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Cult of the Dead Cow 082
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((___)) ((___))
[ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ]
\ / presents... \ /
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(U) (U)
Geek: The Saga Continues
by The Pusher
>>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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Special thanks to all the geeks at school who give "Punk Rock drug dealers"
like myself something to write about.
The alarm went off. Joey woke up.
"Damn! My Aquaman Underoos are wet. I musta been dreaming about Lita
Ford."
Joey stumbled into the bathroom, pulled his now damp Aquaman Underoos to
his knees, kneeled down on the cold bathroom floor, and starting doing the
Five Knuckle Shuffle.
"Oh, Lita... Kiss ME Deadly!"
Joey is now on the bus. He is wearing a jean jacket with a Guns N' Roses
patch sewn on the back, a W.A.S.P. shirt, a pair of ripped jeans (actually a
pair of jeans with perfect circles cut out by a pair of scissors. A failed
attempt to make them look "authentic."), and a pair of Reeboks. ("Mom, if you
buy me the new Bon Jovi album I'll wear the Reeboks Aunt Susan got me!) And of
course, 2 dollars Mommy gave him for lunch. (Despite the fact that Joey is 17
years old, and a Senior in high school, he's a wimpy spoiled rich shit who
could never handle any sort of job. Oops. Sorry. This is supposed to be an
impartial file... sure...)
Joey starts to tell all the Freshman metalhead geeks a variety of lies.
"Yah, I got backstage passes for oZzY."
"I have the new Ratt album. I know someone who works for the record
company. I'd give it you, but he'd bust me, and I'd be thrown in prison, since
I got busted last year at the Cinderella concert for beating up a few guys."
"I know Nikki Sixx. He comes over for White Castles every few weeks. My
dad saved his life in Vietnam."
And of course, the Freshman metalhead geeks believe Joey, because
they're...Freshman metalhead geeks!
Finally, despite the fact that the bus driver was stoned to the gills on
pharmaceutical cocaine, the bus arrived at school. Joey met his friend, Chris,
(or "Metal Maniac" as Joey calls him because Chris once threw a M-80 at Bruce
Dickinson of Iron Maiden), in their first period class, European History. The
teacher, Mr. Drunkfux asks:
"What Carthagian general led a hoard of elephants over the Alps in 218
B.C?"
"Eddie Van Halen!" shouted Joey.
The whole class moaned and agreed silently, "What a FUCKING GEEK!"
And so this is basically how the day goes for Joey... making stupid
comments, annoying the class, insulting girls, and failing classes. ("All
Metalhedz get F's!" That's a real smart philosophy,Joey, think about it when
you're working Grill #2 at Wendy's....)
Until lunch.
While he's walking to a table with his lunch, Adam, a regular at the
hardcore shows ("Nerds with green hair" according to Joey), accidentally knocks
into Joey, which causes a few dark brown french fries to fall to the floor.
("Whadda ya mean burnt? They're crispy!" say the lunch ladies...)
"Um... sorry, it was an accident."
"You fucking punk rock cokehead dick face! Do you want me to kick your
fucking ass?"
"Actually... yes. I want you to kick my ass."
"Don't fuck around with me, asshole. I've got a fucking 3 foot long fuck-
ing Rambo knife. I'll fucking knife you! I will."
"Joey?"
"What, dipshit?"
"Look down."
"Why?"
"Just look down."
Unfortunately, Joey is stupid enough to look down and wakes up a few
minutes later with a swollen lip. The lunch ladies pack him off to the nurse,
where Joey starts to rant and rave about killing Adam's family with a "big
fucking M-60 Rambo gun". ("I did it last year at camp. No shit!")
After taking Joey's temperature 4 times, the nurse sends him home. School
ends soon after, and Chris (the "Metal Maniac") shows up at Joey's house.
"Dude, I heard someone beat you up."
"He attacked me from behind with a steel pipe. I say we get Mark and the
Wildman (Another of Joey's friends. They call him the Wildman because he stole
the Homecoming Queen's assignment pad last year. But Joey doesn't know that
the entire offensive line of the football team then proceeded to annihilate the
"Wildman" so bad that he still has some faint bruises on his face. And in his
groin area, where she got her revenge.) and kick his ass after school."
"Sure dude, we'll do that."
(The following conversation about Slayer should be credited to Swamp Rat,
my Bovine brother.)
"Are you going to see Britny Fox next week?"
"Are you kidding, dude? They're touring with Slayer! I heard they eat
dead babies!"
"They do! I also heard they pick some one out of the audience and the
lead singer takes out a knife and carves "666" into the guy's arm!"
"No shit, dude! They're Satanic Devil worshipers. My mom would never let
me go."
"Hey, wanna get stoned?"
"Yah, dude! Lets get high. Get the magic markers!"
Joey puts a Kingdom Come tape in the stereo, and gets his Dayglo Magick
Mahkers (tm).
"Here Chris, take a Red!"
"Snnnnnnnnort!"
Joey and Chris spend the rest of the day snorting magic markers, and
listening to Lenny "no, we don't have any Led Zeppelin records" Wolf and the
rest of the dudes from Kingdom Come.
Of course, everyone knows that while magic markers smell nice 'n' tasty,
you'd have a better change of getting stoned on compact disc cleaning fluid.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Behavior Modification.....806/793-9462 The Dead Zone.............214/522-5321
Demon Roach Underground...806/794-4362 Dragonfire Private........609/424-2606
Question Authority........715/341-6516 TacoLand II...............517/337-7319
Tequila Willy's...........209/526-3194 The Metal AE..............201/879-6668
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(c)1988 cDc communications by The Pusher 10/25/88-82
All Rights Worth Shit
