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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 23 May 23:00
__ __
\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 23 vol. 2 May 23/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLES SUBMITTED BY BUNNIEE
Y2K FOOT-IN-MOUTH QUOTABLES
SHNIBBULAR SHITE - BY BRENDAN H.
LETTERS FROM GOATBOY
HEY MISTER FROG - BY BUNNIEE
ONE TRICK PONY - BY MITCH S.
UNDYING - RIPPED FROM ZENTERTAINMENT
RECENT EBAY PURCHASES
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "the artist formally known as Prince is now known as Prince
again but no showed up at his press conference he held to tell the world
because no one really gives a shite about that little mealy-mouthed-midget
porn star wannabe" issue. Although he has some kick ass early stuff, ever
since he went on his messiah trip he's been real fucking boring. You might
disagree but I don't really care - this is my zine and I can rip on who
ever I want...just ask Trailer park philosopher Mike B. from last issue.
<g>
The world will soon see Morbus' ugly white ass on screen as I financed a
webcam for him in exchange for some extremely tight, kick ass Perl coding.
If anyone out there needs incredible code work done for equally incredible
prices contact Morbus - he the freakin' Perl king!
In other news Bunniee has gotten a scanner...look out...or check out:
http://www.god-emil.dk/~bunniee/shhh/alligator.jpg
And VD hear's back from the one and only AFeXT - just before publication
this morning....
Oh, I realized the eZine idea was lame and decided
not to do it... If I was to do an eZine the way I'd
really want to do an eZine, it'd be a big rip off
of VD...
Hey, thanks. That's a great compliment!
Tell people to head to EB, though, the new format
of content is cool, and entertaining...
And make sure everyone signs the fucking guestbook
or I will murder and rape everyone's corpse.
Thats my new tagline. No, really.
Funny how I manage to murder corpses.
So that's that from AFeXT...whatever the hell it means...<g>
Anyways, onto what you, most valued reader, have spewed forth...
Regarding the factshite shite from last issue Michael S. spake:
Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.
There are plenty of animals that lack this ability,
such as snails, starfish, and assorted roadkill.
OK. I'll give you the roadkill one. But you know, come to think of it,
if you hit road at just the right angle and speed I've a raccoon carcus
jump a foot or two. And speaking of roadkill, this issue actually features
some amphibiant roadkill pooetry by Bunniee - check out Hey Mister Frog to
see if it jumps...
In the latest issue of Chico's Groove, Morbus had this to say:
TWO NEW VIEWER DISCRETIONS: As is typical, IGNORE the HYPE (his
real name will not be spoken - he is Canadian after all) has
wrought two new issues of Viewer Discretions. These stupid things
keep getting better. Sure wish there were more, like, bad ascii
art. Or something. No, I was not prompted to say that.
Morbus is the only guy I know who can be a complete dick while giving
someone a compliment. If you want more "bad ascii" Morbus then fucking
well contribute some. <g> He also ragged about Canadians a bit more as
well when talking about Goatboy's Capital of Nasty. But they weren't very
good insults. Not even worth repeating. Mike S. from last issue was much
better (and that's not saying much). <g>
I saw this really incredible item on the news that was perfect for VD but
now I forget what it was. Oh well, your loss.
And Nib was going to write this incredible piece but he didn't.
I haven't got any socks on and my fucking feet are freezing as I type
this. I hope y'all appreciate what I go through for you every two weeks.
<g> OK, I got socks on now but I'm still cold. Shit.
Anyways, let's roast this chestnut and see...hey speaking of chestnuts,
what do you call two nuts on your wall? Wallnuts! OK, what do you call two
nuts on your chest? Chestnuts! What do you call two nuts on your chin? A
blow-job! Where the fuck did that come from? Oh well, it can only get
better - right?
:: QUOTABLES ::
"I'm also annoyed that my boxers have lately found it humorous to find
the exact spot where my penis will fit through the slit, rubbing against
my pants like an annoying paper cut that won't go away. I think they
find it funny when I try to re-adjust myself. They keep at it though,
inwardly chuckling."
-Morbus (whose hung like a tadpole -Ed)
:: Y2K FOOT-IN-MOUTH QUOTABLES ::
I ripped these off from Wired or some other media entity... It's a bunch
of the best quotes that the Y2K fear mongers put into print and now have
to eat...
8:55 a.m. 4.Jan.2000 PST
PLAGUE: "Plague will follow shortly. Most of the inhabitants of the
northern cities will die within a matter of a few weeks, from cold,
disease, fires started in an attempt to keep warm, or random violence.
