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Impulse Reality 222
s$
.d""b. impulse reality press no. 222 - at war with anada.
[-- $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------------------ --]
$$ $$ "Building the Modern Street Racing Car"
$$ $$ written by outreach
$$ $$ released 10/10/02
[-- $$ $$ ------ ------------------------------------------------------ --]
Nowadays it is very important to have a car that hauls ass, because if you
don't, you ain't big pimpin'. Or something. In this document I will describe
the way to make the perfect, eleeto-neato super-speeder racing car for the
street. The chicks will dig it, bro.
The first step is to find a car. If you don't have a four cylinder Civic,
Integra, or Eclipse... you're a loser. So find one. If you manage to find a
turbo Eclipse, you can stop reading now because you have the fastest vehicle
on earth and not even the Mach 5 could hope to catch you.
The second step is your lighting kit. You need lights in the car, around
the car, under the car, and most importantly: they must be in strange places.
Remove your windshield squirters and put lights there. Your car rocks, so
your window will never get dirty (the dirt respects racers) and therefore
will never need to have any water on it. Oh yeah, and neon colors! But you
already knew that. When you're done, buy some really expensive "super light
covers" (the ones that looked like the normal light covers, only inside out)
for your rear end brake lights. You'll get about 10hp from this alone!
Next, get an obnoxious or blatantly homosexual paint job. Homo = pimp. I
suggest purple, gold, or that funny shit that shines in different colors
depending on where you're standing. If your hood is a different color than
the rest of your car, that is good too. It makes you look like you did some
engine work.
Continuing on... now it's time for body modifications. You'll need a
$1700 ground effects kit, lowered springs (it's not cool to be able to clear
speed bumps), a downforce wing on the back (this is especially good if it is
on a front wheel drive car, as it is completely useless), chrome exhaust tips
that give that oh-so-sweet kazoo noise, and a carbon fiber hood. The carbon
fiber hood is especially important, although the reason for that importance
when on a car with only 90hp escapes me.
Now get ready to gain some power! For your car to be really fast, you must
have various stickers on it. 50hp is gained from a NOS sticker, 10hp from
each performance company sticker (15hp if you don't actually have the parts
in your car), and finally 5hp from any obscure or overly ridiculous stickers
that say such things as "Super-Fast!" or "Pimpin'." With about $50 you could
get your car up to about 900hp and be running very low 9's in the quarter-
mile.
Well, now just slap in an oversized tachometer (so everyone can see how
cool you are) and you're on your way! Get out there and rev at those Camaros,
Mustangs, Trans Ams, Supras, and 300ZX's! Show them what you've got as your
$200 car and $5,000 worth of useless modifications are left behind by those
really slow performance vehicles!
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the clever thing to do here would be to put some sort of copyright. no.
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