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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 19 Mar. 28:00
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 19 vol. 2 Mar. 28/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE: THE WISDOM OF YOGI BERRA - SUBMITTED BY MICHAEL S.
INSTAGON (SET LIST) 3-17-2000 NEWPORT BEACH, CA - SUBMITTED BY LOB
NEGATIVLAND TRUE/FALSE 2000 TOUR - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST
AFeXTTeXT BY AFeXT
FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE WABBIT
DEFINITIONS BY AMY
SHNIBBLE SHITE BY BRENDAN H.
TOM GREEN'S NUTS
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "I got my genitals out of a crackerjacks box" issue.
Really. That's the kind of quote I can only wish that I said first. But
alas, I didn't. Too bad. But I have, in typical VD fashion, resorted to
ripping it off and sharing it with y'all because I care so damn much
about you guys. Uh huh. You can read on to find out the what the actual
quote is ripped from though.
I saw a news story about a bus terminal employee who, when asked by a
customer to buy a ticket to Ottawa, Canada - the capital fucking city of
Canada, well the dumbass employee couldn't find or figure out where
it was. She even admitted to having never heard of Canada. So dumbass'
supervisor gets his own little sound-bite news explaining how geography
isn't really taught in schools in Houston! Really, I'm not making this
up. Dumbass and dumberass. So the customer ended up on a bus going to
Ottawa, Kansas and a 40 hour trip ended up taking 3 days. Now I can
understand an average Yank (all the Yanks I know are above average) not
knowing where the fuck Canada is but an employee of a major national bus
company?!?!? Please, that's just plain stupidity. Blame Canada eh? I
don't think so. Blame southern inbreeding.
Hmmm...that last paragraph should be good for a dozen or so unsubscribes.
Shall we jump right into the reader's mail? (Cheap assed way of me not
having to think).
VD's favourite antagonist Amy A. had this to spew forth:
So, if I had offered food, it would've made a difference? Now
you're starting to sound like a member of a group of groaks that
hang around my table at lunch.
Everything makes a difference Amy. Of course it still wouldn't have
excused that Ben Bends Over shite but it would have made a difference
non the less <g>. Amy was kind of enough to define "groaks" for us and
as usual I scammed it into the Definitions column cause I'm a lazy-assed
editor type like that. You too can find out what "groaks" means further
down in this issue.
And Brendan-the-Shnibble-King had this to say:
Greetings and Salutations Neil,
I showed my boss the demon article and he says that's still no
excuse for the quality of code on my hard drive.(Other comments
include, "Well lets hope if it is a demon it can program better
than you.")
Just my luck to have a Non-Believer for a boss.
Also, what manner of man doesn't respond to an INVITATION to
insult someone?
Isn't the TV generation incapable of working up a decent head of
off-brown colored steam?
I weep for our generation, and with joy (the urinal cakes arrived
yesterday (it took 2 weeks, just like I predicted))
THE SHNIBBULAR ONE
And you can read more about *why* Brendan likes to push urinal cakes
around the urinal in this weeks instalment of Shnibble Shite.
On Bunnies's "Bunniee List Ov Doom", Bunniee had this to say about the
anti-masturbation page listed in last issue:
I swiped this URL from the Viewer Discretion mailing list:
http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/2680/
"If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and
carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the
women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate."
Produce? cured meats? And here I've been using my hands to
masturbate all these years.
"...God did not give us genitals for entertainment."
Who's God? I got my genitals out of a crackerjacks box. I really
wanted a whistle.
Bwahahahahaha, man that last line still cracks me up. I think I'll
steal it.
In other news, thanks to all the new readers, and continuing readers out
there and to Morbus (of disobey fame) as VD's subscriber base continues
to grow since the switch over to Disobey as our publisher. I highly
recommend other zines owners to contact Morbus if you want aligned
yourselves with disobey.com and reap the benefits of tens of thousands
of page hits every week.
Anyways, let's rip open this box of Cracker Jacks and see if we can find
some genitals...
:: QUOTABLES: THE WISDOM OF YOGI BERRA - SUBMITTED BY MICHAEL S. ::
"This is like deja vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to
eat six."
"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in
left field at the stadium.
"I made a wrong mistake."
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't
come to yours."
"I didn't really say everything I said."
:: INSTAGON (SET LIST) 3-17-2000 NEWPORT BEACH, CA - SUBMITTED BY LOB ::
Below is the set list that Instagon played on their March 17th gig a
couple weeks ago. Why do I include it in VD you ask? Well, because Lob
being one of the coolest guys on the planet, played a bit he titled
"Tribal Metal For Connor" - you see March 17th was my son Connor's 7th
birthday and I mentioned it to Lob when I heard Instagon was playing that
night. I asked him to play a tune for Connor and he did. Thanks Lob -
you rock! Connor liked the idea that a band half way across the continent
in another country was playing a "birthday" tune for him.
