Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 8 Nov. 9:99

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Viewer Discretion

 · 5 years ago

  

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99/9 .voN 2 .lov 8 eussi                              r e w e i\_\  / / 
6622-1841 NSSI                                n o i t e r c s i| |\/ /  
mon.eman@d_v                                                  \| |__/ 
htdiwdanb wol ta devihcra                                     \| _ |  
mth.noitrecsid_reweiv/sgnitsil/wol/moc.yebosid.www//:ptth     \|___| 
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      . . . g n i n i a m e r   s y a d   2 5   e r a   e r e h t    

In this issue: 

       WELCOME 
       QUOTABLE 
       AMERIKAN DEATHSHITE 
       OPERATION PANTS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIE23 
       ETHICAL SHITE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. 
       QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. 
       BLAIR, BLAIR EVERY-WITCH-WHERE 
       NEW YEAR'S KISSHITE 
       REAL HEADLINES 
       NOT BREATHING/DEAD VOICES ON AIR TOUR - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST  
       ETC 

 
:: WELCOME :: 
Welcome to the "backwards assed country fuck/bovine" issue starring AFeXT. 
Yes, AFeXT, as in that miserable sod from south of 49th parallel...<g> 
In response to Goatboy's unintentional prose last issue AFeXT had this 
to say: 
  
            Tell goat boy that I'd fuck him... 
            ..Or don't. 

Uh, no you tell him. Keep your homosexual fantasies away from me there 
pigmy pony boy. Sheesh a guy writes one stinkin' poem and everyone 
wants to fuck him up the ass. Not that there's any wrong with that...<g> 
OK. Now your five minutes are over AFeXT. Lets move on... 

Sadly we got no questions for the LET'S ASK ANGIE column idea. Angie  
was crushed. So if you want to cheer her up, send some really seedy 
questions to v_d@iname.com with ASK ANGIE in the subject line. C'mon 
people, I know her answers will be worth the price of admission alone.  

In other news... I was at the annual Royal Winter Fair here in Toronto 
yesterday with my kids school trip. I happened upon this bovine 
genetics display where they were holding this show special draw. It was 
their main promotion thingy at their booth. So I started reading to see 
just what they were giving away and found out that the winner of the 
draw would win their choice of one of several types of - are you ready?  
- I kid you not - bovine sperm!?!?! So after I finished laughing 
hysterically (internally of course) I got a great idea... Yup - I filled 
out about a hundred ballots ... in Morbus' name!!!!. Good luck buddy <g> 
Bwahahahahahaha 
  
Bovine sperm?!?!? Goddamn - them backwards assed country fuck farmers 
know how to live big... Kinda like rodeo sex - but that's a whole other  
politically incorrect issue... 

After visiting that agriculture fair though I realized one thing - I 
really want to go back to being a vegetarian. Man, there were so many 
fucking bovine genetic companies there showing pictures of their 
genetically enhanced cows with udders the size of small cars, having 
daily milk outputs large enough to feed most 3rd world countries. I'm 
scared to let myself think about what was in that burger I ate for 
lunch on the weekend - I keep waiting for my scrotum to start growing 
and become really engorged and veiny - shudder my udder that's a horror 
story if ever I heard one... 

Anyways, as always - enjoy the issue or don't. But I guarantee it to be 
100% bovine genetically engineered chemical free and recyclable to 
boot. And oh yeah, Morbus, keep checking you mailbox for your contest 
winnings. It will be in the sticky envelope...moooooooo 

 
:: QUOTABLE :: 
"Microsoft wields so much power in the Intel PC market that it could 
charge a price for Windows that is substantially higher than it would 
be able to charge in a truly competitive marketplace." 
-Judge Jackson US vs. MS antitrust suit 

"We will bind the shell to the Internet Explorer, so that running any 
other browser is a jolting experience" 
-Brad Chase, Microsoft executive  

"Given a level playing field, Sun, AOL/Netscape, Linux, Apple, Netware,  
and hundreds of others are more than capable of competing on their own.  
It's high time we let that happen." 
-Paul Thurrott, WinInfo: Windows news and information, WUGNET: 
http://www.wugnet.com/wininfo 

"Mooooooooo" 
-some stupid cow at the Royal Winter Fair 

 
:: AMERIKAN DEATHSHITE :: 
I read this story about a Yank convicted of murder 15 years or so ago 
in Florida. Typically he was sentenced to death but managed to delay 
the execution by announcing to all who would listen that he was in fact  
Jesus Christ. Funny, how when you're about to be cooked or gassed you  
find out these really neat things about yourself - like all sudden  
you're just misunderstood as you're really the son of God not just some 
scumbag killer. Uh huh. Anyways, the fun part of this story is in what  
one state politician had to say. When asked about the convicted killer  
he replied: 

