Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Another Night and Day Alliance 023
* * * * * * * *
A A N N A A D D A A
A A N N N A A D D A A
A A N N N A A D D A A
A *** A N N A *** A D D A *** A
A A N N A A D D A A
A ****************************** A
A "The Death of a Marriage" aNAda #23 A
A A
A by Nana 03/09/00 A
A A
********************************************************************
My marriage is dying. Or maybe I should tell the truth and say it's
already dead, it's just taken me a long while to recognize the corpse for
what it is.
I feel like such a failure. I had grown up believing in "until death
do you part" and that if I tried hard enough that I could make it work. And
believe me, I tried. I tried for years past the point where anyone else
would have called it quits. I blindly held on to the hope that tomorrow
would be different, that with hard work and cheerful stubbornness I could
outlast the bad times and make everything better.
I lived through drug addictions and alcohol abuse, poverty and
unemployment. I suffered silently (and sometimes not so silently) through
bullying and mental abuse, all the while thinking that someday this would
run its course, that things would get better, that I just hadn't come across
the magic cure yet, but firmly believing that with enough love and patient
understanding that I could fix everything and make it all better.
How arrogant of me to think I was that powerful, that I could single-
handedly save this marriage between two people all by myself.
I hopefully believed the promises of "I can change" and of the ones
that started with "I really mean it this time". I turned a deaf ear to all
the lies and pretended for months at a time that everything was OK, blindly
refusing to see the truth staring me in the face.
I accepted without complaint (most of the time) the realization that
I had be the responsible one, that my families financial and emotional
support rested solely upon my shoulders. I ignored what this marriage with
doing to me and the example being set for my daughters, firmly believing I
didn't have the right to deprive my daughters of their father, not seeing
that he was already depriving them of a father by his actions. And still
believing in that fairy tale that someday we would live happily ever after.
One day I looked across the room and realized I could not picture
forever with this man, that whatever we once had in common (I can't remember
it now, but there must have been something once) was gone and the only thing
we had in common was these beautiful children. I knew then that forever
wasn't going to happen, but still believed I could hold things together
until the kids were grown. So I gave in, followed his wishes and did
whatever he wanted in order to keep the peace. I began to dream of the
future when I could finally be free, still giving up the present in hopes of
someday.
Just recently I discovered that not only was my marriage dying, but I
was dying inside also. The years of giving in and being agreeable to keep
the peace were taking their toll on my soul, my spirit, my strength. I was
becoming a shadow of the person I used to be and realized if I didn't make a
change soon, I would no longer have the strength and determination to make a
change or to live with it.
So I finally mentioned that "D" word, knowing that if I didn't act
soon, I would be lost forever. He, of course, was completely shocked,
having mistaken my silence of the last few years for contentment. He ranted
and raved, which intensifed my resolve. Then he begged and cried, which
tore my heart apart. I tried my best to stand firm, resisting the urge to
comfort this man with whom I had shared so much of my life, knowing that if
I gave in to my desire to console him, I would be trapped forever. All the
while, I was silently berating myself for being such a cold, heartless bitch
who could cause so much pain and suffering.
I don't know how it ends, I haven't gotten there yet. But I do know
there's no turning back now, that once the rotting corpse of my marriage was
exposed to the light of day, it became impossible to deny it for what it
was. Pretending that everything is okay, that this marriage can be saved,
is no longer possible. It's time for the funeral now, to put what is long
dead finally to rest. Time to begin the grieving period, to accept that
sometimes death is unavoidable, that life will go on and that hopefully I
can come out of this with my soul, myself, while deeply scarred, still
intact. Time to realize that although I couldn't prevent or deny this
death, that I have saved myself, that I will survive to live and laugh again
someday and perhaps someday to love and be happy at long last.
{**************************************************************************}
{ (c)2000 aNAda e'zine * * aNAda023 * by Nana }
**************************************************************************
