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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 1 august4:98
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 1 vol. 1 august4/98
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
THE REEF
HORROR - BY MORBUS
NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY
CONSPIRE
URLs THAT SHOULD BE
LOSER
BOOKS
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
guess what? you've got vd!
ick.
welcome to the 1st issue of viewer discretion.
just what is this vd thing you ask? well it's sort of like the real
vd in that it is communicable (transmitted via email - wear condoms
on your fingers when you're typing) and could quite possibly eat
away at your brain if left unchecked. then again, maybe i'm reaching.
vd is basically a clearing house of ideas, reviews, rants, views,
nonsense, etc. that i will be having fun with between issues of the
annihilation fountain (http://www.yorku.ca/academics/neil/taf),
the other zine i publish/edit on the web. vd will only be available
from me as an email text only thingy, but if you really, really want
to read it on the web you can go check out low bandwidth
(http://www.disobey.com/low) where it is archived exclusively as
part of disobey.com's empire of global domination plot.
topics for vd will always be influx so if you don't like this week's,
stay tuned as the next one will probably be totally different. or
better yet, write something yourself and mail it to v_d@iname.com
we'll publish it, providing it isn't complete and total horseshit,
and you'll become famous and guys & gals world wide will WANT you
cause you're like, an author... dang!
so there it is... vd will delivered to your mailbox every 2 weeks
free of charge by simply sending an empty email to
v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
and without any further adieu, on with the show this is it...
:: QUOTABLE ::
Why do the birds fly through the clouds? Because they want to see God.
-Connor aged 4
World War III would be a guerilla information war with no division
between civilian and military participation.
-Marshall McLuhan aged dead
...If you believe in the Spice Girls you can't believe in God.
-Hannah aged 5
:: THE REEF ::
I have a collection of strange items that I mostly got through snail-
mail. How/why you ask? well, several years back I came across this book
'high weirdness by mail' put out by the subgenus group. It listed
hundreds upon hundreds of addresses of places that were just dying to
send you their shit - from conspiracy theorists to people claiming to be
Jesus from outer space. Once I got through that book I started checking
out the classified sections of really cheesy tabloid rags for more
addresses. Pretty soon my wife was complaining that some psycho was
going to show up at our door looking for me when she was home alone...
Well no one ever did but I got so much shit in the mail that it now
occupies a full sized office 3 drawer filing cabinet. On top of that,
well not really on top of it, but on my hard drive, I have multi, multi
megabytes of stuff downloaded from the net. Collectively I refer to all
this stuff as 'the reef' - borrowed from a Clive Barker novel. Anyways,
every issue I will select something at random from the reef and share
it with you. So let me dip my hand into the top drawer, rummage around a
bit and we have...
Po-Po - Its After The End Of The Werld
"!PO-PO! is an art movement of Neo-Contemporary-Post-Post-Modern-Modern
-Romantics."
Yeah...sounds to me like they stutter a lot. I picked up this small
privately printed zine at an anarchist fest I went to where Hakim Bey
was giving a talk. If you really want to experience something uh,
unique, yeah, that's it, go to an event with a time schedule of
speakers organized by fucking anarchists. Anarchy all right. No one
had a clue as to what they were doing. If it wasn't for the literature
I picked up for my collection it would have been a complete waste of a
night. As it were it was still pretty close to wasted as it cost me $10
to get in.
One of the forces behind this Po-Po thingy is/was one Jubal Brown -
he's the guy who got his 15 minutes of fame by puking up coloured
vomit on famous artworks in galleries - something about art being
dead. He was also at the fest that night waving a black flag from the
stage, being all pouty and depressed looking dressed in black. After
spending $10 to get into his fiasco I'd like to puke on him. I took
an instant dislike to his pseudo-intellectual aloofness. Someone
should tell him that there is a fine line between deep and thick. I
came away from that event thinking that anarchists, at least the ones
I heard speak that night, are really good observers of what going on
(but so is anyone who is widely enough read) but offer no concrete
solutions to the problems they identify. So things basically turn
into a preaching-to-the-converted-bitching-fest - boring.
Other articles in this 24 page thing are: Neoism?! by Monty Cantsin;
Nomadic Pirates of the Alien Wasteland by Tasman Richardson; Religion
and Revolution (now that's original! -Ed) by Hakim Bey; The
Antisocialist Manifesto by Volodyslav Paraniuk & the Gregory Kalyniuk;
and bla bla bla... I guess I could never get into anarchism because
my name was too normal sounding. They even have a "Po-Po -
contemporary aesthetics for a beautiful living art" supporter form you
can fill out, send away and even offer them cash contributions!!! NOT.
