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The causes of all violence in the world, according to Gandhi:
Wealth without Work Commerce without Morality
Politics without Principle Pleasure without Conscience
Science without Humanity Rights without Responsibility
Knowledge without Character Worship without Sacrifice
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³ ÝÛÝ ÝÝ Þ ÞÞ ÞÞ ÝÝ Þ ÞÛÞ ³
³ ÝÛÝ Üþ ßÛ ßÛ Üþ ÞÛÞ My Dinner With God ³
³ ÝÛÝ ÜÝß ÞÞ ÞÞ ÜÝß ÞÛÞ ³
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ßß ßß Volume I, File VIII [010395]
Writer: Knight of Nee!
Forward
It was in August of 1994 that I started college at the
University of North Texas and met Jeff and his host of the
psychotically Christian. I know they meant well, but the
more I was around the religious, the more I began to
understand why Nietzsche said, "After coming in contact with
a religious man, I always feel I must wash my hands."
Interestingly enough, I too was once one of these terrorist
evangelicals many years ago.
But it did start me thinking. Who is the supreme being?
Where do I fit into the grand scheme of things? Does life
matter? Well, not if you consult Morrisey. But hey, what
do you expect to get from some shallow has-been who has
long outlived his talents and usefulness and spends his days
pondering, "What aspect of manic depression have I not
totally manipulated into poetic bullshit and put in lyric
form so the music-going teens of the world will spend their
hard-earned cash to become more and more depressed while I
get richer but pretend all that matters is their love?"
But I digress.
I decided to spend many a month on a spiritual pilgrimage
that would lead me to vast, sorrow-drenched land in the
distant East where only nature's secrets could be unfolded
in snow-capped mountains by men so at peace with themselves
it seemed all creation would bend if they merely asked
politely. But then I realized that too was a bunch of
poetic bullshit and would only occur in movies like "The
Razor's Edge", so I stayed in my dorm and finished that
alter to David Lynch I'd been meaning to build for a few
years now.
Of course, I finally realized what needed to be done. It
took weeks, and I had to bribe a few influential people in
the spiritual hierarchy, but I got a dinner appointment with
the Big Guy himself.
That's right.
God.
I had a dinner date with the *real* All-Father himself.
The Maker.
The Father.
Mr. Old-Testament-Hell-Fire-New-Testament-Child-Hugger
himself.
Part of the deal was I could tape record the conversation,
and He consented.
So here it is, for you, a transcript of my dinner with God.
*********
Date: Monday, December 19, 1994
Time: 6:43 PM
Place: Lotus, a Chinese restaurant off of Brown Trail near
highway 360, Bedford, Texas
<TAPE STARTS>
NEE: Ah, Mr. Jehovah I presume. <bows>
GOD: What gave me away? The flowing robes or the eternal
light?
NEE: Shoes. I always thought you'd wear loafers.
GOD: They were on sale.
<Waiter appears>
GOD: I'll have sweet and sour pork with a side order of rice
and egg rolls. Water to drink, please.
NEE: Just some sweet and sour soup. Thanks.
<Waiter bows and leaves>
GOD: <in displeased tone> I tell you, these places aren't
like they used to be. I remember back in the old day
in China. I'd occasionally spend a summer or so with a
friend of mine in the Orient and we'd go to these
little dives all the time. Best one was a tiny out-of-
the-way shack in Hong Kong, run by some guy named Yaun.
Served wonderful opium dumplings. <makes smacking sound
with lips>
NEE: Opium? Opium was a highly addictive drug imported by
the English to make the Chinese more docile and easier
to conquer and dominate.
It destroyed countless lives, not to mention a nation.
Because of it, the country would later go through a
spiral of changing hands until the American government
stepped in and carved it up among the European powers
like a Thanksgiving Turkey, and you liked that?
<silence>
GOD: I always thought you were a dick.
NEE: I always thought you were a black lesbian and active
member of NOW. I guess we're both a bit let down.
Perhaps you could tell me a bit about Heaven.
GOD: Like?
