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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 18 march 30:99
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 18 vol. 1 march 30/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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T h e r e a r e 2 7 6 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . .
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
HORROR - BY GOATBOY
NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY MORBUS
THE BEST OF DAN QUAYLE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
SQUEALS ON WHEELS - BY LEANDRO "I'M NOT BITTER" ASNAGHI-NICASTRO
SIG FILE SHITE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the April Fools/weird shit is still happening/Andrew M."
issue. Really. I had a bunch of shite so I through it all into the mix,
nuked it at high for 10 minutes and what you have before you is the
result. So whatever you want to call it works for me. Find the April
Fools portion of this issue and you'll be able to go around telling
people that you are *not* a fool. Uh huh. And for $12.95 VD will send
you a personalized authentic diploma stating that you are in fact
certified to be Fool free.
As for the weird shit still happening; since last issue I have had my
PC system (including 2 hard drive meltdowns) crash countless times
(thanks Microsoft), my Mac system crash once, a framed poster fall off
my office wall and smash glass everywhere, my car key break off in my
hatchback, my new laptop hard drive was shipped incorrect and was
incompatible, and on and on.... But on the lighter side my wife got a
killer new job. She applied for a part-time Assistant Convenor
position at a social work agency and impressed the panel so much they
called and offered her the full time Convenor position...woohoo!
Middle class here we come...<snort>
And finally, why the Andrew M. thing? Well, after winning last issue's
Birdshite thingy he sent me so much stuff that I figured I might as
well just use 90% of it all at once and then I don't really have to do
too much thinking for this issue. So here ya go Andy, you're very own
VD issue...you're special now... In related news - when Andrew was
notified of the fabulous prize (VD logo in 48 point ASCII text) he won
from last issue's Birdshite thing, he had this to say:
Wow, I'm so honored. I think I'll sell all my
possessions in order to sit 24 hours a day
concentrating on the VD logo.
ahhhh, I can feel enlightenment coming now!
. . .
whoops, nope. Sorry, that must have been those
beans I had for lunch. =)
Well Andrew, this just goes to prove what I have always said: there is
a fine line between enlightenment and incontinence but knowing the
difference between the two is half the battle....<g>
Enjoy the issue...and if you don't, you can blame it on Andrew <g>.
:: QUOTABLE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. ::
"Several of Rev. Dr. Mudge's friends called upon him yesterday, and
after a conversation the unsuspecting pig was seized by the hind leg,
and slid along a beam until he reached the hot-water tank. . . .
Thereupon he came forward and said that there were times when the
feelings overpowered one, and for that reason he would not attempt to
do more than thank those around him for the manner in which such a huge
animal was cut into fragments was simply astonishing.
The doctor concluded his remarks, when the machine seized him and,
in less time than it takes to write it, the pig was cut into fragments
and worked up into delicious sausage. The occasion will be long
remembered by the doctor's friends as one of the most delightful of
their lives. The best pieces can be procured for tenpence a pound, and
we are sure that those who have sat so long under his ministry will
rejoice that he has been treated so handsomely."
-from an English newspaper in the late 1800s, when two stories--one on a
patent pig-killing and sausage-making machine and the other on Rev.
Dr. Mudge being presented with a gold-headed cane--were mistakenly
pieced together by typographers. From "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever
Said" daily calendar.
"Regardless of the old saying, 'Step on a crack, break your mother's
back', if you're really looking for results, try stepping *directly* on
your Mother's back, or maybe even jumping on it.
- Travis Williams
"There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with
freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is
a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall."
-Sidonie Gabrielle Colette
"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car
could go straight upwards."
- Fred Hoyle
"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being
unable to sit still in a room."
- Blaise Pascal
"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car."
-Evan Davis
:: HORROR - BY GOATBOY ::
Wizard of Mars
I could start by saying that this movie sucks. But why does it suck?
Clearly something about it left me shocked or upset. By saying that the
movie "sucks" I am not revealing much information on what turned me off
about it. But with movies such as this one, I can't help it. The word
pops up like burnt toast: sucks sucks sucks.
It's quite astonishing to see how movies can be, beside completely
clueless of what they are doing, ultimately boring. Wizard of Mars is
one such divine example. It is supposed to be, or so I assume, some
sort of exciting science fiction trip of four astronauts on the depth
of Mars, in search of something particularly significant. Er.. yeah.
Now, okay, this movie came out in the early 70s when technology for
special video effects was not the greatest but correct me if I am
wrong, Star Wars came out in the 70s as well, and beside some General
with 70s sideburns commanding a Star Destroyer, very little can make us
think that this movie is that old. It looks awesome to say the least.
Okay, so perhaps Wizard of Mars didn't have the budget or whatnot, but
you'd think the story could still live up to something remotely
interesting, if we are willing to close an eye at the so called
'special effects'. Right?
