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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 5 september 29:98
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 5 vol. 1 september 29/98
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
THE REEF
HORROR - BY MORBUS
NO FRILLS OF MY LIFE - BY GOATBOY
WHURL-A-URL
ZINESHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the 'eighty farts in five minutes' issue. What's that you
say? Well, let me explain. I was driving home from dropping my kids
off at school one morning last week and when I turned on the radio it
happened to be tuned to the local (and only) station that carries
Howard Stern's show. Normally I don't listen to him but right when I
turned on the radio he was talking about a guest setting a new world
record for the most farts in five minutes. Appealing to my baser
instincts, I listened on. Sure enough this guy came on, bent over and,
as Robin so wonderfully described, massaged his cheeks and 'coaxed'
eighty farts out of that much maligned orifice. And these weren't no
wimpy girly farts either. These were of the oops-I-hope-I-didn't-get-
any-on-me behemoth variety. I was duly impressed. It was something
akin to a religious epiphany right there on Keele street in front of
the local No Frills grocery store. Goatboy would have been proud. But
it didn't end there. Uh uh, this guest then offered to do one real
long fart for Howard. And did he?! Man, it was like twenty seconds of
unbelievable ripsawing-vibrating-liquid-fleshcrawling-aural torture.
He had to have got some on him. Of course the fact that I have a
really good stereo in my car just enhanced the experience as well -
talk about low end bass response...
What has all this to do with VD you ask? Well, in a word - nothing
(other than the all too obvious orifice/STD double entendras).
But that religious like epiphany I mentioned above went something
like this: Howard Stern's show is so appealing because it is like
the mechanically separated meat by-products that make the hot-dogs of
life - his show may be filling, but it's filled with shit (or at
least gas). But it is shit that everybody at one time or another
greedily wolfs down because they secretly enjoy it. 'Nuff said.
Just when I was beginning to think my appeal for someone to review
this rag went unnoticed, I received a note from Morbus saying that
Antipress1@aol.com had reviewed Viewer Discretion and the review
was posted on Low Bandwidth. It's a good review, not just good as
in favourable (which it is), but good as in a well done piece. The
reviewer had some valid criticisms and suggestions. Thanks very
much to Antipress1@aol.com. Everyone should surf on over to
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm and check
out the review at the bottom of the page.
This issue marks the return of VD's prodigal son Goatboy. I know
everyone missed him and his torrid tales of life as a grocery clerk
at the local No Frills grocery outlet. Welcome back Goatster!
Anyways, enough of my fart stories, let's get on with the issue.
:: QUOTABLE ::
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions
of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who
provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has
some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'."
- Kenneth Starr, 1987, `Sixty Minutes' interview with Dianne Sawyer.
"I'm taking a break. I don't want to have an accident like I did on
Magic Johnson's show"
-Farting guy on Howard Stern's show
"Oh, I hope that was a fart."
-Cheech from the movie Up in Smoke
"We were in a slaughterhouse recently. Apparently they were
having problems. The animals' blood would clot. They say the
blood flows freely now. The Muzak relaxes them as they die."
-taken from a book published by the MUZAK CORP. of AMERICA
:: THE REEF ::
This week's item is a real gem - an issue of Flat Earth News,
published by the International Flat Earth Research Society who, as
they proudly proclaim in their masthead, are 'Restoring The World
To Sanity'. This particular issue is #78, June 1991 and features
the headline: 1984 Brave New World Animal Farm. Printed on both
sides of an 11"x17" piece of paper, this newspaper is crammed full
of religious rhetoric and bizarre rants. There is a picture of
laboratory chimps in bondage with the caption below reading "Your
brothers and sisters cry and beg you please save me." OK, I can see
a tie in there but a headline further down reads "John F. Kennedy
and crime partner Nikita Kruschev Satanic beasts are burying
America". Hmmm... I wonder if they know that these guys are dead?
A sample quote from the story below that headline: "Since John
Kennedy, Christian President, caused USA to fulfill the prophecies
for BABYLON with his lieing (sic) wonders, fake moon landing; tens
of thousands of teen-agers have killed themselves..." Yeah, sure,
whatever you say bub. On the reverse side there is a story titled
"World A Stretched Out Plane". It goes on to give all sorts of
1500 year pseudo-science-babble about why the Earth is really flat.
