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y0lk-099
---(y0lk-099.txt)-------------------------------------------------------------
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:: ::::: :: $$$$$ :: $$$$ $$$$ :: $$$$ $$$$ :: :::: $$$$ : $$$$$ :::: ::::::
::::::::::: $$$$$ : $$$$ $$$$ :: $$$$ $$$$ :::.s$s $$$$ ,g$$$P :: ::::::: :
:::::::::: $$$$$ :: $$$$ $$$$ :: $$$$ $$$$ : $$$$ $$$$"`$$&g. ::::::::::::
:::: :::::: $$$$$ :: $$$$ $$$$ : $$$$ $$$$ :: $$$$ $$$$ :`$$$$b ::: ::: :::
xxxxxxxxxxx `9$$$bssd$$$$ `9$$bssd$$P' $$$$bssd$$P' $$$$ : $$$$$ xxxxxxxxxxx
$ssss $$P' tMM
"$$$$""""""""
y0lk #99: the badness steps out and takes a solo
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
the y0lk executive intro - phorce
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
welcome to y0lk, issue number 99!@ i'm your host, phorce.
y0lk, as you might have noticed, has recently celebrated its one-year
anniversary (7/27) AND is nearing its one hundredth issue. both of these
being quite large accomplishments, we'd like to celebrate the style y0lk
upheld in those first great 100 issues which i'm sure you've all read.
see, with the advent of this y0lk's new century, we hope to make
everything much more "quality" here at y0lk. away with the "bad writing"
we've been charactized by recently. as the new era approaches, the evils
of the previous era must be cleansed before we can continue.
so, since mogel grabbed control of y0lk #100 (grrr), y0lk #99 was
chosen to be the final resting place for all this bad stuff i've had sitting
around in my submissions directory for so long. this issue is the last you
will see of badness in y0lk. badness, but in a good sense of the word, that
is. there's a certain "dada-ness" in all this badness.
who can forget the finesse of big hurt's "big hurt is ruler of the
earth!" do you still remember "fuck your tv" and "eye yam stain?" how
about hooch's constant references to doing things to one's anus? all of
these, great classics they were - surely to be remembered and revered in the
future as the greatest works of literature ever written. in the great words
of jesus, that son of god, himself:
"the kingdom of heaven is like leaven which a woman took and hid in
three measures of flour, till it was all leavened."
-- matthew 13.33
y0lk is that leaven; hidden from most, obscure in the great measures
of flour that try to oppress us, but still winning out over them all, to
expand and become a great, godly thing, almost as great as that big valhalla
in the sky.
yes, dear friends - y0lkliness is next to godliness.
with all that said and done, here's what's planned for you tonight.
we've pulled out all the stops for ya. we've got some choice big hurt
material, some writing by the younger siblings of zinesters, and a surprise
guest or two!@ you'll love it, believe me.
now on with the y0lk.
---(the official y0lk #99 index!#)--------------------------------------------
here they are!# please don't skip over authors just because i
foolishly decided to put an index in!#
whats in the box? big hurt
blah black francis
Big stinky peniS groveR (bF's little brother!)
i'm here trapped in my house and have no life big hurt
comic relief creed
a young lad named hat, a sun god, and a big missile phorce
mutter writes for y0lk #100 mutter (featuring my sister!#)
nine inch nails memories typed by big hurt
the garbage can of the apocalypse mercuri
debbie does #zines mercuri
the boy who ate coasters mercuri
how stalin got his name mercuri
what i did on my summer vacation mercuri
bad cliches mercuri
what they are thinking right now... mercuri
WHY DO STORIES ALWAYS FEATURE ME?! Nybar (joltcola's brother!@)
99 baby big hurt
AND.. a very special encore crank, big hurt, tao, tMM
---(phear!@)------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm sure you all know big hurt, don't you? back in y0lk's infancy,
big hurt came to us, bearing y0lks. here's one of his first attempts!@ one
of the only y0lks ever to be rejected from y0lk!#
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
---- -+-- --+ -- --+- -- --- - +- -+ -- -+
y0lk ishue# 40: whats in the box?
-- --+- +-- - --+--- -- --- -+ - --+ -+-- --+ -
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ this ishue ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
sup every1. this is big hurt, or [hurt] on irc. if ya dont know me, then you
will soon get to know me. cuz i sorry to tell you this, but i'm here to stay
so ya betta recongize and start to phear me.
anywayz, i never know what i'm gonna write about until i'm almost done, cuz
ya never know what yer gonna get in this zine when i write, so ya have to
keep on reading this.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ who is big hurt? ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
well of course ya know that i'm big hurt by now. anyhow. i've been around
the art scene for awhile now. i've been in many of grOups, such as vor,
cia, fire, etc. and now i'm in ink and a lit grOup called spin. i'm also
running my own emag, called blOtch, which is a production of ink.
i've done ascii, ansi, and now i've decided to write. had my own 'zine
called turb0 until it died and become an emag, blOtch. i was in
thrust, before the merge of thrust and apathy and was never included into
the merge, along with many of other ex-thrust membas.
i've also tried doin music and sum of it hasnt turned out all so bad. who
knows where i will go.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ lub it, like it, have it ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
yum. lets all have sum spam. ya can use it in a thousand different ways. it
is so eReet. ya can cook it, nuke it, smell it, grill it and put it on sum
buns and have a spamburger.
what would we do wit out spam. would the world as we know it, no longer go
on, cuz we dont have that delicious and tasty thing called spam.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ the world ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
yes, the world would go on. the world doesnt rotate around spam, it rotates
around the great one. which is big hurt, the mentor, the boss, the great.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ i'm elite ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
too think that i'm writting fer y0lk, the best 'zine out there. so i must be
the most elite person on the face of this earth. well maybe not the most
elite, i ferget trip of apathy.blah.blah.etc and creed cum before me.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ zine run-down ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
zines zines zines! the wonderful world of zines!
arent zines so great.
anyway, i think i'm gonna do a run down on some zines that i've
picked up on `the net' and all of the `boards'. here i go, i
guess.
we've got slinky. which is ran by that funky guy named belial. dont
know how to pronouse it, cuz i'm kinda dumb, stupid, or whatever ya
wanna call it. i got the very very very first ishue of slinky. it
was kewlio and i give it two thumbs up.
speaking of rad. i betta whiped that dung off my tennis shoes. and
we got sum guy that suggested a name to belial and ended up using
the name fer his own 'zine. that 'zine guy would be mercuri. damn!
wish i knew how to say that also.
then we got three guys or sumthang like that, called loOpy, stig,
and mistawho started a 'zine called dogma. they currently have
two ishues out, at least when i wrote this article they did.
these guys are all kewl and there 'zine even shows it.
wow there is quite a few zines out there and i havent even covered half
of them. sum arent as elite as y0lk or others out there, but hey ya have
to give them credit.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ blOtch ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
#here is my blOtch emag plug#
like so get yer articles into me at lowen@goodnet.com so that i can put yer
article in the first blOtch ishue.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ i'm the best header ever ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
yes, even my headers talk to each other.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ i cant agree with you, cuz i'm the best header ever ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
they even argue about who is the best header. you dont see that anywhere
else except for y0lk. we bring ya the big smelly cheese every ishue for
yer readin enjoyment.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ the big question ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
i bet ya have been waiting this entire ishue reading and reading. wonder how
ya learned how to read. was it hooked-on-phonics?
anywayz, the big question fer this ishue was `what in that box?' well, i
will tell you the answer right here and now.
it is a y0lk ishue.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
.y0lk. [ greets ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
well here are all of my greetz.
trip, creed, loopy, belial, fk, kk, thoodone, bitstream, erupt, hollow,
ashley, delta astro, woolf, and any that lubs reading these zines.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+--
.y0lk. [ make it stOp ] .xXx.
