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2112 007
"He was a wise man who invented God."
-Plato
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³ ÝÛÝ Üþ ßÛ ßÛ Üþ ÞÛÞ The Book of Mike ³
³ ÝÛÝ ÜÝß ÞÞ ÞÞ ÜÝß ÞÛÞ ³
ÀÄÝÛÝ ÜÝÝÝÜÜÜÝÝÜÝÝÜ ÜÝÝÜ ÜÝÝÝÜÜÜÝÝ ÞÛÞÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
ßß ßß Volume I, File VII [110294]
Writer: Jester
Genesis 1:2
As is the nature of species creation, Mike did not create man as
a mass, but from his own excrement molded a pair. First Mike
created Bob, and then he created Dorothy. God said unto Bob, "Be
fruitful, and multiply, make me a race of men that I can be proud
of, a race of men that can give me much entertainment and much
humor in their pain and their suffering." And because Mike was
just a touch perverted he added, "And when ye be fruitful, be
fruitful in the open where I may take enjoyment in watching ye
multiply."
And Bob said unto Mike, "Yes lord, I will be fruitful, and I
will multiply, and I will honor your name and make you a race of
men that will give ye much pleasure, and much enjoyment." And for
forty nights and forty days, Bob and Dorothy were fruitful
together, and together they begot Tim and Daisy, and Fred and
Jill, and Lucy and Archibald, and finally they begot the
transvestite Kelly. Bob and Dorothy lived five and fifty four
years, and they departed this earth. And Tim and Daisy were
fruitful and multiplied, and begot many deformed and retarded
children, and of those incestual deformities survived Milton and
Bertha, and the little one who was simply called "It", so named
for the second and mysterious head protruding from his armpit,
and the forearm and hand extending from just below the child's
genitals. Fred and Jill were also fruitful, and they begot Gerome
and Mariko, and Paco and Ishmad, who were mysteriously ethnic,
and thusly used for the purpose of cleaning up the tree house.
The many children and grandchildren and great grandchildren of
Bob and Dorothy were all fruitful together in many great and
fantastic yet perversely disgusting family orgies, in which they
were fruitful and multiplied many times. A race of men was
beginning. To test his new race of men, Mike put them through
many tough and difficult, often deadly, yet in the eyes of Mike,
always funny trials.
Milton
Milton, son of Tim son of Bob, was married to a woman by the
name of Sherry. She was a strong woman, who worked hard and kept
her children, Wilson and Grace fed and always with the best
quality leaves and vines to wear. She was also Milton's direct
cousin and had an I.Q. of slightly less than an old yet well
maintained canoe. Mike looked down on Milton, and saw that he was
a good man, a just man, but a man whose faith in him was
questionable. One day when Milton was tending his sheep, probably
tending better than any human should, Mike came down to the earth
in the guise of a peasant, a peasant with a very large and thick
stick. Mike approached Milton, limping slightly, and using his
large stick as a crutch for effect.
"Good peasant" said Milton "is their any way in which I
could be of service to you? Would you like food, or water, or
perhaps a sheep?"
Why my good man" replied Mike, "I would be very grateful for
your hospitality. But first I must make sure you are of a pure
body and mind, for I am a great lord, come to test your honesty,
and your goodness, and I find that you have entirely too much of
both qualities, and this must be rectified." With that Mike
lifted the large stick above his head and began to pummel poor
Milton furiously, until blood gushed from every orifice of the
mans body. "You must follow the ways of Mike, you must worship
Mike, and you must not stray from the path that Mike has set out
for you!" Mike said to the crouched and beaten body of Milton,
trying his best, yet not doing a very good job, of containing his
laughter. "I will visit you in three weeks, in disguise. Possibly
as a dog, or a giraffe, and if you have not altered your ways to
follow the ways of your creator, Mike, then you will die, and it
will not be a pretty death." With that, the form of the peasant
that Mike was occupying disappeared, and Milton was left lying
there among the sheep and the grass. Several days later Milton
got up, and stretched, rubbed the aches and pains from his body,
and satisfied himself with a sheep. It was much past suppertime,
about 48 hours, so he had to hurry. He retrieved his arm, which
in the commotion had lodged itself in the branches of a near by
tree, and hunted without any luck for one of his ribs. Tired and
sore he herded his flock back to his small grass hut, and
stumbled into his home. No sooner had he entered his hut, then
his wife jumped screaming onto his back and began to smash him in
the forehead with a frying pan. "You were late AGAIN! You were
with that sheep, Samantha again weren't you! What has she got
that I haven't besides fur? Tell me that! If you are ever late
again....." Sherry trailed off, seemingly forgetting what she
was saying. Puzzled she looked around, picked up the frying pan
and began to cook dinner as if nothing had happened. After
several minutes she looked over at Milton and smiled lovingly.
