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Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 105
Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 105 Reel 1
"The Gods ARE Crazy"
In the not too distant future, December of '95
Dr. Forrester saw no reason to keep Joel and Mike alive
His experiments complete at last
Severed ties with the satellite real fast
It drifted off to an unknown place
The Satellite Of Love was lost in space!
Joel and Mike were frozen, for over 300 years
The Satellite drifted all the way to the edge of the final frontier
Now keep in mind the SOL was about to meet its end
So a ship crew rescued Joel and Mike along with their robot friends.
ROBOT ROLL CALL
Cambot....Gypsy....Tom Servo....Croooow!!
Now in a refitted SOL, they tour the Milky Way
And think to yourself, "It's just a file," and let the story go where it may!
On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!!!
(the 7 doors close -- Mike is reading a bedtime story to Tom and Crow)
MIKE (reading): And the prince rode off with his princess and lived happily
ever after.
TOM (crying): That was beautiful!
CROW: Are you kidding? That sucked! I hoped that the dragon would eat the
prince alive!
TOM: Crow!
CROW: Yeah, and.....I wanted the Black Knight to behead the king!
TOM: Mike, make him stop!
CROW: And the evil wizard should have set the town on fire! FIRE! FIRE!
(Joel rushes in)
JOEL: Oh, he's in "Beavis and Butthead" mode again!
(Joel tinkers with Crow)
CROW: And maybe there would have been more action if the dark overlord had his
way with the--
(Crow shuts down. Gypsy enters)
GYPSY: What happened to Crow?
MIKE: Oh he trashed another fairy tale again!
GYPSY: We can't take him anywhere!
TOM: I think I'll go to sleep.
JOEL: But you don't need sleep
MIKE (to Joel): Shhhh....Let him sleep. Trust me. Look at this....
(Mike takes Joel to the Zip room (between doors 7 and 6) and shows him a box)
MIKE: This is Tom's Groundhog Day present.
JOEL: GROUNDHOG Day??? Present???
MIKE: In my family we used to exchange small gifts on Groundhog Day...look
(Mike opens the box and shows Joel a new Servo head for Tom)
JOEL: Why the stripes?
MIKE: Pinstripes.....oh c'mon, he'll love it!
JOEL: Well, I don't know.....
MIKE: We'll see tomorrow, won't we!
(Joel and Mike emerge from the Zip Room)
GYPSY: We're here!
(Mike and Joel look out the window and see a planet -- planet Darius-II)
JOEL: Hey, look, it's Darius-II
(I already said that)
JOEL: Oh yeah, right!
(Joel tinkers some more with Crow then turns him back on)
CROW: Happy Birthday!
JOEL: What?
CROW: I always wanted to say that after getting switched on!
GYPSY: The Dominion files say that there live some nice friendly tribal natives
here! It sounds like a nice place.
MIKE: What are we waiting for...let's port down there!
(Mike, Joel, Gypsy, and Crow port to the planet)
TOM (waking suddenly): Wait a minute! I don't have to sleep!!
(Meanwhile, on the planet, in what looks like a jungle)
MIKE: So where are the nice, friendly natives?
JOEL: They have to be around here somewhere.
CROW: I feel like I'm a character in "Jungle Goddess".
(Tom appears behind everyone else)
TOM: Great! Just leave me up in the SOL to rot!
JOEL: Well, we didn't want to disturb you while you were sleeping. Besides,
you can't rot in the SOL, the life support systems should last for 100
years.
TOM: You know what I meant!
GYPSY: Come on, guys, no fighting now!
(Leaves rustle....Tom freezes in place)
TOM: That didn't sound very nice.
(Suddenly, ten natives of the planet surround everyone on all sides!)
CROW: AHH!
TOM: I second that motion! AHH!
(The natives bow down as if to worship Joel, Mike, and the bots)
CROW: That's it! Now I REALLY feel like I'm in "Jungle Goddess"
NATIVE: Oh, we worship you, Gods of Com Dissenta! you have come to show us
the way!
MIKE: Joel, what's a Com Dissenta?
JOEL: Damned if I know! (to Natives): Rise up!
(Natives rise but still stand at attention)
NATIVE: Your word is law, Joel of Com Dissenta!
JOEL: You know my name?
