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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 22 May 9:00
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 22 vol. 2 May 9/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLES SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE
SHNIBBULAR SHITE - BY BRENDAN H.
CAN/AMERICAN RANT - FOOTNOTE - BY PAUL LAURENDEAU
CANADIAN GOV'T & SEX & DRUGS - FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM
JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM - BY BUNNIEE
HELLRAISER ARTSHITE
FACTSHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "May is National Masturbation Month" issue. Really. Check
out http://home.idiom.com/~linktank/private/news/masturbation.html if you
don't believe me. I even heard a local Toronto woman being interviewed on
CBC radio the other morning about a masturbate-a-thon they were holding
in Toronto on May 7th. It's true. You could get pledge sheets and then go
and have people pledge certain amounts for the amount of time you were
able to spend pleasuring yourself. Has life become one big episode of
Sienfeld or what? Anyways, I bet AFeXT would win the thon-a-thon...
or maybe Goatboy seeing as his sweety has gone for 4 weeks... Hell,
Brendan was into hearing Bunniee talk about masturbation - maybe I should
change the name of this rag to MB? <g> I guess you can just consider this
issue my big stroke-fest-contribution to masturbation month. Uh huh.
spurt spurt spurt.
This could also be the "boys really women over 35" issue... Read Brendan's
and Mitch's columns to see what I mean.
In other old news... It was Lob's, of Instagon fame, birthday yesterday.
You can send him birthday wishes at instagon@netcom.com - and you really
should send him some wishes cause he's one of the nicest guys on this
big blue ball... Hell, he'd probably like some really cool gifts as well.
Happy (belated) Birthday Lob!!! Oh, but you can't email him and ask his
age - he'll only tell that face to face...except he told me <g>
Anyways, on to what you, dear reader, have vomited into VD's inbox...
Mitch S. wrote in with a great little bit that was too good to not put
into a column by itself - read Bunniee Guns & Porn for a good laugh.
Mitch actually "gets it."
In the April 24, 12th edition of THE CAPTAIN'S NEWSLETTER (available via
subscription at kaptain80-subscribe@onelist.com), Mr. Kirk Kittell
<kaptain80@yahoo.com> did spake:
Well well well, i see that it's been quite a
while since I've dissed my superficial American
culture. Don't get me wrong, I love America,
you know, but we get bloated heads about how
American we are. Oh well, at least it's not
Canada, I guess (just kidding, I was just
checking to see if Neil ever read this stuff).
To which I responded:
> Every fuckin' word! And seeing as you exhibited a modicum of
> intelligence (very rare for a Yank) you are now in the very exclusive
>
> HONOURARY CANADIAN CLUB!!!
>
> A very secretive (just you and 2 other Yanks) and wholly subjective
> club that exists entirely in my mind. Congratulations. Of course there
> is a nominal annual fee of $45.00US funds payable immediately to me
> (just make the cheque out to "cash") and in return you get - Bragging
> Rights!!!!
>
> Woohoo!!!!
>
> hehehehe
>
> Enjoyed the issue. Two in one month is a good thing. Though it sounds
> like most Yanks sex lives :)
So there you go - Morbus and Bunniee now have company in their semi-
exclusive club (once Kirk's cheque clears that is) <g>
Trailer park philosopher Mike B. attempted thought with this drivel:
I must say, you have some fucked up contributors at
VD...
Thanks Mike! That's one of the best compliments we've ever received here
at VD Central.
all that anti-American spew is a classic example of
penis envy...
Penis envy of a culture that's been circumcised from the neck up? Nope.
As your note proves, backwards-assed-country-fuck-Yanks like you are just
easy, fun targets <g>
attack someone because you are secretly jealous...
Amazing what original thoughts a good ole US edumacation will put into
a chimpanzees mind...keep banging on that typewriter there Cheetah...
I mean, come on, what does a country like yours have
to offer besides hideous architecture and a bloated
socialist government ??
Oh I see it clearer now - your brother is your father and your sister is
your wife right? How's the trailer park doin'?
Can you say GST??
Sure ..I knew you could.
Can you say Shithead Mike? Sure ..I knew you could - cause you are one!
And who gives a shit about hockey..??? Who won the
Stanley Cup last year...eh?
Uh, a dumb-ass Yank team full of Canadian players? What's yer point
Beavis? Y'know Mike, you'll never make it into the Honourary Canadians
Club with your Bad-Boy attitude - get an enema to clear your mind and try
again...<g> Unlike Mitch, Mike doesn't "get it."
In a last hurrah kind of thingy, in response to Brendan's Shnibbular
Shite comments, AFeXT did scrawl:
Definition :
AFeXT:
n. Someone everyone appears to not like very
much.
v. To attempt to sound horrific but come off
sounding cheesy.