        "Doesn't he think he's Jesus Christ or something?" 
        "Why don't we just crucify him? I'd make him a  
        cross and we could take it out there to [death row] 
        and nail him up."(Reuters) 

I bet the crucifixion would get more political brownie points with the 
extreme right than an plain old electric chair death... But what if the 
guy rose up after 3 days? I bet in this day and age, if he was Christ, 
he'd be real pissed and wouldn't turn the other cheek. He'd be like a 
kick ass super antihero. Hope he kills all the right false-prophets- 
preachers-cum-politicians first. I'd turn religious just to watch that.  
Imagine Jerry Fallwell getting pummelled on national tv by JC himself?! 
That would be hysterical. It'd be like a WWF cage match. Woohoo! 

 
:: OPERATION PANTS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIE23 :: 
Seeing as gnomes were featured last issue I figured pants with elves 
in them would be a nice follow up and so in that vein.... 

> On Thu, 28 Oct 1999, bunnie23 wrote: 
> 
> From the bored geek minds of #dvoa comes....Operation Pants! 
> Plans are in the works for a soon to be world famous commune of 
> non-satan worshipers located somewhere in the wilds of Denver,  
> Colorado. 
> 
> Details thus far: 
> 
> 1.  Official motto:  "OUR Pants have ELVES in them." 
> 
> 2.  Chickens will be trained as attack guards, wearing tiny helmets 
> with riding crops glued to their wings and driving miniature tanks. 
> The ATF will be no match for our chickens! 
> 
> 3.  Cows will be in abundance for the purpose of producing psilocybin 
> for King Poop, aka ergot66. 
> 
> 4.  I, bunnibee, will be Queen of Operation Pants. I already have the  
> tiara, fairy wand and dozens of rubber bracelets necessary for the 
> job. 
> 
> 5.  No monkeys allowed on the premises. (sorry AFeXT that includes 
> you -Ed.<g>) 
> 
> 6.  Celebrity recruitment underway soon to secure funds for 
> purchasing real estate, livestock, pixie sticks and pants. 
> 
> 7.  King Poop will sleep with the pigs.  Why...uh...we're not sure. 
> 
> Come join the not so friendly folks at Operation Pants on the quest 
> for world domination through better pants living.  This offer void  
> where prohibited, or anywhere John Tesh cd's are sold. 
> 
> *moooo* 
> 
> Queen Bunnibee 
> http://www.dangermedia.org/bunniee/ 
> (soon to be more than just a broken link) 

 
:: ETHICAL SHITE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. :: 
Two ethical questions: 

Q1:  If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,  
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she  
had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? 

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. 

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here 
are the facts about the three leading candidates: 

Candidate A Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with 
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 
8 to 10 martinis a day. 

Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used 
opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. 

Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't 
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital 
affairs. 

Which of these candidates would be your choice? 

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
Candidate A is Franklin D.  Roosevelt 
Candidate B is Winston Churchill 
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler 

And by the way.....The abortion question... 
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. 

 
:: QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.:: 
Yes, once again, more quotes from the Quotemiester himself, Mr Miller. 
If you want to receive his quotes directly then send a note to: 
amiller@teleport.com and tell him VD sent ya. 

* Subtlety * 
Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple  
and danced on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle Plans Are Here 
Again!" 
-Ebenezer Blackadder in Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988) 

* Humorous * 
"We at the FBI do not have a sense of humour we're aware of." 
-Kay, Men in Black (1997) 

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." 
-Groucho Marx 

Men were real men. Women were real women. And small, furry creatures 
from Alpha Centauri were *real* small, furry creatures from Alpha 
Centauri. 
-Announcer, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1981) 

* Prediction * 
"An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses 
lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination. " 
-Andrew Lang 

"Forecasting is the art of saying what will happen, and then explaining  
why it didn't! " 
-Anonymous (communicated by Balaji Rajagopalan) 

"If you can look into the seeds of time, and say which grain will grow 
and which will not, speak then unto me. " 
-William Shakespeare 

"My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of 
my life there." 
-C.F. Kettering 

"Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions!" 
-Paul A. Samuelson in Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 September 1966 

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." 
-Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. 

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? 
You're crazy." 
-Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his project to drill 
for oil in 1859. 

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." 
-Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. 

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." 
-Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de 
Guerre. 

* Bureaucracy * 
"I'm smiling on the outside and beating you senseless on the inside. 
You creep!" 
-S.P. Eills, artist recalling sentiment after redesigning a single  
product multiple times. 

* Cats * 
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled 
through snow." 
-Jeff Valdez 

"We all have our 'good old days' tucked away inside our hearts, and we 
return to them in daydreams like cats to favourite armchairs." 
-Brian Carter 

"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to 
admitting it." 
-Doug Larson 

 
:: BLAIR, BLAIR EVERY-WITCH-WHERE :: 
I read about this in Zentertainment. This might actually be a game that 
I'd be interested in... 