"Dinner will be ready soon, better wash your hands."
In the bathroom, Milton thought about what Lord Mike had
said, and knew that he must change his ways, and he must change
them soon. After eating dinner, and telling his wife that it was
unfit for human consumption, and that she was an unbelievably
ugly and stupid cow, he brushed his teeth, beat his children and
went to bed. For the next three weeks he lived an utterly lazy
and sarcastic life, making fun of his children and his wife any
chance he could get. Of his children, two committed suicide, and
the other, the girl, took to impaling herself with the silverware
and making love to the frozen foods.
One day on the way to the local tavern to have a drink and
meet Samantha for the evening, he met a poor beggar who asked him
for a few coppers to feed his children. Milton laughed, took two
coppers out of his pocket, and threw them at the feet of the
beggar. As the man bent down to pick up the coppers, Milton
grabbed him by the hair, flipped him over his head, slammed his
fist into the man's genitals, and hurled him into a passing
wagon. Laughing to himself, Milton picked up his coppers and
walked off to meet Samantha.
Later that week, Mike visited Milton in the form of a large
Russian hamster, and found him to be revived in the ways of Mike,
and so gave unto him many riches and properties, and gave him
great powers over men, which he deserved. Living forever in the
way of Mike, Milton carrie out a long, prosperous and humorous
life, and instilled the way of Mike in his many new children both
of woman and of beast who passed it down to their children, who
continued the religion for many generations.
The Quests of Ryan
There lived in the small town of Petersmall a goodly pig
washer by the name of Ryan. Ryan was respected and good and
pious, and loved himself greatly, and did himself many
kindnesses. He followed the exalted ways of Mike, and took the
vow of chastity and abstinence from liqueur, except on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays, of which the opium dens had dollar hours,
and on the day of Saturday, when the prostitution house had two
for one sales. Mike looked down upon Ryan and saw that he was
good. And Mike looked at the life of Ryan and saw that it was
good.
And Ryan went into the forest for water with which to wash
his pigs, and in the forest he there came upon a tree. And he saw
the tree, and it was in truth a tree, so he continued his search
for the well of water, and came upon a rock, and the rock was not
an ordinary rock, for it had upon its great back a multitude of
green moss. Seeing that the rock was in fact a rock covered with
moss, he continued his search, until finally he came upon the
well. And as he dipped his bucket into the well, a fish of
magnificent beauty appeared before Ryan and the fish spake to
Ryan and the fish said "Oh great Ryan, I beg of you do not eat me
for I bring you tidings of great joy, and will lead you to the
path of God where you will be saved and enjoy the fruits of
heaven and the blessings of Jesus..." And Ryan looked at the
fish, and saw that the fish was indeed beautiful, and with his
hunting knife he speared the fish, and put the fish into his
pouch and smiled for now he would not have to buy his supper. But
the fish would not be quieted, and said unto Ryan, "Oh Ryan, you
know not what you do, I am a messenger sent by the great one to
bring you tidings of great import!" And Ryan listened to the
fish, and realized that the fish must indeed be no ordinary fish,
but a fish of heavenly origin. Ryan immediately removed the fish
from his pocket, and began to stomp upon the fish with his great
boot until the fish was a fine paste that he could spread upon
crackers and enjoyed with a bit of wine. Ryan filled his bucket
with the water of the well, and began his journey home. Presently
Ryan came upon a large sloth much larger that he, and quite
surprised at the size of the sloth he inquired of the sloth "Good
sloth, what business havest thee in this forest of trees?" And
the sloth said unto Ryan, "I bring news from the our lord Mike. I
have been sent to tell thee that you must appear at the base of
the great penis at the eve of three weeks, and there he will
speak to thee. If you fail to appear you will most surely be
destroyed." And the great sloth of Mike spun around three times,
stuck his finger up his ass, and disappeared. Ryan continued his
journey home, where for an hour he prayed to Mike, and asked of
Mike to show him the way to the great penis, for he knew not of
its existence, but Mike remained quiet and Ryan was forced to
find the great penis himself, so at noon Ryan set out to find of
its location.