Instagon 3-17-2000
A.A.A. Electra 99 Art Gallery & Museum
Newport Beach, CA
1: Invokation>My Little Red Planet, Orgone Collector, Joyride,
Another One Bites The Dust, Forward*, Solid Sam,
Tribal Metal For Connor, One Of These Days, Barney Miller**
* w/ 1st time vocals by Lob
** theme from late 1970's TV show, 1st time played
Instagon was:
LOB - bass, vocals*
CARY "Dingo" PEALER - percussion
ROBERT FISHER - guitar
MIKE WIENTRAUB - drums
DENNIS LANSING - guitar
FRANK FRIETAS - scattered vocals
also there were performances by FRAUD, ERIN ?, NATALIE GIACONE w/John
Martinez, SOFA KING, & THE CLAMS
thanks for Sofa King for inviting us, and to Richard @ AAA E 99 for
hosting such a wonderfully odd venue..
:: NEGATIVLAND TRUE/FALSE 2000 TOUR - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST ::
And speaking of Lob/Instagon, I received this on the Instagon list and
seeing as Negativland is an incredible group, I thought I would pass it
on to y'all.
http://www.negativland.com/
On the eve of Negativland's 20th anniversary as a group, they embark upon
their first national live tour in seven years.....
For up to date tour info, interviews, press, true or false rumors, etc.,
contact Negativland's trusty tour manager, Paul McGoonis, care of his
assistant, Will Linn at will@blasthaus.com
Tour dates and radio spot links are at the end of this announcement.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE-
NEGATIVLAND TRUE/FALSE 2000 TOUR
http://www.negativland.com/tour
Negativland is about to call it quits. One member is now in federal
prison for hacking into classified DieCorp think tank documents. Another
has become a Native American casino consultant in the Southwest and wants
nothing more to do with "low paying alternative music." The band's
drummer recently gave up sticks and skins for a more lucrative life of
insider day trading. The Weatherman now installs customer satisfaction
monitoring equipment full-time for Global Cable, Inc. and has no further
desire to "create" anything. Crosley Bendix, the group's long-time senior
mentor and cultural advisor, has left the United States for good to spend
his twilight years at a mechanical drawing table interpreting crop circle
formations for MI5 in England. His final words on these shores were,
"music is basically dead. I'm not going to waste any more time on it." It
looks like the slow, agonizing demise of Negativland has finally reached
fruition after so many years of trying.
TRUE or FALSE?
Well, like everything else you have to read these days, it's difficult to
tell. There may be some grains of truth in the above "information," but
where exactly are those grains located? (Answer available only from
Negativland's currently-out-of-business address.) The only truth you can
be sure of is that nothing characterizes our over-informationalized
society more than our collective inability to personally verify anything.
And the spinning just keeps spinning faster.
As so called "culture jammers", the group known as Negativland has for
many years held a mirror up to the media world, broken it, and shuffled
the pieces back into very different shapes. So it is fitting that,
perhaps for the last time (believe it or not), Negativland now returns to
the highways of America with a live performance about modern info-life
and its many confusions.
Negativland's 20th Anniversary TRUE/FALSE tour (and first nationwide tour
in seven years) celebrates the group's first two decades of musical
observations and sticky lawsuits with a millennial concert lasting over
two and a half hours, including a great deal of never-before-heard
material, as well as a few reworked "tunes" from their twenty years of
recordings. Rounding out this over-stimulating evening of entertainment
is an elaborately collaged brew of film, video and slides, an actual
puppet show appropriate for all ages, and the first national appearance
of long-time Negativland collaborator, Pastor Dick.
Expect to remain seated for maximum absorption during this long, densely-
packed performance, designed to help you to discern TRUE from FALSE.
NEGATIVLAND TRUE/FALSE TOUR DATES
Fri. Apr 07 '00 --- Lincoln, Nebraska --- Royal Grove
Sat. Apr 08 '00 --- Minneapolis --- First Avenue
Mon. Apr 10 '00 --- Middleton, WI --- The Annex
Tue. Apr 11 '00 --- Chicago --- House Of Blues
Wed. Apr 12 '00 ----Evanston --- "O.T.E. Mobile", WNUR FM
(tentative)
Thu. Apr 13 '00 ----Pontiac --- Clutch Cargo
Fri. Apr 14 '00 --- Toronto --- Opera House
Sat. Apr 15 '00 --- Cleveland --- Agora
Sun. Apr 16 '00 --- Pittsburgh --- Club Laga
Tue. Apr 18 '00 --- Philadelphia --- TBA
This next part of the tour dates is not 100% solid yet, but will be
starting on the 3rd of May.