Alas, we aren't even lucky that way. Wizard of Mars entertains us by
showing us what can probably be defined as the grandfathers of Kevin
Costner in acting abilities and line delivery (for the few lines they
deliver). They walk endlessly for what seems hours at end on Mars, talk
technobabble that makes those Trekkies sound like they hold PhDs,
encounter rubber hoses as some sort of dangerous life form, and then
bore us to death in the end with a total of 15 minutes dialogue from
some sort of creature from a different dimension.
Describing this movie as painful is the very least one could say. I
could possibly say, "rent it and see how bad it is for yourself", but
no matter how many times I will repeat here that it is bad and that it
sucks, the moment you will watch it you will find yourself twitching in
fear, gasping for air, praying that the characters on the screen die a
horrible death.
And, oh, the irony of it all when our marvellous actors discover a
yellow bricked road! And did I say that the only woman there, who
beside being completely brain-dead and finding the Martian landscape to
be beautiful (anyone that finds a desert beautiful doesn't get out
much) is named Dorothy. Does anyone see the references here yet? I just
have one thing to say: where the fuck is Toto?
:: NO FOOLS OF OUR LIVES - BY MORBUS ::
The day of the Joke
It's sad enough to say that I've been slaving at no frills long enough
to live through the day christened after all of our customers: April's
Fool.
As you'd expect, Rob and I had a good time.
If you've been a shopper at no frills, you might have noticed a dirty
smelling old lady whom we'll call SOLD (because who else would have let
her into the world?). She has the tendency to leave her buggy in the
middle of the lane and walk up and down, muttering to herself about how
she'll "get Rodriguez back one day", as she looks for the freshest of
the rotten.
Oftentimes, her back is turned.
It's easy enough to know where this is leading.
The first time she asked Rob where her buggy was, in that dried cum
voice of hers, he acted concerned, shambling around the store with her,
looking down various lanes. I, of course, was bringing her buggy back
to where she had left it.
When Rob brought her back to the same place she had last saw it, she
gave a slight little cackle, and muttered something about "how you
misplace things in your old age". Her face was semi-precious,
definitely not enough.
After showing SOLD that her buggy was where she had left it, two more
times, the game was getting old - the sound of her slippers scraping
across the floors was getting to us. We hid her buggy one last time.
She came up to Rob one last time.
"I'm sorry, I've seemed ... "
Rob threw down what he was working with, set his case cutter to high,
and yelled at her to check where she had left it. And, naturally, she
found it there. The look on her face then, and only then, was precious.
Unless you were watching her when she realized, at the head of the
check out, with a long line behind her, that we removed about a third
of her groceries.
:: THE BEST OF DAN QUAYLE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. ::
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
- at a fund-raiser for the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 (he was
attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste").
"I hope there's some respect and dignity for things I did not do."
- defending himself against allegations of involvement with Paula
Parkinson, 8/23/88.
"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."
- to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90.
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
- "US News and World Report" (10/10/88).
"My grandfather . . . saw where inherited wealth ruined people. And my
grandfather was right."
- on owning a half-million dollars worth of his family's
newspaper stock holdings (ABC's 'Prime Time Live', August
10, 1992).
"Add one little bit on the end... Think of 'potato', how's it spelled?
You're right phonetically, but what else...? There ya' go... all
right!"
- correcting a student's correct spelling of the word 'potato' during a
spelling bee at an elementary school in Trenton.
"I should have caught the mistake on that spelling bee card. But as
Mark Twain once said, 'You should never trust a man who has only one
way to spell a word'."
- actually quoting from President Andrew Jackson.
"I should have remembered that was Andrew Jackson who said that, since
he got his nickname 'Stonewall' by vetoing bills passed by Congress."
- confusing Andrew Jackson with Confederate General Thomas J.
'Stonewall' Jackson.
"It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
- in Illinois, 4/30/91.
"This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. It will
happen."
- at a campaign stop at CA State University, Fresno, 1/17/92.
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88.
"I don't watch it, but I know enough to comment on it."
- defending his opinions about the TV show 'Murphy Brown' (Las Vegas,
May '92)
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
:: SQUEALS ON WHEELS - BY LEANDRO "I'M NOT BITTER" ASNAGHI-NICASTRO ::
I have the unfortunate habit of automatically looking at someone and
classifying them into five categories: cool, decent, useful, annoying
but useful and "I'd love to kick the living shit out of you". Handicap
girl hit DEFCON 5 without much fuss.
She picks someone at random to be her "friend" which REALLY makes me
wonder about her mental stability. One day, without notice, she starts
talking to you. Like that. Not that you asked, or happened to look at
her in any way or anything. No. It's like the lottery. Today she talks
to you.
So I guess it's my lucky fucking day and she starts talking to me in
the cafeteria. I really couldn't have given a rat's ass if I wanted to.
Off she goes about anime` and shit like that, and I'm thinking of my
own version of "Spacemoose" (www.spacemoose.com) and what he'd do to
her. Thoughts of me setting her on fire and pushing her down the
staircase start to look mighty appealing. But I hold myself back, you
know, I need to graduate, and I have spent quite a bit of money
already, let me finish this course before I go to jail.
