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Another Night and Day Alliance 141
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. . . . . . . . . . "Living Aware"
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . by Phairgirl
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I was raised Roman Catholic until my mother attended a Roman Catholic
college and promptly converted to Buddhism when I was in the 8th grade.
This may sound like it would be "the beginning of my doubts in my
faith," but that isn't true. I did time in Catholic school in my pee-wee
years, and even then I wasn't the kind of girl who believed in all that
bible stuff. I was much more enraptured with how pretty our church was and
much more occupied with memorizing EVERYTHING so that I could get good
grades on everything God-related. I back this up by recalling one day when
I was in church, kneeling in my pew, telling God that I would stop
shoplifting after I did it one more time. I think I was 10.
Needless to say, God was never my priority, I never gasped when
someone said they were of a different religion, I never scolded others for
not following His Word, and I never cared whether or not I took His name in
vain. I didn't even care if I capitalized Him or not.
And after my mom's transformation, I really didn't know what to think
one way or the other, so I read The Tao of Pooh. I didn't get it, I just
thought Winnie the Pooh was funny. I was a weird kid.
So I just kinda decided somewhere in high school that I was violently
atheist and would freak out all the time whenever anyone would try talking
religion to me. If someone mentioned God, I would make fun of them. If
someone went to church, I made fun of them. I just thought it was retarded.
I firmly believed the Bible was a drunken work of fiction and that Jesus
was some hallucination by a bunch of holy guys who ate the wrong mushrooms.
I wasn't just an atheist, I was ANTI-GOD. It was kinda fun.
However, as I "grew up," I still held my atheism firmly in my brain
and in all of my words, but I stopped being so angry with others who held
firm beliefs. I was still a proud atheist, but I didn't mock everyone who
wasn't. I let my faith become what all faith should be: personal.
But age has gotten to me once again, and with all of the time I spent
condemning others for their religions, I find myself increasingly less proud
to be an atheist. In fact, I feel sorry for myself. So many people have
such strong bonds with their Creators and are so tenacious in their moral
and spiritual lives, I feel like I'm missing out on that lofty happiness
that comes from being loved at all times by some nameless omnipotent force.
This is not to say that I am shopping for religion at this point in
my life, either. I don't think I can ever be anything but an atheist. My
brain just can't accept an unseen all-knowing deity that guides my fate. As
far as I'm concerned, I'm the master of my own destiny, all of my actions
have consequences that are my fault, and bad and good things happen just
because that's the way things go. I love the idea of karma, but I'll have
to see the scoreboard before I take it with anything more than a grain of
salt. And until I see for myself, spiritual otherworlds simply exist as a
means for people to justify the way they live their lives and the way they
condemn others for theirs.
My beliefs just plain aren't good for a person's emotional and mental
health. It's one thing for a person to say that Grandma got cancer because
she smoked and all those big tobacco company guys that are covering
everything up are going to BURN IN HELL; however, in my eyes, some rich
assholes are getting away with killing Grandmas everywhere and they'll sit
around making money and living the high life until they're dead and someone
else gets their money and continues until the end of time. With no idea of
hell, there is no punishment. With no karma, there is no retribution. Who
cares how they are punished in the so-called afterlife when they're fucking
up the here and now?
And so, I'm a cynical people-hater who lives by morals for no reason
other than that I'd rather be a good person than not. I don't do it for the
reward of some big heaven when I'm dead. I do it for myself. I wouldn't
recommend living this way, because it's so much easier to pass the
responsibility to something intangible and trust that everything will be
okay because someone is watching over me. It's my fault my fault I
accidentally threw away a $30 check, it's my fault that I have no desire to
finish school, and it's also my fault that I had enough money to pay my
bills this month and that I just got a promotion at work a couple weeks
back.
To those who have faith: I'm so happy for you.
To those who don't: don't you wish you could be so free?
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. anada 141 by Phairgirl (c)2000 anada e'zine .
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