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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 16 march 2:99
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 16 vol. 1 march 2/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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T h e r e a r e 3 0 4 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . .
In this issue:
DISCLAIMERSHITE
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
HORROR - BY MORBUS
NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY
MEDIASHITE - BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE
EXTRATERRESTRIAL AERONAUTICS WORKSHOP
FIND THE BIRDSHITE AND CIRCLE IT
ETC
:: DISCLAIMERSHITE ::
To those of you that let me know of your dislike, and to all of you who
didn't but were still offended by the bullshit, sexist, degrading
homearts.com advert automatically tagged onto the footer of the last
issue, I apologize. Unfortunately these little blurbs, which I have no
control over the content of, are the price one pays for a "free"
service. If the adverts really bother ya, send a flood of email to the
offenders and tell 'em so. I'll try adding a whole bunch of hard
returns to the end of this issue to see if the advert is tagged on way
down at the bottom where it will be unseen - unless you want to go
looking for it. Then it's your fault if you're offended...
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "joys of parenthood" or the "looks like chocolate but
sure as hell don't smell like chocolate" issue. WARNING: The following
contains graphic descriptions that may offend some readers. If bodily
functions make you squeamish skip this intro. 'Nuff said. Here we go...
My 5 year old son went to bed the other night wearing just a an old
T-shirt of mine (he doesn't like pyjamas). As he climbed the wooden
hill (stairs for the uninitiated) he asked if he sleep in our (mom &
dad's) bed until we go to bed. I said sure. A few hours later I went up
to check on all 3 kids. As I opened the door to our bedroom I got hit
with a furnace like in-yer-face-shitwall-smell-o-rama, no need to
scratch and sniff diarrhoea. Uh oh I thought. What an understatement. I
flicked on the lights and there was my son sound asleep, sweating
bullets with a fever, lying a huge assed puddle of liquid shit. All
over him, the sheets, the comforter, it was like a Dali painting gone
bad. Even the cat gave me a disgusted look and ran back down the
stairs. I almost didn't know where to begin. Having to forcibly turn
off my nasal receptors proved impossible and seeing as I don't own a
gas mask, I had but one choice - take a deep breath of good hallway air
and run in there grabbing him up in one fell swoop....yeah only in the
movies. In real life he was so zonked that he wouldn't wake up and when he
did he didn't realize what had happened and started heading for his
bedroom bouncing into a couple of walls and door frames, leaving uh,
liquid skid marks along the way. I finally got him corralled into the
bathtub and began the process of...restoration. In the mean time the
walls and I both got a new paint job of liquid shit and all I could
think of is how could something that looks like melted chocolate smell
so fucking vile. I almost had to puke myself from the smell. I felt
real sorry for my son. Poor little guy. He was half conscious sitting
there in the tub saying "why does this have to happen?" with the
bewildered innocence that only 5 year olds can muster. So two baths for
him, one shower for me and three loads of laundry later we were clean
again. Yuck. Ah yes, the joys of parenthood...
This issue marks, well, it actually marks nothing. Sorry. Wait, I know,
it marks just over 6 months now that VD has been sending these things
out every 2 weeks. And every two weeks the readership slowly but surely
increases. God knows why. Even those who profess to hate us still stay
subscribed. We're either doing something right or they're really fucking
stupid. But thanks anyways. Love us or hate as long as you subscribe -
we're not proud.
Do you ever feel that you are in a position, say as a writer/editor of
a zine, where you really should be saying something but you have
nothing to say? Uh huh? Me too. Say, did you ever feel that you are...
Actually now that Siskel (of Siskel & Ebert) has kicked the bucket I
can tell you a little about an exciting new project that Morbus and I
are going to be collaborating on (in reality it has nothing to do with
movies or Siskel but seeing I heard some news story about him I figured
it was a sign and at the very least a cheap ass, yellow journalism style
tie in, you know - using a pseudo celebrity's death for shameless
self promotion - see, I told ya we're not proud...). Well, actually
there's nothing more I can say about the project right other than if
Morbus and I were Siskel and Ebert, he'd be Siskel 'cause he's like dead.
It's one of those wait and see things but here's a clue: WWOAPASS
Attention Mr. and Mrs. America and all ships at sea...this just in...
