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Devil Shat 1998 11 05
.ili. Devil Shat Thirty Nine .ili.
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Goals to Achieving Inner Peace, Part One ........... by Morbus
This is Devil Shat Thirty Nine released on 11/05/98. Devil Shat is
published by Disobey and is protected under all copyright laws. All of
the issues are archived at the Disobey website: http://www.disobey.com/
Submissions, email, and news should be sent to morbus@disobey.com. Your
comments are welcome. What do you want us to write about? Send an email
and let us know.
Damn, I am tired. Salmon.
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.ili. Goals to Achieving Inner Peace, Part One .ili.
---------------------------------------------------- by Morbus
It is something which you can come to expect at least once in your life.
Someone will look at you and say "you have it good... that's nothing
compared to what I HAVE to go through." Besides having an incredible
urge to punch the offending person, you know it's useless. Another
person can not relate to your shoes, nor ever hope to fill them.
"You ain't seen nothing yet", "Stop your bitchin'", "Well, I had to go
UPHILL..." The list can go on and on, and so can your aggravation.
But, perhaps aggravation and anger at another person's audacity are the
wrong emotions. Perhaps you should begin to ask yourself: "You know,
yeah, he's an asshole, but... why shouldn't I be leading a better life
than him? Why shouldn't I be laughing at his problems, and shaking my
head at the reality that I'm infinitely more well off than he?"
If you've been a long time reader of Devil Shat, then you'll know that
this is not a healing forum. I'm not here to inspire you or to make you
walk away from your computer or your printed copy with a warm feeling in
your heart. It hasn't been that way for Thirty Eight issues.
The sad thing is that the trend has now been broken. Below, you will
find enough steps to get you through many years of feeling better about
yourself, along with silent chuckling at the poor sap pushing the
shopping cart next to you. These goals have been hanging on my bedroom
door in list format for a long time. Rest assured that self-healing has
never been this fun:
1) "Sever ties with boring relatives and friends."
This is pretty reasonable. Boring people can be depressing. They sit on
their chairs or couches, and ask you stupid questions like "How does
your gum taste?" or "You got anything exciting planned?". Perfect days
for them involve sitting in front of the computer and being anti-social
to the fleshy entities around them. Or watching episodes of soaps and
actually appearing to enjoy them, all the while commenting on stupid
background objects ("See that lamp behind them? Man, that is sooo
huge!").
IN OTHER WORDS: Don't hang out with those who "make up" conversations or
entertain themselves in ways you don't find amusing.
2) "Endeavor to make your appearance as striking and unpleasant as
possible. Looking into a mirror should be an experience for which you
must steel yourself."
Knowing something that someone else doesn't is very fulfilling. When
people look at your hideous visage, they will only feel sorry for you.
They will feel pity, and thank god "they don't look that ugly". The key
here is "mind game": other people are thankful that they're not as ugly
as you. What a pathetic way to "one-up" yourself. You'll know that all
you offend are shallow and judgmental.
IN OTHER WORDS: Appearance can be horrible and misleading. Be with those
who can see past it, and laugh at those who give a shit.
3) "Hate your enemies and harm them whenever possible."
Nothing satisfies better than knowing you have made those who richly
deserve it miserable. Your enemies are against you... happiness is best
facilitated when those around you are supportive. Extracting revenge
against those you dislike intensifies the feeling of well-being and
wholeness. The greater the hate, the longer the joy.
IN OTHER WORDS: The longer you ignore the enemy, the more they'll
interfere with your plans. Let them know who you are.
4) "Realize that all creatures and natural resources are here for your
personal use and gain. Do not hesitate to slash and burn if it will
create inner happiness."
Opportunities are passed if they are not exploited. Step on the head of
your co-workers to get the pay you deserve. Walk in front of cars when
they are more than two car lengths between you and their right of way.
If it makes you happy, do it. If it makes other people miserable yet
increases your morale, do it. Analyze a situation and choose the action
which best benefits yourself.
IN OTHER WORDS: It's a dog-eat-dog world... take what should be yours,
and exploit each time the opportunity arises.
5) "When frustrated, kick animals that can't hurt you."
You can replace "animals" with whatever you wish. Sadism has been passed
down through the ages for a reason: sometimes it feels good. Otherwise,
we would not strike our fist on the table, or yell out a spit inflected
"Fuck" at things that piss us off. Our hair was not designed to be
pulled out by its roots, but too often it is. Nothing is wrong with
aggression to relieve tension when used appropriately. The flavor of our
own pain after hitting a door allows us to realize that we have struck
out at whatever has plagued us, albeit inadvertently. The soft thud of
a pillow, however, leaves us unsatisfied.
IN OTHER WORDS: Strike out at that which gives a reaction. A cracked
door panel, a banged-in pot, the roots of your hair: they each help you
know that you have done SOMETHING against your problem.
6) "Ignore others' feelings. Rest assured that it's mutual."
Second judgment's and beating around the bush have never gotten
anywhere... and merely slow down the inevitable progress that will make
you happy. Assume that everyone around you is either for you or against
you. Those that are for you will mindlessly follow your opinions and
decisions, and as such, can be ignored. Those against you are against
your happiness... and can be HARSHLY ignored.
IN OTHER WORDS: Do what you think is right, without regard for those
around you.
7) "Scratch the paint on offensive vehicles."
In conjunction with number 5, this goal of inner peace is slightly more
insidious. You can be all ninja-clown like in this regard. Someone
pisses you off? Be literal, and scratch expensive damage into their BMW.
Or redirect all of their business mail to the town dump. Or call up
their work posing as their pissed off landlord. The more you torture
someone mentally (as opposed to physically in goal 5), the more you can
laugh at the lesson you are teaching them.
IN OTHER WORDS: The pleasure of physical aggression is immediate.
Attacking a person's life piece by piece allows for a much more lasting
satisfaction.
8) "Growl unpleasantly at people whose attributes you find revolting or
distasteful."
If you don't like it, it's not conducive to your growth. Red clothing
pisses you off? Tell them straight to their face how you feel. After
all, they MUST have done it to you on purpose. For what other reason
would they be in your presence? They are against you. And they must know
how you feel.
IN OTHER WORDS: Speak out heavily against things that upset you. If it
pisses you off, it's not right.
9) "Rip up flowering plants."
People with beauty are shallow, flaunting, and addicted to appearance.
One can be born beautiful, tis true, but that beauty must be maintained
and nurtured. Maintaining an appearance for other people is the most
wasteful of hobbies, and goes against your own lifestyle (see goal 2).
Constantly attempt to scar their image and being... drive through
mudpiles as they walk near them, spill coffee on them, or burn down
their beautiful house with their beautiful clothes inside.
IN OTHER WORDS: Those that spend too much time about how they look to
other people obviously have nothing worthwhile to present.
Want to know more? Only half of the secrets to inner happiness have been
revealed... the others will only come to a receptive audience. And
remember, interpretation is everything. These can mean different things
to different people.
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