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Viewer Discretion vol. 3 issue 2 August 15:00
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 2 vol. 3 August 15/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MITCH PART I - BY MITCH S.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MITCH PART II - BY MITCH S.
QUIZSHITE
WHERE ARE THEY NOW SHITE?
$45.5 MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF SPAM
WHY DO EMN HAVE NIPPLES? - FROM TVO
JET CITY ORANGE PROMO
HUMOURSHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "this issue is late" issue. Uh huh. See I'm still on
vacation and every day seems like a Sunday afternoon... So it wasn't
until I was taking the garbage out that I remembered that I had to put
out an issue today... Strange things that trigger memories....
Here's the latest of what's been up at Camp VD...
After spending umpteen thousands (that we don't have) we now own a
2000 Dodge Caravan - woohoo! Actually the bank owns it and we just
drive it. The bimbobox was to facilitate our family vacation, which I
will tell you more about below (but no slides <g>).
Here's a quick synopsis of my vacation.... So I drove through Northern
Ontario, with my wife and 3 kids in our new minivan, on our way to
Brandon, Manitoba (to visit a relative). The drive there was great -
sunshine all the way (3 days of driving and camping). Coming home we
decided to do a straight run (approximately 28 hours driving) and we
ran into a storm off of Lake Superior (which is not really a lake but
an inland ocean - it's so freakin' huge!). We drove through 200
kilometres of blinding rain, dense fog and wind on a two lane highway
that has drop-offs on one side into the lake and big assed transport
trucks passing you and riding six inches of your bumper if you dare to
try and slow down and drive ...cautiously?... Asshole truckers. I hate
'em. But we made it straight (about 34 hours with pee breaks for the
kids). I vowed to never drive that highway again. The Trans-Canada
really sucks for non-commercial drivers. Not to mention that less than
an hour from the Manitoba border Ontario gas stations were charging as
much as .85 cents a litre (approximately $3.40 a gallon) yet 20 minutes
across the border and Manitoba stations were charging .60 cents a
litre! Fucking Mike Harris suck-up business scums in Northern Ontario.
So getting to Brandon you gotta drive about four hours west of the
Ontario border - four hours of flat, really flat, like a pancake with
wheat growing out it flat driving. Other than the beautiful BIG SKY,
it got old real fast. But the time in Brandon and the trips around
Manitoba was great. We even made it down into North Dakota (about 1.5
hours south of Brandon). We crossed into ND and found no border towns,
nothing for about 20 miles. Saw a couple of traffic signs with
buckshot and bullet holes though so we knew we were in America <g>.
Really changed my idea of all of America being this densely populated
place. I gather that most of ND is a Native reserve so hence the
unpopulatedness (is that a word?!?!?). I got gas for $1.50 US and even
with the exchange it was cheaper than buying gas in Canada. We were
even going to drive through the States on our way home but then
remembered that I had some marijuana with me and didn't want to infer
the wrath of Yankee "zero tolerance" and lose our new van or worse -
experience a border patrol executed cavity search...again <g>
Anyways, that was a quick synopsis, now let's move onto other things...
There's a new issue of Capital Of Nasty that came out today. It's a
really good read - with no cavity searches....unless you ask Leo
nicely <g>
And in the Reader's Write dept.:
The wonderfully talented Mitch S. had this to speaketh:
MORE VD! Awright: Everbody Listen UP Here!! So ya
didn't like the flat issue? Get offa yer dead ass
and SUBMIT! Like, do you really think this is FUN?
Week after week, cold sweat dripping into the
keyboard, fingers pruny and pale from clenching the
mouse, stomach acids churning away at the incipient
ulcer...for WHAT? Who appreciates us enough to
THINK? Yeah? PROVE IT! Gather the pitiful remnants
of a once functional mind and SUBMIT to VD....
Yeah Mitch, go boy go... Send VD the little bits of your once
functional brains - VD likes brain matter...tasty... Thanks for the
sentiments...
Qualinator@aol.com had this to spew forth:
To: neil@yorku.ca
Subject: Re: .ili..disobey..ili...: VD No. 1 Vol. 3
I was the poor Bastard that tried to put up with Candice's
Shit last weekend -- you didn't miss much but maybe I
deserve a T-shirt for saving you all -- A friggin martyr in
my own time !!!
Dude, I have no idea (or remembrance) of what you are talking about.