--+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+--
well, i've decided to make all of this stOp for the time being. but ya betta
phear me, cuz i shall return wit anotha ishue sometime very shortly.
hope ya liked this ishue, cuz it was my very first time written a y0lk
ishue, so fergive me if have ruined yer eye site.
---(aww.)---------------------------------------------------------------------
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
"blah" - black francis
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
blah blah blah blah blah blah lbnalh alha blah blah bhlab blah BLAH
blabla blah blah balb alb durdurdur blah blah blah blah blah bal al blah h
blah lhal lah.
blah blah lah.
b.
blah blah blahblahblahblah blah blah, blah blah blah blahblah.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH blah
blahbbbbblah? b b blahbhhhhablah! blah? blah.
BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
b;agh.
blah blah b l a h h h h.blah. blah - blah - blah - blah.
durdurdur/
blah ballahahahah blah blah BALH!&$% blah. wtf? blah.blah.
BLAH.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Big stinky peniS" - groveR (bF's little brother)
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
The sega channel is a totally new fucking hit. why pay the 4 dollar shit for
a game a blockbuster, I personaly think that blockbuster smells like poo
anyhow. Do you eat cows or is it just america don't eat are animal friends
if you do your a fucking asshole, get into the groove homy G eat veggie
burgers. my butt is very pale and stinky and it is coolly yo.Ha Ha HA my
butt rules because I do. I'm writing till me bored and now I'm bored.
-groveR
---(woo!#)--------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm here trapped in my house and have no life - big hurt
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
broken machine
i've been so busy in the past couple of weeks. school finally ended. too think
i would have fucked around for about a couple weeks before realizing that i
had no life. but, not this summer.
i have a job. i have baseball. and as soon as school got out, i started my own
little project to stardom. i started a band. sorta of like trent reznor did
nine inch nails. i got sick of my friends. they didn't have any gear to even
get songs going. i didn't need any gear. i had my computer.
so i started right away and started doing songs on my computer. i'm making a
demo tape as soon as i get a 8-track recording/mixing machine from someone or
somewhere. i've already contacted a few record labels and some are wanting to
hear my stuff. that shows how desperate they are.
my band, broken machine, only has one person right now. that is fine. i like
working by myself. it is how trent reznor started out. he did fine. since he
is a major influence in the music i'm making, maybe it is best that i do
follow in his footsteps.
don't get me wrong that i didn't have fun the first weekend that school got
out. because i sure did. my mom is starting to let me stay out later and
later every night i want to do something. so she is giving me more freedom
and can trust me.
and here is the big shocker of the day. i have decided to kill yellow journal.
if someone would like to continue it, then do so, otherwise it is offically
dead. i will putting all of my efforts of writing into y0lk from now on. i may
not be writing that much for y0lk either, but i will try from time to time,
since i will be busy all of the time this summer with baseball, work, and
with the broken machine project.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
comic relief - creed
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
HEY, EVERYBODY!!!!
WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?!@?!@?!@?!@?
...
...
...
...
BOO, BEE!!@#!@#!@#!@#$
HAHAHAHAH!@$#!@#!@# HhahahahAHAahAHAhaH!@#!@#$!@#!@#!@$@!#$!@ I AM SO
FUNNY!@#!@#!@#!@#
HAHAHAHAHAHAhafhahahahahashfhi23ph413k4jqwekfm2#$!@#$12
@#($@#($@#!($!@*#$*!@#($*!@#($*!@(#$*!@#$(
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH#$!@@!#!@$#$!@#$!@#$!@
FUNYNEHEWAHAHHEHEAHEAHAHAHAH12(!@#$!@$#!@#$!@#$@!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAF(@#!$#@(!*$!@#(*$!@#($ HAHAHASHA
AHAHAAAHAHAHAWH$!@#!$#$!@#$@#!$!@#$
HAHAHAHAHAS#$@!$@#$!@#$
AH!@#! AHH!@#$ ahhh. ok.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH#R(@*U!$(#!@~$(!@#$(!@#*$(!@* ok.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
a young lad named hat, a sun god, and a big missile - phorce
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
young hat opened his bedroom window and reveled in the sunshine. all
was good. the sun upon his eyes told hat that today was, as usual, another
day; the sun, like him, had decided to get up and make the lives of everyone
he/it would meet a little brighter.
"the sun has decided to rise today? this is good," hat remarked to
himself.
hat felt that great "morning feeling" that he always had around this
time. beaming (again, much like the sun), hat quickly bathed and dressed.
he pranced down the stairs, singing a song to himself and feeling content in
the knowledge that, in a dozen hours or so, the sun would be replaced with
pale moonlight.
this seems a normal assumption for most people; the regular cycle of
day to night is more or less a given. thus, it was not strange that hat would
guess the sun would set and give way to the moon that night.
unfortunately, hat was wrong.
ra, the sun god, was mad, and wasn't about to go to sleep angry.
"WHY HAVE YOU NOT PRAISED ME?" it screamed in rage. "HAVE I NOT
SHINED BRIGHT FOR YOU, THROUGH THE AGES? WAS I NOT THE ONE WHO BIRTHED YOU?
AM I NOT THE REASON FOR YOUR EXISTENCE?"
after hearing ra speak out so loudly (which was very surprising for
most), humankind felt a little guilty and embarassed for not really getting
into the spirit of _praising_ ra for the last few thousand years or so.
"HAS HUMANKIND FORGOTTON ABOUT ME, RA, THE CREATOR OF LIFE? I BROUGHT
YOU, FOOLISH MORTALS, OUT OF THE OOZE! BOW TO ME BEFORE I SEND YOU BACK TO
THE SAME OOZE FROM WHICH YOU CAME!"
unfortunately for this deity, this "ra" character was quite obviously
a threat to national and global security. special covert strike teams were
quickly assembled as ra's demands became greater and louder. the intensity
of ra's annoyance at humanity had become so great that cases of "instant skin
cancer" on very clear and sunny days had been reported. the pentagon finally
agreed on a plan.
their plan was as follows:
fire a large missile at the sun.
hat, looking outside his tinted bedroom window into the permanent
sunshine, could see the large missile silo opening from his bedroom window.
he also could also see the gargantuan missile inside, ready to be fired.
"that's one big missile," hat remarked to himself.
hat watched as the missile took off, into the sky.
ra, too, watched the missile lift off towards him. ra was, as most
would be if a large missile was rapidly approaching one's self, annoyed.
ra decided to destroy the foul, ungrateful humans living on the world
it had shined so brightly on. with one mighty swoop, earth was gone.
and the last words young hat heard before he was blasted (ironically)
into ash by the same rays that had previously given him life were:
"EXISTENCE IS FUTILE."
---(yawn)---------------------------------------------------------------------
woopers!# ummm. well, on with more of this...
IF YOU'VE ALREADY LOST INTEREST, JUST BEAR WITH US. WE LOVE YOU. I, PHORCE,
WILL PERSONALLY GIVE YOU LOVIN' FOR READING THROUGH THIS ENTIRELY.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
mutter writes for y0lk #100 - mutter (featuring my sister!#)
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay I'm a bit upset (understandably so, as I'm sure you'll agree). I
didn't get too many entrys to that spontaneous contest I made in the last
issue I wrote (read it over to refresh your memory). The fact of the matter
is: I got NO entrys. That's right. Zero. YOU COULDN'T EVEN PUT IN ONE FUCKIN
ENTRY TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD, HUH?!! Okay, you wanna play like that ... I'll
play like that, fuckball. I will personally hunt down and kill each and every
y0lk reader (yes, all three of you). Then, I will kill your families, friends,
neighbors, pets. Oh, you bastards, you say "Go on! Kill me. If I had friends
and family I wouldn't be reading y0lk!" You think you're trickey, dontcha?
