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,"...Hello operator, gimme numba 9, and if you disconnect me I'll...",
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by Mutter
muahahaha... you thought you'd never see me again!! well you
were DEAD-FUCKIN-WRONG. Yah, you heard me, bitch.
anywaze...
welcome to yet another issue of the official zine of homeless men,
age 30 to 35: y0lk.
For those of you who didn't get it (and who really does?) the title
of this issue was taken from an old rhyme that I remember kids used to
say (starts off with "Miss Lucy had a steamboat. The steamboat had a
bell. The steamboat went to heaven and Miss Lucy went to... hell-o
operator, gimme..." getit?). Whomever is the first to correctly complete
the rest of the title's line will have the next y0lk I write dedicated to
them (if I ever make another, that is:) Send all contest entries to:
mutter <mutter@magsystems.erebus.com>
(w0w, I just made a contest...I feel so...important)
*deep breath*
A lot has happened to me since I wrote my first y0lk. I mean, I never
thought that rambling on for roughly two to three pages could have such
an impact on my life. I am now instantly recognized on the street (don't
ask me how...I guess I just look like a mutter). I have young women always
around now telling me how they'd do *ANYTHING* for an autographed picture.
I even have had offers for provocative TV roles such as:
Jimmy, the brown power ranger!@ When he's not reading y0lk or kickin'
the nerdy ranger's ass jimmy likes to spend 'quality time' with his
personal love slave, the pink ranger! woo.
Here's another way my life has changed. The following is the transcript
of a call I made this afternoon:
Me-> <pressin the 0 key which is actually marked as 189 on my phone but
that's a different story involving santa, squirt cheese, and my
intense hatred of cats. Lets not get into it...>
operat0r-> Bell Atlantic, operator 6012, how may I help you?
Me-> Yes, hi. umm...I'm trying to call a 900 psychic hotline. Ya know
the ones. Where you can learn about love, money, spam, fluff,
you name it. They know it all!! Cause they've been blessed
with "the gift."
operat0r-> yes, sir. Now how can I help you?
Me-> Well, it seems every time I try to make a call to the hotline
the dangdest thing keeps happening. I keep gettin billed for
the call.
operat0r-> well, sir if you're calling a 900 number you're supposed to
get billed. That's how the people who own the number and the
telephone company make their money.
Me-> OH! no, you don't understand, you feeble minded creature, you.
*I* write for y0lk.
operat0r-> ohmigodohmigodohmigod
Me-> calm down. It's okay. I'm mutter.
operat0r-> OHMIGODOHMIGOD...I'm so so sorry, sir. I had NO idea. I'm a
really big fan. All of us operators read y0lk religiously, ya know.
Hold on one sec and let me clear up this little billing problem.
<tap tap tap tap tap>
Okay, sir. Your line is now excempt from any and all charges.
Just to let ya know, me and my husband, Fred, like screaming
midgets too!@
Me-> *sigh* sure you do.
operat0r-> Is there anything else I can do for you?
Me-> Umm...yea, have phorce's phone line disconnected.
operat0r-> <tap tap tap> done, and done.
Me-> tee hee.
------------------End o' Transcript-------------------------------------------
Isn't that something? Kinda takes the joy outta being a telecom d00d,
but hey, who ever said life was easy? well, probably a few gravely
mistaken people but...
"Bobby! Open up this door right now! BOBBY!"
"In a second, mom!"
"What are you doing in there! THAT'S IT!" <SLAM>
"I SAID A SECOND!@"
"What are you trying to shove under that mattress?! Playboys?!@"
"Go away!"
"N0!@" ... "What the -- <GASP!> y0lk!@#"
"I'm sorry, mom <SOB>"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------> STOP RIGHT THERE! <------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What?"
"huh?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------> Did you know that 9 out of 10 people who read y0lk as <-----
---------> children grow up to be rich and successful fun lovin' adults?<-----
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"No, I didn't know that."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------> It's true. sure, if you read to your kid at an extremely <-----
---------> early age they might become faster learners, but if you read <-----
---------> them *y0lk* they will become fuckin d00gie houser-brained <-----
---------> creative thinkers that are prepared for the fast paced, <-----
---------> techno-savvy world of tomorrow... <-----
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I never knew that." <mother reluctantly puts y0lk back into
bobby's hands>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------> there ya go! encourage your kids to read y0lk! Even the <-----
---------> really crude parts! Make them memorize it and repeat it back <-----
---------> to you before they go to bed. Let's take a look at a few <-----
---------> y0lk readers whom you just might recognize... <-----
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I read y0lk to get psyched before every fight scene." -- Steven Segal
"I revolutionized radio but y0lk is truly the king of all zines!"
