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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 3 Aug. 31:99
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 3 vol. 2 Aug. 31/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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T h e r e a r e 1 2 2 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . .
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
THRU THE FILM GATE - BY ANTI-PRESS
SHUT UP & GIMME YER QUOTES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW MILLER
SON OF SHUT UP & GIMME YER QUOTES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW MILLER
RETURN OF THE SON OF SHUT UP & GIMME YER QUOTES - SUBMITTED BY
ANDREW MILLER
FLYING BIRDSHITE
BLAIRSHITE
MUSIC? WHAT MUSIC?
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "tawdry" issue. Uh huh. Andrew Miller said so. So go ask
him what the hell he's talking about. He also had this bit (pun
intended) of humour for the computer programmers in the audience:
100110101010110101101010011111101010101101110110101011010011101
01110101 00101 100 110101010110101 100110101010110101 00110101010110
101 100110101010110101100110101010110101 10011010101011010101010
101010110101 100110101010110101 100110101010110101 100110101010110101
100110101010110101 1001101010101 10101 100110101010110101 10011
0101010110101 100110101010110101 100110101010110101 100110101010110101
100110101010110101 100110101010110101
Gawddamn that was funny...
Anti-Press just released A-P#9 and it's a damn good read for those of
you in the audience with more than a handful of brain cells. A-P can
be reached at Antipress1@aol.com or on that web thingy at:
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/anti-press.shtml
In mail from last issue AFeXT had this to say:
> you sexist bastard
Bitch.
> you're gonna go to hell (if you don't point people go
> http://www.blairwoods.com because it kicks ass, and it was
> $30,000-$40,000, not $60,000... Just ask Dan Myrick, he knows
> everything...)
>
> He likes my site too... so you should bow down.
And you should keep your homosexual fantasies to yourself there pigmy-
pony boy.
> and stop that!
I bet you say that to all the boys...
OK. I put your little piece of self promotion into VD. Now I expect you
to at least link VD's last issue (and this one as it has a BW review as
well) to your Review section on blairwoods, which BTW people is a good
site - check it out. But if he doesn't link VD to his site now I'll
forward his email address to the list and we can all subscribe his ass
to the Britney Spears mailing list and fan club about a thousand
times... <g>
Speaking of Britney...Goatboy's last issue of Capital of Nasty - get it
at www.capnasty.com - always a thoroughly enjoyable read, gave their
Golden Testicle award to this site:
http://www.wrxl.com/comedy/hpsn/britney/index.html - Go there & check
it out. It made me laugh...but I'm immature. But then again just try
and picture life with Golden Testicles?!?!
In other mail from last issue, Ben Popken (bpopken@yahoo.com) had this
to say about Andy's Blair Witch review:
> It was a good article but it got some facts wrong and some stuff
> should be clarified.
>
>> This amazing, small independent film, which had a budget of $60,000,
>
> the budget was actually only $30,000. source: Time magazine, august
> 16.
I don't doubt that is what Time said but to be honest, I've heard so
many different figures bounced around now as the "true" cost (just look
back a couple of paragraphs) that I'm hesitant to believe any of them.
Lets just agree that it was super cheap by any standards of film
making.
>> bodies were found tied together in a circle, kids were grabbed by
>> hands rising out of the water and so on.
>
> Uhm, i may be wrong, but i don't recall this being in the movie.
Oh yeah, these were definitely in the movie. When the towns people were
relating stories, and when Heather was talking about the men's bodies
tied together in a semi circle arch at Coffin Rock by the river. That
part really stuck in my mind - the mental image it created was
reminiscent of what first reading Clive Barker's Books of Blood created
in my mind.
>> [from what I hear, the producers told the three young people to go
>> into the woods to film stuff and improv]
>
> Thats basically the gist of it. the actors were given a GPS with
> points marked into. they had to go to the different points, there
> would be stuff there for them to react to and then when they
> finished, there was a milk carton with supplies and notes from the
> directors to the actors telling the actors what they should be doing
> with their characters. then the actors would leave behind the tapes
> and the reels of footage in the milk cart for the directors to pick
> up and review.
