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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 10 december 8:98
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 10 vol. 1 december 8/98
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
THE PHYSICS OF HELL - SUBMITTED BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE
THE REEF
HORROR - BY MORBUS
NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY
WEBSHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "down under" issue. Why down under you ask? Well two
reasons. 1) When checking the activity logs of the mailserver I noticed
that all the latest subscribers were from Australia or New Zealand and
2) I received a contribution about Hell and one about comparing No
Frills employees to God (so I figured Goatboy was going to Hell) and to
my mind there was a "things down under" theme naturally building here, so
let's ride it out and see where it takes us. The first thing I think of
is though, why the influx of Aussey and NZ subscribers? I don't know
but I'm glad they're here. Welcome aboard people. And the second thing
I think of is what's with all this Hell and God stuff? Well, why not?
After all we are approaching the millennium where a lot of zealots are
predicting biblical gloom and doom up the ying yang, so let's jump on
the bandwagon while it's still going slow enough to jump off again
without getting hurt... So there you have it. I managed to pull
together a theme out of nothing. Woohoo I feel like Morbus (cruel
elitist "we are just tools of our own inside jokes" inside joke - uh
yeah).
This issue marks the first of hopefully many submissions from a
contributor known as Studio Guillotine. So you blame the Hell stuff on
them if you like. They can be reached via pgarayt@yorku.ca
I would like to take this space to publicly thank GOATBOY for pleading
my hard luck out-of-server-space for my other publication - The
Annihilation Fountain - to one MR. GARD of www.scriba.org, who has
graciously given TAF a new home. The move hasn't happened yet as there
is a lot of revamping of pointers, links, etc., to be done on my part,
but it will in the very near future. The new URL will be
www.capnasty.org/taf 1000 thank-you's to both GARD & GOATBOY! May your
cups always runeth over...
Also for you Antipress fans out there - Antipress 3 was released last
week. It's chock full of wonderful positive notions about things that
are negative.... Subscribe to it at Antipress1@aol.com or check it out
online at http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/anti-press.htm
Enjoy the issue...or don't. I don't want to tell anyone what to do.
:: QUOTABLE ::
"Everyone should have VD-- even the Pope."
-ANTI-PRESS EZINE #02
"Trickle Down Greedonomics is a theory that if Robber Barons are
allowed to plunder more than they can carry, some of it will spill
over and trickle on the lower classes so they can save some of their
minimum wages." Pro-S.O.C.S. 1996
:: THE PHYSICS OF HELL - SUBMITTED BY STUDIO GUILLOTINE ::
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or
endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students
wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant.
One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell,
lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in
hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls
and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower
rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and
pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course,
if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes
over.
:: THE REEF ::
School of Wicca - This is an information package I received from the
School Of Wicca, located in New Bern NC., which, according to the
literature is "the world's first Witchcraft correspondence course,
founded in 1969." OK. The founders of the Church and School of Wicca
are Gavin and Yvonne Frost, who, we are told in the opening line of
both of their bio's, are a Scorpio and an Aries respectively. This info
may or may not help a reader make their decision to enroll, who knows?
One thing is made quite clear though, they "ARE NOT SATANISTS."
The reader is also informed that "a student of the School of Wicca
recently performed a simple money spell in the living room. The next
day he received a payraise and a bonus." Yeah. Included with the
package is a course synopsis, which includes a free paper protective
pentacle. Probably my favorite bit in this package is on the "Costs and
Payments" page. The basic fee is $120.00, which is a reasonable fee I
guess to learn how to cast spells and what not, but among the cash,
credit card payment options is this: "Payment in Kind (for students
whose governments forbid currency exchange)...We prefer things that can
readily be sold, such as gold or unset jewel stones." And they cover
payment from prisoners, minors, from foreign nations... Considering
there out of 5 pages in this package one entire page is devoted to
payment methods, I wonder if maybe they should perform one of those
money spells in their living room....or maybe they did and it told
them to offer mail order Whitchcraft courses...
