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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 18 Mar. 14:00
__ __
\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 18 vol. 2 Mar. 14/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE WABBIT
FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY KIMMAH
INSULTING MORBUS
DEFINITIONS BY AMY
SHNIBBLE SHITE BY BRENDAN H.
INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY - SUBMITTED BY ANGIE C.
EDUCATION SHITE - SUBMITTED BY MICHAEL S.
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "World-Class Programmah, Partially-Formed Transformah"
issue. Uh huh. What's this shite you ask (or don't but I'm gonna tell you
anyways cause it's my freakin' zine)? One Michael S., aka Bellowing Rap
Machine, sent us this URL of a site offering surfer their very own
"Wu-Tang" name? If you don't know who Wu-Tang is or what I'm talking
about you're a loser. Anyways, check out:
http://www.recordstore.com/cgi-bin/wuname/wuname.pl
and get your very own Wu-Tang name. After plunking Viewer Discretion into
the boxes here's what we got:
Viewer Discretion! your Wu-Name is:
World-Class Programmah
But even better was when I entered only v and d and got:
v d! your Wu-Name is:
Partially-Formed Transformah
Use it wisely, soldier.
Amen to that brother. A friend and I plugged in another *male* friend's
name and the Wu-Name that came was "Lesbian Pimp". Really. But what's
even stranger is that Wu-Name actually suits the guy to a tee...
Thanks for the site Bellowing Rap Machine.
VD is proud to unleash a new column for y'all - Shnibble Shite by Brendan
H. Brendan sent VD a few items that I thought were pretty funny so I
emailed him with the column offer to which he responded with:
From: Brendan H
Subject: Re: An offer I cannot refuse.
Neil
A forum from which I can unleash my particular brand of
sex/drug/alcohol/self abuse upon anybody who can use a web
browser (ie. any 3 year old)?
Even I know that's wrong. (and since starting at my new job,
the distinction between right and wrong has become about as
lucid as a drunken hobo on a Saturday night.)
Shame on you. <I will chew off my own kneecaps before I draw
an ASCII smiley so just substitute one here>
cheers
THE SHNIBBULAR ONE
ps. Say the subject line in your best possible The Godfather
voice (its still not funny that way, just slightly less
pathetic.)
So welcome aboard Brendan and we all look forward more such ramblings
from you in this, and future issues.
And speaking of contributors... Michael S. contributed the humourous
Education Shite column this issue. If anyone else out there wants to
submit items send them to v_d@iname.com and we'll make you famous. Sort
of. Or infamous. Whatever.
Regarding the "Results of Win a Date With Morbus Contest" piece last
issue, Amy A. had this to type:
Now, how am I supposed to get test subjects for my new
Italian-Thai-Tex-Mex formal catering menu when they keep
whining about their pathetic little lives and won't be
able to close their mouths long enough to chew? There
goes my cheap way to test the Northern market...
You never offered us any food - you gave us cheap-assed Ben Folds Five
poetry. If you offered food maybe we would have been a little more....
inviting, yeah that's it, inviting, but no, you offered pathetic word-
drool and besides even if you did offer food, Italian-Thai-Tex-Mex is so
last year...try Indian Curry Rhapsody (see below) - but we expect last
year's news from Ben Folds Five fans. <g>
Amy also went on to spew forth (guess she chews with her mouth open as
well):
PS-- My guess is that you're all Brickies up there
anyway and can't appreciate the finer things. :P
Well, I could say don't stick your tongue out at me unless you plan on
using it - but I won't <g> I will say though that I had no idea what the
hell a "brickie" was until Amy enlightened me. Check out Definitions By
Amy to enlighten yourself. What a cheap-assed way a getting a new column
into the issue eh?
Regarding last issues comments about not letting A-P into Canada if the
right wing types in the US erect a wall along the Can/US border Goatboy
had this to say:
Oh he's allowed in, but has to shave his nuts, eat
poutine and speak French first. Yeah. That's the
ticket. Where's my superman costume?
A-P's using your superman costume to wipe the shaving cream off his nuts
<g>.
So lets spray some Neet on these legs and see what falls off...
:: QUOTABLE ::
"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free."
-submitted by Michael S.
"Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't
Masturbate. "
-Americans for Purity
http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/2680/ <-real life morons!
"Parents have alerted us that small children can tear or bite off parts
of the stress cow."
-Gateway Computers
"Before the Web existed, it was very hard to explain what the Web was."
-Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web
"Working here is okay, too bad I have fat-boy that comes once a week and
nibbles on my nuts."
-Goatboy
"Don't be a job-slut"
-Angie C.
:: QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. ::
Yes, once again, more quotes from the Quotemiester himself, Mr Miller.
If you want to receive his quotes directly then send a note to:
amiller@teleport.com and tell him VD sent ya.
**Politics**
"Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder."
-George Washington (1732-1799)
"Einstein's theory of relativity, as practised by Congressmen, simply
means getting members of your family on the payroll."
-James H. Boren
"Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?"
-Art Buchwald
"I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll double cross that bridge
when he comes to it.'"
-Oscar Levant
**Nosey**
"My own business bores me to death. I prefer other people's."
-Oscar Wilde
**Children**
"Children have more need of models than of critics."
-Joseph Joubert (1754-18240 Pensees, no. 261
"The child is father of the man."
-William Wordsworth (1770-1850)
"Respect the child. Be not too much his parent. Trespass not on his
solitude."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
"A child tells in the street what its father and mother say at home."
-The Talmud
**Bricks that hang in the sky**
"The [space] ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks
don't."
-Douglas Adams
**Television**
"The first TV babies are now writing with a TV mind that has no attention
span at all."
-Gore Vidal
"The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million
people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely."
-T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
"Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well
done."
-Ernie Kovacs
"Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow."
-Homer Simpson
**Writing**
"I'm a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my
brain."
-Ben Hecht
:: FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE WABBIT ::
VIENNA (Reuters) - Stark naked Austrians braved chilly temperatures
Monday to take up a clothing chain's offer of $385 in free outfits if
they entered the store in the nude.
Kleider Bauer said it would reward the first five strippers of the week
at each of its 40 department stores as long as they streaked from the
street as far as the checkout counter.
In a nation not averse to baring all in public, dozens of naked shoppers
huddled outside the store on Vienna's main shopping street -- the
Mariahilfer -- waiting for the doors to open.
"I'm doing it for the sheer hell of it, not the money," a male stripper
said. "People should be more open and not such prudes."
Shoppers beaten out of the first five in the streak received a
consolation prize of $35 and a towel to cover up. The promotion offer
lasts until March 18.
:: FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY KIMMAH ::
SAVANNAH, GA.- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading
minister warns.
"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened
yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and
corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an
upcoming book, "The Devil In The Machine."
Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a
human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard
drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.
"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil
spirit," the minister confirmed.
The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from
counselling churchgoers.
"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a
dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent happily
married men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and
forced to witness unspeakable abominations."
Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering
Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language
they would never use normally."
"One woman wept as she confessed to me, `I feel when I'm on the computer
as if someone else or something else just takes over.`"
The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto the
parishioner's computer himself. To his surprise, an
artificial-intelligence
program fired up-- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking
directly to me, openly mocking me, `Preacher, you are a weakling and your
God is a damn liar.`"
Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like
gobbledygook.
"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister
said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a
2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"
Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and
uncovered alarming facts.
"I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the
tragedy at Colombine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that
computer demons exerted an influence on them."
The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some
type of evil spirit.
Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you
consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it
in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and
reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently.
#This article leaves me with the burning question of just how much disk
#space does an evil spirit occupy? Can you imagine taking your computer
#in for servicing stating "demon residing on my hard drive as the
#reason"? Though that might explain some of the Ben Folds Five
#shite...<g> -Ed.
:: INSULTING MORBUS ::
OK, here we go kiddies... Answering Morbus' invite to insult the living
shite out him, VD's newest columnist Brendan H. leads off with these fine
insults for Mr. Morbus...
Although I don't know much about the socially retarded,
arse-fungal-welt of a drooling imbecile I formally invite
him to pick one of the following insults -
1) May your mothers' clitorus turn into a penis.
2) You are a load that should have been swallowed.
3) The best part of you dribbled down your mothers leg.
4)You are a waste of a teaspoonful of good protein.
