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Devil Shat 1999 01 28
.ili. Devil Shat Forty Five .ili.
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Introduction and Other Preface Fears ............... by Morbus
How to Avoid Jury Duty ....................... by Brian Newman
This is Devil Shat Forty Five released on 01/28/99. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/
Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.
I wish I could work 24 hours a day.
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.ili. Introduction and Other Preface Fears .ili.
------------------------------------------------ by Morbus
A person's attention span is very limited nowadays. With people
designing websites (myself included) with the 15 second load time in
effect, we place a pretty high value on getting people's attention - and
keeping it. In case you need a refresher, the 15 second load time
assumes that the full webpage will be downloaded within those 15 seconds
- and the first 5 seconds will be spent giving the viewer something to
do while the other 10 go by.
It would be a wonderful thing if we could introduce some sort of
technology where, within those 15 seconds, everything you have to say
and show is comprehended by the viewer. Although remotely simple with
images - explaining a point with text can be difficult - you've got to
treat everyone like a stupid idiot... otherwise some might get confused.
Comprehension in 15 seconds would require a totally new (innovative)
medium - we'd probably have to wait until the X-Files turns into real
life, and I can just THINK you smell bad... you'd get the hint and go
for a shower.
As much as I try to impose a 15 second load time on Disobey's webpages,
I also try to keep a 5 minute maximum on reading completely through
Devil Shat. Most people can sacrifice 5 minutes, whether it be while
brushing their teeth, waiting for their mail to download, or because
they have a couple of minutes before they go to work. Because of this,
you've got this short little intro by Morbus (that's me, speaking in the
third person) and the following article.
Imbibe.
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.ili. How to Avoid Jury Duty .ili.
---------------------------------- by Brian Newman
As you are flipping through the mail, sorting out the bills from the
advertisements, you see a strange envelope. You open it up and,
surprise, surprise, you have been picked for Jury Duty. This happens to
almost everyone and everyone has the same two feelings about it: dread
at the time involved and a feeling that, somehow, this is their duty.
Living in modern society has its price, and jury duty is simply a part
of that cost. Should you feel that cost is too high, should you wish to
avoid this burden, the following tells you the best way to escape.
If you have just received the jury duty letter, DO NOT fill it out and
DO NOT return it. The letter will, no doubt, inform you that not
returning the form is a criminal offence, subject to various penalities.
You can safely forgot about these penalities. Each batch of mailed out
jury duty forms gets about an 80% return rate. The 20% not answering
include those who have moved, who have not picked up their mail, or who
do not, for whatever reason, want to get involved. Almost always, the
20% who do not answer are completely ignored and their names are removed
from the process. Very rarely, a second request is sent out. The
threatened privilege of criminal charges are so rare as to be virtually
unheard of. In the extremely rare event of a "crack down" on people
ignoring the call for jury duty, the people in the judicial process will
have to prove that you received their noticed.
Normally this is done by sending a registered letter, something that has
to be signed for. All adults should have two "signatures", one good for
cheques, contracts and credit cards, and another illegible one for
anything you are not certain about. If you do choose not to return the
jury duty form, sign any future unexpected registered mail with a
meaningless scrawl. The odds, however, of you receiving future mail from
the judicial process are extremely slim.
Perhaps you are one of the 80% who does answer and perhaps you have
already sent back a completed form. Returning that form enters your name
in a future drawing process for possible future jury members. If your
name is picked, you will receive another letter, demanding your presence
at a location noted in that letter. A penalty for not doing so will be
spelled out. Again, a certain percentage (usually less than 10%) do not
show up and, generally, one of the three following things will happen:
1) They are ignored, 2) Their names are placed back in the lottery for
future jury duty, or 3) They receive a registered letter or a police
visit asking why they did not show up. The letter, if signed for with
that illegible scrawl, can be ignored. A police visit means show up next
time, exactly as told.
Various regions have assorted ways of running the jury duty lottery.
With any luck, you will be passed up. Receiving the second letter,
asking for your presence (generally at the court house, or at a hotel
with the needed space) is your entry into a future lottery. In what can
be a long and boring day, groups of people are picked for possible jury
duty. Likely a Judge will speak, or a film shown, thanking you for being
there, outlining what may be ahead for you and congratulating you on
being a fine citizen.
Fine citizen you are, but you can still very easily get out of the
process. If you are picked as a potential juror, the Judge and lawyers
for the prosecution and the defense will ask you a number of questions.
Both lawyers have a number of opportunities to remove people from the
potential jury and it is rather easy to get them to give you your
freedom. Each lawyer tries to pick people they think will agree with
their side in the upcoming case. Both lawyers will approach all
potential jurors as if they are long lost friends. This gives you a
great chance to escape.
As soon as you see the lawyers for the prosecution and defense, pick
one, or both as a potential "enemy". The stronger you can feel the
emotion, the more powerful your body language is. Shake your head,
glare, make faces. The lawyers and any staff are carefully noting all
reactions by the potential jurors. They are trying to pick out any
prejudice against them, against their client or even against their case.
Showing a prejudice, even if you do not have one, gets you quickly out
of the courtroom. Almost all lawyers will excuse any potential jurors
who they cannot mentally see as a potential friend. Their questions will
be delivered with as much fake charm and friendliness as they can
muster.
The Judge may ask questions of his own. For example, in a case involving
car theft, the Judge may ask all potential jurors if they have ever been
a victim of that type of crime. Even if you give a positive answer to
that type of question, the Judge will only ask if that experience would
influence your decision in the case they want you to hear. No matter
what your answer, the Judge makes his own decision on if you stay or go.
Your answer to that second question may, however, cause either the
prosecution or the defense to want you excused.
Almost sure to get you off, is a loud "What?" after any question, from
anyone, to anyone. You will quickly be asked if you have a hearing
problem. You yell out "What?", make them repeat the question and then
loudly say that you do not have a hearing problem. No lawyer wants to
yell throughout the case and a fake hearing problem does wonders to get
you out.
Normally, financial concerns will not get you out from jury duty. Check
with your employer to see if you will continue to get a pay check (a
surprising number of companies do pay you while on jury duty). If not,
this knowledge will aid your skill in acting the part of a juror whom
neither side wants.
Health matters are more of a concern. If you are receiving any type of
medical treatment, or if you will in the near future, a Doctor's letter
will allow you to escape. Many have claimed non-existent health
problems, often on the original letter form asking them to report for
jury duty. As a firm rule, the judicial system does not check on any
claim of health concerns. Most Doctor's will supply a letter to excuse
their patient, because of "stress", "headache" or even "inability to
comprehend".
However, a loud "What?" to your Doctor will only result in an
unnecessary hearing test.
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