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Devil Shat 1998 11 19
.ili. Devil Shat Forty .ili.
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Goals to Achieving Inner Peace, Part Two ........... by Morbus
This is Devil Shat Forty released on 11/19/98. Devil Shat is published
by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of the issues
are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/
Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.
Gobble, bitch! Gobble!
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.ili. Goals to Achieving Inner Peace, Part Two .ili.
---------------------------------------------------- by Morbus
Strangely enough, I was treated to a stunning revelation after the last
release of Devil Shat. Seems many people had been looking for the
secrets to happiness and peace and were willing to read about them...
and were also willing to find out more.
Which is interesting. These goals were mine, and were meant for me to
understand and accomplish. Releasing them to the world, and explaining
them in handy paragraph format explains a part of me, and who I am.
True, some of the paragraphs in this article and the one before seem to
make no sense at all, yet to me they are crystal clear.
It would stand to reason that people who like these goals will attempt
these goals... in effect, mimicking my life and beliefs. Am I worried?
Minimally. Most readers who take these goals to heart will modify them
slightly, fitting their own lifestyle and habits. And that's just fine,
as long as you remember who enlightened you.
And thus, ne'er intended, Devil Shat brings you the second self-help
column we'll probably ever publish. Now go out and make the world a
better place (sfx: fade in of "We Are The World").
10) "Donate newborn kittens to NutraSweet for further testing of their
product."
Doing things to intentionally piss people off for no reason is FUN.
Although this should definitely be used in moderation, throw meat at
vegetarian restaurants on Halloween. Be sure to use lots of blood.
Sneeze on those who are constantly concerned about their cleanliness.
Put books in the wrong place at the library.
The reasoning? Well, in essence, you're helping them. Vegetarians like
to clean their vegetables again and again, so... they'll love to make
their building clean. People who are worried about how clean they are
will love the opportunity to give themselves a nice scrub down. And hey,
you're giving that poor, bored library lackey something to do besides
try to get porn on the safeguarded computers. And you're helping
NutraSweet make everyone's coffee just a little bit better in the
morning.
IN OTHER WORDS: Some people will look at you and your actions and try to
judge them based upon what they can see and understand. They shouldn't
waste their time trying.
11) "Surprise an enemy with revenge."
I used to be a big fan of roleplaying games, and always played evil
characters. Why? They have the best of both worlds. My favorite example
is to walk into a town and befriend the natives. Stay with them for
months, gaining their trust and baby sitting their children. Sure, you
may be evil, but they can never guess your hidden agenda (see #10).
After months of becoming a part of the town, you rob them blind. And
it's incredibly easy.
The same can be said of real life. Someone pisses you off and makes you
incredibly angry. You can strike out according to goals #3 and #7 (see
last issue), or you can let it slide off your back like water. Or at
least make it appear to. As you feed your dislike and desire, you
befriend your enemy, and lure them into a false sense of comfort. When
you finally strike out, the mind is the most damaged as they try to cope
with what their "friend" has done to them.
IN OTHER WORDS: Sometimes, patience is more warranted then instant
response and action. Whatever the case, let it feed you instead of
breaking you apart.
12) "Desecrate as many crucifixes as possible."
Religion is a very testy subject. Tell any Christian that you're a
Satanist, and suddenly they hate and scorn you... even though the past
four months you've been welcomed into their home. As they back away from
you, they reach for that magical amulet hanging around their chest: the
cross or crucifix.
Putting care into such a simple object that cost them $20 at some flea
market or carnival is pretty damn pathetic. Show them it is by
demonstrating your complete disregard for the object in question. Hell,
Christians get offended by pentagrams and scorn them in every instance.
Yet, you don't see pentagrams crafted out of stone on every relevant
building. Show them how offended you are by their display and loving of
the cross.
IN OTHER WORDS: People place high value in pretty stupid things. When
that value becomes a crutch for their own beliefs, fears, and hopes,
something needs to be done about it.
13) "Indulge yourself always and without shame."
Pretty easy to understand. This should be your mantra: I am in it for
me. Eat all the cake because it's good. If it wasn't meant to be eaten,
it wouldn't have been placed in front of you. Don't get pressured into
working late one night even if they "really need you". Say you have
plans, even if you don't. If it wasn't on the schedule, than they did a
bad job scheduling. Someone stepped out of a long line? Don't offer
their place back.
IN OTHER WORDS: Things are to be done for you, and for you alone. There
is no shame in looking out for other people's best interest, why should
there be shame in looking out for your own?
14) "Take drugs whenever possible."