This is bad enough, of course, to qualify as a disaster ranking with the
Black Plague, if not the extinction of the dinosaurs."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, July 1999
WORSE THAN OTHER MODERN DISASTERS: "The Year-2000 phenomenon is clearly
such a jolt, and we believe that it will be much more pervasive and
serious than most of the [disasters] we've experienced in modern history."
-Ed and Jennifer Yourdon in Time Bomb 2000
EXTINCTION OF THE HUMAN RACE: "We must also prepare ourselves for the very
real possibility that the outcome of this situation might well be the
total extinction of the entire human race. It really could be worse than I
am predicting and I really am being optimistic. First, I would like to
assure you that I am not some kind of nut anxiously waiting for the end of
the world...."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, November 1998
DEPRESSION IN THE UNITED STATES: "Economic slowdown... unemployment
rises... interruptions in utilities... common use of heaters, cook
stoves... increase in layoffs... some neighborhoods form purchasing
associations... [probability of this outcome or worse] is 65 percent."
-Consultant Bruce Webster, The Y2K Survival Guide
HIDING GUNS: "[You should cache] most of your arms and supplies, while
this is still possible and legal. Preferably, you should have several
smaller caches known only to you and to a highly trusted backup...
someone who will pass the supplies on to your family or group if anything
happens to you... you need to convert most of your spare cash and paper
investments into gold and/or silver coins."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, January 1998
CAN'T BUY FOOD BY JUNE 1999: "Problem is if only 1 percent of the people
are preparing now and the supply chain is overburdened, adding only
another 1 percent will crush it. Come May-June of '99 your chances of
buying any long-term foods will be minimal. So then people will start
stocking canned goods and dog food. Not guaranteed, but there is a
distinct possibility that we could start seeing food shortages at the
local grocery stores by July-Aug '99 as everyone starts buying ten extra
cans of food a week...."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, November 1998
IT'S OVER: "The problem will not be fixed. Everyone in authority will deny
that time has run out to get this fixed, right up until December 31,
1999... I'm saying that it's over. Right now. It cannot be fixed. Whatever
it does, the Millennium Bug will bite us."
-Christian Reconstructionist Gary North, early 1997
GREAT DEPRESSION: "I think it is going to be very bad. In fact, the best
possible case for which there is any hope is another Great Depression."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, July 1999
MARTIAL LAW: "As 1999 progresses, as the global economy continues to
decline and as more and more of the early Y2K failures occur, there will
be some sudden, critical failure which will trigger a social crisis...
Whatever the cause, governments all over the world will seize on this as
an excuse to put their plans for martial law into effect, hoping to have
some kind of emergency administration in place before their existing
systems are wiped out by Y2K."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, January 1998
'A VERY BAD FIRE:' "The Y2K 'fire' has not broken out yet, though we'll
begin seeing the first few flames in 1999, possibly as early as January 1,
1999. But like many of my Y2K colleagues, I can already smell the smoke,
and I believe, deeply and sincerely, that it's going to be a very bad fire
indeed."
-Consultant Ed Yourdon, March 1998
STOCK MARKET CRASHED: "The stock market crashed and there was a run on the
banks... We've been only too aware that the fractional reserve banking
system was unwise and insecure... The safest place in the whole universe
right now is not in the center of the securest compound money can buy. It
is in the center of God's will."
-Authors Michael Hyatt and George Grant, in novel Y2K: The Day the World
Shut Down
NEW YORK WILL RESEMBLE BEIRUT: "I recently sold our New York City
apartment and bought a house in a small town in New Mexico... I've often
joked that I expect New York to resemble Beirut if even a subset of the
Y2K infrastructure problems actually materialize -- but it's really not a
joke... Y2K is sufficiently worrisome, in my opinion, that I'll make sure
my family isn't there when the clock rolls over to Jan 1, 2000."
-Consultant Ed Yourdon, July 1998
COMPLETE COLLAPSE: "We're looking at a complete collapse of the
government's systems and partial collapse (50 percent) of private
industry's computer systems. Analogous to the dissociation of the former
Soviet Union. 10-20 percent of the military will resign when they aren't
paid for months. Rioting, looting, and burning in the usual places... DJI
down 5000 points in 6 months, hyper inflation for a couple years...."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, republished by Gary North, March
1998
NIGHTMARE: "At 12 midnight on January 1, 2000... most of the world's
mainframe computers will either shut down or begin spewing out bad data.