BLAIR WITCH GAME IN DEVELOPMENT GATHERING OF DEVELOPERS has announced 
its NOCTURNE gaming engine will be used in a BLAIR WITCH PROJECT game 
the company is developing with TERMINAL REALITY. While exact details  
are unknown, the game is believed to be a prequel to the film, 
chronicling the start of the Blair Witch legend. 

 
:: NEW YEAR'S KISSHITE :: 
More interesting (or not depending on your taste or lack there-of) from 
Zentertainment... I wanna rocknroll aw night n pawty everyday...... 

Tickets will go on sale this Saturday at 9:30am PT for a special KISS 
concert on December 31st, at Vancouver, Canada's BC PLACE. The show,  
with full pyrotechnic effects, a beer garden, and dance floor, will be 
recorded and released next year on both audio and video, as "Alive IV." 
Several big name opening acts are expected to be announced shortly. 
http://www.kissonline.net 
http://info.ticketmaster.ca 

Hmmm - maybe there should include a make-up studio as well. Pay $10 and 
get a professional Kiss make over...? Anyone wanna bet that Marilyn  
Manson shows up on the bill? 

 
:: REAL HEADLINES :: 
These are some honest to God real headlines taken from either The 
Toronto Sun or The Toronto Star newspapers. A dyslexic friend of mine 
named Bob or boB gave them to me. 

"Audience claps as alligator gnaws on wrestler's head" 
"Hubby takes one last shot....Wife shot back" 
"Tiger eats man's arm" 
"$43G's to tour Titanic - Sub service starts in August" 
"Peer into a showcase of pain" 
"Microsoft chief gets full share of the pie" 
"Free Winnie the Pooh, British MP says" 
"Trampled by the Net" 
"Monica Lewinsky suffering death of a thousand 'instant news' dispatches" 
"Killer vampire convicted...Pair butchered to 'open gates of hell'" 
"Deep in haunted Toronto, something spooky stirs" 
"'Goofy' raped, killed 140 children" 

 
:: NOT BREATHING/DEAD VOICES ON AIR TOUR - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST :: 
I received this on the Instagon list last night. If you don't know it, 
DVOA is a musical experience really worth checking out (especially if 
they are coming to a venue near you). 
#### 
if you have any ideas of good venues or ideas for time not spent well - 
well let me know - it's all good - hopefully the new not breathing 
panties will be finished printing for this tour - we want to keep the  
ladies happy please come and buy some things from us - we will all be 
really poor and tell everyone to go 

hah 

DEAD VOICES ON AIR / NOT BREATHING TOUR 
November / December 1999. 

The following is a list of CONFIRMED shows ( as of 11.5.99 ) More to be 
announced. Addresses, time, ticket prices etc. will follow shortly. 

Nov 25     Vancouver, BC. Brickyard. 
Nov 26     Seattle, WA. Fenix. 
Nov 27     Portland, OR. Paris Theatre. 
Nov 28     Eugene, OR. John Henry's. 
Nov 29     Sacramento, CA. Experimental Media Research Lab. 
Nov 30     San Francisco, CA. Cocodrie. 
Dec 1      Los Angeles, CA to be confirmed. 
Dec 2      Phoenix, AZ. Modified. 
Dec 3      Albuquerque, NM. Bandito's Hideout. 
Dec 5      Austin, to be confirmed. 
Dec 6      San Antonio, TX. Re-verb Lounge. 
Dec 8      Columbia ,MO. Shattered. 
Dec 9      Chicago, IL  confirmed, venue to be announced. 
Dec 10     Detroit, MI. confirmed, venue to be announced. 
Dec 11     Columbus, OH. The Lab. 
Dec 12     Cleveland, OH Speak in Tongues. 
Dec 13     Pittsburgh, PA. Millvale Industrial Theatre. 
Dec 14     Richmond, VA.  Artspace. 
Dec 15     Washington ,DC.  Metro Cafe. 
Dec 16     Baltimore, MD. to be confirmed. 
Dec 17     Philadelphia, to be confirmed. 
Dec 18     Lowell, MA. Voix. 
Dec 19     Boston, MA or Albany, NY to be announced. 
Dec 20     New York City, NY, Alchemy at CBGB's. 
Dec 21     Rochester, NY or Canada 
Dec 22     Canada 
Dec 23     Canada 
-- 
dave wright 
not breathing sound system 
http://dust.net/nb/ 

 
:: ETC :: 
You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered 
to your mailbox, send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com 

Conversely, if you don't want VD, figure it out (it has something to do 
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If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section 
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to 
v_d@iname.com or don't. 

Next issue November 23/99 

 
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"... 
  
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Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh. 
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          ...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on. 
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