We'll see who has the last laugh!@ Ha!@ I will now only answer to the name
"Mutter, the y0lk-reader hunter!"
umm... Gee, I never thought it'd be so hard to think of a transition
between subjects ...
So, anywaze, one late night I saw phorce on IRC (only it wasn't phorce
... oooo-weeee-oooo) and I thought well, gee, this is weird. Phorce's account
is logged in but he's in IRC with the name "Istigkeit". It took me a while to
figure out that this was in fact his sister (who used to go by the handle
"moonbeam"). So here, an exclusive interview with phorce's sister (well,
kinda)!
--------------------Begin IRC convo!!------------------------------------------
[ed. note: these are all (private) messages.]
<mutter> istigkeit?
<Istigkeit> yes, do i know you?
<mutter> I'd hope so :)
<mutter> oh, wait, you must be cathy.
<Istigkeit> YES!! Who are you?
<mutter> I'm here to stalk you. That's what I do (I'm a stalker).
<Istigkeit> WHO ARE YOU
<mutter> mmooooooonbeeeeeeaaaaam
<Istigkeit> TELL ME WHO YOU FUCKING ARE>>!
<mutter> woah, watch that language, how old are you, 13?
<Istigkeit> 14, now tell me how you know me
<mutter> I know everything about you. Our whole lives are on the computer,
ya know?
<mutter> Have you ever seen "The Net"?
<mutter> ya know, the movie with sandra bullock... anyways, its not important
<Istigkeit> yes i saw it! tell me seriously who you are!
<mutter> our whole lives are on the computer, ya know?
<Istigkeit> shut up, i know shit about this computer. my life is not in any
way on it.
<mutter> Im watching you RIGHT NOW!@#!@ Don't sit so close to the monitor!!
heheh
<Istigkeit> shut up. PLEASE! who are you!!!!!!!!
<mutter> okay...i gotta get going...cya later. nice to meet me!:)
<Istigkeit> no you are not leaving NOW WHO THE HELL ARE YOU????? please, i
just want to know if i know you or not. Please? :(
<_Raven_> Quit stalking my woman
<mutter> you got it, man
*** Signoff: mutter (blah)
-----------------------end convo!#---------------------------------------------
Obviously, she has a little romance going on with _Raven_, thus the
reference to her as "my woman." I laughed out loud when I got that one.
Stay tuned for further developements in the Istigkeit + Raven
"situation"! w00, gossip. err.
Anywaze...
---(it ended there.)----------------------------------------------------------
wow. my sister has quite a mouth, it seems.
if you see her, don't be a stranger if you see Istigkeit (phorce@openix.com)
on irc.
she'll hate me for that. heh.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
nine inch nails memories - typed by big hurt
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
This is taken from an interview in Keyboard magazine.
--- -- -
Keyboard Magazine: Care to expand on any of those hellish gig experiences?
Trent Reznor: Opening day, Lollapalooza, Phoenix. We couldn't play because
one of the power boxes had melted, and every time the low end of the P.A.
would rumble, it would jiggle the cord and all power onstage would just shut
off and turn back on. If you have a sampler, that means you're down for a
minute. And if you have tape deck, ahem, that means it stops. But, I think
because we were an "electric" band, everyone was just waiting for us to fuck
up onstage. So this started happening and: "Hello, does anybody know what's
going on?" A voice from backstage: "No, but I think it'w working now." Turn
to crowd: "Okay, hey, we suck, so here's the next song." And ten seconds
into it, every time he hit the kick drum, there it went. Turn back around:
"This is the biggest show we've ever played, does anyone know what the fuck
is wrong?" Voice from backstage: "We think we have it!" Turn to the crowd:
"Okay, one more time," and ...
Keyboard Magazine: So what did you do?
Trent Reznor: We smashed all the gear, and ran to the bus.
--- -- -
Readers Note:
Anyways, that hellish incident took place in Phoenix, Arizona. Arizona is
the stat that I live in, just in case you didn't know. And if you don't give
a fuck, then you shouldn't have read my readers note.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
the garbage can of the apocalypse - mercuri
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
slowly did the bucket move, step by step, inch by inch. it was a long and
grueling process, but he was determined to take over crown point high
school if it was the last thing he did.
*ring*
the lunch bell went off.
"oh shit" thought the bucket
the kids poured out of the front doors of the school and they kicked the
bucket, resetting his progress.
"great. it'll take me two more days before i get that far again."
[------]
nope... dead end story, lemme try something else.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
debbie does #zines - mercuri
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
"i want your warez.... IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! *WINK*"
[-------]
uh, nope.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
the boy who ate coasters - mercuri
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
"MOM! CAN I HAVE MORE COASTERS?"
"no."
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
how stalin got his name - mercuri
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
(translated into english by vladimir checnykofpz)
"awe, he's sooo cute!"
"what should we name him my little bubushka?"
"how about... STALIN?"
"it's done! let us dance, my dear!"
*insert jig*
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
what i did on my summer vacation - mercuri
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
next!
billy: ...then we drove, and drove some more, and then we drove
mercuri: and after i went to the eifel tower, i ran all the way to china and
had dinner with famous celebrities!
anything else, mercuri?
mercuri: yeah, but the rest is kind of hard to beleive.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
bad cliches - mercuri
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
funner than hell
cool as hell
cool as shit
i could care less
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
what they are thinking right now... - mercuri
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
boris yeltsin: "stupid americans"
muslim leaders: "stupid americans"
english prime minister: "stupid americans"
germany: "stupid americans"
iceland: "stupid americans"
canada: "stupid americans"
australia: "stupid americans"
---(w0o!# mercuri#!)---------------------------------------------------------
mercuri is my hero. sigh.
you still with us? good.
now, in keeping with the "younger-siblings-of-zinesters" tradition:
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
WHY DO STORIES ALWAYS FEATURE ME?! - Nybar (joltcola's brother!@)
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
WHY DO STORIES ALWAYS FEATURE M.. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'M IN ON RIGHT
NOW!!!!!! START FREASH YOU IDIOT! NOT AT HOME!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
We have a web page, a vmb, and a book.. featuring poupey stories
-----------------++++++++++++++++++++__________-----+++++++_-----
THE STORY SO FAR!!
Nybar crisscrosses the globe performing his stick juggling act.
He can do it verrrrrryyyyyyy well. But sometimes he comes to a
hick state. This is the story of Nybar's visit to one of those
Redneck States.
*******************************************************************
After performing my amazing stick-juggling act.. I went
to shake hands with the audience. There was this one crazy,
Bell-bottom redneck, who came up to me and said.. "HOW DO YOU
DO IT?!? HOW DO YOU DO IT?!?! HOW MAKE STICKS FLY?!!??!" then,
I decided to do my snake dancing act, sing a light song, and
hit him with a big stick as the conclusion. So I started dancing
. "Magggggiiiiiiiiicccccccc (duh duh duh dahh) the magiccc.. to
make sticks perforrrmm.." "SHUT THE HELL UP AND TELL ME!" "REDNECK
, BEER SWILLIN BASTAGE! CHICKEN HERDIN WONDER!!!!" "OK!! TAKE THIS!
