Anada 181

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Anada

 · 5 years ago

  

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 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .        "Jason Considers More Names" 
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  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .                 by Jason 

 
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        Ah yes, the elections have come around again.  Most notably, the 
 Republican National Convention has come to PhilaHELLphia to make life hell 
 either directly by closing roads and filling up hotels or indirectly by 
 drawing out all of the crackhead protestors.  Yep, I reckon that all of 
 those professional protestors will be like maggots squirming around on a big 
 slab of rotted meat.  Such is our political system. 

        A group of contemporaries and I went to PhilaHELLphia the day it 
 arrived to town with the hopes of getting to see some good old-fashioned 
 democratic fisticuffs, but we were far too early.  All of the radicals and 
 pseudo-terrorists were still scraping together the last few bucks they'd 
 need to buy an 8-ball to get in the mood to join the political process.  All 
 we saw were a Green and a few nonspecific anti-Bushists.  My companions were 
 far more interested in signing petitions and buying bumper stickers than I. 
 My reluctance was not due to any amity toward Bush and his minions, mind 
 you, but rather my loathing for pothead radicals who are either sitting 
 around and bitching without coming up with solutions or are living in a 
 drug-induced dreamland where the world can be a beautiful happy place free 
 from suffering and want if only we take away everybody's property and give 
 it to the same government they're bitching about. 

        This whole thing has been enlightening, though.  As I have previously 
 mentioned, a leader needs a good, powerful, and easy-to-attach-to-monuments 
 name.  After careful consideration, I have chosen Jason Steele as a 
 preliminary selection.  I began thinking of the bigger picture, though. 

        As is common knowledge to anyone with a glimmer of intelligence, ol' 
 George W. Bush announced recently announced Dick Cheney as his running mate. 
 I also heard on the radio that he'll take Colin Powell as a Secretary of 
 State.  That gives us the presidential Dream Team of Bush, Dick, and Colin. 
 I'm surprised the joke factory hasn't been pounding out volumes of humorous 
 tales to that effect.  Sadly, I'm just not creative enough to cash in on 
 what will be the biggest joke bonanza in decades. 

        Which brings me to my point.  It's not enough, I've realized, to be 
 careful of your own name when you are in a prominent position.  The name 
 Jason Steele is pretty much unassailable.  What if, though, I had a top 
 advisor whose name was Rust?  Wouldn't that just suck?  It also wouldn't be 
 good to have any associates with last names of other metals, like Irons, 
 Silver, or Aluminum.  Too much metal will just sound silly.  "Bender" will 
 be bad, too.  Can you imagine the Steele-Bender plan? 

        Then, of course, there are the horde of other names that will not be 
 considered in any case.  There's Butt and all its derivatives, Bustard, 
 Hymen, Dick, Batman (that's a real last name! I SWEAR!), and all of the 
 other sick or silly sounding names that my quick perusal through the 
 phonebook did not unearth.  I'll also include impossible-to-spell names such 
 as Wrzesniewski on the red list.  So if you want to ride on MY coattails, 
 you'd damn well better have a presentable name, like Elizabeth Hurley, 
 Latitia Casta, Sophie Marceu, Denise Richards, Neve Campbell, Jodi Lyn 
 O'Keefe... you know, stuff like that. 

        All I needed in this life to make me happy is if Al Gore had picked a 
 running mate that somehow topped the Bush-Dick-Colin ticket.  PLEASE GOD! 
 He had a good start: "Gore".  All he needs is a running mate with a name 
 that complements his so perfectly as to make this the most appallingly lame 
 election in history!  Jokes will be told for centuries hence!  Children will 
 get a hearty laugh out of the history books before being stunned into awed 
 silence by my chapter!  PLEASE!  That's all I needed to make me happy for 
 the rest of my life! 

        I ask for so little. 

        I got even less.  

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  .           anada 181                      by Jason  (c)2000 anada e'zine . 
       
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