In a note from the editor he writes "...will just send to those I
fell worthy...whatever God inspires me send (sic)...if they
indicate interest by some contribution." Always wanting something
these people who God has chosen. Why can't God chose a gainfully
employed, independently wealthy person as a vessel, say Bill Gates?
It would have a lot more impact... Anyways for those of you out
there interested in replacing "the science religion...with sanity",
you can contact The Flat Earth Society at P.O. Box 2533, Lancaster,
CA. 93539. And one more thing, on the enclosed membership form they
send, you must state what RACE you are in order to join..... God
moves in strange ways...
:: HORROR (um, no) - BY MORBUS ::
Well, being as busy as ever with Disobey (whose sole goal is to take
over the world), I didn't watch a single movie this week, which is
pretty pathetic. However, I did increase my bad movie collection with
HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and THE BIRDS II: LAND'S END.
Now, if anyone has ever seen HALLOWEEN III (and later regretted it),
you'll know that it has nothing to do with the original Michael Myers
saga. When this movie came out, they were talking about making
HALLOWEEN a series of standalone movies, and not continuing the series,
thus SEASON OF THE WITCH.
Not only is SEASON OF THE WITCH a poor example of their attempts (and
the almost nonexistence of profits told them that this is not what the
fans wanted) to create a wonderful AMAZING STORIES rip-off of horror,
it also has one of the most memorable (at least in context) lines of
bad movie fun.
Setup: Main male and main female are staying at a hotel or house or
somewhere else where there is only one bed (mind you, I have only seen
this movie twice so this relating might be severely flawed). These
people have known each other for maybe only a couple of hours. Male
looks at bed, asks a stupid question about where he should sleep, women
makes a stupid proposition of where do you think, and then the sex
music starts. Scene change.
It's moments like that (plus the wonderful annoying "3 more days to
Halloween" carol) that make bad movies so much fun to watch.
If you have time. Which I don't. But, we'll ignore that.
:: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY ::
I'd like first of all to apologize to the readership for this long
delay in NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES. I have been busy and away and
finally I have landed back home, able to continue my silly writings
that pollute your mailbox.
Today I came back from work. It was a great day. We played bowling
with a frozen bottle of water (those big ones in a plastic bottle),
using yogurt for pins, and then played hockey with tomatoes. We had a
blast, and there is nothing better than a good hockey game to cheer up
the soul. As the store opened and I stepped into the ground which
both clerks and humanity have to share, and I encountered the first
few customers, I realized one thing:
when you see a cop, do you ask him what kind of job he does? Of
course not. You can tell by the uniform. Same with the fireman, or a
doctor, a nurse, or the guy that drives the bus. You know what job he
does. You don't ask, for example, the guy sitting behind the wheel of
a bus, if he's a bus driver. Chances are he will kill you.
So this brought a thought to my mind. Why is it that every time a
customer stops me to ask me several questions, the first one always
has to be: "Excuse me, but do you work here?".
I must say, I am quite stunned. Is not like I am wearing a pair of
ripped jeans and a random T-shirt and I'm just sitting here picking my
nose. I am wearing a very distinctive apparel which is quite
significantly different from everyone else in the store. Let's go on
it step by step: black pants, black shoes. Now, so far, I am not much
of a difference, but the black is here for a vital purpose. For
anyone that has taken those silly art courses in high school, you
probably learned all that shit about balancing things out. So the
black was introduced to bring out the red of the shirt. The shirt,
before I forget, which is a bright red, has the letters "no frills"
written in bold Arial letters on the pocket, on my left breast. On
top of my red shirt is an apron, this one black, with the same
letters, this time however of a red colour. It clearly says "no
frills". You can spot me at night almost. To make things more
convenient, a white and yellow name tag with "no frills" written in
black on it, stands in front of my apron. White stands out quite
marvelously in front of the black.
One more thing: I don't usually dress like this, sit in a corner and
start picking my nose. I do that when I am inside the "authorized
personnel only" area. When I am outside I am usually doing something
which clearly separates me from the rest of the mob shopping in there.
I'm carrying a knife, cutting a box, wheeling a tray full of material,
filling up a shelf.
Of course this might seem all so logical. Well, apparently not for
everyone. Out of 10 customers that stop me to ask questions, 9 will
ask "do you work here?".
