. Most of the Military Produce Equipment listed above has been
seized during commando operations in docking operations. Fortunately,
thanks to the genius of our scientists (and lack of gray matter on the
produce department) they have been unable to correctly use our COLA
containers against us. They shake the bottle and aim it at us, not
realizing that the pressure and the backfire will cause the high
pressure liquid to bounce on the cap and hit them instead. Here we
teach a valuable lesson: you shake the bottle, and with your Cee Cee,
slash across it on the direction your friendly (but dumb) produce
clerk is. This will cause the liquid from coming out at high speed and
washing him down. This works great, even at far distances.
The mushrooms are another of our favourites. They are very silent
weapons, although they lack accuracy at long distances because of their
shape. This is where the Brussell sprouts come in handy. They are
generally small, round and rather more aerodynamic than your usual
organic weapon. Their incredible silence as they move through the air
is what makes them such a ... stealth. Some people only realize they
are under attack by Brussell sprouts after they got hit. And sprouts,
at high speeds, can be very painful. In fact, they have been seen
ripping through a double layered "no frill" poster. So far, the only
other object that managed to do that were the boxes of tissue (150
sheets, Kleenex brand). Perhaps because of their boxy shape, some of
them tend to get stuck in between the two paper layers. The boxes have
the advantage of a higher hit probability, but require much more
momentum because of their lightness. They are not used for offensive
attacks, but usually for a tease attack (read: desperate).
NO DOUBT IT'S A SPROUT
no frills organic wars
Monday, April 26th - Monday, May 3rd
"support your local clerk militia"
:: TOP 10 THINGS TO DO AT HARDEES - BY KIRK KITTELL::
10. Drive your car through the Drive Thru in reverse. Have the person
in the passenger seat order and pay for the food.
9. Pay for your order in pennies.
8. When the cashier asks you what you want to order, act disgusted and
say "What do YOU think I want to order?"
7. Put Alka-Seltzer in your mouth before you walk up to the counter and
ask the cashier how much they charge for an order of small children.
6. Ask the cashier how much money she used to make in the circus as the
bearded lady.
5. Wear a trench coat. Walk behind the counter and start looking at the
food. When they ask what you're doing, flip out a badge and tell them
you work for the FDA. Watch them freak out.
4. Ask for a Big Mac. Throw a tantrum when they tell you that they
don't serve Big Macs.
3. Mumble into the Drive Thru until they ask you to pull up to the
window and order. When you pull up to the window, use a megaphone to
scream at them.
2. Ask if you can put a cheeseburger on layaway.
1. Steal the signs inside the restaurant (does that sound familiar to
anyone reading this? No names mentioned here......)
:: YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT - SUBMITTED BY BILL C. LEIKAM ::
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
The lineage is finally revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't
know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &.
Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply
religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe
Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock, and because
her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt. So now if
someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not
only do you know Jack, you know his WHOLE FAMILY!!!"
submitted by some Schitt-head (sorry Jon, I couldn't resist)
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
selected humor from the files of
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:: TRENCHCOATMAFIA DOMAINS REGISTERED - FROM ZDNET NEWS ::
Here we go already....
---
Trenchcoatmafia domains registered
Registrars say they want to ensure that no one makes money off the name.
by Michael Fitzgerald
Two different individuals have registered the .com, .org and .net
domains for trenchcoatmafia, both with the stated intent of preventing
the names from being used for commercial purposes.
The domains were registered Wednesday, according to registrar Network
Solutions Inc. "Trenchcoatmafia.com" was registered by Redhorn Inc. in
Hampton, N.H., while the .org and .net versions were registered by Jose
Troche, an individual in Norton, Mass.
Redhorn, an Internet service provider, could not be reached, but a
statement on the trenchcoatmafia.com site began by saying "I registered
it to beat anyone who would want to make a profit at it. What happened
in Colorado was a very sick and twisted thing and I am very saddened by
it."
The statement offered to post information on emergency numbers or help
lines that would aid people affected by the killings.
Troche said his sentiments were similar, and that he hadn't registered
.com as well only because it was already registered.
"My motive behind (registering) it is so some other sick organization
doesn't capitalize on it," he told ZDNN. "I have children, too, and I
don't want them going on the Internet and finding sick things like
Satanism and how to make pipe bombs and 'I hate blacks' and 'I hate
Hispanics' and that."
Troche, who would not give his occupation, but said that what he does
for a living does not involve computers, plans to build a virtual
memorial to the victims of the tragedy at Trenchcoatmafia.org and
Trenchcoatmafia.net.
Not for sale
Troche's registration form indicates that the domain name is for sale,
but he said that was not the case. He explained that the first domain
name he registered, troche.com, was for sale, and when he registers new
sites, it continues to contain that tagline.
Perhaps because of the tagline, he said he's already received 55 hate
mails from Netizens, and two offers to buy the domain names -- one for
$20,000.
"I'm taking time on my day off and e-mailing every one of them, even
the hate-mailers, and explaining why I'm doing it. Somebody has to
stand up for this," Troche said
---
He better take his day off to answer those 55 hate mails...people might
get so pissed off that they would actually shoot him....10 to 1 odds he
sells the domain within 6 months at a hefty profit. And why not? Along
with gun ownership, capitalism is the other sacred cow of American
culture. Of course some would argue that the only culture America has
is bacterial.... <g> (apologies to Morbus, A-P, whoever - I mean those
*other* Americans...nudge, nudge, wink, wink and all that). That Mars -
NRA colonization thing is looking better all the time...
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD just about anywhere in America...really. But if you
want VD delivered to your mailbox, you have to send an empty email to:
v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you don't want VD or are angered by unAmericanisms then
send an empty email to: v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com
And we'll unsub your unappreciative, unworthy, underachieving ass.
Pretty simple huh? Well, most of the time for most of the people.
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth -
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
because Morbus really is an Honourary Canadian because he can like,
think.
Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Morbus doesn't appear courtesy of lazyass.com <g>
Everyone else appears here 'cause I ripped 'em off but at least I gave
them credit.
Next issue May 11/99 <-Gary's birthday!
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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