Thanks for all the info. I had heard about the improve idea but didn't
know the details of it all. Pretty neat way of doing things. I wonder
if the "rocks sounds" were added after or if the directors really made
those sounds to fuck up the actors?
And that's about all you had to say...except Angie threatened to bark
at us over the cat serial killer thing but didn't. Maybe she was
worried that we'd come after her cat?!?! Either that or the cat had her
tongue....<snicker>
Read 'em an' weep baby.
:: THRU THE FILM GATE - BY ANTI-PRESS ::
The Blair Witch Project, AKA The Embrace of Morpheus
(C) Copyright 1999 Anti-Press
"In October of 1994 three student filmmakers disappeared in the woods
near Burkittsville, Maryland, while shooting a documentary.
A year later their footage was found..."
That's nice. We've got our own freakin' problems.
And one major problem is Tinsel Town hyping a second-rate movie into a
"Major Event". To us events are spontaneous, they aren't created.
TBWP is the biggest pseudo-event we've seen in a long time.
We're so "impressed" by TBWP that this is a second review we're
writing. The first one focused on the hype; this one deals more with
what we didn't like in this alleged "scariest movie of the year!".
Generally we hate mainstream Hollywood movies, especially the horror
films that depend less on clever scripts and more on new ways to gross
out an audience. No, we're not squeamish; we don't mind gore IF
there's more to the movie than splatter shots.
TBWP was described as a psychological thriller, a low-budget
independent production that depended on atmosphere and a sense of
menace instead of gross-out SFX. Hey, we're all for that. See our
review of the New Zealand movie, "Jack Be Nimble".
So we did approach this with an open mind, trying to ignore the hype,
not expecting a typical Hollywood teen slasher flick. Jeezum Crow,
were we disappointed. We'll give TBWP credit-- it wasn't typical.
Trouble is, it wasn't good, either.
The movie starts off OK, the three students in this "mockumentary"
doing a little research about the Blair Witch, interviewing the locals,
especially a real weirdie named Mary Brown. The mockumentary moves
along at its own pace, taking its time like most documentaries. Slow
pacing doesn't bother us. What has to carry a movie like this is the
story and especially the characters.
But after the film shifts into the woods, the students searching for
evidence of the Blair Witch and getting lost, the film also loses its
way. It tries to create tension with herky-jerky shots and the young
filmmakers bickering among themselves. The movie proceeds to depict the
steady mental disintegration of the students, their desperation growing
as they can't find egress from the woods, supernatural sounds and weird
artefacts spooking them.
This would be interesting if we cared about the characters but TWBP
ain't a John Sayles movie. Character development is too lean. And
from what little we learn about the three leads, the most obvious trait
they have in common is stupidity. With all the hi-tech equipment they
pack, no one thought of a global positioning device? It's inferred
that supernatural forces are toying with them but that angle is never
pursued. Instead of being ensnared by the Unknown, the students seem
to be trapped by their low IQs and immaturity. So why sympathize with
idiots who walk agape into the gaping mouth of hell?
Reports have been appearing in the press that the unsteadycam footage
causes some viewers to throw up. Not us. After a while we found the
repetitiveness of the herky-jerky filming and the f-word-laden
bickering to be somnifacient At one point we stirred ourselves awake
to see the female student unwrap a bundle of sticks and discover to her
horror (yawn) nondescript bloody lumps inside the mysterious package.
Slumping in our theater seat, we fell again into slumber, dreaming
about a possible scene to follow the unwrapping of the bloody lumps.
Suddenly there would be a cameo by Stephen Spielberg's lovable alien.
The squat extraterrestrial would stumble out of the woods, his bloody
hands grasping his loins, saying in agony: "E.T. phone doctor."
