ZAN The First School of Velcro

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Zhit Axis Nation

 · 5 years ago

  

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&GS#009                                                              & 
&               The First School of Velcro                           & 
&                       by                                           & 
&                   Guido Sanchez                                    & 
&                                                                    & 
&               Written: July 14, 1991                               & 
&                                                                    & 
& Greetz: Hacker and Glomer!!! Wish >I< was going to get the crap    & 
&         kicked out of me at Lopalooza!                             & 
&                                                                    & 
&         ZAN: More than a religion, because it's NOT!!!             & 
& Any suggestions or gripes? Leave me voice mail at 1-312-839-3196!  & 
&          "I'll be glad to hear your suggestions" <yeah, right!>    & 
&                                                                    & 
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This kooky phile is a list of classes available to those who wish to 
pursue a high-paying career in Velcro(tm). Enjoy!!!! 
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Classes offered by the Department o High Energy and Applied Velcronics 
 Fall 1991 
  
HEAVE-123:  Fundamentals of Velcro (tm) I 
The use of Velcro (tm): pressing together - pulling apart;  that gratifying "rippppp" sound;  things Velcro (tm) can't do;  things that 
Velcro (tm) can do but shouldn't;  things Velcro (tm) hasn't done yet. 
OPEN TO STUDENTS OF ALL DEPARTMENTS. 
  
HEAVE-124:  Fundamentals of Velcro (tm) II 
Loops and Hooks;  Inverse Square Velcro (tm) Law;  Poison Distribution 
Applied to Velcro (tm);  Intro. to DC Velcro (tm) Analysis Kirchoff's 
Velcro (tm) Laws;  Potential Energy and Velcro (tm). 
PREREQUISITE: HEAVE-123. 
  
HEAVE-223:  Velcro (tm) Analysis I 
DC Velcro (tm) Analysis;  Mesh and Node Velcro (tm) Solutions;  Reduction of Velcro (tm) Networks;  Thevinin and Norton Velcro (tm) 
equivalents; Intro. to AC Velcro (tm) Analysis;  Differential Velcro 
(tm) Equations; Complex Velcro (tm) Algebra. 
PREREQUISITE: HEAVE-124,  COREQUISITE: HEAVE-230. 
  
HEAVE-224:  Velcro (tm) Analysis II 
AC Velcro (tm) Analysis;  First-Order Velcro (tm) Networks; Series and 
Parallel Velcro (tm) Networks;  Sinor Velcro (tm) Solutions;  Phasor 
Velcro (tm) Solutions;  Second-Order Velcro (tm) Networks;  Velcro(tm) 
Resonance.  
PREREQUISITE: HEAVE-223,  COREQUISITE: HEAVE-231 
  
HEAVE-230:  Applied Velcronics Lab I 
Velcro (tm) As Applied to Polyester Leisure Suits;  Velcro (tm) and 
Spandex; Velcro (tm) and Facial Hair;  Velcro (tm) and Pubic Hair;  
Velcro (tm) Networks;  Velcro (tm) Hair Nets.  Special Guest Lecturer: 
Jimmy Walker. 
COREQUISITE: HEAVE-223. 
  
HEAVE-231:  Applied Velcronics Lab II 
More Velcro (tm) Networks;  Dynamic Velcro (tm) Applications; Velcro 
(tm) and Your Little Brother; Velcro (tm) and the Neighbor's Cat;  
Velcro (tm) and Your Pet Gerbil;  Field Project: Babysitting with 
Velcro (tm). 
COREQUISITE: HEAVE-224. 
  
HEAVE-323 Independant Study for Juniors 
Self-paced and independantly-oriented instruction on a topic in the 
field of Velcronics.  (ie, the Chairman is too lazy to think up 
curriculum for Juniors) 
  
HEAVE-423 Independant Study for Seniors 
Self-paced and independantly-oriented instruction on a topic in the 
field of Velcronics.  (ie, the Chairman is too lazy to think up 
curriculum for Seniors, too) 
  
HEAVE-523 History of Velcronics I - Ancient 
Velcro-Magnon Man;  Antediluvian Velcro (tm) Fossil Record;  Velcro 
(tm) and Atlantean Culture;  Velcro (tm) and Hindu Mythology - Is 
Velcro (tm) the ultimate symbol of Kali-Ma?;  Velcro (tm) and Greek 
Mythology - Was Velcro (tm) the envy of Aphrodite?;  Velcro (tm): 
Ancient Chinese Secret? 

HEAVE-524 History of Velcronics II - Roman and Renaissance Ages 
Velcro (tm) in the Time of Christ;  Velcro (tm) Disappears During the 
Dark Ages;  Nostradamus' Velcro (tm) Prophecies;  Napoleon Invents  
Velcro (tm) Nipple Warmers;  The Da Vinci Velcro (tm) Flying Machine 
and Dissection Technique. 
  
HEAVE-525 History of Velcronics III - Modern 
Nikola Tesla's Biphase Velcronic Motor;  Quantum Velcronics;  
Velcronic Relativity;  Some Wiseguy Patents Velcro (tm) Requiring 
Every Velcro (tm) Reference to Carry a Stupid (tm) Symbol;  Velcronic 
Cosmology: The Big Rip; Velcro (tm) Probability Theory -- Probability 
Adjustment and Alternate Universe Travel;  Velcro (tm) Drive -- 
Fastener to the Stars. 
  
HEAVE-623 Advanced Topics in Velcronics 
The Velcro (tm) Closure: Gateway to Utopia?  Velcro (tm) Mobius 
Strips; Velcro (tm) and the Fabric of Space-time;  Velcro (tm) 
Warfare;  The Ever-lasting Velcro (tm) Gobstopper;  Solid-State 
Velcronics;  High-Energy Velcronics: the Solution to the Energy 
Crisis? 
  
HEAVE-923 One-on-One Study for Females 
Singular instruction for females of all classes with the Chairman of 
HEAVE. Topics covered include Velcro (tm) Undergarments, Velcro (tm) 
vs. Button Fly -- Which is faster?, Velcro (tm) Prophylaxis, Velcro 
(tm) Chastity Belts, and Breakaway Velcro (tm) Wet Strapless 
Minidresses. 
NOTE: Admission subject to on-sight approval of instructor. 

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Hehe. Oh well, that's the file!! Anyone females out there wanna join 
me as the instructor of HEAVE-923?? hehe j'king! 
Peace and War, War and Peace (tm), 

                Guido "Velcro (tm) Master" Sanchez 
                    Minister of Philosophy 
                           ZA/\/ (tm) 

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