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Devil Shat 1998 03 26
.ili. Devil Shat Twenty Three .ili.
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The Devil Shat Dictionary, Part Two ................ by Morbus
G. Nih Ton Saves You, Intro .................... by g. nih ton
This is Devil Shat Twenty Three released on 03/26/98. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/
Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.
Devil Shat is a magical number!
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.ili. The Devil Shat Dictionary, Part Two .ili.
----------------------------------------------- by Morbus
If you remember, way back in Issue Ten, we ran the Devil Shat Dictionary
as some sort of special deal... you know, everything we talked about in
the first nine issues dummied up into something that could be easily
defined. Some people hated it, some people liked it. So, it's been a
long time coming, but here is Part Two.
For those who hated it, don't worry. This will be the last time. We will
still be doing the Devil Shat Dictionary, but only in the online
versions of Devil Shat. And for those who liked it, we plan to keep it
updated every issue, so that if you don't know what something means
(um...), you can quickly jump over to the special and see if we defined
it.
So without further Mountain Dew...
ACCEPTED A SUCK: Another term for saying "yes" to a blow job.
ALT.BEATMYWIFE: Got a habit, desire, or secret fetish? put "alt." in
front of it for newsgroups, and throw a ".com" on it for websites,
and you'll probably find it. Directly linked to shootingdogs.com and
other websites that only those searching for them will ever find.
ALT.THOUGHT: An empty newsgroup that hasn't received a meaningful post
since I subscribed to it. Obviously no one is looking for thought
anymore.
ANTIQUE STORE: Another name for Heaven... so called because Heaven is
never cleaned out, only added too.
BARBIE'S ASS: Used in the phrase "who gives a barbie's ass?", this is
more detailed than "who gives a shit" as it gets to the root of the
matter.
BARCODE: As pointless as most anything can be (bunch of different widths
of lines), the barcode is often referred to as the "mark of the beast"
since without it, you cannot buy (most of the time).
BETTER MURDERER: When you kill more people than the enemy; often used
when your son comes home after surviving a war... he became a better
murderer than the enemy.
CONTRADICTION OF LIFE: A philosophy that represents the opposite of
everything we see around us... life is around us, yet the philosophy is
based around everything that contradicts these beliefs, actions, and
sights.
COW LOVING GROUP ONE: They like holstein cows.
COW LOVING GROUP THREE: They paint Gateway advertisements on cows.
DONE THAT YEAR: The strange fascination that when January 1st comes
around, there is a "new" year. What holds true is totally opposite:
nothing is new, merely redone with prettier colors.
D-WORD: He writes stuff about sports, of course, being usually filled
with extensive stats that no one who reads Devil Shat would care about
and as such, are heavily edited. You can use "d-word" in a sentence if
someone is being too verbose or too detailed. Just start yelling it at
them.
EMBRACE THE DEVIL: Hell, do it again! Used in conjunction with efforts
to lose personality/freedom/life, i.e.: office cubicles, identification
numbers, and so forth.
EMOTIONLESS: The name of someone who supposedly committed suicide on the
web. She is now getting the attention she deserves. Guess she "one-upped"
Tim Leary.
FILM AT TEN: To be heartless and uncaring about something. To dummy up
an emotional instance into a monotonic recital of facts. (eg. "your
mother died today, film at ten").
FORM LETTER: What the government sends you when your boy dies in the war.
FORTUNE COOKIE RESPONSES: When people try to answer questions by giving
very interpretative statements that mean totally different things to
myself, you, or Johnny. In other words, they are no answer at all.
GULF WAR SYNDROME: A buzz phrase for "I saved your asses, look at me!"
I PRODUCED A CAT: It was painful. neko unjatta.
ICQ: The devil's tool for communicating with his human sinners. His ICQ
number (see: "UIN") is 2927491
IMAGE: What you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to like, and
who you are supposed to hang out with.
JOHNNY: Our miscellaneous guy to pick on when we need to make an example.
Best characterized by the fat guy who kills himself in Full Metal
Jacket.
JOIN HANDS AND SING SONGS: False happiness over small victories.
KHAAMO: "Kick His Ass And Move On," a secret "acronym-code" that has
been revealed here for the first time.
LANGUAGE OF TYPE: The language most people use in chat rooms, or in
email... consists primarily of three letter acronyms (lol), smiley faces
(: and other abbreviations for emotions and other pesky human actions.
LOSS OF FREEDOM: A vice of the devil, with this wonderful world of
immediate communication (pagers, cellphones, etc.), you lose time for
yourself to be alone.