NEE: Well, is it true how the Bible described it? Streets
of gold? Flocks of angels and mortal souls bowing
before your throne, praising your great power and being
with song and music?
GOD: <laughs> Oh that. No, no. Nothing at all. You see, John
the Apostle, well, he was always a bit upset because in
the missionary/martyr business, you really don't get a
lot of chances to get creative. In reality, it's full
of paperwork and public speeches and begging nation
powers not to ravage the women of your religion and
hurl the children to hungry lions. And then you've got
to convince the people who *are* Christian not to
convert back to their heathenish ways because of a few
minor slaughters of faith's leaders by Romans and
what-not.
NEE: I can see how that would put a damper on a following.
GOD: You're telling me. Anyway, when John got around to
the book of Revelations, I could tell John was tired
and upset. Hey, who could blame the guy? The Roman
government was about to have him publicly executed for
rebellion and conspiracy. So I took him aside, and
said, `Look, John-John,' that's what I called him,
'John-John, you've had a bad week, so know what I'm
going to do for you?' and he says to me, `Get me the
fuck out of here?' and I laugh because I know he was
willing to lay his life down for me.
NEE: Willing to and wanting to are two different things.
GOD: <Annoyed> Hey, who's telling the story here? Me or
you? <calm again> As I was saying. I looks at John
and go, `Even better. I'm going to let you write the
last part of the Bible.' Know what he says to me?
`Well whoop-de-shit, Mr. Supreme Being.'
That John-John. Such a card. Well, like I says, he
was a-writing away, and I think his pent-up wants to be
artistic finally just popped out. He originally wanted
to be a choreographer, you know.
NEE: Really?
GOD: Yeah, but times were tough back then and most dancers
did it in the buff, and the Pharisees and Scribes
usually hung their carcasses up by their genitals for
the public to see. So, John-John sort of embellished
the truth a bit. Very poetic, even brought a tear to
my eye.
NEE: So, what you're saying is John the Evangelist basically
lied through his teeth about Heaven.
GOD: Sort of.
NEE: What's Heaven like?
GOD: Pueblo.
<pause>
NEE: Pueblo? Like, you mean Pueblo, Colorado?
GOD: Yes. A lot. But not as many trees. And a bit noisier.
NEE: <disappointed> Uh-huh. No singing angels?
GOD: Um, that's another thing. No angels.
NEE: What?!
GOD: They're, uh, sort of.. well.. dead.
NEE: <excitedly> Dead? As in gone? Extinct? Fineto? Are
you trying to tell me the mythical and mystical winged
race which was once the entire army of the Lord God
Almighty is dead?
GOD: Pretty much.
NEE: Oh Christ. This ought to be good.
GOD: Long story. What it breaks down to is they wanted a
pay raise, I check the records and it turns out not a
winged one of them has done dick since a little before
the French Revolution. Boy, should've nipped that in
the bud. Maybe those artsy jerks wouldn't act so
snooty, and -
NEE: <impatient> The angels.
GOD: Oh. I just killed them.
NEE: Well, how de-romanticizing of you. Is there anything
at all in the Bible that *is* true?
GOD: Mary was a virgin.
NEE: <sigh of relief> Well, at least we can rest assured
that the most amazing tale in the Bible is true. How
did a virgin give birth -
GOD: No, you misunderstand. She was a virgin, just not then.
NEE: I don't like where this is going.
<waiter appears with food>
<God lights up a cigar>
WAITER: I'm very sorry, Sir, but you are in the "No Smoking"
area.
<God turns the waiter into a tree>
NEE: Was that necessary?
GOD: I'm the Supreme One. I'll decide what's necessary.
NEE: <clears throat> Well then. Let's see. Here's a
question I'm sure many people have on their minds. How
is your relationship with Satan?
GOD: <in between chewing> Hardly knew him.
NEE: You've never met your greatest adversary? I don't
understand.
GOD: <swallows> Well, kid, you gotta stop and think. A lot
has changed in the past two-thousand years. I'll start
from the beginning. Satan, he was Saint Lucifer back
then, he wanted to break out on his own... build
himself up a small empire and start a business to be
proud of. Originally, he wanted to run a meat packing
industry.