ANTI-PRESS EZINE #05 A February E-dition is now available for your
reading pleasure. Read all about Spider-Goat and Canadians trading in
our currency for US foodstamps to buy beer and TV's...uh huh. As always
A-P has written an entertaining, witty/angry issue that takes aim at
everything from comic guy extraodinaire Stan Lee to the (unachievable)
American Dream. Go there. Now. Jump on the bandwagon before everyone
else catches on to this very cool zine and beats you to it. You'll be
glad you did. To subscribe to A-P send an email to Antipress1@aol.com
with the subject line reading "Subscribe, Please" (without the quotes)
and the body text stating where you heard about A-P (e.g. "read about
it on VD" (without the quotes again)). On the web they can be viewed
at: http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/anti-press.htm
And one more... No Frills Of Our Lives has become a CoNmix strip. Check
out http://www.capnasty.org/conmix/index.html to see NFOOL brought to life
in vivid black and white... Morbus says "it's way better than canned tuna
and half the fat..."
Enjoy...
:: QUOTABLE ::
"It is not the function of the government to keep the citizen from
falling into error; it is the function of the citizen to keep the
government from falling into error."
- U.S. Supreme Court Justice Robert H. Parker,
Submitted by Studio Guillotine
"Jesus didn't die for my sins. It's in the bible. Mark Chap 34 vs. 10.
'I died for the sins of the world, except Leandro's.' vs. 11 'So don't
bother telling him about it. He's been briefed.'"
-Jason MacIsaac
""There's nothing good in your lousy ezine. Write something that's worth
stealing."
Our reply: Naw, we're going to keep writing crap so that you'll have
nothing to rip-off. That way you'll be stuck with only your loud mouth
and limp dick."
-Anti-Press in response to a reader's bitchmail
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other
bastard die for his."
-George S. Patton, Jr.
"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?"
-Homer Simpson
"Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it."
-Marshall Mcluhan
Those last 3 quotes I raided from Disobey.com's quote script thingy
located at: http://www.disobey.com/detergent/quote.htm
:: HORROR - BY MORBUS ::
IT LIVES AGAIN
Lemme tell ya something: I like sequels who have the same cast members
and are created by the same person who did the original. And that's
something you'll find with IT LIVES AGAIN from Larry Cohen, a sequel of
his original IT'S ALIVE (earlier reviewed within these pages). Because
of this, I was not surprised when this movie rated high with me, just
like it's predecessor.
The Davis father is back again, helping the parents of babies like his
own. Apparently, after the baby born in Seattle was killed at birth (we
learn of it's coming at the end of the first movie), there was the
Scott's baby (also killed at birth), and then two more which turned out
to be duds. But as a fourth baby is on it's way, we learn of the
special "team" of people which has been organized to kill the
"monsters".
As the fourth is born successfully, we find out there are two more
holed up in a makeshift house / laboratory / nursery. The movie quickly
gets underway as the two babies and the newly born escape from their
cages (where they were going to be raised) and start wrecking havoc on
those who fear and hate them.
Sadly, even the Davis father dies as a baby he is holding gets
frightened. I felt exactly the same when Randy died from SCREAM 2.
Finally, as the movie finishes, the terror seems over.
This movie improves in a number of ways. The babies are supposedly born
due to man's polluted environment (according to the box cover). The
babies have the intelligent at birth of a 21 month old child. They can
reproduce within 7 months. Of the three we see in this movie, two were
male, one was female. And finally, in a kick ass ending, we find the
Scott father (the third family to have a mutant child) approaching an
expectant couple...
I dunno. These movies aren't that quick, nor gory. I just love em. Even
if everyone tells me the third movie (IT'S ALIVE 3: ISLAND OF THE
ALIVE) is a horrible piece of tripe, I'd still buy it.
:: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY ::
This is a reprint of a classic NFOOL column originally featured in
Capital of Nasty ezine.
A Catalogue of Grocery Customer Species
with comments and suggestions by Jeff Wright
All of you have been at one time done your shopping in a grocery store.
When you go there all you notice are the high prices, the long lines at
the cashes, and of course, the rude grocery clerks. If you worked in a
grocery store like I do, you would start to be a little nicer to the
employees, knowing all the abuse they have to put up with customers.
Many of you think that because you are a paying customer, you have to
get everything you want, the way you want it. That's not true. So, I
wrote a little listing of categories of people I have to put up with.
Chances are you might fit into one of them. Chances are I hate you.
