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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 3 september 1:98
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 3 vol. 1 september 1/98
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
__ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __
__ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
THE REEF
HORROR - BY MORBUS
WHURL-A-URL
BOOKS
WEBSHITE
TRIVIA
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to The Cottage Issue. Not that this issue has anything to do
with cottages except that I am writing it while at the cottage on
vacation (yes I'm a geek who takes his laptop to the cottage) .
I like being on vacation but I don't necessarily like being at the
cottage. It's just so.....cottagy. Actually I think that cottages
suck. Fuckin' wildlife and nature shit, makes me want to puke granola.
Thank god I'm back in town where I can breath polluted air that is
almost tactile. I hate not tasting and chewing what I breath, know
what I mean? And besides it's long distance to dial in and check my
email and an ugly assed leach decided to have a blood lunch on my foot.
Bitch, bitch bitch.
OK, so you've read a couple of issues of vd by now (or just deleted
them, whatever). It's now the time that I solicit you, valued reader,
for your input. I need one brave soul (or several) to go to one of the
coolest sites on the net, that also just happens to be where VD is
archived, http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
(have a look around while you're there - you're sure to find something
you'll like). You will notice at the bottom of the page it says:
"No one has reviewed Viewer Discretion as of yet.
You want to write one? Just click here."
Well, no one has clicked there to submit a review as of yet and quite
frankly, it's embarrassing. Will someone please go and review this rag
before I have to lower myself to assuming a fake identity like
noserot@snot.com or something and review it myself. C'mon, this is
your chance to suck up to or piss off your dedicated VD staff -
don't waste it. But keep this thought in mind: (paraphrasing someone
else) "Why do all the music critics like Elvis Costello and hate Van
Halen? Because they all look like Elvis Costello." I have no idea how
that applies here but I like the quote - yahoo!
I guess that's enough of my whining, so here's the rest of this issue
of Viewer Discretion...enjoy - guaranteed to 100% granola free.
:: QUOTABLE ::
I don't want to fuck everything that's dead.
-Sandra from the movie KISSED
> Hey VD,
> Although the http://www.deadfishsmellbad.com almost had me there
> in its, um, similarity the real answer is http://www.mum.org
> which of course everyone knows is the Museum of Raggin' Out.
> Have a day.
-Angie C.
This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy went to Eyeball World
-Connor aged 5
:: THE REEF ::
This week's gem from The Reef is a bright yellow booklet I received
entitled "Entertaining Demons Unawares". It is published by The
Southwest Radio Church. The 1st chapter in this thing is titled "Images
That God Hates". Assuming that these people haven't actually spoke to
God to get his/her/it's opinion, I'd say that's a tad presumptuous.
This publication is a transcript of a radio show with the host being
one Emil Gaverluk...hmmm...maybe there should be a chapter titled Names
That God Hates...just a thought. This is your typical, whatever that
means, "we're better Christians than you" word drool that vomits from
U.S. networks regularly bilking old ladies out of their pensions
forcing them to eat their cats or their cat's food or something like
that. Except this particular issue of this publication seems to focus
on E.T., yes that ugly little movie visitor from beyond, and the
attempts of the Hollywood powers that be to replace Jesus with E.T. in
all aspects of popular culture. Sounds OK by me... Some randumb quotes
from the booklet:
"I believe that Satan is involved in the educational process"
- Robert Lindsted
"Others have found as many as 33 parallels between the movie E.T. and
the life of Christ"
- Robert Lindsted
"What is E.T. doing in the Nativity scene?"
- Robert Lindsted quoting Ziggy
"When the resurrection occurs, which could occur at any moment -
tomorrow, this week or next week; what are these secular, unregenerate
people (who are left behind, not raptured) going to tell their
children? Are they going to say, 'We have another alternative. Do you
remember E.T.?"
- Emil Gaverluk
Well Emil, I don't know what you would say, but I personally would say
thank God those annoying fucking fanatics next door have left! And then
hand my kid a Cabbage Patch Satan doll and a sucker while I go ransack
your house. After all, you can't take it with you.
:: HORROR - BY MORBUS ::
Fright Night Part II
So I'm sitting at home trying to figure various ways for weaseling out
of a review. I haven't seen any new movies in the theatre because I'm
poorer than an Ethiopian with a can and no can-opener. I mean, I guess
I could talk about what I've heard OTHER people say, but that could get
potentially damaging to my illustrious career as a top-notch reviewer.
So, what do I do instead? I watch an ass-crap movie that I had been
putting off until I was really desperate.
