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y0lk-079
--(trying to make this look like a y0lk-formatted thing)---------------------
"the ewok rant"
by - taraxis
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there's been a lot of yapping amongst movie buffs about the upcoming
star wars movies. most people think they will be incredible movies since
the original three were, but i have doubts. why? because return of the
jedi ended on a flop for two reasons : luke skywalker & the damn ewoks.
i'll save pretty farm boy for another article, but it's time for the cute
little furry endorians to phear@#$!
in case anyone has missed this movie, it ends like this. the rebel
alliance launches a massive assault on the death star, a fierce new
battlestation built by the empire, an evil, dictatorial regime. in order to
fly into the death star & destroy it, the rebels need to detonate the shield
generator protecting it on a near-by moon. there they meet the ewoks, a
cute little tribe of munchkins who help them accomplish this. the ewoks &
the rebels win & blow the generator, & the rebels go on to win the movie &
deal a crushing blow to the empire.
lucas & co. messed up big time with the ewoks. they suck big time,
& i can tell you why. first of all, they are cute. cute things suck, like
ex-girlfriends. racoons are cute, but they'll bite your finger off. ouch!
second, can you imagine the stink that would eminate from an entire tribe of
furry woodl& creatures? *ugh* yet princess leia never complained at all.
maybe alderaans have no sense of smell, or maybe princess leia smelled just
as terrible. no where in any of the three movies were any of the characters
shown taking showers, except luke after he was found half-dead in the show &
stuck in an animal, but his bath was only for medical reasons.
the most glaring problem though is toward the end of rotj. perhaps
this stupidity can be best shown by the following :
ewoks the empire on endor
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number: a tribe. a few legions.
size: a couple feet. man-sized.
armor: fur. high-tech lightweight
battle armor.
weapons: arrows, rocks. high-precision laser
rifles.
training: archery & rock throwing. years of elite training.
additional
equipment: a few logs. a few at-st's, spitting
hot blasts of firey
death.
greatest
achievement: a nice village with a great a shield generator
system of ladders & bridged. capable of protecting an
object 160 miles in dia-
meter (the death star).
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obviously, the empire should have totally dominated the ewoks. but
no! the lameness here should not even have to be explained. but i'll do it
anyway with a few points.
1) arrows can't go through battle armor.
2) the force with which an ewok can chuck a rock is minimal to
begin with.
3) tossed stones can not penetrate battle armor.
the death star brings up another issue : fallout!&*#!& the thing
blew up. it is silly to think that the entire 160-mile diameter sphere
disintegrated into miniscule pieces that would burn up in the atmosphere.
what about radiation? the thing had a huge fusion reactor. doesn't that
count for anything? the entire planet should have been reduced to either
ash or a barren landscape. it is not unreasonable to think that at least a
50-mile wide cube of the death star would survive & crash to the surface.
it would not be going that fast, but it wouldn't need to. the last thing
any surviving imperials on the station would see as they hit the ground
would be a smiling, rejoicing ewok, because it was built right above their
village.
if they make any movies that take place after return of the jedi, i
hope that they first redo the ending to it. ewoks - lose! rebel
alliance - lose! that little punk-ass skywalker should die too, along with
his furry companions. what a dumb ending to the greatest movies of all
time.
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$ ## $ title $ author $
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$ 01 $ the other white meat $ creed $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ creed $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ creed $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ creed $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $ hooch $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $ creed $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ hooch $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $ creed $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $ bedlam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ hooch $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ hooch $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ hooch $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ phorce $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ creed $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ creed $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ hooch $
$ 18 $ lemmings $ phorce $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology $ belial $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ cd/h0 $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? $ phorce $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself $ creed $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale $ phorce $
$ 24 $ group masturbation $ belial $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs $ creed $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet $ phorce $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause $ belial $
$ 28 $ the army day camp $ belial $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day $ creed $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings $ hooch $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver! $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur $ bedlam $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan $ creed $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines $ hooch $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears $ phorce $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't $ creed $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate $ creed $
$ 38 $ snowday $ phorce $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d $ creed $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet $ hooch $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! $ creed $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue $ phorce $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass! $ creed $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars $ creed $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers $ creed $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life $ creed $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst $ creed $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave $ trip $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet $ creed $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost $ poots $
$ 54 $ the schoolhouse r0x!# $ phorce $
$ 55 $ campbell's chicken-noodle soup omen of death $ creed $
$ 56 $ dead cats $ juke $
$ 57 $ my inner taco $ handle $
$ 58 $ my place, or yours? $ mercuri $
$ 59 $ how to really use that spiffy monopoly money $ lumpy $
$ 60 $ struggle wif the giant pink elephant $ lucifer $
$ 61 $ why did the chicken cross the road? $ insane $
$ 62 $ y0lk test pattern $ mutter $
$ 63 $ ELiTE LiT from the master himself $ creed $
$ 64 $ creed's k-rad lit archives, volume two $ creed $
$ 65 $ UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. $ creed $
$ 66 $ how y0lk saved my life (sorta) $ creed $
$ 67 $ shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles $ ideal $
$ 68 $ some puppet plays $ phorce $
$ 69 $ "... Hello operator ..." $ mutter $
$ 70 $ i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. $ traq $
$ 71 $ battle of the ants $ rage $
$ 72 $ fun on the phone $ ideal $
$ 73 $ yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries..$ handle $
$ 74 $ i love you as my own mother $ sphrog $
$ 75 $ jamesy and the giant slinky $ jamesy $
$ 76 $ do not fuck with the big and hairy bears $ murmur $
$ 77 $ horror story $ oeb $
$ 78 $ dat wh0re $ s.sheep $ $
$ 79 $ the ewok rant $ taraxis $
"T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T"
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