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y0lk-020
--(boo)------------------------------------------------------------------------
y0lk: the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene
--(eek)------------------------------------------------------------------------
hmm... were you expecting a more dazzling header? a star-spangled
entrance to our 20th issue special? i sure was. well, fuck that. that's not
y0lk. and you wanna know why? cuz i didn't feel like doing it. hah. don't
fuck with me, boyo, i'll tear you apart.
--(pHR cRD)--------------------------------------------------------------------
yep, yep. no extravaganza. hooch is going to hate me for it, but i
decided to just go on and tank through the y0lk issues. let me tell you a
little story.
--(oh boyee!)------------------------------------------------------------------
well, it's not really a story. see, i fooled you. hence, the
anticlimactic mot¡f. some of you, if you have been following y0lk, were
probably expecting a giant 20th issue, co-written by hooch and i. well, that
wasn't happening. i couldn't think of a great enough idea on what to do, and
too much time was passing. y0lk needs to keep its pace, damn you!
so, i'm just going on and writing this disgustingly normal little issue
for you all. i think everyone's better off not having to deal with a boring
super-issue. i'm relieved.
--(i'm not)--------------------------------------------------------------------
fuck you. you don't have to deal with all this y0lk shit. speaking of
which, they said "shit" on saturday night live this week. i think it slipped
out, but i don't doubt that chick is getting fired. wave goodbye to the first
new cast member to fall, martyred to the FCC.
and on current events, shannon hoon died. i hope you knew that
already. i'm kinda depressed because he isn't getting any recognition. he was
an incredible artist! but no. people care more about an old burned out hippie
(garcia) than they do about a 28 year-old blooming artist. poopy on you.
anyway, that's why i'm a tad disturbed. i haven't slept in 3 days.
--(shephard's note)-----------------------------------------------------------
i in no way agree with creed on that one. garcia was a genius, hoon was a
little dirtbag/dork. he od'd, retard. never saw jerry do that.
--(you're putting me to sleep right now, if that helps)------------------------
YEAH, THANKS A LOT, MISTER ASSHOLE SECOND-PERSON DIALOGUE SEPERATOR
LINE PIECE OF SHIT! heh. it seems to me that a lot of people are using that
now, especially contributors to y0lk. did i invent it? i'd feel very cool if
i invented a zine thing. well, who cares. it's a shitty concept anyway. this
is getting boring.
--(it always is)---------------------------------------------------------------
dry, uncaring, self-conscious, lame humor. i talk like this in public,
too. it's weird. i start talking about something and then just fade out into
mumblings of "why do i lose so hard?" and such. we're all sick people. stop
reading this. it's just so damn ANTICLIMACTIC. touch!
--(nah)------------------------------------------------------------------------
you couldn't if you tried. y0lk is addicting. soon you'll need more
and more... gradually growing addicted, day by day. soon you'll be writing for
y0lk twice a day, just to see more issues.
and while i'm thinking about it, you CAN get mindless y0lk-like chatter
on a more-than-daily basis. y0lknet is up. read y0lk.net or y0lknet.nfo or
whatever that damn filename is. i suppose y0lknet is like the official net of
the zine scene, now that phearnet is down. at least, i think it's down.
--(gee golly)------------------------------------------------------------------
well, as long as i'm making this issue longer than usual, maybe you'd
like to here about my day.
