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Devil Shat 1999 10 14
.ili. Devil Shat Fifty Seven .ili.
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COMING SOON! The Horror Section .................... by Morbus
MAXIMizing Potential ............................... by Morbus
ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told ...... by Rown Garnbii
This is Devil Shat Fifty Seven released on 10/14/99. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/
Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.
Money, money, money, send me money (for a hard floor vacuum)!
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.ili. COMING SOON! The Horror Section .ili.
------------------------------------------- by Morbus
It's with great pleasure that I bring to you the following info: October
31st, 1999. The most cliched Halloween of them all. And that is exactly
the date that Disobey releases its newest site: The Horror Section.
To entertain another cliche: "it's not like the others". Trust the
following kudo from treasured ezine Viewer Discretion:
"...having been privileged to test run the beta of this sight I can say
that it is going to be the horror site online that all other horror
sites are judged by."
Tease yourself: http://www.disobey.com/horror/
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.ili. MAXIMizing Potential .ili.
-------------------------------- by Morbus
It definitely hasn't been the first time. And it probably won't be the
last. For most people, it's all about Image. And that incredible lust
for a good one has caused a fuss in the television world.
Enter "Sabrina: Teenage Witch". A crappy ass show starring the worst
animatronic cat I have ever seen (that talks and occasionally transforms
into an equally hideous man) and the star of the old "Clarissa Explains
It All" from Nickelodeon, Melissa Joan Hart.
Apparently "Sabrina" is a family show, which makes sense since an
equally queer animation runs on the Disney channel. What the animation
loses in viewers, it makes up for in looks - the animated women are
rather adorable, even though it's important to have a trigger happy
"Mute" button.
That's really not the point, though. Enter Bikini Magazine and Maxim.
Very stripped for talent (whether it be because they're not looking in
the right place, or they've simply been given "No!" too many times),
they started hitting the family TV circuit.
And their eyes laid on the star of "Sabrina". May they rot and burn.
Fast forward to just a couple of weeks ago. Melissa Joan Hart is now the
cover girl for both magazines, and Maxim claims "The Witch Without A
Stitch" on the cover. Inside, we see photos of "MJH" half nude, or not
clothed at all, with merely a terry cloth thrown over her privates.
Viacom, the creators of "Sabrina" (everyone now, together: May they rot
and burn) are noticeably pissed. They have a little talk with our cute
little MJH and suggest that since it's a family show "YOU DON'T GO
SHOWING OFF YOUR BODY AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!".
Oh, did I forget to mention?
Maxim gave Ms. Hart an interview, one in which she condones binge
drinking, sex romps, and dressing up like a gorilla and honking men's
penii. She also mentions her birthday party where her and twelve other
woman ran around some foreign country half nude drinking and having a
great old time. (Note: The previous paragraph was written based on third
party knowledge - I don't read the freakin' crap ass magazine that
proclaims itself to be "the best thing for man besides woman").
Viacom thinks that it can order their star to refrain from being who she
wants to be (or rather, who she thinks she can get more media play from)
just because it doesn't fit into their viewing market. "It's a bad 'role
model' for our viewers."
The point I think they fail to miss is their age group. Maxim Magazine
is read by 16 year olds and up. "Sabrina", on the other hand, is a
family show. No 16 year old is going to be caught dead watching "a
family show". Nor is a 14 year old boy going to have money to buy the
mag, much left reach the top shelf where it's located.
They also assume parents are going to teach their children something.
How many parents do you know buy Maxim? How many of those parents pass
the information they read in Maxim to their kids?
It all boils down to that fact that the people who watch "Sabrina" don't
read Maxim and vice versa. Viacom has nothing to worry about, and
brought more attention to their problem then if they had just left it
be.
Much less the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is the MOST HIDEOUS WOMAN
TRYING TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. Shit, what the hell were
those two magazines thinking? God freaking damn: writing this article
caused me to choke down bile about two or three times. Damn.
(Tiny text: This was a paid advertisement from Maxim Magazine.)
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.ili. ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told... .ili.
------------------------------------------------------ by Rown Garnbii
or: My spell checker doesn't know "thou", "thy", or "shalt"... drat.
(Part Two of Ten)
For those just joining us here at Devil Shat, I'm attempting to answer
the question of whether or not I'm going to Hell. Once again, the
parameters we're using are only the Ten Commandments and whatever tacked
on stipulations that have been recently added by modern religion.
Normally I wouldn't give a fuck about those stipulations since they
weren't in little parentheticals in the margin of the stone tablets but
hey, why not appease the people I'm attacking and throw 'em a bone, eh?
My last column left me going to Hell with a score of one against. Now we
move on to the second.
"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" (God, Exodus
20:7)
This commandment forbids the following low despicable acts: Taking God's
name in vain (i.e. Goddamn, Jesus Christ, etc.) blaspheming, swearing,
practicing witchcraft, telling lies and cheating.
Okay, I've definitely said Goddamn and Jesus 'n' shit. (look, I did it
just now) so, yeah, God's got me by the scrotum on that one but let's be
honest. Those aren't actually God's real name. God is a title and Jesus
was his hippie son, and you know God didn't approve of him. Jesus,
walking around in his prehistoric Birkenstocks preaching love of fellow
man and compassion. God never did any of that shit. He blew up entire
continents just to drive his point home and he never gave a shit who you
loved besides him. Either way, his real name, according to the last
lunatic preacher or a car hood I passed, is Jehovah. And I've never
swore using that name. In other legends I've heard that his real name is
something like seventy letters long and whom ever speaks it will control
the ultimate power of God, but that's all tot of course. (Note to self,
find out God's real name)
I suppose with a good enough lawyer I could get by with that twisted
logic or that by shouting his name I'm really just asking for his help
which is suppose to be all aces with him, but it all comes crashing down
around my ass when I get to the part about swearing. I can't get around
that. Hell, I'm swearing right now, constantly in the back of my head.
Although I'm pretty sure the quality of cuss words were a tiny bit
different B.C. than they are now. They were different only a couple
decades ago. There was a time when you couldn't say "tush" on air but
now with a handy dandy MA rating you can say "asshole" until you're blue
in the balls.
But even that doesn't mean a thing because of the whole blasphemy shit.
I blaspheme in my sleep. I'm doing it right now in this riveting ten
part series. And I'll do it to the day I die. Whether I'll end up doing
it in Hell still remains to be seen. But wait, maybe there's a loophole
in that too. My dictionary defines "blasphemy" as "to speak impiously or
irreverently of God."
...shit.
I guess He's got me there. That's one more for the bad guys.
Hell - 2 / Salvation - 0
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