Wed. May 03 '00 --- NYC --- Irving Plaza
Thu. May 04 '00 --- Washington DC --- 9:30 Club
Fri. May 05 '00 --- Poughkeepsie, NY --- Bard College
Sat. May 06 '00 --- Boston --- Copley Theater
Mon. May 08 '00 --- Chapel Hill, NC --- Carrboro Arts Center
May '00 --- Columbia SC --- TBA
Wed. May 10 '00 --- Atlanta --- Variety
Fri. May 12 '00 --- Tampa --- Club More
May '00 --- Pensacola --- Sluggos
Sun. May 14 '00 --- New Orleans --- Howlin' Wolf
Mon. May 15 '00 --- Houston --- TBA
Tue. May 16 '00 --- Austin --- Stubb's BBQ
May '00 --- Dallas --- TBA
May '00 --- Tulsa --- TBA
Sat. May 20 '00 --- Denver --- Bluebird
May '00 --- New Mexico --- TBA
May '00 --- Tucson --- TBA
May '00 --- San Diego --- TBA
Thu. May 25 '00 --- Los Angeles --- El Rey
Sat. May 27 '00 --- San Francisco --- Palace of Fine Arts
May '00 --- Palo Alto --- TBA
Also at http://www.negativland.com/tour/index.html:
TRUE/FALSE TOUR PHOTOS
Hi-rez TRUE/FALSE Tour Photo - Color
Hi-rez TRUE/FALSE Tour Photo - B&W
TRUE/FALSE RADIO SPOTS
These radio ads are for both radio types and fans alike. They are mp3s
encoded at the highest quality (320 kbps), and a lower quality for those
who connect to the net with 2 tin cans and a taught string (or a 28.8
modem). There are 10-15 seconds of a background sound bed at the end so
the venue and time can be announced with out all that noise.
Hold down your option (Mac users) or your alt (PC users) button down
while clicking the link if the file isn't downloading.
Highest Quality
60 second ads - (2.3Mb)
1. Insult
2. Electric Mud
3. Stealing
4. Wrong Place, Wrong Time
Highest Quality
30 second ads - (1.1Mb)
1. Day In Day Out
2. I'd Rather Be Dead
Slightly Lower Quality
60 second ads - (1.1Mb)
1. Insult
2. Electric Mud
3. Stealing
4. Wrong Place, Wrong Time
Slightly Lower Quality
30 second ads - (0.5Mb)
1. Day In Day Out
2. I'd Rather Be Dead
:: AFeXTTeXT BY AFeXT ::
Here, I want my own column again, damnit. So I'm gonna start writing
right... Now. Alright, excuse spelling errors fore I have yet to install
my shitty warez copy Office 2000 Professional all over again, which is
because I formatted my computer. I could have avoided my formatting
problem easily but I was stupid.
The Sims wouldn't run, and I wanted to kill some Sims sadistically. I
just installed the new leaked Nvidia Detonator 5.08 drivers that are
supposed to be amazing. The game would freeze here or there and die. So,
I uninstalled it, and reinstalled it. Froze. Uninstall reinstall. Froze.
Alright, I wanted to format anyway.
I backup, delete, reinstall Windows. Reinstall the leaked nvidia drivers.
My network is broken. It always breaks. I'm up till 5am trying to fix it.
I've got school in an hour. Should just stay awake. I go to sleep. Wake
up, mum screeams that she cant get her email. I stay up for the next 6
hours trying to fix the network until I say "fuck it" and format the
other computer. It works.
2 days later. The Sims still freezes. I say "hmm. video card?" and
reinstall the 3.x drivers, and I get to kill some sims. Whee.
That's a day in my life for you.
Me and my girlfriend of a year and a little over two months broke up
three weeks ago. You never realize exactly how much you need something
until you lose it for a couple of weeks. I crawled back to a
ex-girlfriend of multiple times with a vow to make sure we're not
hateful, evil, sadistic, and mean to each other constantly. Morbus. Hah!
No. A canadian chick who I honestly believe is my soul-mate simply
because, well, life is weird like that. Trust me, I'm not just a stupid
blubbering teenager who is in love. I wouldn't say stupid things like
"I've found my soulmate" unless I seriously meant it. I love her, really,
I do.
I didn't install my earthlink mail account until just now, which explains
the 89 emails I just got into my Inbox. 69 of which are Porn spam (heh
heh. well, most of it.)... Quite seriously. What a coincidence.
