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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 17 Feb. 29:00
__ __
\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 17 vol. 2 Feb. 29/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM
DEFINITIONS BY MORBUS
STATISTICAL SHITE
REPUBLICAN SHITE FOR BRAINS
SPECIAL A-P SECTION
RESULTS OF THE WIN A DATE WITH MORBUS CONTEST
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "lazy assed editor" issue. Huh? This a cheap assed ploy to
use what you, Dear Reader, have sent into VD as the intro rather than
think of something witty myself to type here. So here goes, and remember,
if this issue sucks, it's your fault <g>.
New subscriber to VD Brendan H.'s cup ranneth over as such:
>Subject: Whirl-and-Hurl.
>The answer is ihateyou.com
>No, I hate you. I've got work to do and you interrupt me with a fucking
>whirl-and-hurl (or whatever.)
>(And I just subscribed a few days ago.)
>(This makes me a moron doesn't it...)
>Damn busted.
>Shnibble
>God, how did I find this shit?
Shnibble?!?! Oh wait. That was you in the thong in the ihateyou.com
image wasn't it? All I can say about this note is that you're never alone
with a schizophrenic. As to your question of "how did I find this shit?",
that's kind of like having a mouth full of shit and asking *us* what it
tastes like. You tell us bucko. You tell us. <g>
And yet another new reader, one Michael S. also spewed forth:
>I knew before I even clicked on it that http://www.ihateyou.com was the
>real URL.
Dude, you just gave us all *way* too much info about yourself...
VD's favourite Texan, bunniee wabbit, added this to the mix:
>www.ihateyou.com is the real URL. I only glanced at the page, 'cause I
>can't be looking at men's nekkid butts here at work.
>yay
No one can say "nekkid" quite like you Texas <g> Hmmm, how do you say
"nekkid" in Icelandic? (stupid inside joke).
The New Hampshire Stud Puppy Morbus spoketh:
>>from New Hampshire, that serial killer with a love gun for his weapon,
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Holy fucking shit, haven't even gotten through the editorial and I'm
>already laughing my ass off ;) bwabababa
Glad we amused someone. Sheesh, tough audience last week.
And the ever present Angie C. spewed forth thusly about last issue:
>waaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaa!
>ihateyou.com is the real McCoy, man.
>what's with that! i'm here at work and i get a fucking sex pop-up.
>gotta be fast on the "X" trigger, man.
>well, this sucks. here i sit, intrigued, yet hindered by workplace
>policy. i can't even carry out a proper investigation of this pop-up.
>*sigh*
>oh well, some things are better savoured from home, anyway.
Bingo! and as usual Angie C. wins the prize. It was sent to her the same
day the issue came out - better than UPS or what? I'm sure you could get
one the studpuupies in your office to wiggle their butts and "pop-up" for
you if asked... <g> After receiving the fabulous prize Angie had these
words of excrement, er excitement:
>hahahaaa!
>got it
>
>thanks
>
>now THIS is a real prize!
She then when on to spew forth about Disobey.com's mentioning of her
Morbus-snot fixation from previous issues:
>heheh
>FAME!
>
>this is a real thrill....even if he inaccurately claims that "brassiere"
>is French for life jacket. we Canadians are so polite, we'll let him
>off. this time.
>
>but fuck with our second official language again and we pelt New
>Hampshire with pinatas shaped like his love gun.
Two peas and wet noodle? <g> You'd better trust Angie on this one Morbus
- she's bisex, er, bilingual.
And AFeXt was unusually quiet (thankfully - he's sucha freakin' run-on at
times <g>) with this single sentence reply:
>That image cannot get out!
Too late dude. You're secret is out. Angie now knows that you sent an ICQ
note to Morbus saying you wanted him. Uh huh.
Oh well, enough of that psilliness... In completely unrelated news, my 8
year old daughter Marika just got her green belt in Karate last Sunday.
Way to go kid! (Not that she reads VD but it's the thought that counts).
And in even less related news - I was channel surfin' on the tv last
weekend after watching the 11:00 news and happened upon this locally
produced show called seXtv. Deals with everything to do with sexuality,
actually it's a pretty good show. So this particular segment was dealing
with Barbie and sexuality and a documentary style film about that. They
were interviewing the filmmaker who related a story of a guy who kept
showing up in the emergency ward of his local hospital. Seems he liked
to swallow Barbie heads and then masturbate as he passed them through
his ass. Really. That's what she said. Sort of like plastic ben-wa balls
with hair I guess. At least we all know what AFeXT does in spare time now
<g>
And on that note...let's pass this puppy through a burning ring of fire
and see what's left to wipe...
