Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Devil Shat 2000 05 11
.ili. Devil Shat Sixty Four .ili.
------------------------------------
Welcome Front ...................................... by Morbus
ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told ...... by Rown Garnbii
This is Devil Shat Sixty Four released on 05/11/00. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/
Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.
64? It seems so magical...
-------------------------
.ili. Welcome Front .ili.
------------------------- by Morbus
You know, I'm quite annoyed at a few things: the summer heat that has
creeped rather obnoxiously into my life, the broken fan that churns
unlike butter in my crappy old computer, the fact that I keep dying
while playing the Zerg in Starcraft or have little time to play Age of
Empires 2 or The Sims.
I'm rather annoyed at the lack of time in my life. But mostly, I'm just
annoyed at Elian. Enough so to entertain you with an article. Then
again, I grew bored. I flicked on the TV and see South Park did a much
better (and more animated) job of expressing my feelings. Scratch that.
What else can I be annoyed by? Perhaps Microsoft and its pathetic
pleaing with the government. Or having no fucking clue how to spell
"pleaing", much less the fact that people keep telling me that "clichic"
isn't a word (later in life, I realize its "pleading". Of course,
correcting it ruins my point.). And the fact that I only made $200 on
last night's Jeopardy annoys the bejesus outta me.
What really annoys me is sweaty feet. I'm sitting here, naked, roasting
in the heat of four computers and the beating sun, leaving puddles of
stank ass liquid on a wooden floor.
What's worse is that the ants have decided to pay a visit, and they
saunter around like they own the place. They probably do. It's funny
thinking there are about 10 kazillion more ants in the world, and I'm
sure if they wanted to, they'd kick our pathetic human ass in a second.
Of course, perhaps they're just infiltrating completely into our life.
And that within a few years, when the last vestiges of humanity have
been penetrated, they'll demand we extinguish "that with the long nose".
And if we don't, then they'll take over some TV studio and show humans
covered from head to toe in ants, crawling in every orifice.
Shock and disgust is a very powerful feeling. And sending some Japanese
ants to crawl on powerful leaders as they watch the display is sure to
win them a case.
But I digress.
You know what else annoys? "Oops! I Did It Again!". That fucking Spears
song has been floating through my head all week. To make it even worse,
I fucking WOKE UP to that phrase. That'll teach me to use a radio
instead of that soothing robotic klaxon as my alarm.
I'm also annoyed that my boxers have lately found it humorous to find
the exact spot where my penis will fit through the slit, rubbing against
my pants like an annoying paper cut that won't go away. I think they
find it funny when I try to re-adjust myself. They keep at it though,
inwardly chuckling.
When so many things bother me, I wonder why I sit down to Devil Shat and
silently remark I have nothing to write about.
It's quite annoying.
------------------------------------------------------
.ili. ASSHOLIC: The Greatest Column Ever Told... .ili.
------------------------------------------------------ by Rown Garnbii
HolisticFP@aol.com
(Part Nine of Ten)
"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."
(God, Exodus 20:16)
Lies are probably the most important thing in our society. Seriously.
Let's face it, truth can suck. The strong can take that truth and use it
in a beneficial way, but usually don't. To the weak, truth is fairly
useless. It can't feed or clothe them so they usually just use truth to
cause small bits of trouble for others. Lies, on the other hand, keep
people happy and content with what they have. It's a blessing when you
look at it like this. The problem is that it's pretty damn evil and in
"truth" lies suck ass too. What you have to decide is which is the more
evil in a given situation, truth or lies.
I've got a friend who adamantly believes in truth at any cost. He hates
lies. Can't stand 'em. He wouldn't give a fuck if I killed his entire
family but if I lied about it then I'd be in some real damn trouble.
I think it all boils down to one scenario. If your significant other
cheated on you, just a one time mistake, would you want to know?
Many people would say "yes, of course." And to their credit they feel
they're brave enough to hear the answer. Personally, I wouldn't want to
hear about it. She'd already feel like hell, (at least she better, the
bitch) there's really no reason for us both to feel bad. Especially
since I'm the wronged party. Why should I have to suffer for even a
second?
Some think that the cheater hasn't suffered enough and that if they knew
what happened then they could make that person's life a living hell
though guilt and flat out yelling. But the curiosity is that, that isn't
what happens at all. Sure, they do feel bad if you yell at them and
throw things but they actually feel better about themselves for having
told the truth. It's a great weight lifted from their shoulders.
Unfortunately that weight lands from their shoulders directly on to your
dick, or what-have-you.
Let them suffer silently. If the relationship is worth saving then
they'll have to choke it down. If they can't take the guilt and they
leave you then the relationship wouldn't have lasted. Besides, after
cheating they'll be a lot nicer to you from that point on. Guilt rules.
Of course this is just my opinion. You probably want someone more
important to chime in.
God doesn't want people to lie. He said so in the above commandment. But
is he against every lie or just the big ones?
To tell you the truth I think this commandment is misunderstood. Reading
the explanation given by my internet sources, it doesn't mention lying.
It stresses that one should speak up for our neighbor in order to
protect him from slanderous accusations. To not spread rumors about
them. To not think evil thoughts referring to them.
This makes sense because it makes it about something more than a simple
lie. "Bear False Witness." Back in the days when the Commandments were
written lying wasn't such a biggie but bearing false witness was
important. In those days justice was swift, punishment often brought
about after accusation from respected peoples. No one really needed any
proof or a trial. "He did what?!? Stone 'im!" There's your fancy trial.
I've done plenty of lying in my life but I really haven't done any of
these things. I don't lie about others. I don't gossip. I've thought bad
things against people sometimes, but only in the heat of the moment or
aftermath of some stupid event. I've never wished cancer on anyone.
Nothing evil. Well, nothing too evil, anyway.
So this is an obscure commandant. (Like the others aren't, right?) It's
hard to make a judgment call on if I've broken it, but since for the
time being I'm the one doing all the judging I'm going to say it's a no.
I have not given false witness. Some of you may thing it's a cop-out but
hey, fuck you. It's my soul.
Only one commandment left and if it's a tie, I die...
Hell - 4 / Salvation - 5
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The website edition includes images, a nice design, and all of the email
we have received about this issue. Go there and um, er, have fun:
http://www.disobey.com/devilshat/
Copyright 1997-1999 Disobey. All rights reserved. You may not steal,
maim, hold for ransom, kill, or rape any part of this issue.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe DevilShat
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe DevilShat
------------------------------------------------------------------------
