Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Impulse Reality 147
s$
.d""b. impulse reality press no. 147
[-- $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------------------ --]
$$ $$ "A Little Boy Named Ford"
$$ $$ written by phr33z3
$$ $$ released 10/7/01
[-- $$ $$ ------ ------------------------------------------------------ --]
There once was a little boy named Ford. Ford had a pet mule. This
mule lived in the barn. It wasn't very comfortable, because it was cold and
wet in the barn. So the mule decided to kick the barn door down. This nade
Ford unhappy so he killeed the mule and ate it. Of course he cooked it first
and had a rabbi bless it because he was Jewish and needed to eat kosher food
or he would go to hell. Ford didn't want to go to hell, but since he was a
masss murderer he did anyway. When Ford died, he went to hell, and the devil
spanked him. Ford did not like this, so he protested in a phony British
accent.
"Oi! Satan! Whoi are you spankin' me, wot, wot?"
The devil replied by stabbing Ford in the face with his pitchfork.
As the blood flowed from Ford's neck, he saw his life flash before his eyes.
The first scene that Ford saw was from his childhood. It was Christmas Day,
and he was opening his gifts. He saw himself sitting underneath the tree in
his Howdy Doody underpants tearing into a present wrapped in green paper with
little white Christmas trees on it. His pink face was filled with excitement
as he opened the box and pulled out a .45 pistol. All the joy drained from
his face.
"Daddy! I wanted a rifle!"
"You'll like what you've got you little bastard! No, that's loaded!"
"I'm not gonna shoot you! I'm gonna get me a turkey!"
Ford came back from his hunting trip with a turkey and it was the
best Christmas ever. The next vision Ford saw was when he was twenty years
old and in the army. Ford decided he didn't want to fight any more so he
left. When he was caught for desertion, they hung him, but they didn't know
that Ford was immortal. So after being hung, Ford went to Hawaii, married a
hula girl, and had a family, but left them and had to pay child support and
alimony ever since. Good thing they signed a prenuptial agreement so he was
able to keep his stereo and big screen TV. The next thing Ford saw was
himself in his own house in Iowa with his pet mule, Barney. Ford decided it
was better not to live in the past and that he had come to terms with his
death. His vision focused on Satan who had by this time taken his pitchfork
out of Ford's neck. He punched Satan in the teeth, took the pitchfork, and
pole-vaulted his way to Mercer County Hospital and got his neck all patched
up. The doctors fixed his neck, but there was a huge bill. Thank god Ford
had stolen a lot of credit card numbers and was able to make Sherman Levine
pay for the stitches rather than have the money come out of his own wallet.
The Ford got out his modified Radio Shack tone dialer and redboxed a call to
Australia. He intentionally went trhough an operator just to laugh at her
because he didn't have to pay for his call. Ford decided it was prime time
to go to the red light district and get really drunk. Ford didn't care about
alcohol poisoning because he was an alien and didn't have a liver. Livers
are for suckers anyway. So Ford got plastered and went back to his swingin'
bachelor pad in downtown Trenton, New Jersey. The apartment wasn't really
swingin' and Ford wasn't exactly a bachelor, but he would have you think
otherwise. When Ford saw his wife, she looked pretty to him, even though she
didn't have a face. Ford made out with her for about a week, then went to
work. Ford worked in a nuclear power plant and he spilled coffee on the
keyboard and the reactor exploded and the world blew up.
THE END.
[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
the clever thing to do here would be to put some sort of copyright. no.
http://www.phonelosers.net/ir
[-------------------------------------------------------------------------] 