Everyone's Best Friend
EBF is one goddamned bastard that finds it necessary to share his
personal life with unsuspecting grocery clerks. Doesn't matter if the
grocery clerk is a new guy or someone who has told them off several
times before, he will calmly proceed in informing them of their back
pain, of how well their nephew is doing in school, or some useless
piece of trivia. EBF also finds it necessary to inform the staff why he
is buying some item "I just love this type of lasagna, and since I have
family coming over and they love lasagna, I just thought that I'd buy
lasagna, although that brand over there is not so good, in fact last
time I had it I had some terrible pains and went to the washroom for
most of the night and..." How a clerk reacts to an EBF usually depends
by how long the clerk has been in the store, and how many times he has
had to endure the same guy. A fresh new clerk will stand there and
politely smile and nod, the "customer is always right" line still
ringing through his head. A veteran will probably contemplate murder
(or suicide) or if in a really bad mood tell the customer where to go.
EBF's favourite phrase (usually when they find out that the total of
their groceries is $19.76) "nineteen seventy-six! That was a great
year!"
The Complainer
The Complainer is as common as wheels on a car. Usually of the female
sex, their only joy is to find something to complain about in order to
make other's lives as miserable as theirs. The complainer will usually
complain about stupid stuff, like a tomato over there has turned one
zillionth of a shade darker, therefore it has gone bad, or that the
milk's expiry date is on the other side. Or, if the milk has the expiry
date on the facing side, that the milk's label is in French and that we
are not in Quebec (for those that don't know, Canada is supposedly
bilingual: French and English. Each product therefore must carry a
bilingual label so that they can be sold in the French speaking
province of Quebec). Usually they will go to a manager and complain
that we should face all our labels on the English side.
The Complainer is usually more visible when they go to the express cash
with more than eight items, tell the cashier they are paying customers
and are in a hurry and demand to pay with a cheque or (worse) with
endless change. The Complainer can usually be spotted complaining to a
friend how some products are 8 cents cheaper at the other store.
Unfortunately they will never go and actually shop there to make the
staff of this store happy.
Clueless
These are the same folks that when they drive they make a turn and
don't signal, or as soon as the light turns green, they signal to turn
left. Doesn't matter how many times Clueless has been to the store,
they will still find it necessary to ask where something is. A typical
encounter is usually in front of the dairy section, where clueless will
ask the clerk in charge of the milk, where the milk is located in the
store. They usually carry a list with them with items they need and
will ask help from a clerk in finding some unreadable item from it.
Clueless is also the type of person that is unable to read a sign:
CL: How much is this?
CG: (pointing at 4 feet by 6 feet yellow sign with a large black $1.99
written on it) "$1.99, sir."
Clueless usually giggles and they make some comment that they couldn't
see the sign.
Clueless are quite common when trying to free a buggy. Although each
cart has a label with precise instructions written for a Grade 5 mind,
and diagrams are posted on the wall on how to insert the quarter to
free the buggy, Clueless can be seen pushing the quarter in just about
anyway except the right one while giggling hysterically.
Cheap Bastard
There are two categories of cheap bastard. Looks fine, smells fine or
looks dirty, smells just as bad. The former is usually an older person
(see Starved for Attention), who after done their shopping, ask for
someone to help them carry their grocery to the car. At the car they
will ask you to load the groceries in the trunk. Done so, they want you
to bring them the quarter used to free the buggy back. After that, they
pocket the quarter and leave. The latter usually is seen lurking around
the reduced bin section, examining carefully each damage package and
complaining they are too expensive.
A typical conversation with a Cheap Bastard of the latter section
usually falls like this:
CB: How much is this?
GC: 2.99.
CB: 2.59?
GC: No, 2.99
The cheap bastard will usually go to a clerk with a broken package and
ask for it to be reduced. Cheap bastard also has an amazing memory as
they can remember the price of each item they bought, so they can make
sure the cashier is keying in the right price. If the Cheap Bastard
thinks he has been overcharged 3 cents on some item, he will complain
to the cashier, who will call a clerk for a price check. 9 times out of
10 the price is the one that the girl has entered. The Cheap Bastard
will mutter something like "well, the signs are not too clear, I
couldn't tell..". The Cheap Bastard's favourite line can be heard if by
chance some item does not scan properly: "well, I guess it's free!"
They will laugh at this as if it was the funniest thing on earth.
Trash
This type of customer only arrives on the 27th of each month. They are
here to cash their welfare check and it is impossible not to notice
them. Dirty and usually surrounded by a particular aroma as if they
haven't washed for over a week. Trash usually have 3 or 4 kids
(trashlings) who run around the store, opening boxes and creating
havoc, no matter how much the trash yells at them with threats of
beatings and killing. Although most are ignorant and uneducated, trash
generally are nice, although they can be heard yelling to their
companion across the other side of the store to grab some more Kraft
Dinner. Trash never buys essentials such as toothpaste or deodorant.