:: HORROR - BY MORBUS ::
Bug
Was walking to get some breakfast one morning when I noticed that a
video store had "500 movies for sale - 4.99 to 7.99!" Well, not one to
miss an opportunity, I walked in, walked out with a handful, and will
be going back tonight.
BUG, one of the movies I acquired, has a special place in my heart.
When I was young, I remember seeing this movie on TV, and being scared
shitless. Seeing the bug go from the phone to the ear of the woman, I
remember the channel flipper getting a workout.
That scene remained hidden in my memory, yet immediately jumped forward
when the box cover of BUG so adequately still shotted it: a woman
screaming as the flaming ass of a bug heated up the handset.
Years later, BUG is still entertaining if not for it's menace, but from
the fact that the menace disappears midway through the movie. Yes, even
as the fearsome earthquake rips the ground asunder and the bugs come
out and cause havoc, they slowly begin to die off naturally, as the
pressure is too much.
The menace ends quite innocently, quickly and efficiently. Of course,
we forgot about the "bug guy", who is so saddened by their deaths that
he goes to the hole in the ground where they came from and gives a
final goodbye. And then...
We all knew one of them would still be around. We now focus on the "bug
guy", keeping his little friend alive in a pressure chamber, and
breeding the so called "fire bug" with a male cockroach. And then, all
of a sudden, the babies from the successful breeding will only eat raw
meat. Raw meat? "And it seems they will only eat as a single unit".
Great, now we have Man-Eating, Fire-Setting, Half-Cockroach,
Half-Someth... Wait. Dammit... that's INDESTRUCTIBLE, Man-Eating,
Fire-Setting, Half-Cockroach, Half-Something Elses.
Happily, the bugs evolve again. We've now got Indestructible,
Man-Eating, Fire-Setting, INTELLIGENT Half-Cockroach, Half-Something
Elses Who Can't Be Killed By Pressure. They can cling to the walls and
spell out frightening phrases such as "Parmiter XYZ" and "We Live" with
their bodies. FINALLY, the "bug guy" thinks he has gone to far, and
decides to try and kill them.
And of course, they've grown more powerful than you could possibly
imagine. As the movie draws to a close, the I.M.E.F.S.I.H.C.H.S.E can
now fly! (I.F.M.E.F.S.I.H.C.H.S.E.) Mankind can not possibly hope to
kill these things.
And we learn he doesn't have to. They all go away. End of movie.
Watchable, but not horrible or good, BUG is a rental, and not an ownal.
:: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY ::
If God was your Grocery Clerk...
It seems to me that many folks out there are frustrated. Maybe they're
upset because they didn't get laid last night. Or they got a parking
ticket. Or because they expect life to be all roses and violets and
are upset when something goes awry for them.
So what do the fuckers do? They take it out on anyone they consider
lower than themselves. And for some reason, in this fucked up society
we live in, people who do such jobs as waiters or grocery clerks are
considered the lowest denomination by these bastards that believe they
deserve everything, including their box of macaroni and cheese on a
silver platter.
Take the other day at the store for example. I am minding my own
business, waiting for time to pass so I can go home. A woman walks up
to me and starts to bitch.
"I want to speak to your manager!"
"Madame, there is no manager on Sunday. I am the most senior staff
you'll find here today, and I am also in charge of running the store.
Is there anything I can help you with?"
This is where the big, friendly, kiss my ass smile comes into place. It
tells them off, but with style. This way they get upset more and
hopefully start screaming. They'll complain that you were smiling and
that offended them. That's usually all the security guard needs to hear
to know he has to get rid of the loonie.
But she didn't scream and kept going about the price of pork. It had to
be half of what we sold it for and she wasn't going to buy it unless we
reduced the price, otherwise she'd go to another store.