There is at times this little voice in me that says "that's terrible,
how could you think that?"
I don't know. How could I? Am I the only one with homicidal
tendencies in this world?
Also, she's a poor little girl in a wheelchair. And we have to be
understanding, or so I am told in this society, to people who are less
fortunate than we are, no matter how retarded they can be.
For the first part, that's what's keeping me from wheeling her in front
of incoming traffic. If I just sit here quietly and nod once in a
while, she will leave me alone. But it seems the more you sit there
and pretend to listen, the more she has to say.
It eventually gets to the point that I can't take it anymore: "you
know what?" I interrupt her.
"What?"
"I hate sailor moon and any type of anime`. I think it sucks".
"W-why?! It's so great! Such amazing art!"
And I go "no, it sucks. It's a shitty style with shitty stories, with
shitty characters, with shitty expressions that are mostly made for
snotty little girls that lack any sense of imagination and have to
dream about 12 years old that mutate into 18 years old and fly
around... sorry, but to me that's been done a zillion fucking times
over. It sucks. Dead. End".
Honestly. Some people take anime` a bit too fucking seriously. It's
like when people greet me with the Vulcan sign of live long and
prosper, carry Star Trek insignia all over them, talk about space
ships or the latest Voyager episode and they think they are cool. I
just want to kill them.
Of course, you share this with anyone else, they tell you that "you are
bitter and insensitive", so you just have to nod your head and have the
fucking slob drool their awesome knowledge in your fucking ears. If you
don't, him and the entire group of fanatics that found themselves in
the school and formed the Star Trek Club will come with burning crosses
in front of your lawn chanting William Shatner's songs. Oh, the horror,
the horror.
For sure though, the last thing I needed really was this bitch on her
wheelchair shoving her fucking Sailor Moon up my ass.
She puts her hand on my forehead. Gosh, your hands have been WHERE, may
I ask?
She tells me that "you are sick sick sick!" and I think she was trying
REALLY hard to be funny or something, but it came out like she was
about to burst into tears or kick me in the balls, if she had legs.
Well, technically she does, and she stands up occasionally, but I think
if I shoved her legs up her ass, she'd move better and would've a real
reason to be bitter at life.
Anyway, she goes "you are strange!" and she wheels herself away. "Peace
at last", went back to my notes and J. (an anime` girl who for once is
cool) says "I think you pissed her off" and I go "watch me give a shit"
and that of course is rhetorical and needed no answer.
"Don't worry, we'll go into our next class and she'll giggle like a
freak at anything the prof says and will find a new friend". Yoopee for
that.
We go into class. Handicap girl tells J. to sit next to her, and she
does, because J. wasn't really thinking.
J. is one of those girls that can sleep with her eyes open and still
look like she doing something. Occasionally her head hits the computer
behind her, but I haven't met anyone as good as her at catching up with
sleep and not get caught once.
Anyway, who knows where her head was at the moment, probably still
trying to recover from our previous fucking class with Mr. Genius the
polyglot moron professor. Handicap girl starts to tell her all about
anime`, and J. snaps back to reality, looks at me in search for help
and I mumble something about a new friend.
J. gets up, and says she has to do more important stuff than Sailor
Moon, pissing handicap girl again. She doesn't really say she is pissed
off. But you can clearly tell she's not a happy sailor.. uh.. uhm.
She then proceeds to surf every fucking web site in town about the
fucking cartoon downloading pictures and giggling at every fucking
word that HA HA FUNNY PROF proceeds to say.
Eight months, three weeks, four days to go.
Sigh.
:: SIG FILE SHITE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. ::
Rather than filling up the Quotable section any more than it already is
with more of Andrew's collection of quotes, I figured I would just cut
'n paste his sig file into a column of its own seeing as this is the
Andrew M. issue... So here it is...
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
(Douglas Adams)
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
If kids on your street try to get you to play a game called "Throw
Rocks at Andy," don't do it, 'cause it's not very much fun. (Andrew
Friedman)
All that is gold does not glitter, / Not all those who wander are lost;
/ The old that is strong does not wither, / Deep roots are not reached
by the frost. (J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Fellowship of the Ring")
"Faith makes you feel all jazzy!" (Reverend Dr. Paul Mathers D.D.)
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to life,
mad to talk, mad to be saved desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn,
burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across
the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and
everybody goes "Awww!"
(Jack Kerouac, "On the Road")
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for an IQ test.
"You smoked yourself retarded!" (Me, to a friend)
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD, from just about anything nowadays - use a condom. But
if you want VD delivered to your mailbox, you have to send an empty
email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you really hate us (or condoms), then send an empty email
to: v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com
Pretty simple huh? Even VD certified Fool Free people can figure it
out. Well, most of the time.
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth -
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
because Morbus gets personal email from _the_Devil_you_know
Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com
Leandro/Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Andrew M. appears courtesy of his parents desire to create offspring
Next issue April 13/99
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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