Ryan walked for 2 and 22 miles, and he came then upon a wise
man and Ryan bade the wise man to stop and asked of the wise man,
"Good sir, you being old, and therefore wise canst thou tell me
of the location of the great penis, for I have searched far and
wide yet have not been able to find this holy place." And to this
the wise man replied "I am in fact wise, and have traveled the
world wide, yet I know of no great penis other than that of the
one which is most securely fastened to my body. Of that I must
say it is truly great, and has served many great deeds, and
fought bravely in many conquests, but I this I think is not the
penis that you seek."
So Ryan continued his travels for many more miles, and he
came across wandering priest, who wore the sign of Mike across
his breasts, and therefore must know of the great penis of which
the messenger of Mike had spoken, so Ryan said unto the priest,
"Priest, have you any knowledge of the great penis that is so
famous about this land, for I fear that my life depends on my
finding of its location.." and the Priest replied to Ryan "I do in
fact know of a great penis, but to reach it you must travel long
and hard, through many lands, and even then the exact location of
the penis of Mike is known only by the owl of the sacred forest
in the uncharted land of the wayward Goat. I fear that you will
never reach it, for the journey is long and dangerous, and hath
many obstacles that must be crossed, and many foes to overcome.
No living man has every made it alive to the land of the Goat,
let alone to the great penis. It would be far better for you to
turn around now, and go back the way that you came." But Ryan was
not frightened, for he knew that he had the will and favor of
Mike on his side, and that with Mike's help he would make it to
the great penis where he would be able to speak directly to Mike.
So he said to the priest, "Thank you my good priest, but I am on
a mission and I must find the penis for the sake of my life. I
will brave the dangers of the journey, for I must find the great
penis. Please good priest, tell me how I might find it."
Be it on yourself, for you will surely perish. But I will
tell thee since I see that I cannot deter you, and if the will of
Mike is on your side then you may have a chance, or else you will
meet a very painful yet humorous death, most likely smothered to
death by the sexual organ of a elephant in heat. To reach the
land of the Goat, you must travel four blocks down this path on
which we stand, take a left at the large and leafy tree, and go
for about 137 paces. There if you look carefully you will see a
door concealed in the foliage along the path. There beat your own
penis three times against the wood, and beware of the splinters
for that is the first of many great dangers, and then the door
will open and a man will stand before who, who will give you a
test of faith and a test of soul, and if you pass(few men ever
have), then you will be allowed to go forth, and what is beyond I
know not, I only know that there is an old and wise faggot who
lives in an underground love-dungeon filled with various machines
and many variations of both furry and slippery animals. Seek out
this faggot, for he will be able to assist you further on your
quest. Now be gone, you have far to go, and I have business to
attend to." After speaking these words, the priest walked quickly
down the path. Yet before the priest was out of sight he turned
around and yelled unto Ryan so that Ryan could barely hear him,
"I must warn you, beware of the great faggot, he is wise but also
devious, and he try to trick you, and take great advantages of
you, you must better him and force him to tell you of the true
location of the penis". Ryan then set out again on his journey,
following the priests directions, until he came upon a large and
rough wooden door, all but covered with very spiny and thorny
vines, which looked as if they could cause great pain to a tender
and unprotected penis. Not wishing to immediately undertake the
tasks at hand, Ryan made his camp outside of the door and slept
until morning.
Chapter 2
Early the next morning Ryan stood outside door, and he again
prayed to Mike and made the sign of mike over his chest. And then
Ryan lifted with all of his might and lifted out his great tool,
and swung it around his head twice, striking the door with
enormous force. He then repeated this two more times, and then
Ryan waited and the door opened and tenderly licked his bleeding
organ. The man stood before him as prophesied by the priest, and
the man looked at him and said unto him nothing, so Ryan said to
the man, "Good man, I am here in search of the land of the Goat,
and the land of the great penis." The man still said nothing unto
Ryan, so Ryan said to the man "Good man, of perhaps you would let
me by I will search for the penis on my own. I hear that I must
perform a test of the faith and the spirit? Is it you that is to
give me this test? And the man who was Biff son of Tom son of
Dave, servant of Mike, said unto Ryan, "It is indeed I who will
test you in the eyes of Mike, and if you do not succeed as most
men do not you must die and go directly to the underworld and
face the torture of Ahmed Karim. If you pass my test you will be
aloud to pass into this land, but that is all. I cannot guarantee
your safety. The first test is a test of faith, and a test of
loyalty to our lord and savior. Tell me, and answer truthfully,
for if you do not tell the truth I will know, and you will
perish, what is your name?"
