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Impulse Reality 172
s$
.d""b. impulse reality press no. 172
[-- $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------------------ --]
$$ $$ "LAMENT OF INFINITE PAIN"
$$ $$ written by kreid
$$ $$ released 3/03/02
[-- $$ $$ ------ ------------------------------------------------------ --]
LAMENT OF INFINITE PAIN (11/16/00)
by kreid (goat@gti.net)
PART ONE
No one understands how hard it is for me;
I have emotional problems*1.
What most people take for granted,
like, for example,
getting out of bed*2, maintaining a balanced diet*3,
interacting with other people*4, making love with other people*5,
and most of all, resisting the forces of evil that lurk deep within me*6,
these things that seem easy for most grown men to cope with
are unbearable to me, because of my emotional problems,
but I go on anyway.
--(footnotes for stanza #1)----------------------------------------------
*1 A psychologist once told me this.
*2 Chronic insomnia.
*3 Sometimes I get a pain in my stomach right after I eat.
*4 I haven't seen a doctor about this but I'm quite sure I've got Social
Anxiety Disorder.
*5 I feel inadequate.
*6 I don't want to talk about it.
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Deep down, I know I am beautiful*7,
and yet I feel so ugly*8. That's what other people don't see.
They will never understand the pain that I feel in me*9.
You may ask me, "what goes on in your mind*10?"
But I could never explain it,
my pain will always fall on deaf ears,
for my pain is your fear*11.
--(footnotes for stanza #2)----------------------------------------------
*7 A number of people have told me this.
*8 My head is too big.
*9 That is, emotional pain.
*10 It happens all the time.
*11 I don't expect you to understand.
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I take refuge with God*12.
When I am dead, I will meet my maker,
and I will not ask for an apology, no,
just for a little understanding,
for something I never had in life,
for a shoulder to cry on*13,
a person to talk to when in need*14.
--(footnotes for stanza #3)-----------------------------------------------
*12 I feel that organized religion is not for me, but I consider myself a
spiritual person.
*13 I have always felt alienated from my mother, she loved her other sons
more than me, probably just because they're better-looking and have
fewer emotional problems. I was always a good boy, but apparently
not good enough for her.
*14 My friends don't take me seriously.
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Or maybe I'll go to hell,
where ghastly demons with red-hot tridents
will poke at my bottom for eternity.
So be it. I wouldn't fit in
in heaven anyway,
because nobody loves me.
I sit here, in abject misery*15,
the cold steel of my knife
pressed lovingly against my wrist*16.
You don't think I'd do it, do you?
What's stopping me?
Unpaid bills?
No, that's not it; I know what people think about me.
They say it behind my back;
I'm too weak, right?
See, that just proves to me
how nobody understands me. Goodbye...*17
--(footnotes for stanza #5)-------------------------------------------------
*15 Caused by downright wretchedness.
*16 This never goes anywhere.
*17 ...forever!
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2
God?
Is that you*18?
I want to be sent back to earth as a butterfly.
What is this wailing of souls I hear?
Could this be the forest of suicides*19,
As described in Dante's Inferno, Canto Thirteen*20?
--(footnotes for stanza #6)-------------------------------------------------
*18 The narrator has died. From here the poem assumes a mind-blowing
spiritual zest.
*19 As described in Dante's Inferno (Canto XIII).
*20 This citation has already been established in the footnotes of this
poem.
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Woe*21!
If only I had heeded the biblical teachings
of violence against one's self,
then I wouldn't be in this mess.
It's so dark.
Actually, it kind of reminds me of being born.
--(footnotes for stanza #7)--------------------------------------------------
*21 Heavy calamity.
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I ponder the idea;
Are death and life really just the same process? Wow.
I emerge from an egg, a caterpillar*22.
--(footnotes for stanza #8)--------------------------------------------------
*22 This is a predictably unexpected development.
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Joy*23! For now I shall grow to be a beautiful butterfly,
hopefully. Or I could grow up to be a moth*24.
Oh no! I'm being eaten by a predator!
--(footnotes for stanza #9)--------------------------------------------------
*23 The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of
good; pleasurable feelings or emotions caused by success, good
fortune, and the like, or by a rational prospect of possessing what
we love or desire; gladness; exhilaration of spirits; delight.
*24 See: the butterfly and moth life cycle. Look it up in an encyclopedia
or something.
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God? Is that you*25?
--(footnotes for stanza #9)--------------------------------------------------
*25 There's nothing wrong with repeating one's self.
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PART 3.
I want to be sent back to earth as a rock*26.
Poof! Darkness falls upon me once again.
I feel... igneous.
--(footnotes for stanza #10)-------------------------------------------------
*26 I believe in karma.
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PART 4.
Life is not so bad.
I spend my time wondering where and when I am*27.
Occasionally rolling, doing multiplication tables, ejaculating*28,
Don't get me wrong; if I could kill myself, I would*29.
--(footnotes for stanza #11)-------------------------------------------------
*27 Mt. Kilauea, Hawaii, 1959.
*28 Igneous rocks ejaculate. Yes, they do.
*29 Because of my emotional problems that make life unbearable but I go on
anyway. End lament.
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the clever thing to do here would be to put some sort of copyright. no.
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