Most of the world's desktop computers will also start spewing out bad
data. Tens of millions -- possibly hundreds of millions -- of
pre-programmed computer chips will begin to shut down the systems they
automatically control. This will create a nightmare for every area of
life, in every region of the industrialized world."
-Christian Reconstructionist Gary North, early 1997
A DECADE OF DEPRESSION: "We're going to suffer a year of technological
disruptions, followed by a decade of depression... We're likely to be
living in an environment much like the Third World countries some of us
have visited, where nothing works particularly well."
-Consultant Ed Yourdon, February 1999
CERTAIN SNAFUS: "The systems will break, this is a certainty. It is
uncertain whether the consequence is rioting, looting. Mad Max and Escape
from New York or Little House on the Prairie."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, November 1998
SCARED WITLESS: "I have been studying Y2K in every way possible to me
since October of 1997. On a daily basis. How many hours? I don't want to
know. In that time I have become convinced that we are going to get
blasted. Big time blasted. Infomagic blasted. I have learned enough to get
real damn scared, scared motionless like a rabbit facing a snake."
-Consultant Cory Hamasaki's newsletter, November 1998
CONSULTANTS OUT OF WORK: "My day-to-day work will suffer an increasing
number of interruptions, glitches, delays, inconveniences, and disruptions
during the second half of 1999; and I'm expecting that they'll be
sufficiently pervasive after January 1, 2000 that my income will drop to
zero during the first six months of the new year."
-Consultant Ed Yourdon, February 1999
:: SHNIBBULAR SHITE - BY BRENDAN H. ::
This last month has been so busy the only time I had to myself is the
time spent with my ass on the bog. It's truly depressing to think that
that a mans throne has become his toilet, yet as I write this the plot to
overrun this last bastion of male authority in his own house is slowly
unfolding . We've surrendered our bedrooms, living rooms, basements and
kitchens (well that was more of a gift really.). Now they're coming for
the toilet. Even as I write this another man is being harried from his
seat of power by a female acquaintance; be it a wife, sister, mother or
lover.
It's about time men stood up for their last right. Women of the world -
you have two choices, either you live with a toilet seat that's
permanently left up or you deal with a toilet seat that's wet. Either way
suits us just fine. We'll let you decide. If we fail to empty an aerosol
can full of exotic chemicals with names consisting only of the top
scoring letters in a Scrabble game, I challenge you to try and make us.
If I could relax in there for the most relaxing 15 minutes of my day then
you can cover your mouth and nose with a towel and do what you have to do.
See that door? That's the new battle front, our last stand.
Now men, lets say all say it together, say it with me :"No I'm not coming
out now and no I'm not reaching for the toilet paper as we speak.". Now
go back to reading your newspapers and TV guides.
THE SHNIBBULAR ONE
:: LETTERS FROM GOATBOY ::
Date sent: Wed, 3 May 2000 12:57:32 -0400 (EDT)
From: Leandro <leandro@scriba.org>
To: assaf_h@INTER.NET.IL, registrar@NETVISION.NET.IL
Copies to: leandro@scriba.org, gard@scriba.org,
wan@netvision.net.il, wan@netvision.net.il
Subject: Re: UCE: Tell us something we don't know...
On Wed, 3 May 2000, WHquestion wrote:
> Hi there.
Wow, spam with a friendly smile.
> We were desperately looking for someone who knows:
>
> "WHat's the easiest way to get from Jakarta to the Suez Canal by
> train?"
>
> or -
>
> "Are there any prerequisites for membership in Scientology?"
How about this: "Who gives a gnat's testicle hair about your spam?"
or (this one is REALLY easy)-
"Sending pointless spam to the editorial address of a magazine really
makes you all that popular?"
> So, if you hold the answers to these essential questions, or have other
> unique info bytes (and believe us, we have many questions) please stop
> by WHquestion.com, and say hi.
I didn't go to your site (why reward your lame excuse with page
impressions?) but I took the freedom to write to everyone in charge! =)
> And yes, of course we know a nice reward is expected. As we said
> before, tell us something we don't know...
A nice reward? More spam? So let's see.. something you don't know.. you
are a bunch of righteous bastards? Oh, you knew that already? Hmmm,
this is tough.
> Or, WHy don't you send the question to one of your friends?
So they will start groaning and wonder what's wrong with me?
> Maybe he or she can answer and receive a reward.
How thrilled would you be to receive spam in your box? Call that a
reward!
> Not interested? cool, just reply to this email with "remove" as the
> subject line and we won't bother you again, savvy one.
Wait a minute. I have to unsubscribe MYSELF from your list, when YOU
were the ones that subscribed me? How does that work?