" <he takes out a rusty shovel and hits me with it.. mortally
wounding me> "Should... havee.... shot yer ass.... the second I saw
you... <redneck steps out of the shadows> MERCURI!!" <I die.. this
story now features Mercuri.>
---------------------------<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<-<->->->->-------------------
MY <long dist> REVENGE ON MERCURI!
(mercuri's perspective)
It had been a hard day at the farm. My little cow bessy
Had been giving skim milk, and pork and beans was getting
More and more tasteless. After a couple years of wondering
what was wrong with me.. somone told me "YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE
OBVIOUSLY DEPRESSED!! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM." it was
my duck. I obviously WAS crazy, so I moved to the big city.
I got a job as a lecturer.. mainly thing like "IF MY GRAN-PAPA
WAS ALIVE.. HE'D BE DISGUSTED AT THE FILTH IN MODERN `ZINES! TAKE
THE PADDLE TO ALL OF YOU HE WOULD!!! <HICKKKKKKK>" Then I noticed
something strange about someone I met on the street. HE LOOKED
EXZACTLY THE SAME AS SOME GUY I HAD KILLED A YEAR AGO. He was waring
an arm band that said "K.ill S.tupid R.ednecks.. KSR, so THAT WAS
what the KSR was. At the time, I didn't know that the guy was
forming a red neck elimination force. Nope.. I am pretty damn
stupid in things like that. So I decided to send in a membership
card. A few weeks later, there was some knocking at the door,
and a very farmiliar voice said "Hey.. you're in the club!"
So I opened the door. The second I did I was shot.
IS THIS THE END? <yes>
---(yeeks!@)------------------------------------------------------------------
okay!# you've reached.. the FINAL THRESHOLD!##! just ONE more article and
it's ALL OVER!#
of course, i've added a small encore performance by crank, kaynine, tMM, and
big hurt at the end if you want to read it. it's pretty durn funny, but it's
very very long. read if you dare.
c'mon#! read the encore piece!# you'll LOVE it, believe me!# laugh out
loud at those crazy #zines people!##!
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(issue number 99) y0lk (july 30th, 1996)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
% "99 baby"
well we are one issue away from 100. what makes it so special is i get to do
the very last two digit issue of y0lk ever. big deal.
% kojak doesn't like what he sees in y0lk
actually kojak's writings in the previous issue (98 if you're dumb) i thought
were very helpful to y0lk. though i never correct my own mistakes, i'm going
to try to start to do that. one reason is that i makes my writings a lower
standard than they should be if i went back and took the time to see what is
wrong with an article.
but, as a 17-year-old-teen i don't have that much time. i'm either playing
baseball, working as an umpire, working on my music, or in my free time, which
i don't have much of these days, trying to spend time with friends that i've
hardly ever seen since the last week of school.
% teenage life
a teenage life can be hard. everyone will go through it. you've got so many
things you have to do. then you have the things that you want to do. then you
have your parents bugging you.
i live with my mom. though i don't see her that much, since she works days and
i play baseball at nights and work at night, when i do see her i do get upset
of something she says. why?
because she tries to keep me her little kid. i get sick of it and ignore her
or yell back at her. why?
i'll tell you why i *yell* back at her. because she simply gets on my nerves.
lots of things get on my nerves. like how people treat each other. either it
be on the internet or in *real* life. i hate how people treat other people. i
mean, i try not to shit on people because i know shit will always fly back in
my face.
for 17-year-old-male-teen i'm probably more sensitive, kind and caring than
the next 17-year-old-male-teen. why is this? it probably is the way that my
parents raised me. it is probably the way i see the world and think about other
people.
guys think it is wrong to be sensitive. actually, it is fine. that is one
reason i write poetry and songs. it is good to write peotry. it gets ride of
the stress and makes you feel better, if you write about something that was
bothering you at the moment.
i've written poetry and songs about almost anything: sex, anger, suicide,
murder, hate, love, happiness. but i mostly write about the bad things. the
reason for that is that it lets me get the anger out about those things and
not hurt anyone that made me mad. and i try to live the happy moments.
though i like to think of myself as a happy person, i do have the depressed
moments in my life. but, i would sure like to be surrounded by a bunch of good
friends.
% buh-bye
well, i'm done with this issue. get ready for the 100th issue.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
big hurt said it best. peace, brother.
<psst!# and don't forget to read the ENCORE PIECE at the end of the y0lk!#@>
---(index)--------------------------------------------------------------------
.d&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&b.
$ ## $ title $ author $
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$ 01 $ the other white meat $ creed $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ creed $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ creed $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ creed $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $ hooch $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $ creed $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ hooch $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $ creed $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $ bedlam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ hooch $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ hooch $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ hooch $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ phorce $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ creed $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ creed $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ hooch $
$ 18 $ lemmings $ phorce $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology $ belial $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ cd/h0 $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? $ phorce $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself $ creed $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale $ phorce $
$ 24 $ group masturbation $ belial $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs $ creed $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet $ phorce $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause $ belial $
$ 28 $ the army day camp $ belial $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day $ creed $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings $ hooch $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver! $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur $ bedlam $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan $ creed $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines $ hooch $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears $ phorce $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't $ creed $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate $ creed $
$ 38 $ snowday $ phorce $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d $ creed $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet $ hooch $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! $ creed $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue $ phorce $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass! $ creed $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars $ creed $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers $ creed $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life $ creed $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst $ creed $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave $ trip $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet $ creed $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost $ poots $
$ 54 $ the schoolhouse r0x!# $ phorce $
$ 55 $ campbell's chicken-noodle soup omen of death $ creed $
$ 56 $ dead cats $ juke $
$ 57 $ my inner taco $ handle $
$ 58 $ my place, or yours? $ mercuri $
$ 59 $ how to really use that spiffy monopoly money $ lumpy $
$ 60 $ struggle wif the giant pink elephant $ lucifer $
$ 61 $ why did the chicken cross the road? $ insane $
$ 62 $ y0lk test pattern $ mutter $
$ 63 $ ELiTE LiT from the master himself $ creed $
$ 64 $ creed's k-rad lit archives, volume two $ creed $
$ 65 $ UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. $ creed $
$ 66 $ how y0lk saved my life (sorta) $ creed $
$ 67 $ shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles $ ideal $
$ 68 $ some puppet plays $ phorce $
$ 69 $ "... Hello operator ..." $ mutter $
$ 70 $ i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. $ traq $
$ 71 $ battle of the ants $ rage $
$ 72 $ fun on the phone $ ideal $
$ 73 $ yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries..$ handle $
$ 74 $ i love you as my own mother $ sphrog $
$ 75 $ jamesy and the giant slinky $ jamesy $
$ 76 $ do not fuck with the big and hairy bears $ murmur $
$ 77 $ horror story $ oeb $
$ 78 $ dat wh0re $ s.sheep $
$ 79 $ the ewok rant $ taraxis $
$ 80 $ the arcade avenger $ tao $
$ 81 $ the night before 2600 $ d.cheez $
$ 82 $ journey into the mind of a no-brained counterculturist $ taraxis $
$ 83 $ a generic y0lk file $ mogel $
$ 84 $ cultural inclination? $ m.head $
$ 85 $ australia through the eyes of a spoon $ spoony $
$ 86 $ the life of a demented sysop $ spoony $
$ 87 $ little johnny carpenter $ franman $
$ 88 $ phan male $ ideal $
$ 89 $ bighurt is back!# $ bighurt $
$ 90 $ the discovery channel $ sphrog $
$ 91 $ fruitopia caps!@#$ $ bighurt $
$ 92 $ the story of carla $ trip $
$ 93 $ a joltcola y0lk $ joltcola$
$ 94 $ spinsane's story $ spinsane$
$ 95 $ fish pillows, mothers, and limericks $ sphrog $
$ 96 $ cOsmic revelations, fever induced flashbacks, and pedOph...$ spinsane$
$ 97 $ stinky cheese and the seven messy petes $ joltcola$
$ 98 $ what i've seen of y0lk really sucks $ kojak $
$ 99 $ the badness steps out and takes a solo $ various $
"T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T"
---(infoez)-------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk!@ beware!#
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
mindcrime is a crazed oriental looking for revenge.