--(hell no)--------------------------------------------------------------------
at 6:30am, i heard the alarm ring next to me, loud and clear. i was
still on my laptop, in bed, listening to a bogmen cd. i cursed at myself for
losing track of time, and got out of bed, still in my jeans and all.
i jumped into the shower at about 6:40, uh... showered... and got out.
was that event really worth a whole paragraph?
i got back in bed and shut off my music and laptop. i had nothing much
to do, and i was still wide awake, so i stared at the ceiling for a full half
hour. i even timed myself.
at 7:15, i decided it was time to get ready to leave. i put on my
school clothes, put my backpack together, and left. my aunt drove me to school
this morning, and she's kind of a late person... so i had to sit in a freezing
car for 10 minutes, with the sliding door wide open. i was too cold and too
lazy to close the door.
i got to school at 8:00 and missed "morning meeting" so i could finish
an assignment that i didn't do the night before. i asked my friend if any
relevant announcements were made. he told me there would be a big assembly
tomorrow, and we'd miss periods 1-3.
well, i trudged through 4 full periods of class and made it to lunch.
i took my time eating, because i had two free periods in a row. after everyone
was done with their food, we got up and went to a soundproof room attached to
the band room. we popped a blank tape and started recording for a joke-band we
had started called "goat meat." i was the lead singer. we finished 3 short
tracks, mostly about cannibalism and drinking the blood of small children.
about 15 minutes of the tape were done with. that was probably the highlight
of my day. yahoo.
i had a short ancient world class afterwards, where the class talked
about the bible. there was no busywork to do, which was cool, so i just
relaxed for most of the class.
after that, i had drawing. i cut apart a photograph of a priest and
started drawing in the half of it that i had cut out. (i'm sure you've all
done this before) ...i drew half of his face as satan. the art teacher is
pretty cool, and he thought it was one of the best drawings he had seen in that
specific class, so he appreciated it. but the other kids kept staring at me.
bah.
i went home on the damn school bus. this dork sat next to me and
started trying to get me to say something self-humiliating. i didn't really
feel like doing so, at least not for him. "i'm going to pin you to the ground
with a kitchen knife set. then i'm going to stomp on your head until your
skull gives and your face becomes limp. them i'm going to anally rape your
dead body. then i'm going to cut your flesh of in little pancakes and toast it
in a pop-up toaster, and eat it. and then i will drink your blood out of a
stone goblet." it was a stupid and morbid joke. but it got him to leave. you
see, that's not even funny. but when you shove it in y0lk with all the other
bland crap, it almost gets you smiling. a n t i c l i m a c t i c .
--(SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THAT WORD)--------------------------------------------
i really should. anyway. my day. well, that's it. i went home and
sat on my ass and stared at the computer screen. my life is boring. actually
i think the preceding section was a blatant glorification of my sad life.
don't believe a word of it.
i've used a lot of big words in this issue. i hope that doesn't really
disturb you countryfolk. i just gots to show it off. i did graduate the 8th
grade, you know.
ugh. hooch is going to kill me when he finds out i wrote issue #20
without him.
i'm getting in a bad mood. i just realized the lack of humor in y0lk.
it's like the kind of zine where you look at it and nod and think "yeah, okay."
...like it's no big deal. like an old 80's sitcom where you don't think any of
the jokes are funny. but you know when you were 10 years old, you watched
them fanatically, just for the dull stories and mild humorous entertainment.
only y0lk is worse. we just are. in fact, that's what the title of
the next issue i write is going to be. "y0lk: we're worse than full house and
we're not afraid to admit it." heh. just another crack to prove my point.
that wasn't funny at all.
--(sigh)-----------------------------------------------------------------------
i think i'm feeling too bad about myself. hell, it's all part of the
y0lk attitude. self-conscious. always mentioning thyself. it's like we're
anti-conceited. hehe... see, anticlimatic is out. anti-other stuff. y0lk:
we're just anti. we hate you all.
because in the 50's... it was pompadours.
in the 60's... it was peace!
in the 70's it was bellbottoms, i don't really know why.
in the 80's! ronald reagan! bmw's! sushi! (we used to use that for
fertilizer back at my home)
but in the 90's... it's love. LOVE IS THE NEW FAD! i love you! good
god almighty!
suddenly, i've found myself alive.