Poo-Poo, get yours today.
:: HORROR - BY MORBUS ::
Disturbing Behavior
After opting out to seeing DISTURBING BEHAVIOR opening day and instead
feasting on Chicken Quesadillas from the local Friendly's, this
not-really-horror flick is about a crazy doctor taking over kids by
mind controlling them into "psycho-preps". It's the thought that
counts, and not the gore.
I was impressed by the opening credits... they were of the quality
found in movies like SE7EN or THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU... but like
MOREAU, I was afraid they would be the only decent part of the flick.
Instead, what I found was a movie filled with cliches, close-ups of
breast fondling, erotic horror, and the all too prevalent "catchy eye-
trick" in which we see close-ups of an eye and some guy's idea of a cool
PhotoShop filter in the pupil.
Even along with the cliches (the "just-playing" retard ratman leading a
mass of screaming zombie-like teenagers with his trapezoidal stereos
into a menace-ending chasm a la the Pied Piper or the Sherlock /
Moriaty death scene with the hero and the crazy doctor or the cheesy
adam & eve "we're the only ones left" love story) and the ironic "smell
a sequel" ending, this movie ain't all that bad.
Final consensus: not too scary, not THAT original, but a good one
nonetheless.
:: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY ::
I hate you. If you shopped in the store where I work at, chances are
that I hate you. This is all caused by the unfortunate fact that the
store is shaped in such a way, that the back entrance is higher,
therefore needing a ramp for the carts to go down to street level.
Space to hook the buggies was therefore set at the end of the ramp.
Customers leaving the store would therefore hook the buggy there
instead of back in the store because it would save them to walk an a
whole 28 meters.
So this means that eventually all the buggies inside the store will
finish, the cashier will call for buggies to be brought back into the
store, and I will be interrupted in my job for the nth time.
The first person usually I hate when I hear the dreaded "Buggies to the
front!" call is the cashier. Especially when you walk by them and they
give you that evil grin. She seems to enjoy having the power to direct
our lives to her leisure. I feel at times the need to wipe that grin
off her face with a shotgun. Then walk to her cash, grab the phone and
make the announcement "clean up, cash one, bring a mop please". I don't
know what's with the cashiers but they seem to lack that sense of
brotherhood that develops among the clerks.
As you pass the section where the buggies should be, there are usually
three or four ladies who are just standing there waiting for the
buggies. One of them will usually stop us as we are heading outside to
bring the buggies inside "We've been waiting for an hour for the
buggies!" in the mean time some lady just took the last buggy out from
the row. "If you want to keep us as customers you have to threat us
well!" Being customers apparently gives them the right to abuse us.
Notice that the buggies are just past the door behind them, and down
the stairs.
As you are slowly bringing the row of six buggies up the ramp back into
the store, you will encounter two more idiots. The first will start
going down the ramp and instead of going on one side only so to allow
you to pass him on the other side, he will just stand there in front of
you in the middle. You are like 3 meters from the door and he's like "I
guess you'll have to go back". Usually it takes a good 4 minutes
average to convince him that two buggies will fit on the ramp. "No they
don't!" Trust me buddy, I work here everyday of my pathetic life. I
would know shit like that.
The other idiot, usually female in this case, is the bitch that come
screaming out of the store's doors, and smashes right against you. No,
not the huge, long, lumbering line of buggies she should've spotted 5
miles ago before coming out of the door, but into me. After slamming
into me at full force, and without moving the buggy back you hear them
say they are sorry they didn't see you. Perhaps my clothing is not as
colourful as the canary yellow of a buggy, but I'm pretty sure my red
shirt doesn't blend in too well with the black of the asphalt and the
white of the walls.
Finally, we think, it's safe to let the door open and get inside. We
get in, and some woman has to run in front of you and grab the buggy
right in front of the one you were going to couple to the rest. She
couldn't have waited that I was done with it. They want the last one
from the first row, not the last one from my row. So you pull back
onto the buggies as not to kill them, and you sit there and you watch
them fumble for half an hour trying to figure out how where the
quarter goes.
You know the buggy, the one where you insert the quarter to free it?
This one has a little extra attached to it, you insert the key back in
front of the quarter so it frees itself. It's weird, but there are
instructions written in English on each lock mechanism that explain
with pictures and diagrams and words that already kids in grade 4 use,
on how to successfully free a buggy and roll it around. After reading
the instructions (took me about 5 seconds), I managed to free my first
buggy (took about 3 seconds. Total operation: 8 seconds).