It's frustrating.
At first I wanted to beat the customer silly with a wooden stick.
Fortunately I limited myself in answering to things like "No, I just
like to dress this way, it's a fashion statement" or even worse "no
Madame, I'm an optical illusion" and walk away. This would get me in
deep trouble. But now I can proudly say that I have learned. Simply
deny that you are working in whatever they are looking for and put
yourself somewhere else.
"Excuse me, but do you work here?"
"No Madame, I'm the bread guy" and quickly walk away.
At times you don't even have to walk away. They sheepishly apologize
and walk themselves away. Unless they are smart and point out "but
you are wearing a no frills shirt!"
Ah, so you saw the fucking shirt eh? I have to resist here with the
desire to opening their skulls like an old watermelon. Instead I
answer as if they where the most stupid person in the world:
"of course! It's a no frills!"
I'm not sure what I am trying to prove with this article. But one
thing is for sure. Were grocery clerks allowed to carry loaded
firearms and to use them in whatever need, fully supported by the law,
I'm sure that suddenly, everyone would know, when they come looking
for the tuna, that we do work there.
:: WHURL-A-URL ::
Once again VD has the pleasure of announcing that ANGIE C. is our big
prize winner. This is 2 weeks in a row that Angie has beaten everyone
else to the punch. She's like that nerdy contestant on Jeopardy who
not only knows all the answers, but can hit the buzzer faster than
anyone else as well. Well, if she wins 5 times in a row we'll have to
come up with a really big prize for her, like a life sized picture of
Tommy Lee - what's that? You already have one?! Ah...we'll think of
something... Here's a full frontal ASCII view of Angie this time.
, . ,
@2@@2@
@@@@@@@@ <\"yes... that is a woman"/>
@*@@@@*@*@ : and yes, it's :
@*@*@*@*@* : Angie C. again! :
@`@@@@@20@ : She's like a :
@@| " " |@@ : glutton :
@@| ^ ^ |@@ : for punishment! :
@| \/ |@ : CONGRATULATIONS ANGIE! :
| \__/ | : :
/\______/\ <\"and yes, it's horrible"/>
| \_/\_/ |
Thanks to Morbus for the artwork - VD's official "Bad ASCII,
Short Notice" artist...And yes he's getting worse <g>...
Anyways this week we're playing for the contents of my Windows 95
Desktop Recycle Bin at the time that the first entry is received! If
you time it right you might win highly prized confidential letters or
secret URLs, who knows what's lurking in the bottom of my bin.... So
let's get to it, let's Whurl-a-URL!!!
www.meatbyproducts.org
www.managersarespam.com
www.E.O.slime.com
www.biteme.com
www.fart-art.org
www.tommylee.com
:: ZINESHITE ::
Kingdom Kage - http://www.tufts.edu:80/~kryan2/
The best way to begin describing this page is to quote right from it:
"This page is all about two things: 1) Busting up some of the
dumb-assed ideas that we currently employ to run our crappy society,
and 2) me being a huge conceited asshole who thinks everybody wants to
listen to him." I don't have a problem with this at all. He's up front
and honest. One of the best quotes comes from his Words pages: "if
your child is an antichrist by birth, don't make him go to church."
And this is how the page is presented, skulls, naked women, lot's of
black and silver, etc. Some people might have a problem with the
aesthetic sense of the site, but personally I like it - a lot. As for
what really matters - content - this site delivers as well. There is a
well written observation of the current U.S. educational system that is
quite interesting and a great piece entitled "A Vicious Rumor Laid To
Rest..." that I really laughed at, having heard the same rumour in my
early school years that is, indeed, put to rest here. All around
interesting site but for those who judge a book by it's cover they're
going to pass it by as some evil, Satanist shit, but I think that's
what the author intended.
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD from sucking the farts out dead pigeons or by
sending an empty email to v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
If you have something you'd like to see in vd or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or just want to scream at someone, send a note to
v_d@iname.com
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content and offspring are inbred backward
assed country fart king wannabes that are copyrighted up through where
the sun don't shine...And we don't mean Kansas.
Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth -
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
because they're the only one's who'll have us.
Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com
Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Walk softly but carry a loud fart.
Next issue October 13/98
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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