[clarification: mindcrime may actually be a y0lk member. no one knows.]
heil creed. <HEIL!# HEIL!#>
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp://ftp.openix.com/ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for "y0lkb0t" on irc, efnet. type "@y0lk (number)" for y0lks.
_OR_... ATTENTION y0lkies!# join the y0lk mailing list!# chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too!# email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
"subscribe y0lk" in the body of the message.
OR! *new* alt.zines.y0lk! subscribe today! yes, folks, YOU can READ the
NEWSGROUP alt.zines.y0lk! isn't that special? join y0lknet too. thank phorce.
if you have ANY normal internet provider, you can read alt.zines.y0lk!@
OR OR OR!@ the *official* y0lk html is at http://www.openix.com/~phorce/y0lk
OR!# coming soon! micro ("pirate") radio!# a y0lk hour-of-fun ON THE AIR!#
(sorry, available only for those in the northern new jersey area.)
don't you feel like you're getting a little too much information here?
couldn't we just show our ftp site and shut up? it's just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
...
---(encore y0lk!##!)----------------------------------------------------------
attention, peoples!##! here it is:
the official y0lk #99 encore performance!##!
... a lovely piece featuring crank, kaynine, tMM, and big hurt, with Gaurdian
and Vanir as supporting roles. read and love through all 600 lines.
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
a log and a rebuttal - big hurt
---(y0lk)---------------------------------------------------------------------
a special log from some guys in #zines that try to make me look queer.
[ed. note: queer?! they never mentioned big hurt being gay#!!#!]
(the log)
<hurt> crank; hmm. i was hoping you would come to like arizona and hang
out with me and we could get drunk.
<tMM> bahahahaha
<crank> hey, yeah! that's a pretty good idea, hurt!
<tMM> hey! hurt, wanna go smoke crack with me?!
<hurt> tmm; umm, no. i dont do those drugs.
<crank> do you do any drugs, hurt?
<hurt> crank; no.
<crank> hurt: why not?
<tMM> hurt: why not?
<crank> just curious.
<hurt> tmm & crank; because i play baseball year round and i dont need
drugs fucking up my career.
<tMM> career?
<crank> hurt: don't you consider alcohol to be a drug?
<tMM> erf.. brb
* tMM is i d l e
<hurt> crank; yeah, but i dont hardly even drink. not for a long time.
<crank> I don't do any drugs, big hurt. I would never get drunk with you.
<crank> I would never get drunk with anyone.
<hurt> tmm; yeah. i have a good chance at making it pro pitching some day.
possibly with the arizona diamondbacks in 1998.
<crank> I would never get drunk alone.
*** crank changes topic to "big hurt == the male girlie17."
<kaynine> baha
<kaynine> whoaoa
<hurt> crank; yeah, change that topic. i dont like it.
* crank whistles innocently.
<crank> hurt: and what if I say N0!@#?$!#?
<hurt> crank; then, i'm gonna write about it in my diary. so there.
<crank> hurt: awesome!
<crank> greet me!
<crank> say "crank is my friend!#"
<crank> say "she told me so#!@"
<crank> and then you will be cool and accepted.
<hurt> crank; not yj, my diary. but, i will like greet you in yj.
<crank> ok!
<kaynine> yeah. remember to say "kaynine threatened me physically."
<crank> big hurt, tell me your real name.
<hurt> kaynine; okay. here is what it will say for you: "hi kaynine.
she threatened to fondle me. so i had to." oops. wrong saying.
<crank> dood?
<kaynine> uh.
<kaynine> i think you didn't hear me, batboy.
<kaynine> you push with crank, and you're pushing me.
<hurt> crank; i can't. i work for the gov't. and in my gov't rule book
i'm not allowed to reveal myself or real name. but we will call me
hurt for now.
<crank> is your real name LEO?
<hurt> crank; no. it is john.
<hurt> crank; it says it in the very first issue of yj.
<crank> hi, john!
<crank> watch this.
<kaynine> john.
<kaynine> hmm.
<crank> <kaynine> i'm 19, 6'6", 330lbs, extremely protective, and if you ever
<crank> think about even saying something that dumb again, i'll
<crank> mangle you into A FUCKING CHEEZ DOODLE.
<crank> remember it!
<hurt> what are your names?
<tMM> my name is habib
<crank> I'm steve.
<hurt> hi habib.
<kaynine> i'll cause you pain of an unspeakable kind.
<hurt> kaynine i believe you.
<tMM> whats up?
<hurt> crank; i thought you said you were a women.
<kaynine> my name is rj.
<crank> I am. the name steve is non-gender specific.
<kaynine> you'll know me by my portable stormcloud.
<tMM> pahaha
<hurt> crank; i guess it could be. but i've never heard of a female
with the name steve. woa. that is cool anyhow.
<tMM> stevie nicks?
<crank> yeah. really.
<crank> and I like to chew tobaccey.
<tMM> sheesh
<tMM> oh yeah
<tMM> hurt: do you chew on the field?
<hurt> tobacco is bad for you.
<tMM> so is alcohol
<tMM> so is baseball
<tMM> so is the computer.
<hurt> tmm; nope. cant. and if i could, i wouldnt.
<crank> that's why I don't chew or smoke it!
<tMM> i don't drink, i don't smoke, and i don't toke. i'm the cleanest
man alivee!
<tMM> alive!
<kaynine> remember. rj. remember that name.
<hurt> okay.
<tMM> rj = serial killah!
<crank> hurt, I have a confession.
*** mercuri (jwapienn@earth12.ts.pla-net.net) has joined #zines
*** y0lkb0t sets mode: +o mercuri
<y0lkb0t> [mercuri] http://www.pla-net.net/~jwapienn/merc/
<crank> I lied to you.
<crank> my name's not steve. it's johann.
<mercuri> hi
<crank> can you ever forgive me?
<kaynine> and i'm peewee.
<tMM> my name is jonas
<kaynine> we travel the forest in search of smurfs
<hurt> crank; no. fuck you. you lied to me. i'm gonna go crazy.
<tMM> you aren't already?
<kaynine> oh yeah?
<crank> uh, pardon me. did you just swear at me?
<crank> hm?
<crank> eh?
<kaynine> oh yeah motherfucker?!
<tMM> hey rj!
<crank> hey, rj! he swore at me!
<tMM> GET HIM!
<kaynine> AWW YEAH
<hurt> crank; umm, no. i didnt. that was the bad side of mr hurt.
<kaynine> IT'S ON NOW BITCH
<mercuri> uh
<tMM> come on bitz
<crank> hurt: apologize and I'll call him off.
<tMM> i'll beat you into a "big hurt"
<hurt> crank; i'm so sorry. will you every fogive me.
<crank> hah.
*** mercuri (jwapienn@earth12.ts.pla-net.net) has left #zines
<crank> awesome.