FRIGHT NIGHT PART II is a member of my quest to get a bunch of crappy
movies, hold and cherish them, and then show them off when people come
over. Kinda like my Hanson ... uh... nevermind. Honestly though, I
thought I was going to be impressed with this movie when it opened up
really well, giving us flashy flashback sequences and a voiceover of
what happened in the first movie. Those five minutes had me going.
Then it devolved into several accounts of moth eating and a bunch of
"guy got chick but keeps missing dates because of another chick who
turns out to be a vampiress" and his epic struggle to get his real
girlfriend back as he thwarts aforementioned vampiress (who turns out
to be the sister of the vampire he and Peter Vincent killed in the
first FRIGHT NIGHT).
The only thing this movie has going for it are the kick ass special
effects toward the end. Well done, including one "stomach rip open
bunch o maggots and other crawlies falling out" and a "dissolving
skeleton with 100% USDA gore fest".
Other than that, this movie sucked. Fast forward until you get to the
good parts.
:: WHURL-A-URL ::
We have a winner from last issue!! Reginald J. sent in the correct
answer before anyone else and he even included a trivia question for
me that I have included below in yet another VD contest. Anyways, I
sent Reginald his scanned copy of a signed, crappy print out of the
last issue of VD - I bet he was thrilled! And here is his likeness
for all to see:
__________________
..iiiiiiii.. / \
.iiiiiiii. | Congratulations! |
| o o | |mm _| |
| _\ | | | _ Reginald J. |
| ^^ | | | | |
._| ~ |_| | | You've won |
| ___| | the 2nd VD |
| || | | challenge! |
<\/> \__________________/
Thanks to Morbus for the artwork - VD's official "Bad ASCII,
Short Notice" artist.
Anyways, once again, let's WHURL-A-URL....
www.cottagesareboring.org
www.junkfood.com
www.necrophilia.com
www.discobey.org
www.hell.com
www.eatshitanddie.org
www.jesuswepped.net
Guess which URL is real and this time win an image I found online of
a an x-ray of some poor sap who, while looking for sexual relief,
got a live round of ammunition, and a big one at that, stuck up his
butt - imagine the blue flame... First person to email
v_d@iname.com the correct answer wins. Ready? On your mark, get set,
WHURL-A-URL!
:: BOOKS ::
_Angela's Ashes_ by Frank McCourt This book is an absolute must read
for everyone. It's a biography of the author's upbringing in Ireland
in the early part of this century. The sheer poverty is overwhelming.
The deaths of his siblings just seem senseless but today's standards.
The portrayals of his father (who you just want to murder), his
relatives, his school masters and religious leaders range from comical
to pathetic to outrageous. But through it all Frank never once asks for
sympathy or plays the "poor me" card. This was just his normal life
given the time and local. And aside from the bleakness throughout the
book there are some outright hilarious scenes that had me laughing out
loud. The only fault with this, his first book, written after retiring
from a career as a school teacher in the U.S., is that the ending of
the book, with his arrival in the U.S., leaves the reader begging to
find out what happened in that part of his life. Perhaps there will be
a continuation...
:: WEBSHITE ::
Hello Kitty Ninja Warriors - http://www.process.org/hknw/
is the online, illegitimate love child of bunniee@punkass.com (great
email address) of Austin, TX. This is a fun site that has links to
(and not just HTML links) various online fringe groups (The Process,
The Sacred Temple Ov Moo, etc.). There is some really funny reading
in the Psillyness section which features the wonderful story "Pooh
Bear Goes Apeshit" - I think I'll wait till my kids are older before
I read them this one. If you are really daring, well not really but
that sounds cool, then check out the Idlewhore Sinring. Also check
out the negative feedback section for a laugh. Who says everything
online has to be serious - if that were true would you be reading
VD? There are also links to some very cool non-mainstream music on
this site. The only thing the site lacks is a link to VD's archive ;)
:: TRIVIA ::
Reginald J. submits this little teaser below. Anyone know the answer?
1st correct wins a virtual date with Morbus (unless Morbus submits
the 1st correct answer then the prize is a virtual date with Goatboy
and visa versa ad infinitum). Here's the question:
What cartoon character says "We're doomed!" on a regular basis?
Answer next issue.
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD by not brushing after every meal or changing your
underwear while trying to find out if bears really do go poop in the
woods. Or you can send an empty email to v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
If you have something you'd like to see in vd or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or just want to scream at someone, send a note to
v_d@iname.com
Viewer Discretion, VD and all likenesses, imaginary or real, are
copyrighted, lefted and centered.
Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com
Remember, don't forget.
Next issue September 15/98
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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