NEE: Not very high aspirations.
GOD: <chewing again> You're telling me. But I said, `Well,
if that's what you want, go to it.' Turns out meat
packing don't pay off so good after all, but the soul
business did.
NEE: <interested> I've always wondered what profit could be
in the soul industry. What'd he do with the ones he
claimed?
GOD: Oh, well, it all goes back to when he got hooked up
with that Sidhartha character.
NEE: Buddha?
GOD: Whatever. A lot of people don't realize that Nirvana
state crap isn't anything more than a business. Sort
of like accountants. Your payment is prayer and
devotion, and for the payment you get in your next life
a better soul, or so you'd think. What they really do
is take a small bit of your personality, take your
body, re-tune it, and take a better and stronger soul
purchased from Lucifer.
NEE: Let me see if I understand you correctly. You are
trying to tell me the entire Buddhist heirarchy is a
capitalist organization, and the Prince of Darkness is
one of their stooges?
GOD: Was. A few years ago, they did some budget cuts and
cancelled their contract. Basically, they cut him out
and now collect the souls themselves. Last I heard,
Satan was the night manager in a Wal-Mart in Louisiana.
NEE: On to something else. What is your feelings about the
countless thousands Christianity has slaughtered in
your name?
GOD: <nervous> I'm not sure what you are referring to.
NEE: Allow me to elaborate. The Crusades. I'm sure you
remember that little embarrassing incident where your
people attempted to run into the Holy Land and reclaim
it from the `heathen' Muslims.
GOD: We all make mistakes.
NEE: Yes. Hold that thought. Or how about the Spanish
Inquisition? Or maybe the hundred of thousands who
were burnt at the stake for witchcraft over the
centuries? Remember the Joan of Ark barbecue? Nice
payment for a job well done. How could you allow all
these things to happen by your people and in your name?
GOD: <nervous again> So I took a nap for a few centuries.
Running all creation takes a lot out of a guy.
NEE: Enough of this. On to modern issues. The United
States seems to be wanting to return to its more
`traditional Christian' values in hopes of restoring
the nation to the greatness it once knew. This means a
possible resurgence into the Church. Do you have any
plans on trying to pull in new followers?
GOD: <proudly> Yes, actually. I've consulted with a few
people in my public relations department, and we've
decided it's high time I let the people know I'm still
watching by sending them signs of my being.
NEE: <excitedly> Really? In Old or New Testament style?
You know, are you going to go back to the old wrathful
deity schtick or revive the kind, caring tree-hugger
miracle worker bit?
GOD: <slight pause> Actually, I'd sort of planned on
starting out a bit small and working my way up to
miracles and such.
NEE: Working your way up?
GOD: Yes.
NEE: Like how?
GOD: Well, first thing, I plan on sending out Christmas
cards.
<pause>
NEE: That's it?
GOD: <shuffles a bit> They're very nice Christmas cards.
See? They're `Precious Moments'.
NEE: That's it? Do these cards heal with a touch to your
signature?
GOD: I'm not really going to sign all of them. That would
take forever. I've hired secretaries to do that.
NEE: Well... great.
GOD: Then I thought I'd make a few public appearances at the
openings of art exhibits or appear in malls for Bible
autograph sessions.
NEE: As if you wrote it.
GOD: <defensively> I might as well have. I told what should
be written.
NEE: So it breaks down to this. You, the One who Made All,
are going to let the people known you are back by
appearing in malls and kissing ass.
GOD: I was thinking more around the lines of babies.
NEE: Why no big show, God? Why not heal some lepers? Cure
world hunger? End the AIDS epidemic? Don't you think
that would be a lot more likely to get the people's
attention?
GOD: I don't want to startle them. I mean, it might not be
the right time to start the miracles. I need to build
up a public image first. Otherwise, I'll probably just
end up on Oprah.
NEE: You're a fraud.
GOD: Am not.
<Second waiter comes with check>
GOD: <hesitates> Well? Are you going to pay that or what?
END OF TAPE
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