<tMM> hey, rj!"
<kaynine> tmm, i'm stopping by your house on the way back.
<crank> hurt: I don't sense enough sincerity!
<tMM> rad!
<tMM> we'll drink his beer!
<tMM> doh
<kaynine> lish.. the long knife, or the two short ones?
<crank> rj: the two short ones. try not to cut too deeply.
<kaynine> ok.
<tMM> brb
* tMM is gone - pizza
<hurt> crank; if you dont believe me, then i'm taking your greet out of yj4.
<crank> hurt: DON'T THREATEN ME, PONQ.
<crank> I'LL HAVE YOU BEATEN INTO A WRITHING, BLOODY OOZE.
<hurt> oh yeah crank.
*** hurt (lowen@goodnet.com) has left #zines
<crank> hahaha
<kaynine> hahahaha
*** hurt (lowen@goodnet.com) has joined #zines
<hurt> ahahahaha. that showed you.
<crank> OKAY, HURT
<crank> I FORGIVE YOU
<crank> I'M SORYR
<crank> YOU SHOWED ME
<kaynine> mm. i can't find that clip.
<crank> I AM HUMBLED
<crank> i am humbled.
<kaynine> where the fuck is my other clip?! shit..
<hurt> crank; good. lets be friends. okay.
<crank> ok!
<crank> hey, everyone!
<crank> I'm friends with big hurt!
*** crank changes topic to "<hurt> crank; good. lets be friends. okay."
<kaynine> yeah, i have some friends for big hurt.
<crank> are they sharp friends, rj?
<crank> will they smart?
<hurt> kaynine; what are you going to do with the clip. shoot me.
<crank> ha ha!
<kaynine> yep.
<hurt> (gulp)
<kaynine> hahahaha
<kaynine> he thinks i'm kidding!
<kaynine> hahahaha
<kaynine> or, at least, i'll shoot _at_ you.
<kaynine> i'm not a good shot.
<hurt> (hurt runs around in circles looking for a place to hide. trying
to dodge the bullets from kaynine's massive gun.)
<kaynine> oh yeah. this is gonna be fun.
<kaynine> lish, i should be back in a couple of days.
<kaynine> please tell kim, and i'll just hope to talk to her when i get back.
<kaynine> i hope the car starts.
<kaynine> bye
---(later...)-----------------------------------------------------------------
*** jobu has joined #zines
*** y0lkb0t sets mode: +o jobu
<y0lkb0t> [jobu] w00f
<crank> hey aaron.
<hurt> tmm; i ... i ... i didn't mean too ... i just couldnt resist crank.
(sniff, sniff)
<jobu> crank what the fuck is up with rj??
<crank> jobu: big hurt here pissed him off.
<jobu> he jsut came in here and was screaming and i couldn't get him to stop
<hurt> crank; i guess i did. i was just playing around with you crank.
<jobu> holy fuck hes mad
<crank> you took it way too far with rj, hurt.
<tMM> dude
<tMM> big men that are mad scare me.
<crank> jobu: can you calm him down? I dunno if he found the clips, but he
was sure looking for them.
<jobu> aww SHIT.!? he took the clips!#
<crank> I don't know.
<crank> he found one.
<tMM> dude
<hurt> crank; sorry. didnt mean too.
<jobu> fuck he took the bat too.
<tMM> rj is fucken crazy
<jobu> oh wlel..
<jobu> who is the lucky fuck?
<crank> I don't know why you keep that shit around, aaron. you know how rj is.
<crank> jobu: hurt.
<jobu> HEY.. HE BUYS IT
<jobu> ahh.
<hurt> jobu; can you tell me what rj looks like?
<Gaurdian> Uh.
<crank> huge.
<crank> scary.
<jobu> he's like 6 5 and 300 or so.
<jobu> hes got brown hair, but i saw some dye in the bathroom.. lemme go check
<hurt> jobu; can you send me a photo of him.
* jobu is away loking for the dye
<jobu> ok.. he's going to be big and have really black hair
<jobu> holy shit. he took the razors. he's going to be cuting himself on the
way. haha your fucked.
<jobu> good luck
<jobu> hes gonna be bleeding on the arms and face
<hurt> jobu; well, just tell send me a photo.
<hurt> jobu; what is his full name?
<jobu> fuck. you think he'd want me to do that? i'm not as stupid as you are
<crank> hurt: how many fucking huge guys are after you that you can't identify
this one?
*** tMM has quit IRC (Ping timeout)
<jobu> i dont want him kickin my ass dumbshit
<jobu> his name is rj, but he'll be going by 'aaron largent' prolly
<jobu> he has some id for it.
<hurt> crank; well, i will find out where he lives. then i will send out my
hitman to get him. i seriosly have a friend that knows hitman. and if
he is really come to get me, then he will be elimated as they say.
<jobu> hahahaha
<jobu> hahahahah
<crank> elimated?
<crank> ELIMATED?
<crank> YOU'RE GOING TO ELIMATE HIM?
<jobu> hurt, he's already gone.
<crank> OH GOD!#@#$!
<hurt> crank; yeah. i said elimated. that is what they call it. you fuck with
big hurt, you get fucked.
*** tMM (jlantz@netcom8.netcom.com) has joined #zines
*** y0lkb0t sets mode: +o tMM
*** crank changes topic to "<hurt> and if he is really come to get me, then
he will be elimated."
<Gaurdian> I've always wanted to kill someone I didn't know.
<Gaurdian> Sort of a fantasy.
<jobu> hahaha
<jobu> kid you got big problems
<Gaurdian> If you have no MOTIVE, it's tough to convict, ya know?
<jobu> 320 POUNDS of problems
<hurt> jobu; no i dont got big problems, since you are the one that is kaynine
or whatever.
<Gaurdian> Would anyone REALLY believe that a nice guy like me would break
into someone's house, not steal anything, and kill someone in cold
blood for no reason?
<Gaurdian> Of course not.
*** Vanir (~god@peo24.mtco.com) has joined #zines
<jobu> not. haha
<jobu> this is my account.
<jobu> hahahaha
<Vanir> ello
<crank> hey matt
<jobu> you think a big guy like rj is going to have the mind to buy an account
on his own?
<jobu> duh.
<hurt> jobu; i believe you. but you logged off and changed handles.
<jobu> he's big. not smart.
<jobu> duh. we use the same local system.
<jobu> it's the same fucking account.
<tMM> they go to the same school dumbass.
<jobu> hahahaha
<hurt> jobu; anyways if rj just left, then my hitmen would be able to track
him down after i connect to the system and find out where he lives.
<crank> is that so?
<hurt> crank; yeah it is. but, i believe this conversation has gone to far.
<tMM> hitman?
<jobu> hahaha
<jobu> you're assuming that you can find him.
<jobu> which yuou CANT!!@#!$
<hurt> jobu; i cant find him, but my friends hitmen can.
<jobu> sure they can
<tMM> is this mafia or just some gang-bang shit?
<tMM> are you a whigger, hurt?
<jobu> hahahaha
<hurt> tmm; this is mafia. it is a family thing.
<tMM> hurt: what family?
<crank> hurt: you're in the MAFIA?!
<tMM> hurt: my grandfather knows a lot of mafia stuff.. i'm italian myself.
<crank> hurt: the mafia != twelve year olds with bb guns.
<hurt> crank; i'm part of it. the italian mafia.
<crank> oyeah?
<crank> do you own the par-a-dice casino in east peoria by any chance?
<tMM> hurt: what family?
<tMM> hurt: what family?