Lazy
Lazy usually is a customer that not only expects to find everything
they want the moment they arrive but that when they find it, they
expect the underpaid, understaffed and overworked clerk to carry their
grocery around for them. They are also the only ones that ask for
something like prune juice and buy an entire case of it, and then
demand that the box is rewrapped for them with some sturdy tape. Lazy
usually is quite bitter (see The Complainer) and if the service is not
up to their standards they will usually make life hell for the poor
clerk they have intercepted and complain to the manager.
There is also the semi-lazy. These bastards don't do all their
shopping, then have the cashier make one of us clerks go get some more
stuff for them, that may have been in the last aisle. Much to far for
them to walk with their delicate feet.
Calculator Person
Usually falls under the category of Cheap Bastard, however the
Calculator Person is usually a financial wizard that will bring with
them only $14 and change, while their buggy is holding more than $100
worth of groceries. Once they get to cash, they will calculate the
costs together with the cashier and have her remove certain items to
keep everything well within the budget. Guess who ends up bringing most
of the stuff they left behind back?
The Helper
Usually they mean no harm, but they can be more annoying then anyone
else around the store. They seem to find a need to help every member of
the staff, like holding the door for them when they are bringing
something in (although the doors open by themselves), helping another
guy put stock on the shelf, or just about anything that might get them
killed. The Helper is convinced that he can make the world better for
everybody else, and that his knowledge is above everyone else's. The
Helper can be found lurking around the buggies in the desperate attempt
to find someone unable to free one, or when a cashier is having
trouble, asking the very dangerous question: "Did you type the numbers
correctly? Here let me check..."
The Helper will also help the cashier by personally handing to her each
item. The Helper completes his visit by ripping out the receipt from
the cash-register by himself, usually when the machine is not yet done
printing. These type of customers are fortunately rare.
Starved for Attention
SFA are usually elders that are in desperate need of company. SFA seem
to get a kick out of entering a conversation between two clerks or to
send some wise crack about working (i.e., clerk is drinking water from
a bottle, SFA will usually say "Did you substitute that water with
Vodka? Hee hee"). SFA also seem to always be in need of something. A
hand grabbing an item at stomach's height, reading the labels because
they are blind (or so they claim, but they seem to be able to recognize
us right away) or bagging their groceries in different bags, usually
divided in size, weight, perishable, geometric shape and location in
the fridge.
SFA are very careful with their budget. Overcharging a SFA of 1 or 2
cents will cause them to call the manager and complain that they have
been robbed.
The Substitute
The Substitute is usually someone who doesn't do grocery shopping on a
regular basis. Completely unable to navigate around the store (see
Clueless), they tend to come up to a grocery clerk and with a long list
in their hands ask for the most absurd items (some of them which are
usually not even in a grocery store, like shoe polish). When learning
that the item they are searching for cannot be found here, the
Substitute will ask where he can find it and if the clerk happens to
know of another store, what type they carry, if it's in stock and how
much it costs.
English as a Second Language
ESL is usually fresh off the boat and discovering for the first time
the beauty of a grocery store, apparently quite a rarity from their
original country of origin. ESL will speak to a clerk in their native
language expecting them to understand what they are looking for. When
the clerk returns the favour with a clueless look, ESL will keep talking
by making the gesture of eating something. Removing all the
aisles where there are only items that are to be spread or drank, we
find ourselves with 6 and a half aisles of possibilities or over 3,500
different products. Eventually by dragging the customer to a staff
member that speaks the same language, can an ESL be fully served. Some
ESL will attempt speaking in English requesting some strange item: by
listening carefully and asking strategic questions (do you drink it? Is
it for cleaning?) one can determine what it is for. At other times ESL
will ask for something that is found in the product (in one case
looking for a kaboo. After about half an hour I discovered she was
referring to a box of cereals with Batman's tattoos inside). ESL are
usually nice, although there are ones where will ask for something
(like "cofa") and when you finally realize they mean coffee (this
usually arrives with the comment: "Oh! Coffee!" as joy fills your body)
they will get upset that you are making fun of their accent, call you
racist and go to the manager and complain. ESL can usually be found
asking if the product contains eggs or any other animal product.