"Why my name is Ryan, son of Sam, son of Elton, son of
Truman, son of Theodore, son of Milton, son of Tim, son of Bob."
"You have passed the first test, and now the second is twice
as hard, only three men in the history of time have ever answered
it correctly, so choose well, and do not answer foolishly, what
is your occupation?"
"I am a washer of pigs" Ryan said proudly unto Biff, and
Biff was surprised and he said unto Ryan, "You are indeed wise,
and indeed pure, but I have one final question that must be
answered before you may pass, have you ever been convicted of a
crime and pleaded guilty or no contest, minor traffic violations
excluded, and if yes please explain.(All yes answers will not
automatically be cause for rejection, only relevant crimes are
considered)?"
And this question baffled Ryan, and Ryan did not know the
answer and Ryan was afraid. Finally Ryan answered to Biff, yet he
did not know the answer and was only guessing, "The answer is...a
stone, thrice washed and thrice dirtied, thrown into a pool of
mud, to anger the fishes!"
Biff smiled and opened wide the gate of his land, for Ryan
had indeed answered wisely and truly, and he was indeed a man
that was fit for the land of the Goat. So Ryan traveled until he
came upon a sign, and written upon the sign were the words "If
thy body is tired, and thee wishes some womanly, manly or animal
companionship, then scream three times like a tiger in heat, rip
off thy clothes and plunge thyself into the bushes behind thee"
And Ryan was puzzled by the sign, but he was tired, so he did
scream thrice like a tiger, and did remove his clothes, and he
then did plunge himself in to the bushes behind him. And the
bushes sunk into the ground, and he with it and he found that he
was in a room filled with both varieties of fuzzy and slippery
animals and remembering the words of the great priest knew that
he was in the presence of the old and wise faggot who would help
him to find the fabled penis. So he called out to the faggot, but
the faggot did not answer, and he was met only by the echoes and
the echoes said unto Ryan, "Tie thyself to the bed of straw
before thee, and lie there and wait and presently a vision of the
penis will appear before you. Then you must go to the place where
you saw the vision. But Ryan was not a simple man, and he
remembered well the warning of the priest, so he did not tie
himself to the bed but only made noises as if he were tying
himself to the bed, and presently the old faggot who was called
Lindsy came from a secret passage in the wall and Ryan jumped on
the old man to better him, and thus force him to tell where to
find the Great Penis, but the old man was devious and evil, so he
said unto Ryan, "You have bested my, I must give you anything you
want, just ask it." And thinking himself victorious, he asked of
the faggot, "My fine and flaming faggot, would you tell me where
to find the wise owl in the land of the Goat, so that the owl can
tell me where lieth the great penis?" And the faggot who was evil
and a follower of Ahmed said to Ryan in a sweet and soothing
voice, "Why you are a very attractive and strong young man with a
penis like the trunk of a large tree, so I will not lie to you.
You are in the land of the Goat, and have been since you passed
the gate of the trials. The owl that thee speak of is in fact not
an owl but a book, called the Great and Wise Owl, which details
the location of the penis, but the book has long since been
destroyed. I saw the book and knew the location of the penis so I
located my dungeon of bodily pleasure and pain just beside it so
it would always be blessed. It is beyond that door that you see
in the back of my humble cave. Go through that door, and you will
find the great penis. Go now and may Mike be with you." So Ryan,
taken in by the evil of the faggot, opened the door and stepped
inside, but as soon as he stepped his foot in the door he was
trapped in magical shackles, and he was bent over a bench and he
could not get free. And the faggot was pleased that he had
tricked Ryan, and he entered the room and laughed at Ryan, and
rubbed scented oils over the body and buttocks of Ryan and
prepared to take great advantage of him, but Ryan called on the
mercy of Mike; while Mike was not merciful, and would take great
delight and humor in watching Ryan be humiliated, and would
probably make videos and sell them for great amounts of money to
the perverted and kinky, hated he worse the faggot and his kind,
so he gave Ryan the strength to break loose his bonds. Ryan,
being naked flung forth his great pleasure rod and wrapped it
securely around the faggot so that the faggot could not move, and
Ryan said unto the faggot, "Now you must tell me how I may find
the land of the Goat, or I will squeeze my love snake and you
will suffocate to death" And frightened at the wrath of Ryan and
his divine shaft which was wrapped around him, told the truth
unto Ryan and he told him that the land of the Goat was in fact
just 6.3 x 10^23
miles to the east. And because the faggot was an agent of Ahmed,
Ryan slew him with his dagger and because he was tired enjoyed
both a furry and a slippery animal, and took a couple with him
for companionship, and set out again to the east in search of the
