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Cult of the Dead Cow 350
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...presents... Where Have My Heroes Gone?
by KSM
2/15/1998-#350
__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
Dream a little dream with me, friends. Let's imagine that I get my hands on
some of that date rape drug that the kids on 20/20 are so gung-ho about.
Let's keep dreaming. Let's say I find some lonely girl at a popular
twentysomething club, maybe her ride abandoned her or something. I play the
part of the sensitive male and console her with some Boppin' Berry Hi-C with
a little of that date rape drug in there. Let's examine the elements of our
dream, kids. We have a lecherous man with a large quantity of Boppin' Berry
Hi-C, an empty bottle of that date rape drug, and a lonely girl full of
drugs with no ride. I see the seeds of love planted. So I take my lovely
lady back to my house, I give mom the keys to her car, and give in to
passion. We make sweet love until she regains consciousness and runs
screaming. She must've had a dermatologist appointment. Anyways, let's say
she is pregnant. It scares the bejesus out of me that my children will be
growing up in a world without heroes.
Let's take a trip on a time machine! I remember a time when a young lad of
16 or 17 could spend a Friday playing hopskotch or playing Candy Land,
anything the young people are fond of, and retire to their house to watch a
sweet little program that aired on CBS from 8-9 that preached morality and
the essentials of higher southern culture. Yes, my friends, I'm speaking
of the Dukes of Hazzard. Now I do not condone the running on moonshine, but
who could argue with the concept of spraying crap all over the crooked Boss
Hog in your '71 Charger with no doors? Moonshine is a way of paying the
bills for Bo and Luke Duke, but Boss Hog's twisted, black heart clearly
pumps with the juices of evil. I have never read a case of anyone's
circulatory system functioning with moonshine, but who hasn't picked up the
paper to read a story about Old Man Winters down the street with evil
pumping through his veins? Basically what I'm saying is, moonshine pays the
bills, but evil forces Christian girls into prostitution. Another facet of
morality taught to us by Dukes of Hazzard is the fact that people must be
attractive to make a difference. Boss Hog was an ugly man, he never
amounted to anything. Bo and Luke though, they were quite attractive and
that was why they were the most successful moonshiners in all of Hazzard
County. I remember one thing that Dukes of Hazzard taught me especially. I
learned that incest was ok. The first time I sensed that intense sexual
tension between Daisy and Luke, I knew in my heart of hearts that society
could take its expectations and regulations and shove them right where the
sun doesn't shine. Regulation Shmegulation, I want to have sex with my
cousin. I refuse to accept this "special reunion movie" shit, I want to go
back to Hazzard County where I knew what was right and stay there. Reality
is a harsh pill, but the Dukes always seemed to help wash that pill down
with a little malt liquor.
This is a call to you, Johnny Broadcasting Corporation. My child could grow
up without the Dukes of Hazzard, and that leaves a funky taste in my mouth.
How is little Jorge going to know morality? I will not allow my sweet Jorge
to define truth and reality: that is how psychopaths and atheists get
started. Jorge should let the TV define right and wrong for him. How will
he ever do this without the Dukes? I won't always be there to raise Jorge,
but I trust that Uncle Jesse, Bo, Luke, and Daisy Duke will. Take me back
to Hazzard County, let's kick Boss Hog's ass. Johnny Broadcasting
Corporation, I know where you live and I know what your wife looks like.
KSM
Our chimerical visions were especially vivid today.
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/.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \
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/lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\
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`-' the original e-zine `-' _
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\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1998 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/
(_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO
cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _
oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Grandmaster Ratte'. __ ( \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
\_) xXx BOW to the COW xXx Oooo
