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y0lk-074
.y. .y. .y. .y.
o o o o .y.
l l l l o
k .y.k k k l
l o l l l kl sheer beauty.
o l o o o o
.y. k.y. .y. .y. .y.
oh wow... i should do this for a living.
-=[this is my y0lk...]=------------------------------------------------------
did I mention I love you as I love my own mother?
-=[let's get started]=------------------------------------------------------
First of all, you don't know me (if you're like most people)... see, the way
I figure it, there are billions of people in the world and only
a few know me... certainly not more than three. So, let's assume for a
second that you're reading what I'm sayin' simply because it says "y0lk" in
the file name.
-=[dafuck was the point of that?]=-------------------------------------------
don't know.
-=[story about quiche]=------------------------------------------------------
i THINK you pronounce that KEESH, but i don't know, and i prolly never will...
************************************
FUCK THE WORLD (3133t enuff for ya?)
************************************
okay, so this guy (we'll call him Rodham) walks into a room, and he sits down
next to his quiche. this guy's prolly different that most guys, because he
doesn't eat quiche, he BONDS with it. This is how the conversation
progresses:
Rodham: hey man... how's it goin?
Quiche: (author's note: hey, rodham and quiche have the same amount of
letters#!@$(*&! and I didn't even plan it that way!@!#... now
all this stuff will line up real nice... w0o0o0o!@#)
Quiche: ...
Rodham: got anything you'd like to... SAY!!@?
Quiche: ...
Rodham: c'mon man... ANYTHING?
Quiche: ...
Rodham: don't even TRY to pull this one again...
Quiche: ...
Rodham: man... a simple "THANK YOU" would be FINE
Quiche: ...
Rodham: fuck... why are you actin' like I didn't give you any beer?
Quiche: ...
Rodham: man... i'm gonna stop wastin' beer on you if you don't appreciate
it...
Quiche: ...
Rodham: ::leaves in frustration::
-=[are you kidding me?]=-----------------------------------------------------
hey man... that guy rodham... he really DID give his quiche beer...
-=[this is old now]=---------------------------------------------------------
how to make your own flowers that smell good:
stuff you need:
colored paper
duct tape
pipe cleaners
flower pot (or a cup)
dirt (kitty litter)
TEEN SPIRIT deodorant
an acid aab (or two)
how to do it:
1) take some colored paper, and RIP the SHIT out of it, until it looks like
pretty little flower petals.
2) take the duct tape, make a ball.
3) stick the petals to the ball of duct tape.
4) put a pipe cleaner in the duct tape ball.
5) fill the 'flower pot' with 'dirt', and stick the flower in it.
6) fuck... i forgot to tell you to put the deodorant all over the paper...
you can try to do it at this point, but it would have been a lot easier
BEFORE you ripped it up.
7) good, now drop acid.
8) isn't that a FUCKING PRETTY FLOWER?!?!?
NOTE: i can't be held responsible if you get arrested, your flower
looks like its melting or anything... deal with it.
-=[gourds]=------------------------------------------------------------------
you prolly don't know what a gourd is... well, get ready, because you're
about to find out...
ya know when you were a little kid, and you went pumpkin-getting, and they had
those fuckin' weird looking pumpkins pumpkins with deformities and stuff?
those are gourds.
(NOTE: some pumpkin farms are built on nuclear waste... in this case, these
they really ARE pumpkins... do not be alarmed.)
-=[that had a point, you say?]=----------------------------------------------
yep... now I'm going to tell you what to do with gourds...
-=[WHaT To Do WiTH GouRDS]=--------------------------------------------------
okay, this may not seem worth it, but remember, you can usually get gourds
pretty cheap, because hey, who wants a deformed pumpkin?
1) Get a gourd... HELL, get SEVERAL gourds, (they're cheap, remember)
2) Bring it home, and wait for six months or so.
3) Pick up the gourd, and shake it.
4) Pretty cool, huh?
NOW, the explanation, for those of you who don't care enough to try it:
when you have a gourd for a LoOoOoNG time (don't ASK me how I know this),
it turns into a rattle... when you pick it up, and shake it, it has
stuff inside that WASN'T THERE BEFORE, that shakes around...
-=[WHaT To Do WiTH GouRDS iF You WoRSHiP SaTaN]=-----------------------------
steps one and two are the same as they were in "WHaT To Do WiTH GouRDS", so
I won't repeat them... I'll just start with three... kay?
3) Soak the gourd in gasoline.
4) Drill a hole in the gourd, and put a large explosive charge inside.
5) Put a fuse on your explosive charge, and put the whole thing on the
doorstep of someone you hate.
6) knock on the door, and light the fuse.
7) Watch as flaming pellets are embedded into the flesh of your arch enemy.
8) Run like hell.
-=[how long are these things supposed to be, anyway?]=-----------------------
at this point you have two options.... i'll include instructions on the
execution of each.
1) 'keep writing, phrog... you're FUNNY AS HELL...'