The Perfect Customer
This one usually comes like a rarity. They are understanding, ask
questions politely and don't bother sharing their personal lives with
the staff. Can perfectly understand that we might be out of stock on
some item. Doesn't tell clerks how to do their jobs. Doesn't complain
if the store is extremely busy and although all the cashiers are open,
that there are line ups. Lastly the Perfect Customer is happy with the
way things are and doesn't want them to change. Unfortunately this type
of customer is in danger of extinction and is hardly seen anymore in
their natural urban habitats.
Based on the writings of Ted "I'm Not Bitter" Kaufman
http://www.ao.net/~ted/
rewritten and edited by Goatboy
:: MEDIASHITE BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE ::
Considering editors of the main stream press are generally a bunch of
bent over gutless yes men, it's important to look to the alternative
press for accurate reporting.
I have consistently found stories on current issues there so much more
informative that if printed in the mainstream press would have surely
reversed public opinion.
Who is more likely to give us the truth? A paper who's livelihood
depends on keeping corporate sponsors happy and owners who want to play
politics without having to win an election or a paper that was formed
out of the compassion of individuals for justice in our time?
WELL DUH!
Some Studio Guillotine recommended sites:
Rancho Runnamukka
http://www.accessone.com/~rivero/
Znet
http://www.lbbs.org/ZNETTOPnoanimation.html
The Big Eye
http://www.bigeye.com/index.html
MotherJones
http://bsd.mojones.com/
or
http://www.motherjones.com/index.html
This has been an unpaid for public service announcement from Studio
Guillotine.
:: EXTRATERRESTRIAL AERONAUTICS WORKSHOP ::
Last week I received this note below from the Instagon mailing list
(instagon@netcom.com) and even though the date of the event has past I
thought I would pass it on as it made me laugh and it sounds like what
ever they are planning will be a hoot...
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 13:42:41 -0800
From: LA Cacophony <la@cacophony.org>
To: la-cacophony@egroups.com
Subject: [la-cacophony] Build a UFO!
EXTRATERRESTRIAL AERONAUTICS WORKSHOP
Friday, February 26, 8 p.m.
Today, the Cacophony Research And Potential Prank Institute (CRAPPI)
hosts an experimental workshop where we'll prepare ideas and technology
for a future Cacophony UFO prank disorganized on a national scale. If
you have access to Top Secret US Government designs for interplanetary
spacecraft, or have been an alien abductee and can recall schematics
for anti-gravity technology (hypnosis optional) be sure to contact us.
For the rest of you, we have a design for a craft (and helium tanks)
but your ideas or donated materials (Mylar, light sticks, joggers'
lights) are most welcome.
Even better BYOUFO! BYOB too!
INFO: (213) 694-2478 or e-mail Dan at dknauf@benefitsys.com
MATERIAL FEE: $5, waived if you bring your own UFO.
:: FIND THE BIRDSHITE AND CIRCLE IT ::
I was shopping for some food (no not at No Frills...) and I found what
follows scrawled on a piece of paper sitting on the pasta shelf. I
figured I'd exercise VD's 'clearing house' claim (so don't bother
sending any 'what the fuck was that' bitch notes) and share it with
y'all and maybe even offer some stupid prize (to be named later) to the
first person who sends in the correct answers.
Find the Bird (in the sentences below and)
CIRCLE IT
ROBIN LARK SWAN
OWL STARLING HAWK
HERON EAGLE CROW
SWALLOW
1. The new microwave is on the counter.
2. That particular kind of yoghurt is my favourite.
3. A mother can recognize a gleam in her child's eye.
4. Now, let your team mate have a chance.
5. The pigs wallowed in the mud on the farm.
6. The spring thaw killed the crops.
7. I just saw her on her bike.
8. The puppies want to go outside and run.
9. The throb in my leg is caused by a muscle strain.
10. Madonna, a music star, lingered on the stage.
Remember, I didn't write it - I just found it.
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD, including vocal chord chlamydia, in many various ways -
be creative. And if anyone asks just say the cat's got your tongue. But if
you want VD delivered to your mailbox by sending an empty email
to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you don't want any of those fancy assed diseases, or if
you just fucking hate us, then please, please send an empty email to:
v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com
Pretty simple huh? Even that banjo playing freak from Deliverance can
figure it out.
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth -
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
because Morbus spelled backwards is subroM.
Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com
Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Studio Guillotine appears courtesy of Studio Guillotine
Next issue March 16/99
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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