land of the Goat. He traveled for a day and a night, and at the
town of Bethlehem stole an antelope and rode for three more days
and nights and presently game upon a gate that was made entirely
of living goats, tied one on top of each other. Then Ryan knew
that he was at the land of the Goat and he rejoiced for he was
near the end of his quest. And Ryan pushed a goat and the goat
opened and he entered the land of the Goat and found that was a
beautiful land, where women grew out of the ground like trees,
and wore no clothing and were not ashamed. And there was an
entire forest of such women, and Ryan thought to himself that to
be a tree cutter in such a land would be a disgusting job, and he
thought to himself that he would very much like to have a desk
and a house and especially a bed out of such trees. And Ryan
spoke unto the trees and asked of the trees where he might find
the owl that would reveal unto him the great penis. And the women
were pleased to see Ryan for they lived only with goats and were
lonely for the sight of a human especially a man, and they talked
sweetly to Ryan, and tried to seduce him into the forest where
they might trap him, and their little breasts wobbled prettily as
they spake but Ryan although he very much wanted to enter the
forest did not because his fear of death was stronger than his
erection, and so the ladies would not tell him of the location of
the owl, so he continued along the path until he came upon a goat
that was not like the other goats at all. In fact this goat had
no wool or horns or hooves, but feet and hands and skin and hair,
and walked upright and wore clothes and was able to speak, and
had the face and arms and legs and hands and feet like a man, and
Ryan thought that it was a very peculiar goat, and so asked of
the goat "Good goat, tell me please where I may find the great
owl so that I may find the penis that I seek." And the goat
gouged Ryan repeatedly in the eyes and the genitals with a very
sharp stick, and cursed at Ryan, and Ryan thought that it must be
a very evil goat so he ran from the goat many miles until the
goat could no longer be seen or heard, and Ryan came across
another strange goat which also had no hooves or horns or wool,
but was short and had feathers and a beak and could fly, and
which turned its head all around its body so that Ryan was dizzy.
And Ryan said unto the goad "Goat, please do not strike me but I
ask you where I may find the great owl that this land is known
for that I might find the penis of Mike" and the goat which was
not a goat said to Ryan, "You are truly stupid, I am the owl of
which you speak, and I can tell you where to find the great
penis. You must go into the desert just to the north, and there
you will find a large stone protruding out of the desert, and
there you will find the penis. Go now, you have little time" And
then owl pecked Ryan about the forehead until blood streamed down
his face and then flew away and Ryan went into the desert and he
walked for a day and a night and hungered for water and could
barely walk, but he went onward, and presently before him
appeared the great stone that the owl spake of, many hundreds of
feet tall, and shaped just like a penis in every detail, and upon
the left scrotum of this stone penis stood a naked woman, and the
woman was very beautiful, and Ryan approached the woman and he
saw that she had a burning bush, yet she did not scream or fling
her body upon the rock to put out the flame that engulfed her
love fruit. And Ryan raised his arms to the sky and said unto the
penis and unto Mike our lord "I am here great lord, I am here at
the great penis-I have traveled far and long and hard but I am
here! Speak to me!" But the voice of Mike did not come out of the
sky but from the burning bush, and Ryan saw that the lips moved
as the bush spoke-"Ryan! you have come as I ordered and you are a
great man and you are a faithful man! You have proved your faith
to me, you have passed the first test. I have a task for you. You
will devote your life to teaching the ways of Mike around the
world! You must gather the people of the world, and teach the
people of the world the correct path! They have been led astray
by Ahmed and that skinny little annoying bastard, Jesus, and the
evils of generosity and hard work have overtaken them! Save them
Ryan, save them from the clutches of Ahmed, save them! Save them
and get them to follow me, and I will reward you with much
material wealth, and you will enjoy the fruit of my heaven for
all of eternity!" And Ryan said unto Mike, "Great lord! I hear
you and I will obey! I will save the peoples of the world and
teach them of your ways! Thank you lord, and I will not fail
you!" And Mike said to Ryan "Go now, and when you have collected
a multitude of followers, rape and destroy them, and when ye have
done that laugh and at the same time cry, and beat your head upon
a rock and wish that ye had but a single cup of heated yogurt
with which to immerse your parents and lick them clean...and then
and only then will I speak to you again..."
And Ryan obeyed and Ryan was happy and thus the Word of Mike
was spread.
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