Cult of the Dead Cow 274

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Cult of the Dead Cow

 · 5 years ago

  

 
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     | |      c   o   m   m   u   n   i   c   a   t   i   o   n   s     | | 
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  ...presents...                MaxiSpak Banana 
                                                         by R.M. Wood 

                      >>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<< 
                        -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- 
  ____       _     ____       _       ____       _     ____       _       ____ 
 |____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____| 

     The MaxiSpak Banana console is the newest offering from little-known 
Puerto Rican electronics manufacturer MaxiSpak Products Ltd.  Boasting 
state-of-the-art 32-bit technology, it is all set to take on the Japanese 
console giants at their own game.  Plans to market MaxiSpak's 16-bit console, 
the Kiwi Fruit were shelved earlier this year when it was revealed that the 
32-bit Banana was almost completed, with only "the bits that go inside" yet to 
be produced. 

     The Kiwi Fruit would have been ready for sale at the beginning of 1994 but 
at the very last moment top designer Pablo Sanchez's dog ate the prototype and 
they were forced to go back to the drawing board.  A slight hiccup, but Sanchez 
was not put off in the least, saying "The Kiwi Fruit was good, but the Banana 
is simply a much better machine!  It has everything - well... it is a nice 
shade of yellow, with the 'Banana' logo on it."  When it was  pointed out to 
him that perhaps the techno-hungry console buying public would want a little 
more from a new wonder-console than a pretty color and a sticker, he was keen 
to point out the new "ultra-high-tech" controller that was to come with the new 
console.  Allegations that this controller was nothing more than the remote 
control handset for his TV set with the words "Banana Controller" written on in 
felt-tip pen were vigorously denied. 

     All set to take on the mighty Atari Fat Cat which is due to be launched 
any day now, the Banana will boast a range of 2-3 games, which, incidentally, 
are all being written by Pablo Sanchez's grandmother.  The most promising of 
which is said to be "Streetfighter III."  Sanchez claims that the Banana 
version of this game will be the official version, and says that MaxiSpak is 
thinking of sueing Capcom if they bring out a "rip-off version" of their game. 
A pre-production version of the game was on show, looking remarkably like 
"Yie-Ar Kung Fu" for the Commodore 64. 

     Industry insiders (at MaxiSpak) say that the machine could do well, and 
may even outsell the Sega CD.  On the question of a CD-ROM unit for the Banana, 
a few privileged journalists were taken to see the "CD-Banana" behind closed 
doors at MaxiSpak's headquarters in Sanchez's back shed.  The unveiling of the 
machine that could bring the Nintendo CD-ROM unit to its knees was marred, 
however, when a fight broke out when one of the journalists said that it looked 
like, "some idiot stapled a banana to a Sony CD player and painted it yellow." 
Sanchez later apologized for the incident which he called "unfortunate." 

     When asked whether they would be supporting the new machine, Electronic 
Arts, Capcom, Konami, Psygnosis and many others were all heard to laugh 
uncontrollably on the phone.  Acclaim seemed rather confused and asked whether 
this was "some kind of joke?"  Sanchez still remains confident, though, stating 
that they were all under non-disclosure agreements and really had some "shit 
hot" titles up their sleeves, although he couldn't name any off-hand. 
 _______  __________________________________________________________________ 
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  (' ')  |            Save yourself!  Go outside!  DO SOMETHING!            | 
   (U)   |==================================================================| 
  .ooM   |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and R.M. Wood.              | 
\_______/|All Rights Reserved.                               08/01/1994-#274|