<tMM> hurt: what family?
<tMM> hurt: what family?
<jobu> boy. i'm glad he left. i get all his chinese food. umm. :>
<crank> hurt: just wondering!#
<hurt> crank; buddy ol pal, that was a stupid question to ask.
<tMM> buddy ol pal? when did daffy duck get on?
<jobu> crank, what did dumbass there say?
<crank> I asked if he owned the par-a-dice casinos.
<jobu> no no no
<crank> no?
<jobu> what did he say to make rj all mad an shit?
<crank> oh! heh.
<tMM> he was insulting crank
<tMM> like
<crank> more shit about me and getting drunk with him. you know how damned
protective he is of me.
<tMM> the one thing that rj will go ballistic about
<tMM> hey hurt
<jobu> holy shit. good job dumbass
<Vanir> jesus. you remember what happened the last time.... is he still on
probation?
<crank> I don't think so ..
<jobu> don't you know about crank being his sis and all?
<crank> I wonder how the other guy is doing with his wheelchair.
<jobu> maybe he can loan it to you
<tMM> you still haven't answered me
<tMM> WHAT FAMILY ARE YOU A PART OF?!
<Vanir> he still walks with a limp. I saw him on the quad the other day at
isu and he tried to avoid me.
<crank> heh. well, at least he's recovered that far.
<Gaurdian> You know what'd be cool? A mailbomb! You could sign the card
"The REAL Unibomber" and maybe get Kacyznski off the hook.
<jobu> CRANK IS HIS SISTER DUMBASS. YOU STILL THINK YOU'RE FUCKING SAFE HAHAHA
<tMM> why is hurt not talking?
<crank> too busy cleaning up his 'accident'.
<crank> seriously. our family is so tight. heh, apparently, if he's willing to
dismember for me.
<tMM> dood
<jobu> no shit
<jobu> he said that he was gonna fuck whoever this shithead is up good..
<tMM> *** CTCP PING reply from hurt: 58 seconds
<jobu> i hope he fuckin bought pizza before he left
* jobu is away lookin for dinner
<hurt> tmm; yeah. what. i was taking a piss. and it is the silician mafia.
does that answer your question?
<tMM> silician?
<tMM> is that supposed to be sicillian?
<tMM> like
<tMM> silicon mafia?
<tMM> hahaha
*** crank changes topic to "<hurt> and it is the silician mafia."
<hurt> tmm; oops my bad. sicilian.
<tMM> YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL YOUR OWN FAMILIES NAME?!
<tMM> you are either :
<tMM> 1. stupid
<tMM> 2. lying
<tMM> i vote fo the latter
<crank> jobu: is rj still on all those weird psychoactive drugs?
<jobu> no. he ran out. the doc said he shouldn't be out in public, but he
just woudlnt listen
<Vanir> only relafin. the others they took him off when he started seeing
things.
<crank> oh, ok. well, that's something in hurt's favor.
<jobu> not really
<jobu> hes still on roids
<jobu> the valium only slowed him down
<tMM> hurt: yeah right
<tMM> first of all
<tMM> THERE IS NO SICILIAN MAFIA
<tMM> there is no unified sicilian mafia
<tMM> it's broken up
<tMM> into a bunch of different famies
<hurt> tmm; dont tell me what to do. just dont.
<Gaurdian> Hahaha... silicon mafia. That's kinda cool, actually.
<tMM> hurt: what did i tell you waht to do?
<tMM> I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE WRONG
<tMM> NOT WHAT TO DO
<hurt> tmm; fuck you. yes, there is. how would you even know. tell me that.
its not like we go around all that time saying, yep, i'm part of the
sicilian mafia.
<tMM> hurt: you are doing exactly that.
<jobu> crank! did you hear me!@? he STILL ON STEROIDS.
<jobu> fuck.
<jobu> never mind
<crank> yeesh.
<jobu> i'm gettin' my pizza now
<crank> well.
<tMM> and i know because i am italian and my grandfather has a lot of friends
from chicago
and cincinnati
<tMM> i lived in cincinnati for five years.
<crank> I hope you have time to get anohter yellow journal out, hurt.
<crank> before you lose the use of your body.
<tMM> sheesh hurt
<hurt> tmm; i'm not doing that. you asked me what family i'm in and i answered
the fucking question.
<tMM> no
<tMM> there is no sicilian family
<tMM> thats a fucking country
<tMM> not a family
<tMM> duh
<hurt> tmm; have you ever lived in new york. no. i was born and raised there.
that is where we came into the country. where it orginated.
* Gaurdian is laughing at the dead man walking
<tMM> hurt: wow.. my grandfather immigrated from ITALY
<tMM> and what does being born in new york do for you?
<tMM> give you lung cancer from all the pollution
<crank> gives you an accent.
<hurt> tmm; like so did my grandfather and my dad was born there.
<hurt> tmm; do you know anything about the italian mafia.
<tMM> I JUST TOLD YOU
<tMM> my grandfather has friends.
<jobu> HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT HE TOOK THE HAMMER. HAHAHA
<tMM> when he immigrated over he lived in the upper peninsula of michigan
<tMM> then moved down to chicago right before the war.
<jobu> at least that big dumshit bought food b4 he went nnuts
<tMM> dude
<tMM> hurt, your attempt to intimidate me really doesn't work
<hurt> tmm; most of the big italia mafia makes there home in new york, but
there is other famalies throughout the country.
<tMM> "dont' tell me what to do, just don't"
<tMM> yeah
<tMM> i know that.
<tMM> and there is no sicilian family
<tMM> a bunch of families might constitute a mafia from sicily
<hurt> tmm; how do you know? how did you find out about that?
<tMM> but there is no one unified mafia
<tMM> I JUST TOLD YOU
<tMM> my grandfather has friends.
<tMM> i am not in it.
<jobu> um. does anyone know if rj said anything about kansas? he was supposed
to pick up some fireworks and other shit
<tMM> he once was.
<tMM> he told me a lot of stuff
<tMM> because i asked.
<hurt> tmm; did you just ask your grandfathers friends.
<tMM> no
<tMM> i asked my grandfather.
<hurt> is he there right now.
<jobu> hey crank!
<crank> yeah?
<jobu> did he say anything about kansas?
<Gaurdian> So, uh.
<Gaurdian> Anyway.
<Gaurdian> What good is being in the mafia supposed to do you, anyway?
<tMM> with me?
<tMM> nope
<tMM> he still lives in cincinnati
<tMM> i don't live there anymore.
<crank> oh, uh, he said hurt was on the way, so I assume he's heading
elsewhere, but he didn't specify.
<tMM> he's going to have hitmen get rj
<jobu> ok. cool shit
<hurt> then how can you ask him the question of is there family by that name.
you cant. so dont go jumping the gun.
<crank> but you may have to, hurt! ha ha!
<tMM> uhm
<tMM> i didn't jump a gun
<tMM> i used to talk to him about families
<tMM> and it just so happens that
<tMM> in THE GODFATHER
<tMM> there was a family called the corleone family that some people called
the SICILIAN mafia
<tMM> i asked him if that was true
<tMM> he said there is no unity in the mafia
<tMM> just a bunch of families looking out for themselves
<hurt> tmm; cool it. it is a expression.
<tMM> hurt: what is an expression
<Vanir> he just doesn't understand. when rj goes, it's not just a fit of rage.
<jobu> hey! remember what rj did to that revrend guy?
<jobu> haha. god he couldn't even walk withougt pissing his pants
<crank> you know, I bet hurt doesn't believe any of this.
<crank> that's the best part.