--(nice ending. bye.)---------------------------------------------------------
GOAT MEAT FOREVER! WE KILL SMALL CHILDREN AND EAT THEM! WE HATE
FLORIDA! FLORIDA SUCKS! THEY DON'T EXPORT ANY MEAT FROM THEIR STATE! THEY
HARDLY EVEN EAT MEAT THERE! IT'S ALL FRESH FRUIT, DAMNIT! IT SUCKS! SCREW
FLORIDA, WE WANT SOME LIVING HUMAN FLESH TO GNAW ON! ALL HAIL GOAT MEAT!
--(bye!)-----------------------------------------------------------------------
--(not so fast)---------------------------------------------------------------
not so fast. hooch is here to kick it with you, to make this extra k-rad
issue of y0lk become really extra k-rad.
NOTE:
CREED, WHAT KIND OF EDITOR DO YOU WRITE YOUR ARTICLES IN? I READ/WRITE THEM
IN DOS EDIT. MAKE EACH LINE OF YOURS SHORTER, CUZ THEY DON'T FIT ON MY DOS
EDIT PAGES. WERD.
anyway.. i'd like to react to several of creed's remarks. first of all, i
can't believe he'd even try and say that shannon hoon is even in the same
league as jerry garcia. jerry garcia is worshiped by millions - the grateful
dead changed many people's lives - a whole era group up listening and
worshipping them, and many peole still do. blind melon, well, they sucked.
but even if you liked them.. what, they put out one record? there's no way
hoon's credentials rank with garcia's. i've only been listening to the
grateful dead for a few months now [since like may] -- and i can't believe
it every time i hear a song i've never heard by them. anyway..
wow, that whole day in the life of creed thing was interesting. to be honest,
i had no idea dave was that fucked up. that pope/satan thing was funny.
about y0lknet: anybody who's reading this right now and runs a bbs, drop
whatever you're doing and join y0lknet. call up 201-762-1373 or 908-224-8780
and leave feedback to the sysop with your board name, number, etc.. we will
get you hooked up with y0lknet asap. we move swiftly, because we like buttah.
damn, i just looked at the titles of the first twenty y0lks, and they're
very impressive, if i do say so myself. i'm not into creed's whole negativism
deal -- i think y0lk is actually pretty cool. and deep down, i think creed
thinks so too. if he didn't, he wouldn't keep doing it.
i'd just like to say i hope y0lk continues until i and creed stop bbs'ing.
that would be pretty cool. i can honestly say that i think it will, too; it
is very easy to run, we have fun doing it, and we all take pride in it; i
guess sorta for creed. i haven't even really gotten any responses from people
who read it; there probably aren't that many. but, all the same, it's fun.
bon voyage, toot too, rah rah. belial, bedlham, misfit - screw yer zines/mags.
merge int0 y0lk#(*$ .. seriously. we'd love to have you. one, unified,
awesome zine. that would r0ck.
--(bye!for!real!)------------------------------------------------------------
--(index)----------------------------------------------------------------------
index of y0lk issues:
,s&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&s.
$ issue $. title `$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$' 001 `$ the other white meat `$
$ 002 $ several k-rad elite haxors sitting around a campfire and grooving $
$ 003 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $
$ 004 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $
$ 005 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $
$ 006 $ pour cement down my anus $
$ 007 $ hail santa! $
$ 008 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $
$ 009 $ lunchables rock. $
$ 010 $ t-shirts and toejam $
$ 011 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $
$ 012 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $
$ 013 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $
$ 014 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $
$ 015 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $
$ 016 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $
$ 017 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $
$ 018 $ lemmings $
$ 019 $ the science of astrology $
$. 020 ,$ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene ,$
`$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$'
issues 1-5, 7, 9, and 15-16 by creed
issues 6, 8, 11-13, and 17 by hooch
issue 10 by bEdlAM
issue 14 and 18 by phorce
issue 19 by belial
issue 20 by creed + hooch
mindcrime is an official y0lk member.
note: if you have written an issue, you are a y0lk member, have a y0lk member
board, etc. woo.