But if anyone out there has a stinky old T-shirt they want to part with
sent it to me and I'll send it Qualinator...
Anyways, let's rot what's left of yer brains and eat the pieces...
:: QUOTABLE ::
"geezus, Neil, it's not like they don't provide washrooms for ya
there..."
-Angie C. after reading about someone getting busted on campus for
urinating on the sidewalk. And no it wasn't me - I only urinate in
cubicle farms <g>
:: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MITCH PART I - BY MITCH S. ::
Why do I think Keren has a really neat set of acrylic fingernails, a
chronic yeast infection, and contacts, just because she can't be
bothered to spell words..or proofread..or construct a logical sentence?
Dunno guys, mebbe Keren could do an issue..all about baby seals, and
why eating meat is cruel.
Probably could include greasy penguins with not too much effort. Run
the whole thing thru the spellcheck, include a few *shite*'s, throw in
a disclaimer...hey, somebody's gotta do it, and you're gonna be busy
recording that mystery CD. I know, you didn't want that to get out,
but hey, this is the electronic universe..didn't you think we'd catch
on? Vacation, right. Gotta decent new computer, on adsl, LOVIN' it.
So why doncha setup a website to promote the TOURETTE? (Working title)
Ya got yer excuse to twitch, gesticulate, expostulate, expectorate,
gargle and snarl..all in the title. Also..works as cute nickname for
Keren..who oughta get to go on the 40 city tour as groupie
coordinator..Bunny, ya gotta get outa there for a few days while Ms.K
is in charge..there are laws against bimbocide. I think it's a $50
fine, and sure, it's worth it..but pointless..there's sure more bimbos
than you've got 50's. Besides, a week or so in the hot springs, a few
rolls in a convenient snowbank, and you'll be a HAPPY Bunny. Don't
forget the sunscreen..Mitch S.
:: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO MITCH PART II - BY MITCH S. ::
Bandwidth is the finest thing, except for RAM, to make me sing..this
dsl supercharges all the Homers and their Marges..attracts new lovers,
geekers all, and gets yer flower off the wall; old friends show up to
drool and grin, pale green with envy, their smiles are thin, ain't life
surprizin', I'm surmisin', broadband's soon on yer horizon. Burma
Shave Diatribe/Rant> May all corporate bugfucking beancounters be
reincarnated as bridge abutments in Trenton, New Jersey; those
unrepentant lying frauds..aren't they supposed to be lawyers if they
act that way? Tech Support? Don't make me weep! The whole tech
support system for broadband access is beta..swear to God they hire
those guys for minimum wage out of the labor pool; most of 'em can just
barely roll the pack of cigs up in their t shirt sleeve..the captions
on their tattoos are misspelled..believe their motto is "less
filling", and all of their moms wore combat boots(they DO have Moms,
right?) After three months of daily effort FINALLY have dsl service,
and wouldn't you know it, only had to become service technician MYSELF
to get onsite support 24/7, though it's difficult as of yet to get the
beancounting pinheads to accept the necessity of PAYING me for this..
best help I got was immigrant from Bombay..and he was tres amused at
pitiful condition of local support..so the access is wonderful, the
support is piss poor, the price is right, the frustration is near
unendurable..but it's the only game in town. Mitch S.
:: QUIZSHITE ::
I found this online somewhere I can't remember...
The World's Easiest Quiz?
(Answers at the bottom. Hey - NO Cheating!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
(Scroll Down)
Answers To The Quiz
1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish
of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
:: WHERE ARE THEY NOW SHITE? ::
Ripped this bit from Zentertainment (http://www.ZENtertainment.com)
'70s rock icon Peter Frampton performs on DISNEY's Tigger tribute, with
a new rendition of "Show Me the Way," and the dance track "Tigger Bop."
The 14-song disc also includes a hip-hop version of "Gently Tigger
Dear." http://www.tiggermania.com
:: $45.5 MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF SPAM ::
I received these two notices in my mailbox and though I would "share
the wealth"... -Ed.
