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Cult of the Dead Cow 225
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...presents... Tequila Willy's Position Paper
by Reid Fleming
and Omega
>>> a cDc publication.......1993 <<<
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
RECENT YEARS HAVE SEEN A HISTORIC EXPLOSION in prodigious cDc output,
culminating in early 1993 with the release of dozens of new files (including
cDc's 200th issue), promulgating the Word of the Bovine like infectious kudzu
spores. Riding the incipient crest of cDc's new media publicity, T. Willy
timed his political campaign to coincide with the public opinion surge pushing
many swing voters toward the Cult and away from traditional secular candidates.
It was Willy's mix of strident campaign rhetoric and non-stop, in-person
pressing-of-the-flesh that kept him in the running down to the final days,
until misfortune struck down his second veep running mate (whose name our
meager disk space no longer records). Willy was a strong contender until those
final hours, because he never tired of meeting new people and demonstrating his
positions. In fact, if it weren't for a complete and utter lack of matching
funds from the government, he would probably still be on America's great
highways and by-ways campaigning for the Office of President. His
irrepressible charm persisted even with the grueling rigors of the campaign
trail. "It's gotten so even the Secret Service are like, close, close, close
friends," he mentioned at a San Francisco photo-op, convened at Good
Vibrations, nationally renowned erotica and gadget shop.
It was shortly after that press conference that Tequila's first running
mate, Admiral James Stockdale - TW's Machiavellian Idea Man - broke ranks and
convinced an otherwise unremarkable Texan into bankrolling a splinter campaign.
Let history record, through the testimony of the Cult's only surviving
political document, the genius of cDc's premier politician and man for all ages
of women.
-- Chronicled by Reid Fleming and Omega
______________________________________________________________________________
Tequila Willy's Position Paper
Candidate for
the Presidency of the United States
Constitution Hall, Philadelphia
July 4, 1992
Here are the specific philosophies underlying my policy statements. Our
nation faces great challenges in the coming decade and if we're going to solve
them, we're going to have to have the guts to wrap our lips around something
that might be a little salty.
The most important issues confronting our nation have historically been
these: The Women's Movement, Energy Policy, Foreign Policy, Global Environment,
Population Control, The War on Drugs, Physical Fitness and the United States'
Trade Deficit.
JAPANESE COMPETITIVENESS
Supported Front Position Entry
From captured Japanese prints, the finesse of the Orient is demonstrated
in this position where the woman's back and buttocks are supported, insuring
deepest penetration to prolong the pleasure.
ENERGY
Standing Cunnilingus
Arctic men instituted this diversion for a hot night in a cold climate.
This is the most intimate of kisses to arouse the female partner and generate
spontaneous heat for both.
GLOBAL ENVIRONMENT
Genital and Breast Fondling from the Rear
From hidden jungle temples in the Amazon, with an untold wealth of sexual
secrets, comes this principal method of female arousal, which is performed with
unusual effectiveness.
WAR ON DRUGS
Backward Jockey Position
The freewheeling Scandinavians, with their lust for sexual experi-
mentation, originated this turnaround sitting position. This is the ultimate
"turn on."
FOREIGN POLICY
EUROPEAN UNIFICATION
Open Mouth French Kissing
This import from romantic France is the most universally practiced
foreplay technique in the entire world.
Standing Front-To-Front
The lusty, loving Basque of Spain add the visual appeal of watching your
lover's face in the throws of orgasm.
Doggy Rear-Entry Position
Eighteenth century England with its famous courtesans and sexual antics,
is responsible for many of the more famous "fun positions" of which the "doggy"
is probably one of the best known.
Standing Rear Entry Position
Greece, the most advanced culture of the ancient world, is the originator
of this rear entry position. Facilitates movement and promotes added thrills.
"V" Fellatio
Roman women gave maximum thrills to their men with this unique position
that dates back to the times of the gladiators.
MIDDLE EAST
The Rocking Position
We have the Arabs and their "ships of the desert" to thank for this erotic
import. This position allows frontal caresses between the partners while they
gently rock to a prolonged orgasm aided by the swaying of the camels.
The Pyramid
From the ancient murals of the 38th Egyptian dynasty, this position was
revealed to the Western world. The woman straddles the delicately balanced man
from above and by flexing his knees, he penetrates her to the utmost depths.
THE NUCLEAR CLUB
Suspended in Bliss
The Chinese, with their love of precision and balance, are the originators
of this unique position where the partners mutually support each other while
scaling the heights of ecstasy.
The Standing Wraparound
This exciting position is highly recommended by the Kama Sutra (the mother
of erotica). It suggests a strong back and a willingness to experiment as a
prerequisite for this exotic approach.
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT
Missionary Position
Until recently, this has been the world's most popular position - with the
male in the dominant role. The advent of women's sexual liberation is
resulting in more equal and erotic positions gaining in popularity.
POPULATION CONTROL
Mutual Oral Sex "69"
The artistry of Casanova in the courts of France are demonstrated in this
well-known foreplay method. This is also a popular substitute for intercourse
in Latin countries.
PHYSICAL FITNESS
The Wheelbarrow
From the court of Catherine the Great of Russia, stamina and agility are
prerequisites for this position wherein the man walks the woman across the
floor on her hands.
TEQUILA WILLY, 1992
THE MAN WHO HAS THE JOB IN HAND
"She said she voted for me! And you know what THAT means...."
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(U) |==================================================================|
.ooM |Copr. 1993 cDc communications by Reid Fleming, Omega 04/01/93-#225|
\_______/|All Rights Drooled Away. SIX GLORIOUS YEARS of cDc|