NATIVE: Everyone knows all about the legendary Gods of Com Dissenta. How you
survived after overcoming great odds. The sacred boxes tell your story!
MIKE (to Joel): This is getting weird!
JOEL: How do they know about us?
CROW: And what is this "Com Dissenta"?
TOM: And what about Scarecrow's brain?
(Natives laugh and bow at the same time)
NATIVE: One of the sacred jokes!!!!
GYPSY: We must be really popular here!
MIKE: "Popular" is not the word.
TOM: Maybe "idolized"...
CROW: ..."glorified"...
JOEL: ...even "worshipped"...
MIKE: But "popular" is a huge understatement!
NATIVE: Come with us, O Gods of Com Dissenta, and see all we have acccomp-
lished in your name!
(Joel, Mike, and the bots walk with the natives to their village (Well, Tom sort
of hovered and Gypsy kind of slinked, but you get the idea). Their village was
like a stereotypical native village with thatched roofed houses and an altar in
the middle of it all containing stone statues of....)
CROW: US!!!!!!
JOEL (reading inscription): "The Gods of Com Dissenta...Crow the Wise, Servo
the Red, Gypsy the Clean, Cambot the Brave, Joel the Sleepy, Mike the
Rebel, and.......DEB THE DARING??????
MIKE: Deb? Who's Deb?
GYPSY: Search me.
CROW: Get that! They called me "wise"!
TOM: WiseCRACKER is more like it!
MIKE: Cambot the BRAVE?? He's still up on the SOL!
GYPSY: I like what they called me...."Gypsy the Clean!"
NATIVE: I see you approve of our altar!
JOEL: Yes it's.....very nice.
CROW: My mouth is too big!
(Natives gasp!)
NATIVE: We shall correct it then, O Crow the Wise!
JOEL: No, that's okay! (to Crow): Be careful of what you say to them!
TOM: You know, this life, a bunch of natives waiting on us hand and foot, I did
a lot of thinking about this and you know what? I LIKE IT!!
CROW: Me too! (to Native): Get us hamdingers!
NATIVE: Yes, O Crow the Wise
(Native dashes off)
CROW: You know, I could get used to this!
JOEL: Crow!
(Mike peers into one of the thatched huts)
MIKE: Hey guys! Come over here!
(Joel and the bots join Mike...they see what looks like...a television! There
is snow on the screen)
TOM: You know, these people better have a talk with their cable company!
NATIVE (noticing their curiosity): You have found the sacred box and the
scrolls...they tell your history!
(Crow picks up one of the 'scrolls'. It is an old videotape)
MIKE (to Joel): Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
JOEL (to Native): When was the last....story....told?
NATIVE: Many years ago, before my time and my father's time and the time of my
father before him! Your story was told on the Com Dissenta!
MIKE: That doesn't help me at all, but I think I'm close to unlocking this
mystery!
NATIVE (yelling into the sky): From the bowels of Kit-Mah to the Com Dissenta!
The Travellers have come!
CROW: Great! Now we're Gozer!
(Mike thinks hard...)
MIKE: OF COURSE!! Guys, come here!
(Joel and the bots join Mike)
MIKE: Comedy Central!!!
JOEL: What?
MIKE: Comedy Central!!! Com Dissenta!!! Don't you see??
TOM: I get it! Years ago, these people picked up old Comedy Central signals!
And now their whole lifestyle is based on us! Cool!
JOEL: And this "Kit-Mah" must be KTMA! That's where the mads USED to send the
experiments to!
CROW: And these tapes must be copies of the experiments as broadcast on Comedy
Central!
(Suddenly, the whole gound shakes)
GYPSY: What's going on?
NATIVE: We are being attacked!
(Joel, Mike, and the bots leave the hut and go outside where an Assembly ship is
poised in the sky)
ASSEMBLY CAPTAIN: This is Captain Hansus of the ship Rotgunn! We claim this
planet for the Outer Assembly of Planets!
TOM: You know, it's really hard to claim a place that already has inhabitants
in it!
JOEL: Why not, Columbus did it!
TOM: Oh yeah! That's right!
NATIVE: You must help us, O Gods of Com Dissenta! Send them back with your
powers!
CROW (to Joel): Did he say...."powers"?