<tMM> hurt: don't change your story
<hurt> tmm; well guess what. you caught me lieing. which you probably already
knew. but, thanks to you, i learned alot about the italian mafia. but,
i really do have a friend that is part italian and his father's whole
enter family is in it, except for his father.
<crank> it's too bad we won't be getting a picture of hurt's face when rj shows
up .. well, before it's broken, that is.
<tMM> wow
<Vanir> he plans everything weeks in advance. that gives him a lot of time to
get people together...
<tMM> that was hard.
<crank> hey, it's good to admit to that stuff.
<hurt> crank; i know.
<Gaurdian> You're not going to find a hitman who's gonna do a job for you,
hurt. You little punk.
<tMM> why don't you do it yourself
<jobu> he couldnt take rj!@#
<jobu> FUCK!
<jobu> hahahahahahhahahAHAH
<Vanir> that still doesn't change the fact that rj is coming to fuck you up
man. you may have been lying but we're not....
<hurt> guardian; my friends drug dealer has hitmen, which my friend could
hire for free. since he buys so much.
<Gaurdian> Ha.
<Gaurdian> That's just talk.
<tMM> oooh
<tMM> it's a brother-thang
<tMM> hurt is all talk
<Gaurdian> They'll say stuff like that, but they won't follow through.
<tMM> he's nothing
<crank> "oh, sure I'll off a guy for you! what, oh, no charge. you sell me so
much shit, man, this one's free!#"
<Vanir> this guy's a moron.
<Gaurdian> Nothing comes free.
<Vanir> err... a dead moron...
<hurt> tmm; everyone is all talk.
<tMM> i am not
<Vanir> buy one hit get one free
<Gaurdian> Ha. I really would kill for free... just once. I'd like to follow
someone around for a few weeks, ya know. Watch their house. Never
use cars, just go on foot... That'd just rule. Figure out when
they come and go... when they're alone...
<tMM> i mean every word i say here
<tMM> and back up my words.
<tMM> and do not lie
<tMM> that doesn't constitute "all talk."
<hurt> tmm; so i lied. i sinned. i have no god to forgive me. i dont give a
rats ass. i have my own beliefs.
<tMM> which are?
<crank> your beliefs won't save your body, hurt.
<hurt> tmm; i dont feel like talking about them with you.
<jobu> FUCK FUCK FUCK
<tMM> you better make your peace with god before rj gets there
<tMM> because you are going to see him quick
<jobu> THE WHOLE FUCKING DOORFRAME IS FUCKING RUINED
<tMM> both rj and god.
<hurt> to think like awhile ago this place was dead and i've got everyone
talking. i'm so wonderful.
<jobu> THATS FUCKING 400 BUCKS
<tMM> yeah
<tMM> pat yourself on the back.
<crank> it always gets busy this time of night.
<jobu> THERES FUCKING PLASTER ALL OVER FUCK
<Vanir> eulogies always bring traffic
<hurt> tmm; now that is all talk.
<Vanir> I said that the last time somebody fucked w/ crank. <sigh>
<tMM> hurt: what is all talk?
<jobu> crank why didn't you try to stop him??!! shit. i don't have the money
to replace the door
<jobu> FUCK!
<hurt> tmm; that someone is coming to get me. when he doesnt even now
my last name and he barely knows the state i live in.
<tMM> no it isn't
<tMM> rj is going to visit you.
<tMM> that's reality
<tMM> he knows your last name
<crank> jobu: he left before I could say much. I tried, but you KNOW how he
is. don't blame me if my brother is fucking psycho.
<jobu> FUCKING A
<hurt> tmm; how do you know? and no he doesnt. because i barely told him my
first name.
<jobu> BUT WHO'S GONNA PAY FOR MY FUCKING DOOR?!??!??
<crank> we will somehow, aaron.
<tMM> john mitchell
<tMM> correct?
<jobu> shit
<jobu> i fucking hate his fucking temper.
<hurt> tmm; yes, but you either checked your chat logs or just looked at the
yj issues. didnt you? am i correct?
<tMM> IF I KNOW THEN RJ KNOWS
<jobu> no dood
<jobu> he has a hugeass list of names
<jobu> and stufff he's got like all these friends on the west coast
<jobu> hes awesome at finding people.
<Vanir> there's stuff available to the public that will map someone email
address right to the street it's from. if you don't believe me, try
lycos' roadmap. he knows you and where you live so i suggest you get
a REALLy good apology ready.
<hurt> vanir; i got one for him. i'll shove my gun up his ass and blow him to
fuck. is that good.
<jobu> hahahahha
<crank> you won't do it in time.
<jobu> hahahhahha
<crank> you forget.
<crank> how tall are you, hurt?
<hurt> 6'8"
<jobu> HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
<crank> right.
<crank> how tall are you, hurt?
<hurt> 6'8"
<jobu> HAHAHAHHA
<jobu> god. your gonna die
<crank> is that 5'8?
<hurt> and 247.
<jobu> and its gonna be funny
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<hurt> crank; no. 6'8"
<tMM> yeah right
<tMM> 6'8
<tMM> bahahaha
<jobu> crank it doesn't matter how tall he is.
<crank> 247. he still has a good seventy pounds on you.
<Vanir> 6'8" 247 and its all bone. heh
<jobu> shit
<hurt> this is horse shit. i like how all of you lie.
<jobu> uh huh.
<jobu> yeah.
<tMM> yeah
<tMM> you lie too.... i guess you are one of us!@
*** hurt has quit IRC (Leaving)
<Vanir> hurt: you oughta sell real estate
<crank> hurt: do you have an unnaturally large head?
<crank> oh man!
<tMM> NO
<crank> hahaha.
<tMM> HE LEFT
<crank> cut the log.
<crank> send it up.
<Gaurdian> Oh.
<jobu> like if we're lying and shit, we always have to pay for all the shit
he fucks up. i just got done helping with hostpital bills. i'm not
going to pay for yours either, dumbass
<Vanir> hahaha
<Gaurdian> Man... ya know, height and weight mean fucking NOTHING.
<crank> true.
<crank> but he wouldn't know that.
<tMM> *** Signoff: hurt (Leaving)
<tMM> *** Signoff: hurt (Leaving)
<tMM> *** Signoff: hurt (Leaving)
<jobu> thank you, thank you
<crank> rj! logs!
<crank> matt saw merely half!
<Gaurdian> I know a guy, he much be under 5'8", but he could so damn beat the
crap out of people.
<jobu> i'll log off, edit them, and send them up.
<crank> rj
<jobu> hmm?
<Vanir> coolio
<Gaurdian> Shit, he was a double blackbelt or something, and he didn't seem
to feel pain.
<crank> start it around where he asks me to get drunk with him. I think that's
good.
<jobu> ok.
<tMM> hahaha
<jobu> ok. brb
<tMM> i should put that in relish
<jobu> "fuckin' shit up"
---(the end)-------------------------------------------------------------------
this is the end of the log. see they even said they were going to edit it. i
believe i got part of the edited version. you can tell kaynine who logged
this was playing a joke on me when he logs off and then relogs on to capture
the rest. there was a part left out between that time that i said he was full
of crap and he aint going to get me. i went along with his shit. so i'm
clearing that up with everyone right now.
- big hurt
---(the real end)--------------------------------------------------------------
well, this is it. you've read through the ENTIRE y0lk. email me and i'll
lavish you with love and affection. (that's phorce@nexxus.novasys.com)
if you've just skipped ahead to read this, then FUCK YOU. HMMPH.
"what a bunch of losers we are."
-- creed