:: QUOTABLE ::
"What's sexist in having your wife cook for you? I cook for my husband,
since Davinder has my testicles. heh."
-Goatboy
Me: Sasha, cover your mouth when you're coughing please.
Sasha: Why?
Me: So you don't spread germs or cough in someone's face.
Sasha: Do we cover our bums when we fart so they don't stink?
Me and Sasha (aged 3.5)
:: QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. ::
Yes, once again, more quotes from the Quotemiester himself, Mr Miller.
If you want to receive his quotes directly then send a note to:
amiller@teleport.com and tell him VD sent ya.
* Men *
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
there must be a beverage."
-Woody Allen
* Love *
JOAN : Talking about love is like dancing about architecture.
-From _Playing by Heart_ (1998)
"Take away love and our earth is a tomb."
-Robert Browning (1812-1889)
"Women don't make passes
At men who are asses."
-Jane Bartlett
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
love."
-Charlie Brown [RIP Schultz]
* Life *
"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more
certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie
through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but
through striving after rational knowledge."
-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
* Parenting *
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender."
-W.C. Fields
* Economics *
CHARLIE : Some of the poorest people I know are as broke as the Ten
Commandments.
-From _All Dogs Go to Heaven_ (1989)
"Money doesn't talk, it swears."
-Bob Dylan
"The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost
all your money."
-Anonymous
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
-J. Paul Getty
* Duh *
All you boys seemed to have learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing
dude."
-From _Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure_ (1989)
:: FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM ::
VIENNA, Austria (Reuters) -- An Austrian clothing chain is offering
shoppers $385 worth of free clothes if the customer enters the store
completely naked.
Streakers must make it as far as the checkout counter of any Kleider
Bauer outlet, where they will be greeted with a towel to cover up as well
as a voucher to buy clothes for the trip home, the department store said
in a statement Wednesday.
However, fearing an onslaught of shoppers from a nation not averse to
baring all in public, only the first five strippers of the day at each of
the 40 department stores are to be rewarded.
The offer runs from February 28 to March 18.
:: DEFINITIONS BY MORBUS ::
Today's word to be defined by Morbus is:
Butt Pirate
Someone who's a pain in the ass in the middle of conversations. Where
you're talking about something, and they go "Buuuuutttt...?" with that
inquisitive crescendo. You explain the first "But" and then they keep
going on and on. You want to fucking kill them, but you know that if you
do, all the other pirate's around with find out, and annoy you even more.
:: STATISTICAL SHITE ::
Here's some disturbing reality for y'all...(taken from article in MRR,
March 2000. stats compiled by Paul Cullen. Sources include UNDP, WHO,
UNICEF, Dataquest, Forbes, the Economist, and Transparency
International).
The world's richest 200 people are worth more than $1 trillion.
The world's top 3 billionaires are richer than all the least developed
countries and their 600 million people.
1 percent of the richest 200's wealth would pay for access to primary
education for all.
The top one-fifth of the world's people control 86 percent of the world
GDP, 82 percent of export markets, 74 percent of phone lines, the bottom
fifth control just one percent, the richest fifth is 74 times wealthier
than the lowest fifth.
Military spending in the world: $780 billion a year.
Organized crime grosses $1.5 trillion a year.
1.3 billion people live on less than $1 a day.
About 840 million people are undernourished.
One in five of the world's children of primary school age does not attend
school.
100 million people are homeless.
12 percent of people in the richest countries live in poverty.
2.6 billion people have no access to proper sanitation.
In New York City, 52 percent of children are born into poverty.
The average Bangladeshi would have to work more than eight years to pay
for a computer, the average American needs only one month's wage.
11 people are infected with HIV every minute, 95 per cent of cases occur
in developing countries.
There are 20 million refugees and displaced persons in the world.
Since 1970, 40 percent of the forests on earth have been depleted.
8,000-10,000 children are maimed or killed by land mines every year.
Wow, reality. What a bring down eh? Where are those little pink houses
for everyone?