I'm failing four of my classes. Getting D's in the other two. I guess I
shouldn't have skipped about a month of school right at the start of the
semester, eh? I don't know how I'm going to bring my grades up. Three
months of school left and I can do is homework and, uh, well, actual
work. So, I don't know. Something odd about the fact that I suddenly
feel this strong urge to actually do something next year. Man, school
sucks.
I haven't updated EB in about two weeks. I suppose I should. I've been
sick for about a month now. I did a walkout at my school (spot me in the
pictures under Whittier at http://www.SchoolsNotJails.com, I'm the geeky
wet kid. You'll know who I am) in the pouring rain, walked about 4 miles.
Just about died. I'm still sick.
My ex-girlfriend now insist on telling me about her new boyfriend. This
guy is a classic. He has a son, he's 20. He was engaged to the mother but
suddenly broke up two months ago because he suddenly decided to be a God
Loving Brainwashed Christian Shit. He told his fiance(sp) this and she
supposedly threatened to take "his" son and run away and make "his" son a
devout Atheist.
Gee. I wonder *exactly* what happened in that situation. She lives in
Clearwater Florida, so I suspect he's an undercover Scientologist and
killed his fiance, and now he's going after my ex-girlfriend because she
works in a Christian Family Bookstore. He's first going to rape her, stab
her 5 times in the stomach, 2 times in the chest, slash up her legs and
arms for good measure, and then beat her face in with a wrench. Driving
off to leave her corpse in a ditch by the side of the road on a rainy
night. Maybe he'll claw out her eyes with his fingernails as he climaxes,
during the wonderful rape of course. Perhaps then he'll cut off her
fingers with rusty pruning shears and then stick them... well.... Uh...
Whoa.
Where am I?
Afext
http://www.electricbiscuit.com
:: FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE WABBIT ::
::SHNIBBLE SHITE BY BRENDAN H.::
"How can urinal cakes be the highlight of anybodies day?", I hear
you ask (even if you're not, the voices in my head are)
Let me give you an example of an average-not-so-low lowlight of my
day.
I work in a IT department. A woman, we'll call her Jean ('coz that's
her name) is a secretary.
She needs to print 65 copies of an 18 page letter to another
secretaries printer (across the building) and she has to leave for her
holiday at 12:30 (its 12:20).
I set it up.
(Here's the part where I lose it like a highschool girl loses her
virginity at her first house party.)
She moves the cursor to the last page of her letter. "Print". "Current
Page". Phone other secretary. "When page 18 is finished, WALK to my
office, move the cursor to the previous page and "Print Current" again."
I finally get the idiocy of her plan. Secretary no. 2 now has to run the
length of our building 36 times.
To move a cursor and click 1 button.
I protest and explain the "Print Pages option".
It's futile.
She gets snotty, tells me she knows what she's doing and walks away
indignantly.
THATS MY STORY. (If you don't get what I'm going on about, keep in mind,
we're in a pretty big building.)
A word of advice to kiddies out there who think - "Cool, I want to grow
up and get a job with computers".
DONT.
Listen to your uncle Shnibble and become a plumber or something.
(sewerage is easier and more pleasant to deal with than users - Trust
me.)
And if you don't take my advice, in 15 years when its you pushing urinal
cakes around with an idiot grin, you'll wish you had had a little more
time for an old fart...
THE SHNIBBULAR ONE
:: DEFINITIONS BY AMY ::
Today's word to be defined by Amy is:
Groak
A "groak" is somebody who stands around waiting for food- i.e. a
freeloader.
:: TOM GREEN'S NUTS ::
I stole this from Zentertainment.
TOM GREEN DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER
Comedian Tom Green has announced that he has been diagnosed with
testicular cancer, and has already begun treatment to get rid of the
disease. Green, who reportedly has been in talks with the WB about a
primetime series, is not expected to take a break from his eponymous MTV
series during treatment, and will even tape an hour-long educational
comedy special for MTV about cancer. Any donations for Green should be
sent in the name of TOM GREEN'S NUTS CANCER FUND to the California
Community Fund, 445 S. Figueroa St., Suite 3400, Los Angeles, CA., 90071.
http://www.tomgreen.com
http://mtv.com
-Hmmm...anyone out there follow Tom Green? He's nuts <g>
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate Morbus and want to send in cheap
ass stolen poetry, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: Van Halen - 1st album
Bruce Springsteen - Ghost of Tom Joad
Robin Ford - Thin Blue Line
Weather Report - Heavy Weather
This issue was written on a urinal cake.
Next issue April 11/00
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Morbus put made this here me huh uh.
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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