LOVE-LOVE COMMUNICATION: Computer sex... when you connect one
toy/product to another and they make babies.
MAYTAG (has nothing to do with Devil Shat but Morbus said it once, so
there): When someone sits on his ass and does nothing (eg. "it's better
than being maytag", "all Johnny does is maytag all day")
MODEM POTATOES: Just like couch potatoes, you sit in front of your
computer all day doing stuff on the internet and often, after hours and
hours of doing stuff, you found you have done nothing at all.
OPTIONAL KEY CHAIN ATTACHMENT: A glitzy addition that is supposed to be
exciting, but really becomes another meaningless and useless feature to
an already pointless product (ie. outside floor mats with stenciled
designs)
POINTLESS: "You're just like a Lifesaver: pointless" (again, has nothing
to do with Devil Shat, but Morbus said it once).
PULL A COBAIN or PULL A HEMINGWAY: Committing suicide by shooting
yourself.
SOME GUY NAMED ANDREW: His head hurts, brother of Johnny; (see "Johnny")
STRESS MANAGEMENT: A nice politically correct term that allows you to go
crazy in a video game and kill your boss and your family and everyone
you know to relieve your real life fantasy/desire.
SUICIDALLY FICKLE: It's late in life, you have no direction... you want
to do this, you want to do that, but you keep changing your mind. Now is
not the time for indecision; the older you get, the harder it is to be
something.
TRADING LIGHTS AT VERVE PIPE CONCERTS: (see "pointless")
UIN: Stands for "universal identification number" and is the system used
by ICQ where you are identified as only a number... your name and info
are second-best.
WAGING WAR TO KEEP THE PEACE: (see "stupidity")
WHAT DO TREES HAVE TO DO WITH CHRIST?: They had to cut something down to
make that cross.
WHEN I GROW UP: A metaphysical stage that kids talk about. They don't
know when they are going to reach it, just that they will do this or
that "when they grow up". Most of the time, they never grow up though,
and at age 16, are still saying the same damn thing.
WHEN SATAN COMES TO KICK SOME ASS: When the Armageddon comes and the
Royal Rumble (quote, unquote) between Satan and Jesus begins.
And there you have it. If you want to take a look at the full Devil Shat
Dictionary, you can visit http://www.disobey.com/devilshat and follow
the links from there.
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.ili. G. Nih Ton Saves You, Intro .ili.
--------------------------------------- by g. nih ton
I've had some concerns lately about the quality of my work since coming
to roost at Devil Shat. Since others tend to agree, I can't be all that
wrong; so let me re-introduce a favorite of mine: the ongoing,
ever-evolving trilogy of universe saving. I started this a while back
on a shitty little zine that refuses to remain nameless and it was one
of the best series ever seen. So good that it was emulated by losers
from miles around. Revel folks, no one keeps you from devastation like
I do.
And with that, let me begin the first of four articles dedicated to my
self-righteous thought process.
Let me start off with the important question.
Why do I need to save the world? There are two reasons. To tell you the
truth, I don't need to save anything, but the only way to get nothing
accomplished is by bitching over pointless shit that no one really gives
a damn about and then following it up by actively being passive. The
other reason is: I'm sick and tired of all these bullshit makeshift self
proclaimed custom made evangelists telling us what in the hell is good
for all of us. Why can't I do it? Why can't I dictate what is better
for us? Surely, skills as an overbearing parent can't be much worse
than, oh say, Joe Jackson.
Some of you may be question my credentials here, but we're all fucking
evangelists and hypocrites and proud members in the Church of Self. You
can't bullshit me the other way on this. If you can bitch and moan
about what will make my world a better place, I'll tell you how to
improve yours. It's just that simple.
There are three ways to save the world and lucky for you, I forgot all
of them. Since this trilogy is ever-evolving, it changes from day to
night. What I can tell you, though, is how I triumphed over evil last
time. Not necessarily in the following order, but the ways involved the
elimination of talk shows, PSAs, and advice columns.. If you ask me,
the last one would have been the most beneficial to mankind.
Unfortunately, nobody gave a damn.
I suppose that if I were to list the ways in which I would save your
ass, it would have something to do with a lobotomy, prune juice, and
MacGyver. However, people change and so do I, so don't wait for these
ways to come to pass.
To recap, I'm loosening up, saving the world, and giving you a reason to
believe. Count the ways to Hell and you'll see me every step of the way.
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we have received about this issue. Go there and um, er, have fun:
http://www.disobey.com/devilshat/
Copyright 1997-1999 Disobey. You may not steal, maim, hold for ransom,
kill, or rape any part of this issue.
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