JOEL: I think so, Crow.
CROW: I thought so. (to Native): You know, we really don't have any---
(Mike closes Crow's mouth)
CROW: Mmmph!
MIKE: We will do everything in our....power....to help you. Joel, do you have
that pocket remote hookup to Cambot with you?
JOEL (in a "plot-convenience-theater" sort of voice): Yes, I always carry one
with me!
MIKE: Good...I need to hook it up to the TV in the hut.
(Mike goes to the hut to hook up the remote device...meanwhile, five officers
from the Rotgunn port down to the surface)
HANSUS: You all will surrender to the forces of the Assembly. If you comply,
you may continue to live as our slaves. If not, you will die.
NATIVE: Do not underestimate the power of our gods!
(Crow cringes at that line)
NATIVE: O Crow the Wise, Tom the Red, show them your power!
HANSUS: THOSE are your GODS!? Hah!
NATIVE (to Crow): What are you waiting for??
CROW: Uh....Well....I am the great Crow the Wise....and...uh....I....
TOM: What my colleague is trying to say is....uh.....well...you better get out
of here or else!
CROW: Yeah! What he said!
(Hansus shoots Crow...he goes down)
TOM: Crow! (to Hansus): Why you!......
(Tom QUICKLY hovers into Hansus' face and slaps him around)
HANSUS: GET HIM OFF ME!!!!
(Hansus' officers aim their guns)
HANSUS: NO YOU FOOLS!! You might hit ME!!
(they lower their weapons...meanwhile, back in the hut, Mike is finishing the
final connections)
MIKE (into Communicator): Cambot, do you hear me?
(Mike switches the remote link on revealing the inside of the SOL on the TV
screen)
MIKE: Mike to Cambot, do you read?
(Picture goes up and down....Cambot saying yes)
MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket #9.
(Cambot complies. The roving camera Rocket #9 views a whole fleet converging on
the planet)
MIKE: Whoa! Cambot, link to the transporter and port me back up! Now!!
(Mike ports back to the SOL....back on the planet, Hansus has Crow, and Joel tied up. Tom has been placed over an air-blower)
HANSUS: Well, you thought you could overcome me, did you? You were wrong!
TOM: Great! We get captured and he has to use an over-said villian phrase!
CROW: Tom, this is not the time!
JOEL: Hey! When you have lemons, you make lemonade! Right, Tom?
TOM: Right!
HANSUS: All right, enough chatter! As you see, I have disabled your little
porting controls. You will remain here until you die, which will not be
long!
TOM: He did! He must have!
JOEL: Must have what?
TOM: He must have gone to some villian institute...the guy's full of cliches!
HANSUS: I SAID ENOUGH!!
(Hansus' officers aim their guns at the three)
TOM: Well, on second thought, cliches do have their place!
JOEL: Hey, where's Gypsy?
CROW: I haven't seen her since we were in the hut.
NATIVE: We know you are just taunting them, O Gods!
TOM: You know, I'd pay good money for him to shut up!
JOEL: I got you, Tom!
HANSUS (very pissed): Shut up! Shut Up!! SHUT UP!!!!!! I swear if I hear one
more peep out of any of you I will KILL YOU!!
(Crow and Joel make the 'zipped lip' motion)
HANSUS (to Tom): And what about you?
TOM: Hey, I can't move my arms, OK?
HANSUS: Then how did you slap me around before?
TOM: It was inertia! Figure it out!
HANSUS: I should kill you for that remark alone! In fact, I think I will....
Ready...
(Officers stand ready)
HANSUS: Aim....
(Officers aim at the three)
HANSUS: Fi--
(Gypsy appears out of nowhere in a ninja outfit)
GYPSY: Hi-YA!
JOEL: GYPSY?!
(Gypsy does a karate air kick with her hose)
HANSUS: Shoot it!!!!!!
(Hansus' officers shoot at Gypsy but to no avail!)
GYPSY: Good ol' Kevlar!
(Gypsy kicks the officers into oblivion...Meanwhile back to the SOL, the Assem-
bly fleet is getting close)
MIKE: Cambot, bring Rocket #9 inside.