-- Shock-jock Howard Stern
"I sometimes describe 'Brain Candy' as just one long, visual y0lk."
-- Mark McKinney, Kids in the hall
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------> right on, guys!@ Now let's hear from a few people who never <-----
---------> read a y0lk in their lives! <-----
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We suck because we weren't read y0lk as youngsters."
-- Ross Perot, that guy from 'friends', and The Unabomber, all in unison.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------> too bad. It's too late for them...but not for you! <-----
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<mother, reading from the pages of the latest y0lk to a now happy bobby>
"Thank you, y0lk!"
and you're certainly welcome. wow. this was a hectic issue. Oh well...
how to rap it up...how to rap it up...
I GOT IT! We'll end this issue with another phone call to the
operator.
<mutter with an idiotic smile on his face> I like operators...
me-> <pressing the 0 key>
<ring>
<ring>
operat0r-> Fuck y0 mama'!
Me-> 'scuse me?
operat0r-> ...
Me-> Fuck WHO's mother?
<click>
--[a head samurai note]-------------------------------------------------------
wow. another ish by mutter. how k-rad. a note to readers: the above
operator-conversation *actually did happen*. mut got cursed off by a random
operator. eleet, huh?
some gnuz: y0lkbot is now y0lkb0t. i think the irc ops do
/who *bot* or something. hmph.
i really love doing unnecessary samurai notes. thank you, y0lk, for
this oppurtunity.
--[ind3x]---------------------------------------------------------------------
.d&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&b.
$ ## $ title $ author $
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$ 01 $ the other white meat $ creed $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ creed $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ creed $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ creed $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $ hooch $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $ creed $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ hooch $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $ creed $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $ bedlam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ hooch $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ hooch $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ hooch $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ phorce $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ creed $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ creed $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ hooch $
$ 18 $ lemmings $ phorce $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology $ belial $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ cd/h0 $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? $ phorce $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself $ creed $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale $ phorce $
$ 24 $ group masturbation $ belial $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs $ creed $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet $ phorce $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause $ belial $
$ 28 $ the army day camp $ belial $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day $ creed $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings $ hooch $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver! $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur $ bedlam $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan $ creed $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines $ hooch $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears $ phorce $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't $ creed $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate $ creed $
$ 38 $ snowday $ phorce $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d $ creed $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet $ hooch $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! $ creed $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue $ phorce $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass! $ creed $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars $ creed $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers $ creed $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life $ creed $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst $ creed $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave $ trip $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet $ creed $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost $ poots $
$ 54 $ the schoolhouse r0x!# $ phorce $
$ 55 $ campbell's chicken-noodle soup omen of death $ creed $
$ 56 $ dead cats $ juke $
$ 57 $ my inner taco $ handle $
$ 58 $ my place, or yours? $ mercuri $
$ 59 $ how to really use that spiffy monopoly money $ lumpy $
$ 60 $ struggle wif the giant pink elephant $ lucifer $
$ 61 $ why did the chicken cross the road? $ insane $
$ 62 $ y0lk test pattern $ mutter $
$ 63 $ ELiTE LiT from the master himself $ creed $
$ 64 $ creed's k-rad lit archives, volume two $ creed $
$ 65 $ UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. $ creed $
$ 66 $ how y0lk saved my life (sorta) $ creed $
$ 67 $ shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles $ ideal $
$ 68 $ some puppet plays $ phorce $
$ 69 $ "... Hello operator ..." $ mutter $
"T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T"
--(infoez)---------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz he's just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. <HEIL!# HEIL!#>
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for "y0lkb0t" on irc, efnet.
_OR_... ATTENTION y0lkies!# join the y0lk mailing list!# chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too!# email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
"subscribe y0lk" in the body of the message.
email mutter at mutter@erebus.magsystems.com.
