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y0lk-014
®--[header]-----------------------------------------------------------------¯
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®--[title]------------------------------------------------------------------¯
da mad ravings of a bitter KiMP wanna-be
®--[the executive intro]----------------------------------------------------¯
wow - all my dreams fulfilled... i'm writing for y0lk. I'd always wished i
could... and now, here i am, riding atop the pristine pillar of 3l33tness,
y0lk... all i can say, is, i'm proud to be at the top.
oh yeah. hi, i'm phorce.
®--[ascii apology]----------------------------------------------------------¯
pardon the ugly header.
®--[what's in the mail?]----------------------------------------------------¯
good question. i was leafing through the day's mail yesterday, and i noticed
a letter to my dad called "Negative Population Growth, Inc." What's this? i
thought - so i opened it. it's this organization that wants to force every-
one to limit themselves to two kids, and sterilize people in third-world
countries. now i know my dad is a bit conservative, but this was just silly.
i mean, he's still on greenpeace's mailing list.. forced sterilizations for
anyone who goes to jail for longer than 3 years? wow. where's the line?
®--[raffi]------------------------------------------------------------------¯
one of the greatest musicians there is. i listen to "baby beloooga" over and
over - i love it.
®--[five]-------------------------------------------------------------------¯
what is it with the number five? it is, without a doubt, the most perfect
number in the world. why? well, to prove this, i've created the..
LAW OF FIVES:
1. Everything pertains to with the number five. Every question can be ans-
wered, in some way, with the number five. The number FIVE answers ALL.
let me demonstrate. i was supplied with the question: why do poor white
trash live in trailer homes?
Why Do Poor White Trash Live In Trailer Homes? seven and
3 + 2 +4 + 5 + 5 + 4 + 2 + 7 + 5 = 37 one fifth
\_/ | | | | | | | ---- = 7 2/5 or plus one
5 | 5 5 | | | 5 5 | | fifth
| | | \__________________/ | 7 + 1/5 + 1/5
| | \_________________________/ | |
| 4+1<--\_______________________________________/ |
4+1<--\______________________________________________________________/
= 5
see? it all works out to five. get it?
®--[church of bob/subgenius]------------------------------------------------¯
oh yeah... the church of the subgenius. i'm becoming a certified reverend
soon. i can be called reverend, and i'll have a membership card and every-
thing. (plug time: for your brochure to instant salvation, write the church
of the subgenius, p.o. box 140306, dallas, tx 75214. inclose a buck)
®--[what would you do if you were hitler?]----------------------------------¯
well, i'd annex the sudatenland.
®--[why i wish i had an afro]-----------------------------------------------¯
first of all, i'd like to make it perfectly clear that an afro is by far, the
coolest hairstyle of all. no matter what anyone says about it. if i could
get my hair that big, i'd wear it like that all the time.
second, think of the advantages of having an afro. chix dig it. you can
hide stuff up there. you can look a lot taller.. (hey, maybe hooch should
get one)
plus, i can just walk around and say, "Yo.. you don't like my afro? come
and get a piece of THIS!" and no one would mess w/ me 'cause i'm big and
i've got an afro, and i'm wearin' my jeans 4 feet below my ass.
®--[pigs/ansimation]--------------------------------------------------------¯
kiss my art, jed, you know my ANSimated PiG is much better than ANYTHING
you've EVER done.. aww yeah.. you've spent HOURS studying my work, trying
to figure out HOW YOU CAN BE LIKE ME. but i'm sorry, it's almost impossible
to be as perfect as my work is.
(if you'd like an ansimation by me, the ansimation mastah, send me $$$. lots
of it. i only work for lotsa moolah. i'm better than jed. really.)
®--[let's hear some skee-lo]------------------------------------------------¯
mmmm.. i wish i was a little bit taller - i can't get enough of that song.
or that video. that skee-lo guy is the coolest guy in america, even though
he doesn't have an afro. did you see his "kids" in that video? they're all
swayin' w/ dat funk rap beat in the back of his car... so funny..
that would be cool - skee-lo, with an afro. nothin' could stop him. he
would knock down walls, be all big, run around fast, he'd be a superhero.
he could be called: SKEE-FRO.
®--[me vs. tyson]-----------------------------------------------------------¯
i could beat tyson in an arm wrestle.
®--[pet shop]---------------------------------------------------------------¯
that monty python tape gets funnier each time you listen to it. go listen to
it now. it's funny as hell.
®--[executive apology]------------------------------------------------------¯
i, phorce, apologize for any insults made toward anyone who is really better
at art than me, even though everyone knows that the big CiA/ACiD/iCE drawers
just scan in their artwork and convert it to ansi, then only just touch it
up with their draw programs. this is true. i do not lie.
®--[END DOCUMENT]-----------------------------------------------------------¯
phorce can and will not be held for any of this meaningless bullshit. below
this line is just us big shots talking about how cool we are, and showing
everyone our poorly-made index, et cetera, et cetera. so if you don't like
this, just tell me and you will be PERMANENTLY BANNED from #y0lk... ooooooh...
watch your ass. -creed
®--[shepherd time! yay!]----------------------------------------------------¯
i'm not the editor, but i play one on tv. first of all, i'm not short. phorce
is a [DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OFFENSIVE] 6 foot 100 lb chink.
i'm not kidding around, either. he wears glasses. he went out with this chick
that spends all of her spare time reading, studying, or sticking her finger
in her own dirty places.
that was uncalled for, ok. but, it was necessary. as well, phorce sucks at
ansimation, but.. he's semi-talented at writing. alright. that's enough.
-hooch
®--[editor time! yay!]------------------------------------------------------¯
i don't care, i don't care... i'm too cool to write for y0lk now. just gimme
the issues, let 'em flow... doesn't really matter. i am creed, the zine
entrepreneur. i can do whatever i want. blah blah blah. -creed
®--[index]------------------------------------------------------------------¯
index of y0lk issues:
,s&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&s.
$ issue $. title `$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$' 01 `$ the other white meat `$
$ 02 $ several k-rad elite haxors sitting around a campfire and grooving $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $
$. 14 ,$ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink ,$
`$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$'
issues 1-5, 7, and 9 by creed
issues 6, 8, and 11-13 by hooch
issue 10 by bEdlAM
issue 14 by phorce
note: if you have written an issue, you are a y0lk member, have a y0lk member
board, etc. woo.