Tell you what, I'll add you to my list, so you can receive my garbage,
and if you are not interested, you can type "remove" in the e-mail and
send it back. Maybe I'll notice it.
> ========================================================
> This message complies with the US Federal requirements as well as the
> Washington State Commercial Email Bill.
> Sender information: Neuronia Ltd.
> Email: contact@WHquestion.com, Tel: +972 (3) 6394304
> ========================================================
But if you guys are in Israel (Oh! Tel Aviv! Tel Aviv!
Cha-cha-cha-cha!) what do you guys care about US legislations?
> WHat? WHere? WHy? WHen? WHquestion is the answer!
What? It's spam!
Where? In your mailbox!
Why? Because in Tel Aviv they don't care!
When? Anytime they get a chance!
Oh, and remove the editorial address from your list.
---
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
Editor in Chief
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
http://www.capnasty.org
:: HEY MISTER FROG - BY BUNNIEE ::
there's a frog lying in the road
and he's not moving
hey mister frog!
why are you so flat?
Have you been on a diet?
mister frog doesn't answer
he must be sleeping.
bunniee
:: ONE TRICK PONY - BY MITCH S. ::
Think about it? Druther not. One trick pony, that is. Sounds too much
like Boyztown on mezcal, with undercurrents of official corruption..n
anyway who thinks porn is SEXUAL? Bout as sexual as reading the
dictionary is literary...Porn, cum to think of it, is anti-sexual..
mostly. Except the self created performance enchancing games with
playful partners...but READING/WATCHING porn ain't SEXUAL, dammit. In
fact, it sublimates sex into quietude, hermetic isolation, life/love/joy
denial...So pity the pornsters, they ain't gettin MUCH, if any a'tall,
and prolly wouldn't even be pornsters if they'd ever got ANY worth
braggin' about.. just a little bringdown fer the noxious amongus, and
Bunniee, yer fan club SWEARS that we'd never have impure thoughts about
you, and we hope that you continue to bravely endure the postadolescent
harassment of your testoserone poisoned coworkers..WE love you for your
MIND, 'n yer body is merely an object of fervent worship...much too good
for sticky fingered clods. So ignore em lest they be tempted beyond
their pitiful capacity for self control and start spending more time in
the loo than usual...or tease 'em fer grins, and watch the Kleenex
disappear! 'S hard to believe they got a WHOLE MONTH to celebrate, bet it
usually takes about two minutes...MS@*
:: UNDYING - RIPPED FROM ZENTERTAINMENT ::
Yes, that's right - once again I shamelessly ripped this piece from the
really great zine Zentertainment - www.ZENtertainment.com
To Unsubscribe, you must send an e-mail to:
zentertainment-unsubscribe@egroups.com
'UNDYING' DETAILS
ELECTRONIC ARTS has announced the following details on the CLIVE BARKER'S:
UNDYING game EA/DREAMWORKS Interactive will release for the PC later this
year: "Set in Ireland of the 1920's, players take on the role of Magnus,
who has been summoned to an ancestral estate by its lone descendent,
Jeremiah. Death has claimed Jeremiah's four siblings, all of whom have
been reanimated and now intend to slay their living brother, the last of
the family. To save his friend and unravel the horror that has befallen
Jeremiah and his family, players must embark on five perilous quests. The
quests will take players to 10 areas of the game including the ancestral
estate, a destroyed monastery, the Eternal Autumn and the cursed city of
Oneiros. Players will have to defeat each of the evil siblings in his or
her individually corrupted and demonic environments in order to grasp the
greater scope of the horror of CLIVE BARKER'S: UNDYING."
http://www.clivebarker.com
And in still more ripping from Zentertainment...
SIMMONS' KISS AND TELL
THE 80's NUT reports KISS frontman Gene Simmons will write his
autobiography for CROWN Books, for publication in 2002.
http://80snuts.com
:: RECENT EBAY PURCHASES ::
Here's a list of the things I've bought on Ebay in the last month:
Hell - An Illustrated History of the Netherworld book
Complete Hellraiser trading card set
Salem's Lot hard cover book by Stephen King
Silver serpant & cross pendant
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate VD and want to send in cheap
ass stupid insults, type 'em up and send it to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: No Structure - #1
Jaco Pastorius - The Birthday Concert
Jethro Tull - Aqualung
Tori Amos - Under The pink
This issue suffers from flatulance.
Next issue June 6/00
Secret message from Bunniee:
Stays crunchy even in milk!
http://www.eatbug.com/
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Morbus wants this disclaimer shite here to cover his skinny white ass.
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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