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Devil Shat 1998 01 01
.ili. Devil Shat Seventeen .ili.
------------------------------------
Happy Done-That Year ............................... by Morbus
Kill a Tree for Christ ........................ by Alex Boomer
The Revolution ............................... by Tom Giddings
This is Devil Shat Seventeen released on 01/01/98. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/
Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.
Happy Done-That Year. Hope you like getting drunk.
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.ili. Happy Done-That Year .ili.
-------------------------------- by Morbus
It's hard for me to get excited over the prospect of another year
ending, and another beginning. Perhaps it is because of the same-old
fireworks, or the same-old ball dropping, or the countless
year-in-review specials. Perhaps it is because of the amount of people
giving resolutions, or setting firm goals to their dreams, or otherwise
acting as if they will be a new person. Or, perhaps, as the title
suggests, it is because it's been done already.
How much more exciting can a new year get? Is it not as commercialized
as buying new socks? There are year-end sales, and "crazy, crazy"
deals... but it's all been done before. People should get tired of
blowing their little horns, and cranking their little crankers, and
getting drunk. But they don't. People seem to treat New Year's as some
sort of giant worldwide party that they can reminisce about when they
have sobered up the next day.
<enter play mode>
PERSON #1: Man, that was a great new year's party, huh?
PERSON #2: Yeah, man, hey, pass the bottle... I'm starting to see
straight, again.
PERSON #1: (swigs from bottle), braapp!
<end play mode>
Repetitiveness can be a good thing. You can repeat phrases from your
favorite book because they inspire you. You can draw the same thing
hundreds of times, trying to get the exact perfection you want. You can
help the homeless. But repetitiveness can also be bad when it signifies
nothing. What do you accomplish by setting false goals, or getting
drunk, or watching fireworks? Each of those things already have their
own times during the year (birthday, friday nights, and july 4th
respectively)... they don't increase in value by doing them all at once.
I don't know what to suggest, or even if my point has been adequately
explained. I only know that year after year, the "new" means less and
less. Sure, we have turned a calendar year, but we have become no
different, nor has the world around us. We feel content to leave it at
that: an incremental digit meaning nothing besides a chance to take off
from a day of work, and get wasted in any number of ways.
So, Happy Done-That Year, Devil Shat readers. May your resolutions fade
quickly from your mind, the alcohol from your bloodstream, and the dying
light of fireworks from your eyes. It's going to be another boring year.
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.ili. Kill a Tree for Christ .ili.
---------------------------------- by Alex Boomer
If Jesus saves
Then he better save Himself
From the gory glory seekers
Who use His name in death
-----------------Ian Anderson
Dying on the inside and glittering on the outside, dead trees in the
home inspire Christians to rampant consumerism and excessive drinking.
The seasonal orgy of stress, greed, and unrealistic expectations
shattered is inspired by the death of a hundred million infant trees
each year.
In the Early centuries of the first millennium, a wave of proselytes
swept over Europe and Asia. Like some sort of Holy Roman Empire version
of Jehovah's Witnesses; banging on doors and yurt flaps, scheming to
subvert Pagan celebrations into Christian Holidays. "You, too, can
convert to Christianity and still enjoy having a dead tree in your house
for a few weeks every year," they preached.
Traditionally, trees were brought into pagan homes just before the
winter solstice for the purpose of absorbing evil spirits. At the end of
the "Yuletide" the trees would be taken outside and burned, destroying
the evil spirits. In modern times these trees, bearing their load of
Evil spirits, are scattered across vacant lots, dumped over the
neighbors fence, tossed out down by the river and otherwise abandoned
where no one is looking. The result is that evil spirits are scattered
around and left to ooze out all over the neighborhood. This surely
explains the increase in DUI arrests, suicidal tendencies, memory loss
and domestic violence on New Year's Eve. The new practice of having
public mulchings of expired trees may or may not solve this problem. It
is unclear what becomes of an evil spirit which is run through a
chipper-shredder.
Experts speculate that the scarcity of trees in North Africa is a
primary reason that there are few Christians there. Perhaps the spread
of Christianity could be facilitated by exporting Christmas tree farmers
and department stores instead of missionaries.
-------------------------
ili. The Revolution .ili.
------------------------- by Tom Giddings
the revolution will not be televised. there will not be
goofy-but-lovable dads, spunky-but-lovable kids, ditzy-but-lovable moms,
or curmudgeonly-but-lovable grandparents. there will be no bad jokes,
and there will certainly not be a laugh track. the revolution will not
be televised.
the revolution will not be televised. no score will be kept. there will
be no instant replays. there will be no referees. the playing field will
not be clearly marked, and neither will the teams. the winners will not
bring home a trophy. the revolution will not be televised.
the revolution will not be televised. the wheel will not be spun for
cash and prizes. no-one will ask to see what's behind door number three.
the answer will not be given in the for of a $64,000 question. Don Pardo
will not tell the runners-up what they've won. there will be no exciting
new home game. the revolution will not be televised.
the revolution will not be televised. there will be no commercial
breaks. it will not be sold by heavy-breasted-yet-anorexic super models
espousing family values. there will be no cooing babies held by
screaming salesmen clad in plaid polyester suits. there will be no
celebrity endorsements of late-night 1-900-JACKOFF lines staffed by the
Swedish bikini team. it will not come in packs of six or in cases of
twelve or twenty-four. it will not slice, it will not dice, it will not
make thousands of julienne fries. the revolution will not be televised.
the revolution will not be televised. there will be no sound bites, no
creative camera angles, no snide comments from animated redneck
prepubescents. there will be no lip-synck contests. there will be no
mention of Generation X, rave culture, grunge fashion, "Totally 80's",
or Marsha Brady. John Lennon, Sid Vicious, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain
will not be deified. the revolution will not be televised.
the revolution will not be televised. there will be no callers and we
will take no questions from the audience. our guests will not be closet
teenage gay pregnant overweight bulimic gang member junky interracial
anarchist S&M necrobestialpedophiles who disobey their parents and the
poodles who love them but had affairs with their sisters husband. and
again, there will be no mention of Generation X. the revolution will not
be televised.
this has been a public service announcement from Face Enterprises. if
this had been a real emergency, you would have heard a lot of screaming
from outside your house, accompanied by the sounds of gunfire and the
National Guard shelling the low-rent district and artist's quarter of
your city, followed by an announcement from the government that the
situation is under control and martial law has been instated, along with
a seven o' clock curfew. c1994, all rights reserved. any resemblance to
persons living or dead without purposes of satire is purely intentional.
do not wash in cold or hot water. this end up. walk, do not run, to your
nearest gun store. remember Kent State. the revolution starts here. the
revolution starts now. the revolution will not be televised.
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