#1
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 03:31:01 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sadiq Abacha <sadiqabacha@naijanet.com>
To: the_annihilation_fountain@iname.com
Subject: Waiting for your reply
Dear Sir,
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
It is with heart full of hope that I write to seek your help in the
context below. I am Sadiq Abacha the second son of the former Nigerian
Head of State Late General Sani Abacha, whose sudden death occurred on
the 8th June 1998.Having gotten your particulars from the family's
Close Friend, I have no doubt about your capacity and good will to
assist me in receiving into your custody (for safety) the sum of
US$45.5Millon (Forty five million, five hundred thousand united states
dollars only) willed and deposited in my favour by my late father.
This money is currently kept in a Trust Deposit Account with a Finance
and Security Company in Canada. As its legally required the
administration of my late father property is under the authority of the
family's lawyer, named Barrister Mustapha Idris (SAN). However, the new
democratic! government has on assumption of office set-up a panel of
enquiry to probe the financial activities of my late father (former
head of state) with a decision to freeze all his assets respectively.
The investigative team have submitted their report, presently some cash
and assets has been frozen and seized. Fortunately, our family lawyer
had concealed the Personal will of my father from the notice of the
investigators and have strictly advised that the willed money be
urgently moved into an overseas account of Trusted Foreign Family
Friend without delay, for security reasons. The government had earlier
placed foreign Travel Embargo on all our family members and seized all
known local and international outfits of our business empire. The
situation has been so terrible that we are virtually living on the
assistance of well wishers. In view of this plight therefore, I expect
you to be trust worthy and kind enough to respond to! this call (S.O.S)
to save my family and me from a hope! less future.
I hereby agree to compensate your sincere and candid effort in this
regard with 25% of the fund when finally received in your local bank
account. The Attorney have perfected arrangement with the bankers to
effect complete dislodgement of this money within a week of the receipt
of your response through fax. They have equally guaranteed 100% risk-
free and smooth transfer. Please all contacts must be made through my
lawyer, Barrister Mustapha Idris (SAN), via e-mail:
mustaphaidris@yahoo.com. for security reasons.
I look forward to your quick response, thanking you for your kind
understanding and co-operation in anticipation.
Thanks,
Sadiq Abacha
#2
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000 05:50:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sadiq Abacha <sadiqabacha@naijanet.com>
To: "the_annihilation_fountain@iname.com"
<the_annihilation_fountain@iname.com>
Subject: Waiting for your reply
BISIMILIAHI RAHAMANI RAHEEM
Colonel Usman Bala (Rtd)
Plot 35b, Phase 11
Victoria Garden
Ikoyi - Lagos.
E-mail: usmanbala @naijanet.com
Attn: THE MANAGING DIRECTOR
Strictly Confidential
I am Colonel Usman Bala (Rted), I served as chairman of the Federal
Government of Nigeria contract review panel under the regime of General
Abudulsalam Abubarkar (RTD) and was able with assistance of two of my
panel members to set aside Forty-five million, five hundred thousand
United States Dollars (US$45.5M) only, which emanated from Grossly
over-invoiced contract awarded by the Nigerian National Petroleum
Corporation (NNPC) and Federal Ministry of Works and Aviation (FMW & A)
to Foreign firms.
Having gotten your particulars from a close associate I have no doubt
your capacity and good will to assist me in receiving into your custody
(for safety) this sum US$45.5M.
Sir, with careful! collaboration with the Director of Currency
Operations in the Central Bank of Nigeria, the fund was secured and
concealed in a secret vault in a security company here in Nigeria, as a
computer ledger cards. Recently in a bid to avoid suspicion and escape
probing from the Democratically elected Government, the fund was
freighted out of Nigeria through a diplomatic coverage to a
Sub-regional West-European Security and Finance Company.
I hereby agree to compensate your sincere and candid efforts in this
regards with 25% of the fund when finally received in your local or off
- shore bank account. You should not fear any risk because we have
concluded arrangement to save guide you in the transaction. This
business is 100% risk free. Hence it requires high level of
confidentiality and secrecy.
The areas we intend to invest our money are in purchasing of
recreational centers (a) Real Estates (b) Hotels and (c) Crude Oil
Exploration (Petroleum Prospecting) (d) ! Maritime Services.
But if these areas mentioned are not feasible you can verify and advice
us on any other lucrative areas to invest. For positive and much
expected result. WE ARE ALSO PREPARED TO ENTER INTO AGREEMENT WITH YOU
FOR MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING IN RESPECT TO THIS DEAL.
Please you are expected to contact me via E-mail:
usmanbala@naijanet.com.