Ooo. Definitions interpreted from the works
of Brendan H.
I didn't get noun and verb mixed up, did I?
Afext
That's what I'm gonna miss about AFeXT - even when he's rippin' on
someone he's got the adorable little hint of insecurity shinning through.
Come back AFeXT - come back.... Er, that doesn't sound gay does it? <g>
Anyways, time to run this bad-boy through the trailer park to play
"count the rednecks"...
:: QUOTABLES SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE ::
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Peeps rule. After the bomb it will be just roaches and Peeps. And
twinkies."
"I can't bear to go to the children's zoo. I always wonder how their
parents can allow them to be kept in those little cages."
-George Carlin
:: SHNIBBULAR SHITE - BY BRENDAN H. ::
I'm back. Been back for thirty minutes. Need another holiday.
AAarrrrggghhhhh!
I've come to the conclusion that I'm the only one in our department who
isn't going home and having sex like rabid bunnies on heat that have been
subjected to massive doses of ground rhino horn and KY-Jelly. I found out
two co-workers wives' are pregnant. Another just got back from maternity
leave. And all I've got is fantasies of 35-year-old-women-phonesex-
domanatrixes (domanatrii?).
But Bunniee, about you being 35. I'm into the whole older woman thing
anyway. I'll stop now before the word Oedipus crawls out of the
primordial ooze of my mind and leaves slime trails all over my keyboard.
I identified 11 different exoskeleton based life forms in my little
flatlet this morning. (If you think that is disgusting and that I must
be some kind of freak, why don't you actually count the ants, fishmoths
etc. that cruise around your place. Hypocrite.) The scariest being a
cockroach the size and temperament of a large sewer rat. I tried to stomp
next to it to scare it out the door (I didn't want squashed 'roach in my
carpet) and it attacked my foot. No really. I'm hoping its gone when I
get back home. Or at least that it hasn't found its way into my bed. I'd
hate to think what a 'roach on PCP will do to my soft bits. (On second
thought. I don't think I will go home tonight.)
THE SHNIBBULAR ONE
:: BUNNIEE GUNS & PORN BY MITCH S. ::
Surprise, surprise, surprise...some of us think over 35 is truly sexual
prime time for women, Yes! unfortunately this opinion is most common in
men over 45...sorry 'bout that..Happy Birthday friends(?) of morbus, hope
ya'll have an age appropriate skullbustin' heavy metal bash with massive
overindulgence in controlled substances and merciful short term memory
loss...youth is so CUTE!, enjoy the new tatoos/piercings/STD testing...
s'far as guns go, (about 500 metres, reliably) just think of it as
"retroactive birth control" and it will begin to make a little bit of
sense..certainly an armed society is a polite society, NOT!, cause weuns
is all assholes sometimes and amplification of impulse aint sensible..on
the other hand...swords are COOL. How about if we all wore swords
everywhere? THEN you'ld see some politeness...s'far as porn is
concerned..WHY? Just don't get it...there aren't peep shows watching
people COOK, are there? Julia Childs, buttnekkid, whipping up a souffle
amandine, or lobster newburg, hey! that gets MY rocks off... just a few
thoughts for public access and ongoing dialogue..
mitch_shrader@hotmail.com ""@yahoo.com ""@mailcity.lycos.com
:: CAN/AMERICAN RANT - FOOTNOTE - BY PAUL LAURENDEAU ::
Mister editor,
Your american rant moved me immensely. I want to add a footnote to it.
If I may. I am French Canadian. My ancestors are rambling on this
continent since 1673.
AMERICAN RANT - FOOTNOTE
You wrote:
Quebec is as Canadian as you can get. Of course the only problem with
Quebec City is all those Ugly American tourists, hehe <g>. Man, I know
I'm gonna start getting mail because I'm picking on all you Americans out
there...but y'all are such easy targets, hehehe oops, did it again didn't
I?.... <g>
I add:
One of the main touristic features of Quebec City is its impressive
fortifications. When the Yank tourists arrive in Quebec City they all
scream: "Oh the French fortifications of Quebec City!". Stupid and
ignorant: these walls were built in 1775 (15 years after the French and
Indian War) by the British occupants who were afraid of... the American
Revolution. Conclusion: even unconsciously, Yanks stare in admiration
only at what they end up having been the exclusive cause of...
Real statistics:
Being given a blind map of the world, 65% of the Yanks are unable to show
you Vietnam on it... Ask them to show you the United States of America on
that same blind map, 10% of the Yanks (about 30 million people) will be
unable to show them.
Composition:
On the tune of Yankee Doodle, this song was composed by French Canadian
militants in the 70's. The english may not be fully colloquial but the
rhythm is real cool:
Yankee Go home
Oh Yankee go home, in your town
Go back, it's your duty
We're tired of seeing you here
destroying our country.
