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y0lk-103
--(y0lk)-----------------------------------------------------------------------
y0lk number 103: it's on the table, so eat or die
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it's never what you've got, just what you put on the table.
this thought hit my head while i was in the car, about half an
hour ago. a friend of mine (who at one point adored this zine) was
driving me home from her house... i had just been over there and watched
"the omen" with her and her sister. it was a great movie. i recommend it
if you haven't seen it already.
anyway - the thought hit my head, all of a sudden, as thoughts
have tended to do to me lately... "it's never what you've got, just what
you put on the table." i'm starting to feel like less of a person, since
i've gone for so long without a real product. y0lk was my real product
once. but, as you probably noticed, i abandoned that a while ago. it
always hurt me to have killed y0lk. i loved y0lk. but it was suffocating
me. and i could feel it decaying with every issue.
well, i killed it. it reminds me of a song... "please remember i
will always love you, even as i tear your fucking throat away, but it will
end no other way..."
it will end no other way. well, it's back. y0lk #103. this
probably means nothing to you all, anyway... i should just get on with
issue (which i didn't actually write). so here you go. enjoy mercuri's
y0lk #103.
--(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
the REAL y0lk #103, by mercuri...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
tell me, oh muse of that ingenious hero, creed, that travelled far &
wide, and how he did nearly give up on his undertakings, tell me of the foes
he did crush, the people he did meet, & the minorities he did affirmitively
act upon.
aye, it twas many months aft that creed did decide it were better to
kill his y0lk than to go on further. but hours ago, he did run across an old
friend, and he did convince creed that y0lk was good. so creed truly did
enlist this man, mercuri, into his mighty ranks, and together, they did
slaughter many cattle for high hyperion, that the sun may show upon the
rebirth of our y0lk.
now our heroes do summon the help of hera, giver of babies, to grant
us many fruitful submissions, and that they be sent to goat@gti.net or
mercuri@redneck.ml.org or phorce@openix.com.
----(strong evidence that suggests i will become a dictator)-----------------
throughout the ranks of history there is one thing that there is
never a shortage of; dictators. right now i am going to reveal to you the
reasons i feel i will become a dictator.
* i live in a small town in indiana. you never hear about a dictator
coming from a metropolis like new york, do you?
* i am not indifferent to anything. all my political and ethical and
moral views can be considered extreme.
* i am an excellent propagandist and brain washer. i have a magnetic
personality.
* i look good in spandex.
* i can relate to the lives of napoleon, hitler, castro, caesar, and
many more. i mean MORE than relate, i actually notice many many
similarities.
so in conclusion, if i cannot be dictator here in america, i will
train a small fighting force myself and invade a small third world country
or a carribean island.
---(that didn't go as well as i thought it would)---------------------------
you would be amazed at how many people spell "okay" wrong. people
say "ok", but that's not the right way at all. it should be "o.k." but
that's just an abbreviation, it should be "okay". so, to recap:
o.k., okay = good
ok = bad
who was the lazy bastard who came up with o.k.? it has just as many
characters. there are some real nuts out there, people. please be careful.
---(i might be one of them)-------------------------------------------------
<allison-> why did the cucumber blush?
<mercuri> why?
<allison-> cause he saw the salad dressing!
---(hahahaha... i've never laughed so hard in my life)----------------------
do you see what i'm trying to do here? i'm just trying to tell lively
anecdotes and things that float through my head so we can get y0lk back to
how it used to be. DAMN GOOD READIN'.
---(yet to be named)--------------------------------------------------------
i remember a few years back when my mom bought this persian cat that
had copper colored eyes. so when we went to the vet to give it its shots and
what have you we had to tell the secretary it's name to go on the official
records.
so we tell her the name we had all previously decided on, "copper."
because it's eyes were a pretty copper color. so then the secretary goes on
to tell us that we can't name him "copper" because of the color of his eyes
or any other body part. she said that it's illegal to do name a pet after
what it looks like! what kind of horse puckey is this?! i thought this was
america!
anyhow. this story does have a happy ending. we said, "oh, we named
him copper because ... there was a penny on the floor when we first saw
him." she sympathized and said "okay," and our cat had it's official name.
a side note for those of you wondering how copper is currently doing.
he is dead. he died a few months later from some weird disease called FIP,
feline something something. and that was the only cat we ever had that
didn't piss or shit all over the house.
which brings me to some more stories...
every cat we have ever owned with the exception of one (the first
being molly, a mean bitch, and the second being the aforementioned copper)
has pissed or shit all over our house habitually. a $375,000 house and it
sometimes smells like a urinal.
currently we have two cats, one is max; he shits and pisses
everywhere. the other is named kela, yeah, i know... it sounds like some
black girl's name. i didn't name it, my mom did. anyway, kela walks funny...
he sort of struts; he shakes his hips from side to side. this cat is so easy
to scare... he's extra careful whenever he does something, it takes him a
minute or so to size something up before he jumps on it.
he's got lots of hair, sometimes he licks so much of it he just
coughs up these tremendous hairballs over the house. which can be just as
bad as piss and shit.
he has blue skin and black lips. i just don't get it. he's a
himalayan, hopefully that's normal.
---(enough about your cats!)------------------------------------------------
i live in indiana. i bet you've never, ever, EVER actually shook
hands with someone from indiana before, have you? it's just one of those
states that no one is from. would you like to know why? because it doesn't
exist. it is ficticious. i was once in a bar in ohio and several old
truckers were swapping stories about how they "almost saw indiana."
it's rumored to lie somewhere in between illinois and ohio.