Best wishes
Maa-Salam
Colonel Usman Bala (Rtd)
:: WHY DO EMN HAVE NIPPLES? - FROM TVO ::
(This was forwarded to me by a friend. -Ed).
When Inquiring Minds, TVO's science program for young adults, asked
viewers to tell them why men have nipples, they were deluged with
answers, both scientific and light-hearted. Here's a sample of the
latter:
- Rumour has it that Adam came first and, therefore, had to be fully
loaded.
- So that men don't have to wear nipple rings in their knee caps.
- So that men don't get nipple envy.
- So that men have something to pick on when they are bored.
- So that they don't feel left out or inferior to women.
- So that they will know which way to put a sweater/shirt/pajama top on
and not waste so much time in the morning getting dressed.
- To help doctors out when they are checking a male patient's heart, so
that they know where to find it, which is near and slightly to the
right of the left nipple.
- I think that the nipples on men are where the end of the skin gets
tied into a knot so it doesn't fall off.
- The reason that men have nipples is that they are permanent hickies.
They are a decoration.
- The answer, of course, is: Just in case!
- To make men and women equal at the workplace, so there is no sex
discrimination. [yeah, right]
- So they do not look silly in a bathing suit.
- Because there are some intestines or organs attached to them on the
inside.
- Male nipples are actually "buttons". When pressed simultaneously they
release hormones which signal the brain to respond with romance,
flattery and sensitivity.
- So when we draw happy faces on our stomach, we don't have to draw the
eyes.
- Men's nipples are actually the property of the phone companies and
will soon be an integral part of the telecommunications superhighway.
- Because He has a sense of humour.
- So that they, too, can have wet t-shirt contests.
- They're nature's thermometers - they help men decide whether or not
to put on that extra sweatshirt when going fishing in October.
- The nipples protrude and line up in a perfect V with the navel,
which is inverted. This gives the body balance and prevents man from
falling flat on his face.
- It gives men something to talk about in change rooms.
and my personal favourite
- Because men are a faulty first prototype. The second version was new
and improved.
:: JET CITY ORANGE PROMO ::
I received the following note in mailbox one day and checked out the
site. I was impress, amusemed, grossed out, etc. I thought I would
share it all with you (the Stinky Meat project alone is more than worth
the price of admision which is free <g>).
The Jet City Orange Webzine
SEATTLE - Jet City Orange (www.jetcityorange.com) is a photo-centric
webzine featuring digital photographs, free Windows screen savers, and
random rants'n'raves. Updated weekly, Jet City Orange is a unique
source of non-productive content on the internet.
Founded in Nov 99, Jet City Orange prides itself on helping people
procrastinate, burn up bandwidth, and in general waste time. Jet City
Orange features no work-related material, original research, or income
enhancing potential. It's only raison d'etre is to have fun, preferably
at the expense of working.
It DOES feature the one-of-a-kind photographs of Jerry Whiting known as
"lens food". "I don't TAKE pictures, I FIND them." says Whiting,
founder of Jet City Orange. "There are just certain things that catch
my eye that I'm compelled to photograph. My day gig takes me around the
country on a regular basis, increasing the amount of lens food I
capture. Quite frankly, there's no end in sight."
Jet City Orange features over 50 free Windows screen savers with more
being added on the time. Recent additions to the collection include one
commemorating the Stinky Meat Project (www.stinkymeat.net), one based
on stamps issued by Jones Soda
(www.jetcityorange.com/JonesSodaStamps.html), and one based on NASA
images from the 2MASS project (www.jetcityorange.com/2MASS.exe). New
screen savers are being added all the time and a screen saver of the
week is featured on the front page.
Other sections of Jet City Orange include a weekly refrigerator magnet
message, irreverent social commentary, and misc. random rants'n'raves.
Everything on Jet City Orange is original material and doesn't
duplicate anything else found in the known universe.
Jet City Orange is located in Seattle WA and can be reached at
info@jetcityorange.com.
:: HUMOURSHITE ::
Received this in one of those multi-million forwarded email we all get.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their
hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however,
one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am
not an American." Then, asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a proud
Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed
now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if
your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be
then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an
American."
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate VD and want to send in cheap
ass stupid insults, type 'em up and send it to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: nothing
This issue is on vacation...
Next issue August 29/00 <-yes! a 3 issue month -woohoo!!! Deja vu
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Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
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Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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