Replace "drugs" with whatever makes you happy. Flaunt it. Make sure
people know you only drink generic soda, and you average a two liter
bottle every two hours. Don't offer them any. Or better yet, give them
flat soda that you have backwashed in. Or the kind that makes your shit
turn blue and gives you bad abdominal pain. Either way, turn them off to
your drug. Give them the worse it has to offer, let them run away, and
happily enjoy what is yours. Then they won't ask for a sip or a hit or a
bit.
IN OTHER WORDS: Turn people off to something you do all the time. The
more people scorn what you enjoy, the greater the feeling of having it
all to yourself. (A perfect example of this is the Skeleteen/Eat Me
Foods soda from California. How many people would willingly drink a soda
that had jalepeno's added and fizzed all over the place?)
15) "Eat nothing but meat."
Engage in pointless acts of repetitiveness. Wear black all one week and
ignore people who come up and ask if you're "going goth". Eat only
cereal all week long because you feel like it. Take a week off from
working on that high trafficked website because you'd rather play arcade
games to get in some stupid record book.
Do something until you get sick of it (literally stomach ache'd), get
bored with it ("dammit, i beat it again on one quarter") or until people
get used to you ("did you hear? billy went go... oh... you did?"). The
fact of the matter is: keep yourself guessing, and more importantly,
those around you.
IN OTHER WORDS: Enjoy something until the reaction is over with. Then,
move on to something better. If you confuse people on the way, then
they're not very smart.
16) "Eviscerate anyone wearing white shoes."
How many people know what "eviscerate" mean? Sounds deadly, doesn't it?
Sounds harsh and damaging. It means to "disembowel". And hey, what
better way to show someone you care? Go up and give them a gut cut.
While they are slowly and painfully dying, tell them about how white
shoes went out so long ago and that they really should stop buying at a
department store and instead at a real shoe place like Payless. Or how
they shouldn't be wearing their socks as high as they are because they
look like a friggin' retard. Or how they really need to take a shower
because their feet stink.
IN OTHER WORDS: Don't be afraid to rip someone apart if they deserve it.
Most people do.
17) "Snarl at children behind their minders' backs - it toughens them
for the horror ahead."
Teach your children and their friends about the trials of life as soon
as possible. Print out Devil Shat every issue and read it to them as a
bedtime story. Introduce them to rape at an early age (through words,
you sicko). Let them know about the "cool" things that will happen when
they get bumps on their nutsack. Give them one of those things that
people put up to their throat to talk with because they've smoked too
much. Make them use it for a week (see goal #15). Hang them upside down
from the wall for a day to teach them the minimal effects of harmful
drugs. Perhaps put a smoking candle beneath them to induce teary eyes.
IN OTHER WORDS: You can never be cynical enough... be sure to pass the
torch onto your children. Most parents want their kids to grow up to be
better than them... what a perfect way to begin.
18) "Humiliate objectionable types as often as possible."
So you're talking to one of the people you call your friend. It's a calm
argument, nothing big. Suddenly, someone comes up, listens in, and
offers his two cents, contradicting what you just said. You're pissed
off. Who the hell is this guy? Beat him at his own game... tell him why
he is wrong, why you are right, and make sure he understands how badly
he is wrong. If you're arguing something incredibly pointless, like if
aliens really do exist, just let him know how rude he has been.
IN OTHER WORDS: People shouldn't butt into your business, whatever it
may be. Make sure they won't do it again.
19) "Everyone can be used."
No matter how hard you fail to notice it, everyone has something you can
use. Perhaps contradicting everything else that has been said: don't
piss people off unnecessarily. If you convince someone that you're a
nice guy and it benefits them to be friends with you, then you've just
earned an unspoken favor. Whether it be information, a ride home during
suck ass weather, or something else entirely, everyone has something to
give... and that means you have something to take.
IN OTHER WORDS: Don't alienate yourself from opportunity. Oftentimes, a
friendly face will get you a lot further than your normal self.
20) "Never doubt you are under a curse."
Probably the most important goal in this whole series. Even if the world
ISN'T against you, you must assume it is. You must rise up and fight
harder for what you want. If things aren't going your way, you must
admit to yourself that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. It's the curse, the guy down
the hall, or that gross ass danish you had this morning.
Note that this is not paranoia. Paranoia is irrational, whereas the
curse is not. There's a chance it doesn't exist at all... however, you
should always believe it does. It's a key factor in becoming happy and
feeling better about yourself. Opposition makes you stronger, smarter,
and with purpose.
IN OTHER WORDS: Believe that something is out to make your life hell and
to prevent you from being happy. Work to defeat it.
Setting goals is very important for many people. Without goals, some
feel without a mission, content to sit in a chair and look for stupid
websites to busy their time. Whether you follow some, all or none of the
goals listed above, you HAVE learned something.
WHAT you've learned is another matter entirely.
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