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y0lk-010
---[ y0lk! ]-----------------------------------------------------------------
y0lk #10: "t-shirts and toe jam" by bEdlAM
---[ w0w! ]------------------------------------------------------------------
hey there, this is bEdlAM, i'm like, known for my many many RIP drawings and
stuff, and i'm in ACiD and mOp. I run a board called Lan's Laughter,
708-749-9621, art, bbs stuff, mags, and text (blatant plug). ah, now then,
down to well, whatever.
---[ huH? ]------------------------------------------------------------------
yep. that's right. you know, whoever named Woody Woodpecker really had some
problems.
---[ that's sick ]-----------------------------------------------------------
why thank you. i thought i'd start writing for y0lk, well, because i have
lots of meaningless stuff to say, um, wait, no, that's not it, um, yah. with
that, i bring you to my first article.
---[ how to build an altar to Number 28 ]------------------------------------
for all of those who don't know, Number 28 is god. this is why we're going
to build an altar to him.
Step 1: realize that Number 28 is god.
Step 2: find a nice cozy spot in your house for an altar (preferably your
bedroom).
Step 3: grab some wood or bricks or something and build yerself up an altar
of some type.
Step 4: print out some of his ansis, so that you have his creative spirit up
on your altar.
Step 5: find some animal porn (preferably panda or koala) and put it on your
altar (to represent his interests).
Step 6: put up various candles and such.
now you have a fully functioning altar to #28. I've written this for the
sake of society, because almost every day i'm bombarded with questions about
the almighty Number 28, and nobody seems to be aware of the correct process
in which to build an altar. yah.
---[ thank you so very much ]------------------------------------------------
you're welcome. you know, am i the only one who noticed the meat inside
burritos looks like diarreah?
---[ i noticed that too ]----------------------------------------------------
oh good. i thought, um, yah. ok, now is the time when i teach you one of my
many anarchy techniques. today, i'll instruct you on how to steal t-shirts
from music stores (mind you, this actually works, but is for informational
purposes only, please do not go steal t-shirts from music stores).
---[ awww man ]--------------------------------------------------------------
ok, what the heck, go for it. awrite... this is what you do.
materials required: a t-shirt that is the same color as the one you want to
steal; a partner in krime (wasn't turtle power recently mentioned in
another issue? thought so... btw, turtle rap was a much better theme
song)
first, you have your friend go in ahead of you, so as not to look like you're
going together. then you take your tshirt, and fold it up so you can't
really tell what's on it. walk in, and straight over to the shirts. give
your shirt to your friend and have him hide it up his shirt or in a bag or
something and leave. now what you do is find two shirts that you want, and
that could be mistaken for one another (same band, different sizes, or
whatever), but make sure that you want both of them... don't get one thats
too big or something. now what you do is when nobody's looking, rip the tag
off of one of the shirts and put it in your pocket, and fold up the shirt.
now take the folded one and the other one over to the counter. put them both
on the counter and say "hi, i bought this shirt (point to the folded one),
but i meant to get this one and didn't realize what i did until i got home.
i threw away the receipt but i still have the tag (pull the tag out of your
pocket), can i exchange it? (oh yeah it's good if they're both the same
price.)" if they let you exchange it, you've gotta fill out some little
return form, just crap your way through it, and then you've got a shirt (the
one that you didn't fold up). if they don't let you return it, look
dissapointed and grab the folded up shirt and leave. then you've got that
shirt. either way, you've got yourself a shirt. a couple things to keep in
mind: the friend and your own shirt is optional, that's only in case the
clerk sees you and says "hey you didn't walk in with a shirt"; the other
thing is that this only works if the shirt doesn't have one of those heavy
things clamped to it... that'll screw everything up; lastly, its cool if the
one you're trying to "return" is a little more expensive than the other one,
that way you can get a couple bucks out of the deal for the exchange too.
---[ wow, i'll go do that ]--------------------------------------------------
good. now on to my top six really sick things to do:
6) scrub yourself when you haven't taken a shower for days... now not to say
that you're horribly dirty, i mean nobody can really TELL you haven't
taken a shower for the longest time, but just like rub your arm...
watch how like dirt builds up on your hands... it's great fun
5) after you're done doing that, if you have somewhat long nails (haven't cut
them since your last shower a few weeks ago) scratch your head alot and
then look at all the white stuff under your nails... dandruff and such
4) when you wake up the next morning, and you haven't brushed your teeth
since that last fateful shower, scratch them and look at all the plaque
build up under your nails
Note: of course EVENTUALLY you ought to take a shower, but if you don't, you
can continue this process almost every day
3) rubbing your finger in between your toes before you go to bed and then
smelling them is always fun.. toe jam has a surprisingly pleasant
fragrance... but don't rub you butthole with your finger and smell it,
because the rumors are true about that one, it stinks
2) on the subject of scratch and sniff.. scratch your pubic hair and smell
the post-masturbatory stench... good stuff
1) and last but certainly the most fun, getting up real close to your
bathroom mirror, and squeezing your pimples and seeing how many you can
actually make expode onto the mirror, and how much puss you can get out of
them before they begin to bleed.. that one has me going for hours,
especially after i eat about 50 lbs of greasy chips in preparation
---[ you're one disgusting guy ]---------------------------------------------
yeah, well, that's life. you know, i saw a guy with an afro today (didn't
that style go out a few years ago?) anyway, i saw this guy, and he had one of
those hair picks in his hair. was he using some of that fast-drying hair
spray or something and it got stuck? i mean why else would someone willingly
walk around with a comb in their hair (of course this guy DOES have an afro,
so he obviously doesn't care) wow... i just thought i'd mention it.
---[ are you done yet? ]-----------------------------------------------------
i guess so. that's about all i can think to do. i did this whole thing over
the period of a day, woke up early and decided to write, after i got home
from shooting pool later i wrote some, then i'm writing this little bit and
then i'm probably gonna go watch tv or something then hit the hay. you see,
i just had to use a whole day to get my creative juices flowing, hopefully
following articles will come out a bit easier. is it just me or am i
babbling for an awfully long time after i said i'd be done?
---[ no it's just you ]------------------------------------------------------
oh ok, well, umm... yeah. anyway, what was i saying? hmm... i guess i
wasn't really saying anything... wow... i do that pretty often i've noticed.
wow... now that i've written an article, i guess my board is a y0lk hq or
something. yeah that's cool. anyways, i'll end this by saying hi to my mOp
pals, bob the janitor, tweed, the almighty Number 28, and well, all you other
mOpsters, um, ok.
---[ thank god he's done ]---------------------------------------------------
i'd also like to thank creed for having a twisted enough sense of humor to
actually put this thing out. if you have anything to say about it, call my
board (see first few lines), and tell me, cuz well, i'll probably see it
there. um, hehe, well, you know what? didn't think so... nobody ever knows
what... it really pisses me off cuz i'd like somebody to explain the whole
concept to me. well, ok, bye bye.
---[ editor's comment ]------------------------------------------------------
wow... seriously, that dirty stuff is like a perfect description of me... i
haven't combed or washed my hair in like 8 months. woo, 3 y0lk members now.
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index of y0lk issues:
,s&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&s.
$ issue $. title `$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$' 01 `$ the other white meat `$
$ 02 $ several k-rad elite haxors sitting around a campfire and grooving $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $
$. 10 ,$ t-shirts and toejam ,$
`$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$'
issues 1-5, 7, and 9 by creed
issues 6 and 8 by hooch
issue 10 by bEdlAM
note: if you have written an issue, you are a y0lk member, have a y0lk member
board, etc. woo.
