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y0lk-080
y0lk "the arcade avenger" (yeah right, this isn't a dto rip-off)
number 80: by - shadow tao
i had just finished throwing discus at a track meet, so i decided
that on my way home, i would stop at a mall. there was no real reason, i
guess. just a brainwashed consumer zombified into returning to the
capatalist mother ship. i made my way across the parking lot and onto one
of the side ramps/entrances. i stood there for a second deliberating where i
should visit first.
i was 16, i headed for the arcade.
i had been going to quite a few track meets that month, and hadn't
been in the arcade in a while. the first thing one does when trying to
catch up for lost time in an arcade is scan for new games. scan. scan.
there's one.
'samurai spirit,' i believe it was called.
basic japanese-style fighting game. i picked a guy with big hair.
first enemy is always the putz. win one. win two. on to the second
challenge. clinkclink. "newuh chawangerr!!" (it had a bad japanese
accent.)
i looked down, and there he was. he couldn't have been more than,
say, 10. a little white punk with neon clothes. and a speech impediment.
he opened his mouth, and out poured the ancient challenge of arcade lore:
"ahm donna kicks yo ath." (it was a severe speech impediment)
the gloves were off. he chose a kabuki-looking character with a huge
tounge. it was the eternal struggle: big hair vs. steven tyler.
we started off with basic combo-search moves. we both ran through
our mnemonic libraries of mortal kombat and street fighter moves, only to
find that early on in the first battle, he was severely kicking my ath. it
was just a game. a mere game. but as anyone who has ever taken an arcade
challenge, these were just words. it's not just a game, it's your
techno-manliness.
yes, just like every other thing we males do, an arcade challenge
with a stranger is a measurement of manhood. i couldn't lose to this 10
year old. i would never be able to look at a screen again.
the second round went a little better. the kid and i were both down
to about a micron of health. unfortunately, a background character ran by
at that second and threw a bomb at him. a bomb that, fortunately for me, he
did not see. boom. round two to elvis man.
by the start of round three, i had somehow tensed my innards to the
point of vomiting. the pulse of the challenge was racing through my veins,
yanking every bit of strength i had into my hands. we started with common
opening moves. he made a few good hits, i retaliated with a barrage of
attacks. we were both nearing death, but unlike my opponents character, my
character was actually turning red.
ironicly, so was i.
"awwyeah. i'm kickin yo ath. i'm so cool, i'm hoth. wath my fisths
of fyuwee. kickin' yo ath. whoopin' yo big fath ath. wathout lardath."
let me explain the motive behind what exactly next, so it doesn't
seem that i was being an even bigger asshole than i was. i was deeply into
discus training with my father, who was an old pro at discus. one of the
things that my father had shown me early in my discus career was the
technique of 'release.' the release of a discus wasn't just the simple
motion of letting go. it was the technique of storing energy in the pit of
your stomach during warm-up. that energy is then distributed through your
body during your in-ring movements and some breathing techniques. when it
was actually time to throw the discus, the energy would explode throughout
your body and into the discus. with this explosion, somehow, a murderous
scream would erupt from deep in your stomach. people who i competed against
would sometimes be intimidated by this scream that they would not throw.
some of them wouldn't even stay around me. it was such a physically
exhausting process that sometimes i would pass out from the exertion. it
takes a lot of control to harness the power of the release technique, and
control was still something i was working on.
how unfortunate for that 10 year old.
i had somehow started the release technique unconciously. my
breathing became labored. my muscles were tensed beyond their usual
capacity. i was focused on beating the living shit out of this little
child, whether it was on the screen or otherwise.
then, somehow, i found a serious combo. my character became engulfed
in flame, swooping down onto the big-tongued kabuki warrior like a flaming
sword from hell. that was the end of kabuki.
that also happened to be the moment i lost control of all that
energy. i let out one of the awefullest banshee screams i have ever heard
in my entire life. the last i saw of that little kid, he was running for
the exit, dripping all the way.
oddly, i felt powerful again. i had destroyed a little kid in a
video game and managed to scare him to urination in the process. nevermind
that i was standing in a puddle of this little boys fear.
i was avenged.
--(index)-------------------------------------------------------------------
.d&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&b.
$ ## $ title $ author $
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$ 01 $ the other white meat $ creed $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ creed $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ creed $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ creed $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $ hooch $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $ creed $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ hooch $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $ creed $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $ bedlam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ hooch $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ hooch $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ hooch $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ phorce $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ creed $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ creed $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ hooch $
$ 18 $ lemmings $ phorce $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology $ belial $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ cd/h0 $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? $ phorce $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself $ creed $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale $ phorce $
$ 24 $ group masturbation $ belial $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs $ creed $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet $ phorce $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause $ belial $
$ 28 $ the army day camp $ belial $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day $ creed $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings $ hooch $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver! $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur $ bedlam $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan $ creed $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines $ hooch $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears $ phorce $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't $ creed $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate $ creed $
$ 38 $ snowday $ phorce $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d $ creed $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet $ hooch $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! $ creed $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue $ phorce $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass! $ creed $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars $ creed $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers $ creed $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life $ creed $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst $ creed $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave $ trip $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet $ creed $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost $ poots $
$ 54 $ the schoolhouse r0x!# $ phorce $
$ 55 $ campbell's chicken-noodle soup omen of death $ creed $
$ 56 $ dead cats $ juke $
$ 57 $ my inner taco $ handle $
$ 58 $ my place, or yours? $ mercuri $
$ 59 $ how to really use that spiffy monopoly money $ lumpy $
$ 60 $ struggle wif the giant pink elephant $ lucifer $
$ 61 $ why did the chicken cross the road? $ insane $
$ 62 $ y0lk test pattern $ mutter $
$ 63 $ ELiTE LiT from the master himself $ creed $
$ 64 $ creed's k-rad lit archives, volume two $ creed $
$ 65 $ UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. $ creed $
$ 66 $ how y0lk saved my life (sorta) $ creed $
$ 67 $ shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles $ ideal $
$ 68 $ some puppet plays $ phorce $
$ 69 $ "... Hello operator ..." $ mutter $
$ 70 $ i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. $ traq $
$ 71 $ battle of the ants $ rage $
$ 72 $ fun on the phone $ ideal $
$ 73 $ yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries..$ handle $
$ 74 $ i love you as my own mother $ sphrog $
$ 75 $ jamesy and the giant slinky $ jamesy $
$ 76 $ do not fuck with the big and hairy bears $ murmur $
$ 77 $ horror story $ oeb $
$ 78 $ dat wh0re $ s.sheep $ $
$ 79 $ the ewok rant $ taraxis $
$ 80 $ the arcade avenger $ tao $
"T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T"
--[infoez]--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
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cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz he's just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. <HEIL!# HEIL!#>
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
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"subscribe y0lk" in the body of the message.
don't you feel like you're getting a little too much information here?
couldn't we just show our ftp site and shut up? it's just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