Now, honestly, does it look like I give a rat's ass about you shopping
in this store or not? In fact, if you went shopping elsewhere, I'd be
so happy. I just don't get this threat.
"Madam, I am not the meat manager, so I don't know how the pricing for
the pork works exactly. You'll have to come tomorrow and question him,
since he's off today."
"Well, I want that pork's price chopped! You work here so you do it!
You are here to serve me!"
"Madame, I am not the meat manager--"
"Yes, I heard you, but you are here to serve me and I pay for your
paycheck, so I want my pork's price reduced! Now!"
This is where I lose my patience and my testicles start flipping in my
pants. You can actually hear them. They make a "voom voom voom" noise.
If it's really bad they start humming.
"Madame do you believe in God?"
This had the effect of stunning her. She looked at me puzzled.
"Y-yes.. but what does this have to do with the price of pork?"
"I'll get there. Do you believe God is your servant?"
"No, of course not, but--"
"God serves us but is not our servant. Would you agree?"
"Yes, but--"
"Now, if God doesn't help us, we of course are not going to get upset
because we wasted many hours of praying and got nothing out of it,
correct?"
She had given up by now arguing about the pork, but she still wasn't
going to leave.
"Yes, but I don't see how this--"
"Now, I am a grocery clerk. I am in charge of running this store when
the manager is not here. I am here to ensure customer satisfaction. I
am here to serve. Correct?"
"Whatever! Listen, I want my pork's price chopped and if you want me
satisfied you are going to do it or I will have to complain to whoever
runs this place!!"
"You see, I can't do that. I am not a servant nor your slave. I am here
to serve yes, but it's not because you shop here and because you pay
for my cheque. It's because I work here. Now if you like our pork's
price or not or if you are going to shop here or not, honestly, it
doesn't make my day any different. You treat me with respect the same
way you treat your God with respect. Have a nice day."
And I left her there in the aisle with the most beautiful expression I
had ever seen.
You know, I seriously felt proud.
:: WEBSHITE ::
The Puppetmaster's Web Page -
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Rampart/6258/sixshooter.html
What is the Puppetmaster you ask? Well, I'm not going to tell you...
Other than to say there have been 5 movies, 11 puppets and 4
PuppetMasters. This site is comprehensive and even has a section
(Puppet Wars) for complaining to the studio in charge to lower the
video prices. The "Continuity Errors in Puppet Master" is an
interesting section to read...they don't really make continuity errors
in modern movie sequels do they?!?! Nah...couldn't be. For what it's
worth Six-Shooter (Height 2'4", Weight 7 lbs., Former Identity: ??
Appearances: 3,4,5, and 6) has always been my favourite. I'm partial to
the western cowboy image, even if he does have six arms.
Computer Incident Advisory Capability (CIAC) Internet Hoax page -
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
Having received so many 'well meaning' warnings from friends (and
managers) about computer viruses that can delete my hard drive, eat my
children, sever my penis, etc., I figured this would be a great page to
let people know about. It lists both real and bogus computer virus
names and even has copies of the messages sent around the net. So if
you get a PenPal or Good Times, or Bill Gates wants to give you $1000
type of message, check with this page before you send off to everyone
in your address book. Trust me, people will like you better for it. And
besides if it was your manager who, in a blind panic, stupidly sent off
some bogus alert you can be the one to 'politely' inform them (and cc
everyone they sent the note to as well) of what a techno-knob they are.
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD from drinking from old Foster's cans found under the
the local No Frills loading dock or by sending an empty email to
v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you've had your dose and don't want no more, send an
empty email to v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com
Pretty simple huh?
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or get your own damn zine.
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Viewer Discretion is archived excluZZZZZively at Low Bandwidth -
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
becauZZZe MorbuZZZZ hateZZZZ the ZZZZZZZZ people as much as I do.
Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com
Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Studio Guillotine appears courtesy of pgarayt@yorku.ca
And remember, uh, I forget...
Next issue December 22/98
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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