But no. Apparently an average human being can't figure out for the
life of him how to free a buggy. They sit there and they put the
quarter sideways, they shove the key in the wrong holes (not the ones
I had in mind unfortunately) and they curse and complain to us.
"This buggy is too hard!"
"No it's not.."
"I can't fucking use it! How the fuck do you expect me to shop here
if these things don't work?!"
"It works, it works.."
"Oh yeah, show it to me"
"Okay, as you can see from the clearly written instructions on the
lock itself, you insert quarter, like this, put in the key and.."
there is a loud 'clak' sound
"..the buggy is freed. As you can see the buggy works, it's simply
that you are an idiot and your IQ is the same as the size of your
shoes".
Sure, they get upset. But what about me?
I hate you all.
:: CONSPIRE ::
In 1910 Guiseppi Di Capria and William M. Cameron both bought large
shares in the Whitestar Shipping Lines and Metro-Goldwyn Mayer film
studios with the hidden aim of securing the futures of their
children's children. In April of 1912, with the help of leading
government officials and film special effects personal, the biggest
hoax ever was perpetrated on the unsuspecting world. And the goal of
this hoax? To ensure that the as of then unborn great grandchildren
would achieve fame, fortune and glamour. So what really happened that
on that night to remember then? Well, the iceberg was really an opening,
a doorway as it were, to a secret society, founded by members of the
illuminati, that existed (and still exists to this day) at the center of
the earth. No one died, the Titanic didn't sink, all the published
reports of the tragedy were contrived and planted by Guiseppi, William
and their co-conspirators, who were all paid very handsomely for their
silence. But 80 years later Leo and James were certainly well served by
the covert actions of their forefathers...
Believe it or don't.
:: URLs THAT SHOULD BE ::
www.eatshit.com
www.nikesux.com
www.enoughtitanicalready.com
www.shovesomethingupjerryspringersbutt.com
www.morbuswantstoruletheworld.com
www.eattherich.com
www.fuckhead.com
www.shit.com
www.nofrills.com
www.whocaresaboutbillclinton'ssexlifedammit.com
Actually, one of these URLs is real - can you guess which one? First
person to send an email to v_d@iname.com telling the correct answer
wins a one of a kind vd created 'Microsloth Windoze95 Netscape
Communicator' splash screen for your 'puter - Windoze 95 only, sorry.
(No cash substitutes. Void where prohibited. Winner must correctly
answer a time limited mathematical skill testing question. Winner must
also agree to have his/her digital likeness rendered in ASCII for
publication purposes. Not open to residents of New Hampshire) - woohoo!
:: LOSER ::
A Mr. Shard Tappan, 28, of Mt. Clemens, Mich., was escaping the heat in
an apartment swimming pool when he and his friends decided to have a
contest to see who could hold their breath the longest under water.
Tappan won. However after five minutes at the bottom of the pool, his
friends pulled him out and started CPR. He was pronounced dead on
arrival at a local hospital. (UPI)
Bwa hahahah ahahhahah hahhaha
:: BOOKS ::
GO-BOY by Roger Caron. An autobiography of life behind bars in the
Canadian penal (heheh heh I said penal) system. Caron spent most of his
adult life behind bars for bank robbery, etc. The tale is brutal in
places making the reader rethink the notion that 'rehabilitation' takes
place behind bars and that we are civilized. Strong reading enhanced by
Caron never portraying himself as the poor hard done by victim. He
repeatedly lets the reader know the he is foolish, even stupid at times
and the maker of his own destiny but he is also a very intelligent guy
to boot - he won the Canadian Governor General award for this (his
first) book written while still behind bars. He has a follow-up to this
entitled BINGO, which chronicles the 1971 Kingston penitentiary riot.,
That is also a great read. Roger was serving time in Kingston during
the riot. He is now 60 years old and suffering from Parkinson's disease.
:: ETC ::
You can catch vd every third full moon when two out of three Sundays
fall on even numbered days or by sending an empty email to
v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
If you have something you'd like to see in vd or an idea for a section
you'd like to write, send a note to v_d@iname.com
Viewer Discretion, VD and all likenesses are copyrighted up the wazoo -
so don't even think about it...
Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com
Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Next issue August 18/98
Remember there's only a few letters difference between irreverent and
irrelevant.
b'd b'd b'd b'd b'd That's all folks!
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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