INSTRUCTIONS: okay... just keep reading (there can't be too much more anyway)
2) 'so far, i'm not impressed.'
INSTRUCTIONS: bail out now, it can't get much better from here.
3) 'this shit sux0rs... i can't believe i've read this phar..."
INSTRUCTIONS: not 3133t enough for ya? well... PHUCK Y0U. Stop Reading.
-=[my name is Jake]=---------------------------------------------------------
Hi, my name is Jake... I was born in a lumber yard when I was Six,
and I had to kill squirrels with my pellet gun to stay alive. My father
was a pimp, and my mother was a lumberjack. I'm real fucked up now, because
I think I was born when I was six. Although I am a male, I have breast
cancer. I don't have any money, and I don't know where to sleep tonight...
Can I come over your house?
THE END
DISCLAIMER: this story has no plot, no climax, no point, and is basically
pretty bad, but you can't blame me, because i.... have a disclaimer.
oh yeah, and that breast cancer reference... that wasn't meant to offen--
actually... if you're offended by that, fuck you... you don't deserve to
be alive.
-=[aight... that was REAL bad]=----------------------------------------------
nod... i got bored, and I ended it...
-=[this is the last little divider thing]=-----------------------------------
i never had oral sex with a eleven year old.
..fin..
-=[unnecessary note]=-------------------------------------------------------
lieutenant halftrack never went bald; only slightly insane.
GOSH, I LOVE BEING A HEAD SAMURAI.
[useful note: "sphrog" stands for spacephrog]
-=[index]=------------------------------------------------------------------
.d&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&b.
$ ## $ title $ author $
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$ 01 $ the other white meat $ creed $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ creed $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ creed $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ creed $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $ hooch $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $ creed $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ hooch $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $ creed $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $ bedlam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ hooch $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ hooch $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ hooch $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ phorce $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ creed $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ creed $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ hooch $
$ 18 $ lemmings $ phorce $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology $ belial $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ cd/h0 $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? $ phorce $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself $ creed $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale $ phorce $
$ 24 $ group masturbation $ belial $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs $ creed $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet $ phorce $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause $ belial $
$ 28 $ the army day camp $ belial $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day $ creed $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings $ hooch $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver! $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur $ bedlam $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan $ creed $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines $ hooch $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears $ phorce $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't $ creed $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate $ creed $
$ 38 $ snowday $ phorce $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d $ creed $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet $ hooch $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! $ creed $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue $ phorce $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass! $ creed $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars $ creed $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers $ creed $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life $ creed $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst $ creed $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave $ trip $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet $ creed $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost $ poots $
$ 54 $ the schoolhouse r0x!# $ phorce $
$ 55 $ campbell's chicken-noodle soup omen of death $ creed $
$ 56 $ dead cats $ juke $
$ 57 $ my inner taco $ handle $
$ 58 $ my place, or yours? $ mercuri $
$ 59 $ how to really use that spiffy monopoly money $ lumpy $
$ 60 $ struggle wif the giant pink elephant $ lucifer $
$ 61 $ why did the chicken cross the road? $ insane $
$ 62 $ y0lk test pattern $ mutter $
$ 63 $ ELiTE LiT from the master himself $ creed $
$ 64 $ creed's k-rad lit archives, volume two $ creed $
$ 65 $ UNSOPHISTICATED FASCIST BASTARDS. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. $ creed $
$ 66 $ how y0lk saved my life (sorta) $ creed $
$ 67 $ shiny nickles, no more TP, and shitty knuckles $ ideal $
$ 68 $ some puppet plays $ phorce $
$ 69 $ "... Hello operator ..." $ mutter $
$ 70 $ i bit my nail, now my finger is bleeding. $ traq $
$ 71 $ battle of the ants $ rage $
$ 72 $ fun on the phone $ ideal $
$ 73 $ yabba-dabba do, scooby-dooby do, and many other mysteries..$ handle $
$ 74 $ i love you as my own mother $ sphrog $
"T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T"
--[infoez]--------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
phoenix 201 is the official eleet telecom section of y0lk
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz he's just so damn wacky-ass.
heil creed. <HEIL!# HEIL!#>
to get all the rest of the y0lks, ftp to ftp.openix.com /ftp/phorce/y0lk
or... call our world headquarters, erebus, at 201-762-1373. k-rad.
*or*... look for "y0lkb0t" on irc, efnet. type "@y0lk (number)" for y0lks.
_OR_... ATTENTION y0lkies!# join the y0lk mailing list!# chat about y0lk
and all them other zines, too!# email listserv@magsystems.com with the line
"subscribe y0lk" in the body of the message.
don't you feel like you're getting a little too much information here?
couldn't we just show our ftp site and shut up? it's just sad that we
have to advertise all our cheap media at the bottom of every textfile
like this. what a bunch of losers we are.
email spacephrog (sphrog) at mmccurdy@nexxus.novasys.com
