Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Devil Shat 1999 11 11
.ili. Devil Shat Fifty Eight .ili.
--------------------------------------
A Six Word Essay ................................... by Morbus
A Tad Bit of OverZealousness ....................... by Morbus
ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told ...... by Rown Garnbii
This is Devil Shat Fifty Eight released on 11/11/99. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/
Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.
Argh! Valley Girl Headache! Valley Girl Heaaaddaccche!
----------------------------
.ili. A Six Word Essay .ili.
---------------------------- by Morbus
You'd think people would learn. Shit.
-----------------------------------------
.ili. A Tad Bit of OverZealousness .ili.
----------------------------------------- by Morbus
I have irrevocably determined that, if indeed, I was in school during
the time of the Columbine High mess, I would now be in jail, happily
avoiding skinny boy-raping motherfuckers because they want to kill me
(I'm the "bad one", they'd justify).
Now, I normally don't read the paper... I have a propensity for getting
ink on my fingers since it later shows up on everything I touch, and
that's almost as bad as those exploding ink bombs on jeans nowadays.
I digress.
I don't read the paper because there's nothing for me to read. When the
people at rantradio.com (shameless plug) bitch about a "Sports" section
being bulkier than "World News", they've hung a wall of photos based on
the amount of points they've nailed.
But, one day, waiting for my morning home fries, what should I see but
another kid being investigated for dangerous tendencies. And it's right
in my home town, too! Ooh, this has gotta be good...
Get this: the kid was given an assignment to write a scary story for
Halloween. The kid wrote a scary story. The kid got an A. Another (Care
Bear) loving kid reported the (evil) kid to his (Nazi) parents.
Said (inspired Nazi) parents walk to the (money from your pockets)
School Board and complain. The (gotta appease the peasants) School Board
asks the teacher what's going on. Suddenly, the (enlightened) teacher
realizes that the very (evil "hey, i just like lovecraft, you fuck") kid
he awarded a perfect grade to is going to kill everyone.
The (Scapegoat) kid is now on probation and is being "looked into".
All together now, re-read the first article in this issue.
Sigh. Let it go! It's over!
------------------------------------------------------
.ili. ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told... .ili.
------------------------------------------------------ by Rown Garnbii
(Part Three of Ten)
Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. A priest, a minister and a rabbi
walk into a bar...
You know... I don't know the rest of that joke. Some dickhead straight
man always stops the guy before he can finish it.
Ass...
Let's dive right in. Once again, the subject is if I'll be burning in
Hell or burning in Heaven. The measuring stick is the Ten Commandments.
Today's mystery commandment? The third:
"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of
anything that is in Heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or
that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to
them, nor serve them." (God, Exodus 20:4-6)
Phew... That's an awful lot to engrave on a stone tablet. This
commandment forbids the practice of loving or serving any image or
symbol as God or as one that signifies God.
This is a wacky one because, like I've said before, I don't get on
bended knee for anything, but the strange thing is that everyone else
does. That's just crazy. You walk in to any Christian (or Christian
spin-off) church and all you'll see are sculptures and painting of
heavenly characters. You got paintings of archangels, cherubs, saints,
Jesus walking on water adorning the walls and stained glass windows. Big
ass statues of Jesus Christ tacked to a tree that people bow down to
whenever they pass it. In the Sistine Chapel there's a huge fucking
painting of God Himself. Why is this? Why does the church, the earthly
representation and embodiment of the Lord Almighty and the love and
worship of his creation so blatantly snap the rules of God? The only
rules he himself took the time to write? Simple. Because the church is
run by a bunch of prats.
It's a very simple and understandable thing. To sell something to the
masses it has to be marketable. What makes something marketable? A) The
marketers must make you think you need it, and B) You have to feel
special once you have it. It's like that with any product: toasters,
cars, carbonated flavored beverage drinks, everything. Religion is no
different.
First, they have all these stories about a lot of cool people doing
freaky things. Most impressive. Then they tell you that if you don't
believe it you will perish for all eternity therefore you need it.
Third, and most importantly, you need merchandising!
Yes! You need crosses to wear around your neck to tell those around you,
"I am a 'fashionable' man of God!' You need a statuesque carving of
Jesus on the Cross adorning every wall in every hall of your home! It'll
look so sharp that there's no way the Savior will pass your house when
the Second Coming is a comin'! You need a classy "simulated stone"
statuette of Saint Whosyfuck, Patron Saint of Long Car Rides, on your
dashboard. And if you call within the next thirty minutes you can have,
free for twenty-five cents, a fully illustrated bible classics storybook
for the kiddies, because only by buying Christian Co. products can you
accurately show, within one one-hundredth of a percentile, exactly how
much you love the Lord, because lets face it. He's taking notes.
Right. Maybe I'm over-reacting though. Maybe I'm interpreting wrong. It
was written at a time when God's own people were worshipping golden cows
'n' shit. Maybe it was just worded badly, but that goes back to the
argument of interpretation vs. literalism. Do we do exactly what the
bible says to the letter or do what the spirit of the bible words mean.
But, of course, what is the spirit of the bible? What should we assume?
As you can tell by the thousand or so different religions that have
popped up who worship the same guy, we can't quite come to a consensus
on that answer.
To help clarify that for my self and you, the loyal irregulars who read
this shit, I've talked to several priests, ministers and rabbi's about
this thing and they all say basically the same thing. I've compacted all
our conversations into one blanket super-conversation:
Church Guy: "Rown, no one worships those statues or paintings. They
worship the Lord and bow before and praise Him. Those items only
represent Him. God is in your heart."
Me: "But then why have them at all?"
Church Guy: "To celebrate the glory of God, my son."
The Garnbii-nator: "But the commandment states specifically 'Thou shalt
not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is
in Heaven above... Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve
them.'"
Church Guy: "My son, the Commandments are only part of the spiritual
journey. You can follow them perfectly but if you do not truly believe
in the Lords eternal love for you and realize that Jesus died on the
cross for you, they're useless. The Lord doesn't expect you to never
break his laws, only to seek his love and forgiveness when you do."
The Ever Lovin' Rown: "So, wait. Are you saying that you can do it
because you confess your sin each week to God or that you can break the
rules all together?"
Church Guy: "... Get out of my fucking church."
What can I say. I guess I'm a bit of a literalist. I mean, God is billed
as perfect and a perfect being wouldn't fuck up the wording of a sacred
law. Maybe God's lawyers should have drafted the Ten Commandments. "Mr.,
Moses, we represent the Almighty and we've drafted up these one-hundred
twenty-four stone tablets outlining his ten sacred laws. Please chisel
you name here, and here, and here..."
Ah dogma. Where would my writing career be without it? And where will I
be this November? That's right. At a theater watching Kevin Smith's new
controversial flick, "Dogma." Something tells me that it's a movie that
will speak to me. And I'll be smiling through it because things are
looking up for me on the scoreboard.
Hell - 2 / Salvation - 1
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The website edition includes images, a nice design, and all of the email
we have received about this issue. Go there and um, er, have fun:
http://www.disobey.com/devilshat/
Copyright 1997-1999 Disobey. All rights reserved. You may not steal,
maim, hold for ransom, kill, or rape any part of this issue.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe DevilShat
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe DevilShat
------------------------------------------------------------------------
