y0lk-107

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Y0LK

 · 5 years ago

  

 

 
YOUR LIFE UP TO THIS POINT HAS BEEN A BIG FAT JOKE.  YOU ARE AWARE OF THIS 

 
FACT.  IF YOU WISH TO REPAIR YOUR HOPELESS LIFE SITUATION, PUT DOWN EVERYTHING 

 
AND PREPARE YOUR MIND FOR THE TEXTUAL MECCA THAT IS Y0LK.  PREPARE TO SUBMIT 

 
YOUR SOUL TO THE ALMIGHTY... 

 
 

 
 

 
$$$$$$$""$""$P"^"T$""$$$$P"^"T$P"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""T$ 

 
$$$$$$$  $  $  $  $  $$$$  $  $|                                             |$ 

 
$$$$$$$  $  $  $  $  $$$$  $  $:  y0lq issue number #one hundred seven.....  :$ 

 
$$$$$$$bgg  $  $  $  $  g  $  $.  "glorp's fatal error"  author: creed       .$ 

 
$$$$$$$  $  $  $  $  $  $bsg  $:                                             :$ 

 
$$$$$$$bgggd$$bsd$$ggggd$$$$gg$&bsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssd&$ 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
           - from the private files of the y0lk production force - 

 
 

 
_______________________________________________________________________________ 

 
_______________________________________________________________________________ 

 
 

 
 

 
        it was 9:45 pm.  tom, glorp, and steve sat hunched in a semicircle 

 
half-surrounding a square table at apu's italian eatery.  outside, the town's 

 
youth were hustling around on street corners, making noise and smoking 

 
cigarettes.  the droning sound of their voices filled the town and could be 

 
heard faintly from inside the restaraunt. 

 
 

 
        "there's nothing in the whole fucking world worse than a town full of 

 
human filth," tom blurted out with his mouth full of cheesesteak. 

 
 

 
        steve sighed softly and stared down at his untouched slices of pizza. 

 
"i know exactly how you feel.  can you believe these kids, throwing their bikes 

 
down on the sidewalk, polluting the streets with their presence and disgusting 

 
voices?  don't they have families?  it's like they think they own the town." 

 
 

 
        the discussion followed typically.  steve and tom had run through this 

 
one at least three nights this week.  glorp sat silently, studying the map of 

 
sicily hung up on the wall of the eatery.  without looking down, he grabbed a 

 
mozzarella stick from the plate in front of him, and inserted it into his 

 
mouth. 

 
 

 
        what glorp did not know was that all mozzarella sticks are endowed with 

 
the immortal powers of y0lk upon their conception.  when glorp placed that 

 
short rod of fried cheese into his mouth, he was actually consuming the power 

 
of the ancient y0lkians, from which all civilization emerged.  a feeling of 

 
ecstasy filled him, giving him strength that all regular mozzarella-stick 

 
connossieurs should be more than familiar with. 

 
 

 
        with the uncontrollable force of the y0lkians, glorp stood up, pushed 

 
the square table over, and screamed "I AM A *GOD* N0W!!!!"  his eyes turned a 

 
blinding yellow and pink smoke began to emerge from behind them.  the room 

 
began to rumble as he summoned the legendary robot Y0LKTR0N, defender of the 

 
universe, to come to his side and aid in the destruction of all that he did not 

 
approve of in the world... 

 
 

 
        BUT SUDDENLY, the blaring sound of the y0lk theme song could be heard 

 
from the streets outside.  the y0lk global catastrophe intervention and 

 
catering force had arrived!  as the FATMOBILE, painted in blazing colors, 

 
pulled up to the sidewalk and came to a screeching halt, the side door slid 

 
open and the almighty y0lk force spewed out with cat-like agility! 

 
 

 
        first came CREED, dressed in his black velvet pants, brown boots, 

 
flowing black cape, and his GIRL POWER skin-tight belly shirt, and armed with 

 
the almighty blue SUPERHAPPYFUNBALL he had purchased an hour earlier for $1.69 

 
at the price chopper supermarket!  surrounded by his unbreakable teenage cloud 

 
of apathy, he moved to the side of the street and dribbled the 

 
SUPERHAPPYFUNBALL patiently, preparing for combat! 

 
 

 
        then, after a brief pause to tie his shoes inside the FATMOBILE, 

 
PHORCE (still affiliated with y0lk) stumbled out!  after falling on his face 

 
onto the sidewalk, he reached into his backpack and pulled out a stack of y0lk 

 
issues he had photocopied the night before and began to distribute them to 

 
various citizens as they passed by on the sidewalk! 

 
 

 
        after pondering his state for a while, MOGEL decided to remain in the 

 
FATMOBILE!  he picked up his cheap laptop and began to arrange a textfile to 

 
publish from the y0lk event! 

 
 

 
        "good thinking, MOGEL!" boomed SATAN, as he clunked out of the 

 
FATMOBILE.  he laughed with insane glee at something, apparently very evil, 

 
that eluded the rest of the y0lk force.  the cackling continued for two minutes 

 
ago, until SATAN noticed that no one was laughing with him.  he blushed, which 

 
the y0lk force also did not notice, since his skin was dark red anyway, and 

 
stepped to the side to accompany CREED and PHORCE. 

 
 

 
        ALSO PRESENT AT THE EVENT WERE: TRIP, BELIAL, BIG HURT, MUTTER, HOOCH, 

 
IDEAL, EERIE, AND MERCURI, ALONG WITH ANYONE ELSE WHO MAY HAVE HELPED THE Y0LK 

 
EFFORT OVER THE YEARS.  UNFORTUNATELY, THEY HAD TO REMAIN INSIDE THE FATMOBILE 

 
FOR THIS MISSION DUE TO OVERCROWDING, EXCESS OF CHARACTERIZATION AND INSIDE 

 
JOKES, AND COMPLETE ABSENCE OF PLOT.  THE EVENTS THAT FOLLOWED WERE QUITE 

 
AMAZING BUT REALLY NOT WORTH MENTIONING AT THIS TIME.  FOR THOSE WONDERING, THE 

 
NIGHT BORE A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO AN EPISODE OF VOLTRON.  BUT THAT'S NOT THE 

 
POINT. 

 
 

 
        THE POINT IS, Y0LK IS A FORCE THAT SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED NOR TAMPERED 

 
WITH.  THOSE WHO FAIL TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE POWERS OF Y0LK ARE PERFECTLY FREE TO 

 
DO SO, BUT THE Y0LK PRODUCTION FORCE STRONGLY RECOMMENDS THAT YOU DO OTHERWISE. 

 
IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN ORDER AND LIVE A LONG, SATISFYING LIFE, YOU SHOULD BE 

 
ADVISED TO OBEY, PHEAR, AND HUMBLY BOW DOWN TO Y0LK. 

 
 

 
        YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.