Yankee go home, disappear.
Yankee go home, get lost.
You're unable to see that something's on the move.
So get lost
The feather on your hat has been
Replaced by a scorpion
Your pony, she's still starving now,
But she became a dragon
Daddy's Farm was organized
For jets interception
Your way of life is way to crave
For further demolition...
CANADIAN RANT
As a good Quebeker I must include some ProCan Rant.
Real statistics:
10% of canadians (about 3 million people) are unable to show you Canada
on a blind map of the world. Exact same statistics as for the Yanks!...
but the country is bigger in size, so draw your fatal
arithmetical-geometrical conclusions!
Composition:
Canada being not a real country but a BritDominionShite (to use a local
expression), its national anthem is not a real national anthem. After a
hockey game singer by the name of Roger Doucette had introduced some
alterations to the english version of the national anthem, in an highly
futile attempt to make it minimally less moronic, it has been juridically
decided, in conclusion to a shitstorm of protestations coming from the
blockheads from the west, that any citizen of the Dominion of Canada
could sing his own version of the anthem since it is not official since
we are not a legal country. Got it?
So the French Canadian militants of the 70's did not miss that
opportunity either. On the tune of O CANADA, they wrote:
MY OWN O CANADA
O Canada
Inexistent country
Stay where you are
I stand in hell for thee
Exploitation and old'tyranny
Is what you screwed in me
What is freedom, what is liberty
In what I won't call a country
O Canada, your pyre is lit.
Cause you're a belly full of shit
Isn't it
Cause you're a bel-ly-full-a-shit
A-SHIT
And, as a matter of courses, our Yanks will miss all the fun here, since,
in their crass carelessness, they are unaware of the original tune and
lyrics...
A un de ces quatre,
Paul Laurendeau
:: CANADIAN GOV'T & SEX & DRUGS - FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM ::
Thanks to VD's favourite Texan Ms. Bunniee for finding this great little
article which once again shows how Canada is better than the US <g>
TORONTO (Reuters) - A government-funded AIDS-prevention pamphlet by the
Canadian AIDS Society has startled public health officials with wording
that appears to encourage intravenous drug use.
The pamphlet, entitled "My Choice. AIDS. Not In This Body," was produced
by the Canadian AIDS Society as part of a national awareness campaign. It
urges young people to practise safe sex and intravenous drug use.
"Just because we've made the choice that we don't want AIDS doesn't mean
the party's over. We can still fool around with sex and have a great
time. Still shoot up if that's what we're into," the pamphlet reads. "We
can reduce the chance of getting and spreading HIV by sticking to our
decisions and always using condoms and new rigs."
Rigs is street slang for drug use materials such as needles.
On another page, the pamphlet lists the injection of drugs, using new or
clean needles, as leaving the user at no risk of contracting AIDS,
comparing it to "crossing a street in a city with no cars."
Andrew Papadopoulos, executive director of the Association of Local
Public Health Agencies, said that while the pamphlets' intent is
obviously good, the wording was unfortunate.
"I can see where they're coming from (but)...looking at that one
paragraph, it takes you back," Papadopoulos said Friday. "You say 'should
we be advocating for that kind of thing?' Intravenous drug use should
really not be advocated.
"The message should have been stronger in not doing the activity at
all."
The brochure was jointly funded by the CAS and Health Canada.
:: JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM - BY BUNNIEE ::
Little Known Facts
1. Where babies come from - flying squirrels bring babies from the Planet
Zort and place them in strawberry patches, where they are harvested by
nursery workers dressed as beavers.
2. Dr pepper contains no prune juice.
3. Sometimes turtles can fly.
4. Playing the nose flute and tambourine is a great way to impress a
date, and will make you irresistibly sexy.
*moooOOOooo*
:: HELLRAISER ARTSHITE ::
I ripped this from the Zentertainment list
(http://www.ZENtertainment.com):
'HELLRAISER' ARTWORK SOUGHT BY BARKER
The DARKECHO newsletter reports Clive Barker is seeking all forms of
HELLRAISER artwork, with the best getting included on an upcoming DVD
release of the film. For details, e-mail darkdel@darkdel.com.
http://www.darkecho.com
:: FACTSHITE ::
I have no idea if these are true or not but they like something that was
appropriate for VD...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps blood round the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfish don't have brains.
Polar bears are left handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate VD and want to send in cheap
ass stupid insults, type 'em up and send it to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: KMFDM - Nihil
Helium - The Dirt of Luck
Instagon - Fin-stagon
Holst - The Planets
The best part of this issue is running down your mother's leg.
Next issue May 23/00
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Morbus wants this disclaimer shite here so A-P doesn't get pissed off.
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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