"i was passing the ohio border," says one of the truckers, "and all
of a sudden i see this bright light, right? and the next thing you know i
see this big sign that says 'WELCOME TO ILLINOIS!' maybe next time, maybe."
ah, elusive indiana. will any man ever find ye?
---(corn)-------------------------------------------------------------------
here's some phrases you never hear much anymore:
shiver me timbers!
woah, nellie!
shiZam!
okay, lame lame lame. now that i wrote this shitty thing i have to write
something else to end this NEW ISSUE OF THE NEW Y0LK on a positive funny
note. think, idiot. think.
---(eureeka.)---------------------------------------------------------------
the other day i tried to get everyone in #ansi to say "w00p" again, i
failed miserably and was banned.
people should say ereet again. that's a good one, too.
---(blah)-------------------------------------------------------------------
i live in a small town in indiana, right? it is an unknown town,
nothing here puts us on the map whatsoever. so anyway, recently we have
been getting all these macedonian people in our school. what the fuck? i
mean there are like fifty of them now. are there rumors about crown point,
indiana back in macedonia? like, "in crown point, the streets are paved
with gold!"
i have no idea. it's just weird.
i will go send this file to creed, now. he's been idling on irc for
a long time, i hope he's serious about starting y0lk back up again, because
i just wrote these files for nothing if he's not.
---(woo, y0lk y0lk y0lk!)---------------------------------------------------
hi. this is creed again. are you actually still reading this?
well, you're a better man than i...
i have another submission from mercuri that i'm going to put in
here, because it's not that long, and i'm trying (hopelessly) to make a
big splash here for the comeback issue. oh, well. here you go... i won't
even try to be entertaining with you right now. i'm just filler. read on.
--(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
STILL MORE Y0LK #103 (more bullshit from mercuri)
--------(get rich quick scheme!)--------------------------------------------
hey there. you've all been up late at night, watching old dick van dyke
reruns and nick at nite, when all of a sudden an infomercial comes on. rats.
sally could have gotten a date in this episode!
anyway. i am here to tell you that those infomercials are really just a ploy
to get your money. i want no money from you. all i ask is for a few minutes
of your time that will change your life, and the life of some poor orphaned
black kids.
you have fallen on hard times, and you need some money. you have tried to
sell real estate, fix up houses, everything. nothing works for you... until
now!
with my method you will be literally rolling in money! you are probably
wondering, "how?! how?!" am i right? thought so. well, here is how.
step 1:
visit an orphanage, pick out some descent looking black kids and
adopt them. this is easier than it sounds.
step 2:
teach them how to sing acapella and how to tap dance. if you don't
know how to sing or dance, have someone you know do it for a cut in the
future profits you shall reap.
or...
make the children do hard labor and earn money for singing and
dancing lessons.
step 3:
book them an appointment on star search.
step 5:
open your wallet and let the money fly in.
there are some of you out there who are still doubtful. this is where
i will present to you the hard evidence that this actually works! here are
some people it has worked for:
boyz 2 men
sammy davis jr.
ben varine (sp)
hootie & the blowfish
snoop doggie dog
louis armstrong
all 4 one
warren g
dr. dre
m.c. hammer!
l.l. cool j
every single rap group
--(y0lk)-----------------------------------------------------------------------
mercuri didn't seem to conclude that very well... oh well. i
think we're done here. i hope you enjoyed it. y0lk is back (i hope) and
you should be seeing a lot more of it in the near future.
bye for now!
- (the almighty) creed
--(s3kr3t y0lk)-----------------------------------------------------------
wow! you found the secret hidden y0lk t-file! i found this too
disgusting to put in the real part of y0lk, (yes even y0lk) so i decided
to hide it at the end of the t-file! and you found it! congratulations!
this is an irclog i found that i had no idea what to do with. so. here.
it is REALLY tasteless. i don't know what i was thinking when i
wrote it. sorry.
"a REAL bush fan"
<creed> i would let gavin castrate me and shove my own dick up my ass
<creed> and then i'd let him make me lick my own shit off it as he jammed it
down my throat
<creed> and then i'd let him fuck my bleeding hole
<creed> and then i'd let him shove his shoe up my ass while he made me
give his dog head
<creed> and then i'd drink all his dog's piss when he urinated into my mouth
<creed> i would let him fill my mouth with shit and worms and then shove my own
castrated dick in the filth
<creed> i would deep throat it for him
<creed> and then i'd let him cut both of my ears and nose off and shove them
all up my ass all the way up into my intestines
<creed> and then i'd let him take my own castrated shit and worm-covered
chewed-up dick out of my mouth and cut off my tongue so he could
watch it bleed in my asshole
<creed> then i'd let him take my own dick and gouge my eyes out
<creed> and i'd squeal while his dog fucked one of my own eye sockets while my
castrated schlong did the other
<creed> and then i would let him shove hot coals up my asshole, one by one
<creed> and take my castrated bleeding worm and shit covered chewed-up dick out
of my eye socket and shove it back into the bleeding hole in my
crotch
<creed> while he shoved my 4-year-old sister's head up my own asshole to
retrieve the hot coals
<creed> and then i'd let gavin take my bleeding castrated worm and shit-covered
chewed-up dick and shove it in my 4-year-old sister's ass while he
forced her head into my bleeding asshole to retrieve red-hot coals
with her mouth
<creed> and then i'd let gavin break all my sister's legs and then shove her
completely into my asshole, crippled and half-dead
<creed> and while my anal pore stretched and my pelvic bones broke, bleeding
everywhere, and as i took my last breaths, i'd say: "gavin... do
whatever you want with my lifeless, eyeless, earless, noseless,
bleeding, shit-covered, castrated, worm-infested, coal-filled body"