(Rocket #9 goes back into its dock. Mike straps a small nuclear device to it)
(Cambot projects a question mark)
MIKE: Well, I found this nuclear device laying around so I figured I would put
it to good use.
(Mike lips the words "plot convenience theater" to you, the reader)
MIKE: OK Cambot, send Rocket #9 to the fleet!!
(Cambot complies. The rocket is shot out of its dock. Meanwhile, back on the
planet...Gypsy confronts Hansus)
HANSUS: OK, you vacuum, eat this!
(Hansus takes aim)
GYPSY: Go ahead....make my century.............please?
(Hansus keps aiming....Gypsy kicks the gun out of his hands. Hansus' communi-
cator lights up)
HANSUS: Hansus here
OFFICER IN FLEET: Sir, there is a small rocket headed toward us. It looks as
if it--
(White noise)
HANSUS: Lieutenant?? Lieutenant??
GYPSY: Now be a good man and untie them!
HANSUS: I will not do as--
(Gypsy gets right in Hansus' face, his officers are all unconscious)
HANSUS: Yes ma'am!
(Hansus unties Joel and Crow and takes Tom off the air blower)
NATIVE: I knew you would not disappoint us, O Gods of Com Dissenta! What do
you want us to do with Hansus and his men?
CROW: Sacrifice them in a vat of raging fire!
TOM: Disembowel them with a rusty grapefruit spoon!
GYPSY: Ground them for life!
JOEL: No no I think it would be better if you made them do some community ser-
vice.
NATIVE: Community Service? What is this?
JOEL: You know, pick up the trash that is around your walkways.
NATIVE: Yes that would be a fine punishment.
JOEL: By the way, you never told us your names.
NATIVE: We have no names, else the author of this story would have given us
names a long time ago!
JOEL: I see. Well, we must be going.
NATIVE: Where are you going?
JOEL: Well, we've been touring space for the past 3 months and we'd like to
continue.
NATIVE: Happy Travels, Gods of Com Dissenta! We will not forget you! You will
always be with us!
TOM: PLEASE! I cannot take any more of these cliches!! Joel, let's just go!
CROW: I agree with you 100 percent!
JOEL: OK....Cambot, porting 4
(nothing happens)
JOEL: Oh yeah, Hansus broke our communicators.
(Crow goes over to Hansus and takes HIS communicator)
HANSUS: Why not.
CROW: OK...let's go now
JOEL: Cambot, porting 4
(Joel and the bots port back up to the ship)
MIKE: Welcome back. We took care of the Assembly fleet but...there was a sac-
rifice
TOM: You don't mean....
MIKE: I'm afraid so....we had to sacrifice Rocket #9....but I've been working
up here and look what I made out of Cambot's old parts.
(It looks like another small rocket)
CROW: Rocket #10??
MIKE: No, the new Rocket #9. I don't know about you but I just didn't think
"Rocket #10" had the same ring to it.
JOEL: Hey, remember that "Deb" person in the statue?
MIKE: Yeah, I brought back one of the tapes from the hut and look what I saw.
(Mike plays the tape...at the beginning it said....)
VOICE ON TAPE: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Show 1012 Reel 1
MIKE: And look here...
(Mike fast-forwards revealing "Deb" with Crow, Tom, and Gypsy!!)
JOEL: But that can't be.....unless.....
TOM: Unless we somehow get back to the 20th Century!
MIKE: Yes....but how.....and when.....
T H E E N D
PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS
#106 -- My My My My Michael
On Galtar-VI, Mike meets a beautiful woman and falls head over heels in
love with her, but her intentions are far less attractive!
#107 -- Torgo: Knees Of Fate
The Satellite crew meets up with the now-immortal Torgo, who has taken
over as the Master and resides on a very strange planet in the Noor
system!
*****************************************************************************
* From: gu093kmd@icsun.sunnet.ithaca.edu / kdays1@ithaca.edu *
* *
* Mortimer Gomez Addams (Always look on the bright side of DEATH!!) *
* *
* Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended *
* for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, *
* living or dead, is unintentional. *
* *
* Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and *
* Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 Best Brains Productions *
* *
* All other characters created by Kevin M. Days -- Copyright 1994 *
* *
* Mystery Science Theater Adventures -- "The Gods ARE Crazy" -- C 1994 *
*****************************************************************************