A friend poked us for our snoring and so we were semi-alert for the
dull conclusion of this enervating movie. At the end the last two
students--hey, we won't give out any more "spoilers", mainly because
there's really nothing to spoil. If you were impressed by this movie,
fine. But wait a couple of weeks and watch it again when the crowds
and the buzz die down. See if it grabs you with the same intensity.
Maybe you'll say, "Hhhmmmm, looks like Anti-Press does have a point,
that a movie should stand on its own without hype..."
In the meantime we're waiting for the vestiges of the buzz to fade away
like a bad-- or more like an annoying-- dream. It'll probably take ten
years before TBWP will be viewed in the proper context, with new
non-hyped-up viewers going, "What was the hard-on about this thing?"
Speaking of the buzz, the lead actress, Heather
Whatshername-wedon'trememberwefellasleep, explained on a TV talk show
on how she was hired through a classified ad. The producers told her
that this would be an "improv" movie and that all the actors would have
to go into the wilderness and rough it for a few days on their own.
This way their acting would be more "natural".
Heather's mom was concerned about the real intentions of the producers;
she wanted her daughter to completely check them out before getting
"lost" in the woods. After all, thought Mom, maybe they were actually
making a "snuff" movie.
Take it from us. You would rather see the snuff movie...
:: SHUT UP & GIMME YER QUOTES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW MILLER ::
And still more quotes from the quotemiester himself, Andrew Miller.
This broken up into 3 sections for your reading pleasure. If you want
to get your very own quotes send a note to Andrew at:
amiller@teleport.com and ask nicely to be put on his list.
* Newspapers *
"If newspapers are useful in overthrowing tyrants, it is only to
establish a tyranny of their own."
-James Fenimore Cooper (1789-1851)
"Newspaper editor are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and
then print the chaff."
-Adlai Stevenson
"The indispensable requirement for a good newspaper--as eager to tell a
lie as the truth."
-Norman Mailer
* Failure *
"Show me a thoroughly satisfied man--and I will show you a failure."
-Thomas Alva Edison
"Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure."
-William Saroyan
"I've never been afraid to fail."
-Michael Jordan, at the press conference where he announced he was
leaving the NBA to pursue a career in baseball.
* Logic *
A thing either is what it appears to be; or it is not, but yet appears
to be; or it is, but does not appear to be; or it is not, and does not
appear to be.
-Epictitus
* Knowledge *
"Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!"
-Homer Simpson
The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.
-Henri L. Bergson
"Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another
time."
-Rabbinical Saying
"All our knowledge has its origins in our perceptions."
-Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519)
"The President is aware of what is going on. That's not to say there is
something going on."
-Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard Nixon, on a rumor
that allied forces were attacking across the Laotian border
:: SON OF SHUT UP & GIMME YER QUOTES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW MILLER ::
* Relationships *
"Men are like Oreos, all the good ones are taken and the rest are
cracked and broken."
-unknown
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
-Phyllis Diller
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
-Henny Youngman
"Back of every achievement is a proud wife and a surprised
mother-in-law."
-Brooks Hays
"Too much of a good thing is wonderful."
-Mae West
"Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, but it does sure heats up
the blood."
-Elizabeth Ashley
* Humility *
"They are proud in humility, proud in that they are not proud."
-Robert Burton (1577-1640)
"The more humble a man is before God, the more he will be exalted; the
more humble he is before man, the more he will get rode roughshod."
-Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw) (1818-1885)
:: RETURN OF THE SON OF SHUT UP & GIMME YER QUOTES - SUBMITTED BY
* Simpsons *
HOMER: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain
sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest
bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
------
KENT: Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at
the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for
philosophy majors. USEFUL people are starting to feel the
pinch.
------
LISA : I've got a weekend job helping the poor and I'm only eight.
Homer: [scoffs] That's not a job, it's a waste of time. What can poor
people pay you? Nothing! What satisfaction you get from helping
them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!
------
HOMER: OK, boy, I wrote down exactly what to say. Just read it and
you're a shoo-in!