:: REPUBLICAN SHITE FOR BRAINS ::
<anti American rant>
I just saw a news item on tv about Maryland Republicans holding a raffle
to raise funds for the local party. Nothing wrong with that right? Except
when 1st prise is a fucking semi-automatic handgun!?!?! Are you people
fucking nuts down there or what? A raffle to raise cash for a Government
party and the 1st prise is handgun? I can't say that enough times. I
can't believe it for one thing. How many fucking cases of morons becoming
morons with guns will it take for you wake up? There's a reason y'all
have the highest gun/handgun shooting/death rate on the planet - it's
because you all got the most guns!! Duh. I really hope the right wing
nationalist-patriotic-to-the-point-of-stupidity government types down
there really do erect a wall along the Canada/US border. It'll keep your
nuts out of my country. And to top things off about the raffle thing,
they interviewed the pencil-neck-geek who started the raffle thing and
he's this wimpy, weasely, middle-aged, viagra-sucking dork (read average
middle-aged right wing Yank) driving this huge-assed baby monster pick-up
truck and talking about having more raffles... I've never seen a more
blatantly obvious case of making up for an incredibly small dick before
on national tv.
</anti American rant>
Of course if they erect that wall, Morbus will still be allowed in Canada
because he's almost Canadian. But A-P, you can't come in anymore <g>.
Oh, and for the nuts south of the border who want to bitch at me for the
above bit - save your whining - I don't care. If I bother you that much
follow the unsubscribe instructions at the end of the issue.
:: SPECIAL A-P SECTION ::
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Run that by your lawyers dude, hehehehe. For everyone who's saying what
the hell is he on about? Nevermind. It's an inside joke. An it's juvenile
as hell to boot. <g>
:: RESULTS OF THE WIN A DATE WITH MORBUS CONTEST::
And the winner is....well, only one person actually submitted an entry so
I guess she wins by default. Anyways, Amy A. sent this beautiful little
bit of love/hateness to VD - inspired by the incredibly emotive writings
of Morbus in the last few issues no doubt...I'm getting all misty just
thinking about all the joy Morbus has brought into the world...sniff... So
here's her ode to Morb...
What Doth Make Morbus Tick?
"So you ask me how I think I know
Just what makes you tick
I know what I know y'know
I know you make me sick"
(Thanks to Ben Folds Five for the incredibly relevant lyric...)
What?!?! You mean that's not original? Why you fushing feif! Whatever...
Here's what the object of said poo-a-try, Morbus himself, had to say by
way of response:
You know, I'm very distressed that only one person wrote in a
entry for the "Win A ... ... Something With Morbus" contest.
Am I really that unexcitable that you wouldn't want to get to
know me? Am I really so hideous that one can't ignore the
skittery and halting typing to amuse me for just ONE hour?
Sniff. It hurts. Rosebud.
And look at the ONE entry I get! It's not even original! It's
some lyric from some crappy band (yes, crappy. double crappy.
triple crappachino with um latte ooh yeah). I mean, I'm sure
that Amy A. is a wonderful little person - perhaps she's my
calling (well, scratch that... none of my calling would
listen to Ben Folds Five).
But come on! Ok. Ok. You need more meat. How about... ...
insult Morbus! Yes! Everyone loves to insult Morbus! Ok.
Insult me! Make me feel like a member of Ben Folds Five!
Make me feel so conspicuously horrible that I run at the
sight of my own living room, repulsing with the fact that
I once sat there!
Make me feel special by ripping me apart like the rabid
dogs you wished you were when you were in school! Go ahead!
It's fun!
Hmmm...I don't Amy, I'd say you got off easy. But at least we have
another viewer participation item for y'all! Well, c'mon folks, lets
see who can insult Morbus the best - I'll even disqualify myself seeing
as I have lots of dirt on the man and I'm sure I could insult the living
bejezzus out him (in a nice way of course <g>). Anyways, send your Morbus
insults to v_d@iname.com - oh, and no more Ben Folds Five. Even VD has
standards.
:: MONKEYSHITE ::
Here's a direct steal from February 25th's Toronto Star newspaper:
MONKEY'S LILLED HERDER:PAPER
Thirsty Monkeys in drought-affected eastern Kenya stoned to death a
herder watering his livestock, a local newspaper reported yesterday.
Ali Adam Hussein and other herdsmen had stopped to water their cattle
at a pond in the northeastern Wajir district when a group of wild
monkeys attacked them with stones, the East African Standard said.
Monkey see, monkey do. Actually the monkeys all belonged to Charlton
Heston who was in the area setting up his new Planet Of The Apes theme
park. The monkeys thought the herder was good ole Chuck. Too bad it
wasn't - someone should hit him over the head with the butt of an NRA
rifle.
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate Morbus and want to send in cheap
ass stolen poetry, type it up and send it in a note to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: Johnny Cash - Greatest Hits
Fiona Apple - Tidal
Tom Waits - Bone Machine
Patti Smith - Horses
This issue is afterbirth.
Next issue March 14/00
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Morbus made me put this here - he threatened me with 5 pairs of handcuffs,
a pink vibrator and Ben Folds Five.
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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