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y0lk-087
"little johnny carptenter"
by - black francis
little johnny carpenter stepped off the school bus & instead of
heading straight home, as he usually did, he decided to take a shortcut
through the woods. about two minutes into his journey, johnny ran into an
elf sitting upon a rock; deep in thought. startled, yet filled with
youthful curiousity, little johnny carpenter approached the creature.
"excuse me, mister .. " he said in an almost-whisper, " .. but, are
you an elf?"
"yes. yes, i am."
"do you live in these woods?"
"yes. yes, i do."
"how come? how come you don't live with the rest of the townsfolk?"
"well, little boy; i'm scared."
"scared of what?"
"exploitation."
puzzled, johnny inched even closer to the creature & hesitantly sat
down next to him on the rock.
"what ever do you mean, 'exploitation'?"
"well, kid, quite frankly, i don't want to have my face plastered
onto t-shirts, lunch boxes, saturday morning television cartoons, *or*
sugar-coated breakfast cereals. i don't want to be just another elf whose
time has come & gone. i don't want my own sitcom. i don't want my own
feature film."
"but, that would never happen here, in trucksville. you'd be free to
come & go & live & work amongst the other citizens. you could get a
full-time job with my father at the garage & move into the barn until you
could afford a place of your own."
"oh, give it up, kid. i am not your corporate whore. i have morals,
convictions, & they're certainly not for sale. i have respect for myself,
boy, & i'm not going to let some greasy hollywood agent take that away from
me."
then, little johnny carpenter began talking to the elf about
marketing, trading, stocks, bonds, buying, selling, promotions, merchandise,
& the vast, almost neverending, market that layed overseas.
sure, johnny carpenter couldn't beat jessica zglinksky in a spelling
bee, but he sure did know business.
a little over an hour later, johnny & the elf shook hands & left the
woods together, as business partners. after a few unsuccesful attempts at
daytime drama, the elf left for hollywood to persue his "true" calling;
children's programming.
"elf's corner" ran for almost twenty consecutive years on network
television & successfully spawned it's own line of children's clothing & an
amusement park, in the process. little johnny carptenter, however, was not
so lucky.
almost thirty years after their initial confrontation in the woods,
johnny carpenter became an alcoholic & an avid cocaine user. spending what
little money he earned on cheap wine & expensive prostitutes (or was that
the other way around?), johnny was forced to declare bankruptcy & move in
with his grandmother. last time he was seen alive, he was seen in the adult
movie section of the local cap'n video (tm).
despite all of this, the town of trucksville erected a plaque in town
square to honor little johnny carpenter. it was small, sure, but it was a
testament to the greatest business prodigy to ever step foot in their quaint
little community.
[END]
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$ ## $ title $ author $
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$ 01 $ the other white meat $ creed $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ creed $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ creed $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ creed $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $ hooch $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $ creed $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ hooch $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $ creed $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $ bedlam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ hooch $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ hooch $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ hooch $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ phorce $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ creed $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ creed $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ hooch $
$ 18 $ lemmings $ phorce $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology $ belial $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ cd/h0 $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? $ phorce $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself $ creed $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale $ phorce $
$ 24 $ group masturbation $ belial $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs $ creed $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet $ phorce $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause $ belial $
$ 28 $ the army day camp $ belial $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day $ creed $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings $ hooch $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver! $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur $ bedlam $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan $ creed $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines $ hooch $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears $ phorce $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't $ creed $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate $ creed $
$ 38 $ snowday $ phorce $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d $ creed $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet $ hooch $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! $ creed $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue $ phorce $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass! $ creed $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars $ creed $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers $ creed $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life $ creed $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst $ creed $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave $ trip $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet $ creed $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost $ poots $
$ 54 $ the schoolhouse r0x!# $ phorce $
$ 55 $ campbell's chicken-noodle soup omen of death $ creed $
$ 56 $ dead cats $ juke $
$ 57 $ my inner taco $ handle $
$ 58 $ my place, or yours? $ mercuri $
$ 59 $ how to really use that spiffy monopoly money $ lumpy $
$ 60 $ struggle wif the giant pink elephant $ lucifer $
$ 61 $ why did the chicken cross the road? $ insane $
$ 62 $ y0lk test pattern $ mutter $
$ 63 $ ELiTE LiT from the master himself $ creed $
$ 64 $ creed's k-rad lit archives, volume two $ creed $
$ 65 $ UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. $ creed $
$ 66 $ how y0lk saved my life (sorta) $ creed $
$ 67 $ shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles $ ideal $
$ 68 $ some puppet plays $ phorce $
$ 69 $ "... Hello operator ..." $ mutter $
$ 70 $ i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. $ traq $
$ 71 $ battle of the ants $ rage $
$ 72 $ fun on the phone $ ideal $
$ 73 $ yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries..$ handle $
$ 74 $ i love you as my own mother $ sphrog $
$ 75 $ jamesy and the giant slinky $ jamesy $
$ 76 $ do not fuck with the big and hairy bears $ murmur $
$ 77 $ horror story $ oeb $
$ 78 $ dat wh0re $ s.sheep $ $
$ 79 $ the ewok rant $ taraxis $
$ 80 $ the arcade avenger $ tao $
$ 81 $ the night before 2600 $ d.cheez $
$ 82 $ journey into the mind of a no-brained counterculturist $ taraxis $
$ 83 $ a generic y0lk file $ mogel $
$ 84 $ cultural inclination? $ m.head $
$ 85 $ australia through the eyes of a spoon $ spoony $
$ 86 $ the life of a demented sysop $ spoony $
$ 87 $ little johnny carpenter $ franman $
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--[infoez]--------------------------------------------------------------------
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