BART: Hello, Mr. ...Kurns. I bad want...money now. Me sick.
HOMER: Ooh, he card-reads good.
BART: So pick please me, Mr. Burns.
HOMER: [calling from offstage] It's "Kurns", stupid!
------
HOMER: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a
city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it
would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't
Slow Down."
------
MARGE: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
HOMER: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving
mysteries.
------
HOMER: Marge, do you know that so-called volunteers don't even get
paid?
------
REVEREND LOVEJOY: This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack
of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools.
Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the
collection plate
:: FLYING BIRDSHITE ::
I read some funny/strange supposedly true fact on another list I'm on
recently. The note said that birds apparently can't burp. And that
the person writing had a friend who carried seltzer tablets around
with him and when he got board he would feed the tablets to pigeons.
The birds gobbled them up and then flew away only to explode in midair!
Does anyone know if this is true? Anyone seen this happen? While I
don't condone the mistreatment of birds, this sure does sound like
fun...but not for the bird <g>
:: BLAIRSHITE ::
I stole this piece from Zentertainment (http://www.ZENtertainment.co).
> So what's the name of your BLAIR WITCH PROJECT spoof? Chances are,
> you're working on one, as everyone and their stick figure are in
> various stages of production on shorts, features, and websites like
> THE BLAIR'S WITCH PROJECT, THE BARE WITCH PROJECT, THE BLAIR WARNER
> PROJECT, THE BLAIR PRINCESS PROJECT, THE BLAIR PROJECTS PROJECT,
> THE BLAIR HYPE PROJECT, THE WATTS BITCH PROJECT, THE BLAIR SANDWITCH
> PROJECT, THE JAR JAR BINKS PROJECT, KYLE'S MOM'S A BITCH PROJECT, THE
> ROAD RULES PROJECT, THE BEWITCHED PROJECT, THE BEVERLY SALE PROJECT,
> THE GRIFFITH WITCH PROJECT, THE WILLIE WITCH PROJECT, BLAIRMOBIL,
> BLAIR WITCH ATE MY BALLS, and one simply titled THE BLAIR WITCH
> SPOOF. Noteable among the spoofs are THE BIGFOOT PROJECT, by Travis
> Oscarson, Brian McCaughey, and DARKCHYLDE's Randy Queen, which
> captures three L.A. tourists who encounter the Bigfoot monster while
> lost in the hills of Hollywood, and THE BARE CHEST WITCH, which
> Internet sex diva Danni Ashe is calling more of a "bra-comentary."
> http://www.blairwitch.com
> http://www.angelfire.com/md2/blairsandwitch
> http://home.att.net/~chmilnir/bewitch
> http://members.xoom.com/_XOOM/trrproject
> http://www.trailervision.com/jarshort.html
> http://w3.ime.net/~pbreshe/bitch.htm
> http://www.chickpages.com/moviemavens/blairwitch/blairballs1.html
> http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Lounge/3027/Blair.html
> http://www.darkchylde.com
> http://www.danni.com
Holy fuck, enough already. I loved the movie but this is getting
ridiculous.
:: MUSIC? WHAT MUSIC? ::
No Paul, this is not a column about Jethro Tull... <g>. This is also
stolen from Zentertainment...
> NINE INCH NAILS' long-awaited new release "The Fragile," features
> 23-tracks, across a double-disc set that will be offered in
> slightly different versions on cassette and vinyl. "There was no
> settling involved with the making of this record," said Trent
> Reznor about the September 21st release. "I wanted to try new
> things, fully utilizing the studio while putting more effort into
> melody and structure. As a fan, I want to listen to something more
> than just singles and filler. I want something that I can listen
> to a million times, trying to get more out of it with each spin."
> NIN perform at the 1999 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS on 9/9/99.
> http://nothing.smashedupsanity.com
Yes, I like NIN. So what?
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered
to your mailbox, send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you don't want VD, figure it out (it has something to do
with empty mail and v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com - duh).
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
Next issue September 14/99
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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