(Now that I think I've taken this one step too far, I
think I'll go rock myself to sleep in some abandoned
corner somewhere.)
cheers,
THE SHNIBBULAR ONE.
Hmmm...shnibbular...that still cracks me up...But giving the guy a choice
and having him pick his own insult, well, that seems strange dude. Kind
of like a self-serve self-abuse salad-bar. Weird. I guess the biggest
insult for Morbus would be that this was the only submission. Uh dude, I
think you have fallen from grace. Looks like the readership wouldn't even
cross the road to pee on you to put you out if you were on fire. Oh well.
I'll still pee on you if you catch on fire. Goatboy probably would too.
A-P would once you signed a waiver - a pee-waiver <g>
:: DEFINITIONS BY AMY ::
Today's word to be defined by Amy is:
Brickies
A "Brickie" is somebody who has just has only heard "Brick" by Ben Folds
Five (the only song that really received decent air time, but totally
irrepresentative of the music of the group).
::SHNIBBLE SHITE BY BRENDAN H.::
I thought I'd clutter up your mailbox with a tale of workday blues.
We ran out of urinal cakes today. Now the only pleasurable thing about my
whole job (chasing urinal cakes around the urinals with a high pressure
jet of urine) is gone until the janitors decide to replace them (about 3
weeks time).
I'm depressed and bored.
thanks for listening (or not).
cheers
SHNIBBLE
:: INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY - SUBMITTED BY ANGIE C. ::
Seeing as Amy A. brought up the subject of food I thought I would add
this food related item from Angie. It's sung to the tune of Bohemian
Rhapsody...
Indian Curry Rhapsody
---------------------
Naan, just killed a man
Pappadom against his head
Had Lime Pickle Now He's Dead
Naan, Dinner's Just Begun
But Now I'm Gonna Crap it All Away
Nann, ohhhh ohhhhhh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen Nothing Yet Just See the Loo Tomorrow
Curry On, Curry On
Cause Nothing Really Madras
Too Late, My Dinner's Gone
Sends Shivers Down my Spine
Rectum Aching All the Time
Goodbye Onion Bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta Leave You All Behind And Use the Loo
Nann, Ohhhhh Ohhhhh
The Doopiaza is so Mild
I Sometimes Wish We'd Never Come Here at All
Guitar Solo
I See a Little Chicken Tikka on the Side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, Pass the Chutney Made of Mango
Vindaloo Does Nicely
Very Very Spicy
Meat
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a Nann
(A Vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've Eaten Balti, Somebody Help me
He's Eaten Balti, Get Him to the Lavatory
Stand you Well Back
Cause the Loo is Quarantined...
Here it Comes
There it Goes
Technicolour Yawn
I Chunder
NO!
It's Coming up Again
(There he Goes)
I ChundIts Coming back Again (There he Goes)
Coming Back Again (Up Again)
Here it Goes Again
(No, No, No, No, No, No NO)
On my Knees I'm on my Knees
On his Knees, Oh, There he Goes
This Vindaloo
It's About to Wreck my Guts
Poor Me.... Poor Me..... Poor Meeee....
Guitar Solo
So you Think you can Chunder and Feel Alright?
So you try to eat Curry and Drink Beer all Night?
Oh Maybe, But now you Puke Like a Baby
Just had to Come out
It Just had to Come Right out in Here
:: EDUCATION SHITE - SUBMITTED BY MICHAEL S. ::
Here's something a friend of mine sent me, apparently the winners of a
"worst analogies in a high-school essay" contest:
"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it."
"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door
open again."
"McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup."
"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
'Jeopardy' comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."
"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."
"Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre."
"Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets
T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake."
"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."
"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease."
"Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like 'Second Tall
Man.'"
"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."
"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on
a Dr Pepper can."
"They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth."
"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met."
"The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."
"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free."
"The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon."
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate Morbus and want to send in cheap
ass stolen poetry, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: Frank Zappa - Overnite Sensation
Run Lola Run - Soundtrack
Download - Charlie's Family
Dead Voices On Air - How Hollow Hart
This issue is late cause I was at the garage all morning spending $700.00
on my freakin' car. Add that to the $95.00 speeding ticket I got last
week...
Next issue March 28/00
__ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
Morbus made me put this here - he threatened me with friendship.
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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